I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

I need to know what chance this has for being fixed. I don't see him chasing after me and pushing for a conversation, so I think I will have to do the running. Just so I have a chance of sorting it out. If I know that it can't be sorted out, then I can plan for that and start to make choices and decisions. I can't do that when I'm living in limbo.

So he's made you feel like crap.
Blamed you for his unhappiness.
Said you have caused his years of unhappiness and YOU want to do the chasing?
I couldn't do that.
But this is your life and if you think that this is fixable and there is no OW then you should give it a shot.
But he has asked for 2 weeks break and we always advise on here that if a bloke can't back off so you can get your thoughts together then he has no respect for you.
So really think about that.

No, don't chase. And don't blame yourself. Your mum is looking for reasons so she can square this in her own mind. Your husband had a tongue in his head and no matter how 'hard work' you may or may not be, he was always capable of expressing an opinion. And as you said, he didn't marry a stranger - he had met you before he married you! Please don't go down the route of twisting yourself inside out to try and make sense of what he's decided. He has a story in his head about your marriage but that doesn't make it true! Ttc is stressful. It's likely that he's just decided it's too much or he has changed mind. He might have met someone else, I don't know. But he has rewritten your story in his mind because it suits him to. None of that means you did anything wrong. You are allowed to be you.

If you want him back, or want a chance of having him back, chasing is not going to work.

So, are we in agreement that I shouldn't push to meet him on Friday to see if he is ready for talking? I should still give him a couple weeks and give him plenty opportunity to talk to me about it?

Has he asked to meet on Friday?
Or is this something you want to do?
If he hasn't asked then I wouldn't push for it.

Look, stop making it all about your fault as if he didn't have any at all. You are no more to blame than he is. And you are as much to blame than he is.
Trying to find fault (in yourself or in him) isn't going to help.

Knowing that you had issues with communication does. And that means you BOTH need to work on that if you want it to work.

The thing about you having to run after him is a point in case. If he doesn't learn how to get his acts together to save what should be a very important thing, when is he going to learn??? How will y be able to build a better relationship and save that marriage if he doesn't make an effort too?

I'm saying that as someone whose marriage was nearly destroyed by lack of communication.
So maybe do the first step if y feel you need to. Don't do it out of shame or guilt but because it's the only way to move forward.
But also make sure that he is making some forts and putting some work in, not just you.
The big issue with that approach of y doing the running around is that it gives him the message that y are indeed all fully responsible of the situation and your are NOT.

Garlic's H said he had been unhappy for a longtime and did not want to get married.

What else is there to discuss? I would have left just like Garlic did. No point in asking anymore questions. His response was quite clear.

My kids are early teens. But when they are adults and in trouble I will help them. They will always be welcome back. Your parents sound lovely.

I think you are doing well. Send him a text saying you would like to chat, I'll put money on that he will ignore the text. He has moved on. I don't see any evidence that he is trying to communicate with his W. You are being strong and doing all the right things.

I don't see any evidence that Garlic is trying to communicate with her husband either, it works both ways.

I had thought about trying to see him on Friday, as I am over that way anyway for my appointment. I will be willing to work on it if he is, so I thought if I was shown to make the first move then he would know I am really willing to work on it. I suspect though, he might not think it's been enough time? I don't want to put more of myself out there if he has completely made up his mind. And I would be going back on what I said about giving him some space. I can't have this turned around as being pressuring him into talking when I agreed to space. That will just solidify that in his own mind.

I realise I have been very selfish in relying on my parents in the way that I have been. They are utter saints, and I have no idea how I would have gotten through this without knowing they are there as my backup. I will discuss with them today the plan and whether they are happy for me to be here. I will contact H today to see his thoughts on meeting Friday to discuss.

Not selfish at all. My children have come back home for various reasons (one time after a break-up of a long-term relationship). And they've been welcomed. This is their home and we are their parents and would do whatever we could to help and support.

I don't see any evidence that Garlic is trying to communicate with her husband either, it works both ways.

She's had a bombshell dropped on her out of the blue. She has instigated contact so far. She has been told very clearly how her H feels.

What else is she supposed to do? Beg? Grovel? Prostate herself? She's giving him the 'space' he wants.

If he were my H he'd have all the space he wanted. Permanently.

Even if you storm ahead with ideas it doesn't stop someone saying 'whoa there'.

Would you and would he be up for couple counselling? Maybe take the middle road and just message him on Friday letting him know how much you want to work this out and that he should contact you when he is ready to start talking.

How well do you know his friends fiancé?

I really would advise focusing on what you can do to survive this weekend and not give a thought to meeting up with him. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea of splitting up. He's been thinking about it a lot and will be living out his plans.

I agree with the idea of approaching relate and then inviting him to join you, be it for separating amicably or exploring reconciliation.

You really don't need to worry about contacting him. Just don't for now. When he wants to talk to you he will. There is nothing you can do to rush this other than let time pass. This is going to be a tough couple of weeks and things will unfold. Unfortunately by contacting him you are appearing to chase him. I know you want answers but he is obviously not ready to tell you them yet. Its hard, very very hard, but all you can do is wait for him to make the next move.

Garlic I know you are avoiding this but it really is most likely to be the truth. There is another woman. You are looking for reasons as to why you have failed him, reasons as to where it went wrong and when. From everything you have said though he has fallen for another woman and considers himself "in love". Hence the coldness toward you and the re writing of history. He feels he and you have always been wrong for each other and you are naturally searching your mind for where, what and why. Yes he probably was unhappy and someone else has made him feel happy again.

Please be prepared for this bombshell.

I texted his friends fiance, I do know her well. She came to my hen weekend.
I was very brief, I didnt want to put her in a situation. I asked her if she knew what was going on, She said she did, and if i needed to talk she was there. I said to her how confused I was and how I havent really spoken about it.
She said that she only knows that my husband asked to speak to her fiance and now I'm back here at my mums. And thats it. So she says.

It cant be another woman. It just simply doesn't fit with anything. There's maybe only been a handful of times he's been out socialising without me in the recent months. He is home right after his work for the dog, and he generally spends his spare time at home playing computer games. Apart from this happening, there has been nothing to indicate he's seeing someone else. Nothing. I would be in utter disbelief if this turned out to be true.

I would say to him that I will be there in Friday for the appointment so if he wants to talk, just to let me know.

That's it.
You have opened things up, you have made clear you are happy to talk with him,mahatma you are open to it but that's up to him to do it.
Either, if he does need some time apart and he isn't ready, he can say so and won't feel pushed to do something he doesn't want to(as he has said before) and it will push him to make the first step to talking to you.
If he isn't able to actually see you face to face and have a chat with you re your relationship, you have no chance anyway to save this relationship.

I think I'd let him be. If he wants to speak to you, let him initiate it. Especially if he's indicated that he felt 'pushed' by you into things. I'm not saying you have, btw, just that he either thinks you have or is using that as an excuse so he doesn't have to accept blame. Either way, don't play into it.

You know, if I'm honest I may have been was and still am a bit 'decisive'' early on in my marriage. But my DH talked to me about how he felt when I did things he felt were either ignoring his feelings or that should have been joint decisions. I learnt to wait and discuss things rather than present him with a fait accompli based on what I wanted to be done. If your 'd'H is saying you're a bit like I was and he never said anything, then that's on him not on you. If you 'charted the course' and he went along with you while feeling resentful, then that's pretty shitty of him. So don't let him make you feel guilty for being the type to make decisions or plan the future. There's nothing inherently wrong with being a decisive person or knowing what you want. IMO, it's 'more wrong' to let the decisive partner plan on whilst harbouring resentment at not being consulted.

It is up to him to contact you. if you are constantly getting in contact he won't miss you.

Just who is this "friend"? surely it is the female sort that he is having an affair with ? but isn't sure if its going to work out with her yet, so the cold treatment, leading up to the deliberately drawn out final declaration, was him trying to get the courage up/& take the jump that he was going to gamble your previously "happy" marriage on.
Now he will be seeing the friend, & judging if its a winner or not. if it is, there will be no "sorry, I made a mistake".
sorry, this is my hypotheses
& finally he has screwed your marriage, he does not get to keep the dog, call it collateral damage.

garlic were you 17 when you met and he 25? It sounds like he promised a young girl the world and now has the shits that she actually believed him.

I split with my ex h after less than 2 years of marriage, my decision due to his drinking and other issues. He also said he'd never loved me anyway which hurt. I am now married to a lovely guy and we have with 3 kids. Its crap though, I was getting divorced before most of my friends had even married. It doesn't need to wreck your life though, however it feels now. x

Garlic he may not have been at work sometimes. It could be someone he works with. Everyone says that their OH doesn't have time to meet someone etc. and that they wouldn't. Just please be prepared. Of course I hope I and the many others who also think this has the complete markings of an OW written all over it are wrong. But from everything he has said to you and his behaviour, it just seems the simplest explanation and the simplest explanation is often the right one.

Garlic, do you think there's a chance that he may have been feeling unheard in your relationship? I'm not laying blame here, at all; I'm just asking whether he's the type of person who, if he thinks he's not listened to, will shut down and not give his opinion?

So, getting together to talk with him if that is the case will actually take more listening on your part and more talking on his, which can be really hard.

I tend to be a little headstrong in my relationship and sometimes my DP has to practically gag me in order to get a word, or his opinion, heard. I talk over him and it's a terrible habit but means I'm not really listening to what he's saying. It's very frustrating for him and I'm working on it. Fortunately he's like a dog with a bone and my being that way doesn't stop him trying! However, in a previous life, my then partner just shut down and stonewalled me and never proferred any opinion. We fell apart because communication was impossible but he also hid his anger well.

I don't think for one minute that there has to be another woman but I'm sure by now that all those posters proclaiming to know that there is will have well and truly prepared you for that anyway.

Garlic, it's possible that someone else has turned his head, doesn't mean he has actually had an affair. Just seems to fit in with the sudden change of heart. Maybe wrong though and I hope it is.