I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

I'd imagine that if his friend's fiance has offered herself for talking then there's no OW involved (or at least, no-one else knows about it), otherwise she'd be running a mile from offering a shoulder.

I think in your shoes I'd be tempted to talk to her further and find out if there's something he's said to his friend that he hasn't said to you. Given he talked to him for an hour and you for only 5 mins then I think you'd learn a lot.

The Friday appointment is just at our GP's. So if I was to plan a discussion with him, it would involve me saying to him and telling him I was going to turn up at the flat. If he wasn't planning on talking, then I would have no reason to return to the flat. I would only be going for that sole purpose. But I think I don't want to go back on what I agreed to. I've promised myself not to be the one contacting him first again. If he wants to talk, he knows I'm ready and here.

No the friend is male. The guy was best man at our wedding. I know him well, and I know he is the person my husband would be confiding in. I don't know if the friend would then confide in his fiance, but I know her well too and I like her well enough to not force her into the middle of this. I was perhaps over stepping the mark by contacting her, but it settled my mind.

I was 19 when we met. Almost 2 years together and we moved in together, we then bought our flat a year later, we got engaged on the day we moved in, in the new kitchen. He went down on one knee and had a beautiful speech about how this is our home and all the memories we will create in it together. We were engaged for almost 2 years when we got married. Married for 1 and a half years.

Our dog was our baby. I admit, I maybe pressured him into getting a dog as he wasn't overly keen. I showed him a picture one day of him and said I wanted to go and see these puppies, would you like to come. And he agreed, we went the next day and came back with him. But he loves him so much, we both are so attached to our dog. I couldn't keep him from his daddy (i know, sad!).

Although involving other people isn't necessarily a good idea, he's already done that. And it's a marriage at stake so I'd do it anyway.

She claims she doesn't know anymore. So if she does, then she doesn't want to share it.

I don't think he made much attempt to talk about things bothering him. I very much think he closed off from discussing it and maybe just tried to get on with it hoping his feelings would get better or go away? Who knows..

Do you know if he plans on attending the appoint on Friday, or is it just for you?

It appears that nobody rushed into anything and unless you forced him down on one knee and put a ring in his hand then he wasn't forced.

The appointment is just for me on Friday.

Yeah, I know the type, unfortunately. They keep quiet and keep quiet whilst gently breeding resentment until something snaps. And if you try to talk they stonewall and/or tell you everything's fine, when it's not - they just don't want to fix it.

My DP frustrates me no end because he's really bouncy and gets over-excited about everything , but I'd rather have it that way than t'other.

I suspect, if he continues with his negative & unhelpful mindset that this is 'ALL YOUR FAULT' whatever you do in terms of contacting him will be 'wrong' in his eyes.

Contact him & it'll be 'she can't even give me 2 weeks' space without badgering me to do things HER way.'

Don't contact him & it'll be 'she clearly doesn't give a shit anyway, she walked away after 5 minutes' conversation'.

Be true to yourself & do what feels right for you.

He may, of course, be at home eating his heart out desperate to sort it out. The fact that he instigated this & has made no attempt to even check if you are doing ok is pretty crappy behaviour though. I'd probably give him the rest of his life's worth of 'space' in your position.

Well I guess there isn't much I can do until he decides he's ready to discuss it. I don't know when that will be.

At the moment I suppose we are separated?

Meeting up with another friend tonight and this same thing happened to her. She wasn't married, but she thought she was in a very happy relationship until one night, they were actually out for valentines day, she had planned a big romantic night and he just announced that it wasnt working anymore. And that was it. Totally out of the blue.

I know it's not easy to do but there's plenty you can do other than just waiting for him to want to talk. You need to accept that he may never want to talk and certainly never want to talk about this and explain.

I'm so sorry, it's so painful.

Totally agree with NannyOg. Ok, maybe you do have a strong personality, that doesn't mean you are responsible for him being a wimp.

I didn't mean financial orders re future inheritance I meant now re children etc especially as their only shared asset is property and savings etc are separate.

I'd always advise to see a solicitor first anyway but it's good to lay out the main points and processes. And what most people think I'd generally warn people off a diy divorce esp re property and go with a law society solicitor.

I think I'll bow out now op but wish you luck for the future. You know my biased views I could just never come back from this treatment and always hold it against him.

Take care.

Op I'd put money on it being a woman at work or gym who's the OW - someone he can meet without arousing your suspicions but not obvious. It may be hard to prove and you may not want to do so but I sort of would.

Anyway hope Friday goes well and again I'm bowing out.

Stay strong.

He's asked for a few weeks to think and clear his head so let him have that and respect his wishes. Don't chase him, and don't force him in to meeting to discuss a future on Friday when he clearly doesn't want to.

I think you BOTH need some space to think and clear your heads and what you both want from the future, whether that is together or apart.

I know you said you he doesn't have time to have another woman, but it's possible he has met someone at work or out getting a coffee, lunch, walking the dog and wants to pursue it further. It doesn't have to be obvious time out away from you for him to meet someone. TBH, I think you bolted rather quickly and back to your parents, and he's got all the time and space in the world now to pursue another woman if that is what he is planning.

If it helps, I was in a relationship for 6 years until 12 months ago. He's the same age as your husband. He wanted to try for a baby, and it took quite some time before we conceived. Not long after I got pregnant he decided he was unhappy and maybe didn't want a family. We tried, tried to work things out for the sake of the child we were having, but it was a struggle. Three years later after a bit of a tiff over something silly, he declared that he hadn't been happy for a long time, but again we agreed to really work on what we both felt the other could improve on and try and make it work but it was all one sided. I was the only one putting in the effort and his heart hadn't been in it for a long time, and I knew this deep down when he declared it the first time round three years previously. I'm now single with a 3.5yr old, no family or friends for support (he made sure the finger of blame all came my way). And whilst it's a struggle to make ends meet and support my child, I'd rather have it that way than wasting more of my life with someone who was unhappy and couldn't be bothered to speak up or make an effort.

Unless you have been completely blinkered in your relationship & marriage, I think you know deep down that it hasn't been right for a long time. Don't be like me and waste another 3 years of your life with someone who doesn't want to be there and whose heart isn't in it. You are worth more than that.

This also happened to me. I was in a 10 year relationship, got married and 6 months later he decided he didn't want to be married or have children. I was 29. It was all I had ever known as an adult and I left the city I was living in and went home to my parents. The first week I felt like I had been beaten up/had jet lag. It was absolutely horrible, I do feel for you. And my friends (I found out who the real ones were, too) told me it would get better but I just couldn't see how.
He was a narcissistic shit bag who lied, took drugs, hit me and treated me appallingly. I held on, hoping he would come back but he didn't. Deep down I knew he wouldn't as I had been the one keeping the relationship together for 10 years.
It did get better. A year later I was pregnant with a man who in comparison treated me like a goddess. He actually wanted to spend time with me! Laughed at my jokes! And 9 years on we are together and happy.

I spent a lot of years with someone who didn't love me, wasn't happy with me and it was miserable looking back. At the time though I thought all relationships were like that, ups and downs etc. They aren't. Don't contact him, you deserve to be with someone that appreciates you for you and knows what they will be losing.
Thinking of you.

Absolutely not selfish for going to your parents! I'd be thinking I was a terrible mum if I ever felt my daughter couldn't come home at any time for any reason. My sister and I have both been through bad relationship breakups (her twice and first time it was another man - major shock for her). My family is actually toxic yet at these times they ABSOLUTELY would have had us go to them (my ex is actually too feart to meet my mum now! He's probably right she'd lay into him!).

And I also agree however 'hard work' you were he knew you well before you married, had ample opportunity to opt out. As I said my ex pulled the same shit (the funny thing is wife no 2 is MUCH harder work than I ever was!).

You're doing really well OP. Don't contact him about Friday, you're right to let him to be the one to contact first. He says everything so far has been what you wanted, so make him be the one to contact you first and say what he wants first - if he's got the balls that is.

I think I would be tempted to text the friends fiancée simply 'is there another woman?'. You might not get an honest answer as she does seem a bit 'I know enough for YOU to talk to ME but I have no information I can give you'. But you never know, she might just answer a straight yes or no question, if there's nothing else in the text that she can address instead as a kind of avoiding tactic, it'd have to be literally yes, no or I don't know (to me that would mean yes but I don't want to get involved tbh)!

I'd say at the moment you're neither truly separated nor truly together. It's too soon to put a name on it. You left to give him some space to think. That's not the same as two people deciding to live apart. Just let things be, for both of you. I know the need to have things 'defined', to know exactly where you are and what to expect. But right now I don't think you should try to figure that part out.

Another thing to think about is could be hiding something else. Could the fertility treatment be expensive, is there a problem with debt?

This just reads like "the script" to me. 

The sudden withdrawal followed by a tortured announcement accompanied by a dash of rewriting history.

I would prepare yourself for an OW - either physical or emotional and I'd take odds that that was the "friend" he met tbh.

Hope I'm wrong.



So sorry to read all of this, I can not imagine how impossible this must be to cope with. I really do think that this can happen out of the blue and there is no reason to think that the OP is hiding anything at all. I saw this happen to 2 of my very closest friends this last 18 months, exactly the same. Behaviour changed, needed time to think and then of course there was OW and then a divorce both times. Both times, they had been unhappy for ages, it was her fault etc etc. I am new to mumsnet, I had no idea there was ' a script' until I read this post but it could have been either one of them that posted exactly like this. One friend had only been married 6 months and it was a fabulous day, he was clearly very much in love with her on the day. The other had a party for her DH a couple of months before he declared his unhappiness (at the same time an xgf appeared on the scene.....) At this party he was full of praise for her, how much she had supported him, how much he loved her. They even went to relate, when he knew he had OW all along.

It was a total shock for them both. If you are feeling how they felt, as I imagine you must be, then I think you are doing brilliantly well.

FWIW, I do think there is another woman too. Another friend found out her DH had been having an affair for 5 years, at work, at lunch time. He was never late home from work.

I hope your results are good on Friday, and that you can start to make a plan for yourself, and how you want things to happen now. Keep the dog yourself!

I'm curious - if someone has an affair 'at work', how do they ever get past 'first base'? If they're never late home or never stay away? I must be naive but I don't think I could conduct an affair with such little 'free' time. How and when would they get the chance to carry on?

Too many ' there, sorry!

Garlic Just checked in to see how you're doing, you still seem to be holding up strong which is great to see.

I wouldn't go chasing him to talk right now, he wanted space so let him have it in abundance whilst he figures out what's important to him but be sure he knows that at some point he owes you a proper explanation and you need a full and frank discussion.

You get to focus on you right now, spend time catching up with friends, watch everything you wanted to watch but he didn't, book a massage for you and your mum (doubles up as 'thanks for looking out for me'), spoil yourself and definitely keep the dog.

In the lunch hour, classy eh?

Actually thinking about it I used to work with someone who was popping home at lunch time (2 mins away) and one of the telesales girls would vanish soon after he left, yep, all going well till his wife came home and caught them.