I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Garlic he was unhappy and instead of addressing it with you live, he has had his head turned by a women who offers nothing but fun and laughter and fun sex. Sorry but this is what you will find out soon.

I think maybe you should break the silence a bit and text him. If you are sorry that you didn't give him enough time before leaving, then maybe say that you are sorry you didn't hang around and that when he's ready, you'll be there to listen to why he's so unhappy. But emphasise on the 'when you're ready'.

You should have a clearer picture as to your future after this break.

I hope you countine to get support here. Your right whatever is going on you have a right to a better explanation. If it's 100% true he felt pressured into it then imo this pretty spineless and doesn't speak volumes for him. What kind of adult would get married because they felt pressured into it. Ok for religious reasons I can see this being true, but from what you have said it doesn't seem that's the case.

My friends ex got married ( before he meet my friend) to some one. He said out of pity. That's not knoble, that's shit. "I married you because I felt sorry for you" swoon, what a selfless hero, what a lucky lady.

More than likely not the whole truth either ( in that case he was a rather sad aging bald 55 year old who was living like he was 18 which is totally fine btw, until you offer something you know you can't give ( in that case settling down).

Your not a shit person. Shit things happen in life because life is sometimes cruel and rather crap

Even if he felt railroaded and pushed into marriage etc then the fault still lies with him for not speaking up. I only point this out because the OP appears to be starting to blame herself, and she shouldn't, certainly not for the reasons he has given so far.

Garlic, do whatever feels right, where you are at right now there isn't a right or wrong, if the uncertainty is too much to cope with mentally then arrange to meet to start the process. If you do meet then do stand your ground, however much he tries to tell you how you feel - just keep correcting him - and no matter how hard it is stick with it, don't just walk out.

I meant there are no sides because we don't know these people well enough to take a side. We don't know everything. All I know is garlic has asked for some friendly advice and some people believe it is they're given right to be mean. Garlic does not need to be told she's been a bad wife when not one of us had been there these last seven years.

garlic I agree with you that being overly judgmental isn't going to help, it's just a more distant position to come back from.
It sounds like there is lots of uncertainty for both you and DH. Plus it sounds like even if you DH knows how he's feeling he's having trouble communicating it (fear of hurting you, fear of blame, shame, could be list of reasons). Counselling, or just having a sensible 3rd person in the conversation can help. It can be easier to explain things to a 3rd person (disinterested party) even with the spouse in the room as it can feel less scary. But it's just an idea when communication is a problem. Not right for everyone.
I really do wish you all the best and am sending you a big hug.

OP you are doing really well, try to take all the advice given with a step back ... If you'd stayed and kept talking to him until you got more answers you may have been accused of pushing him further away and not giving him space ... but whatever has happened is done and now you just need to go forward.

He is a grown man of 33 so plenty of wisdom years built up to have learnt how to speak up... He didn't ( mainly because he was happy in my opinion to get married and start ttc) but has now just probably changed his mind and it's easier to say I never did want to rather than admit a change of heart.

I really wouldn't know myself either whether it's best to contact him or not but really without talking and spending time together I don't see how can anything be resolved so at some point his 'space' needs to turned to 'working together' and being honest with you about what exactly are his issues rather than just vagueness. My opinion only but I suspect his decision is made and he is just being somewhat gutless and I think you are doing the right thing to protect yourself mentally and practically for the outcome whatever it may be... You love him so that's why you want to wait and chat Friday and I really hope he wants to as well but if not at least you can be somewhat prepared, keep it up like I've said and others have you're being remarkably strong and doing great

When I say take a step back from advice given I include my own

He may or may not be a cunt but the way he has gone about this is cuntish. There was no need to drag op out on a rack the way he has. There was no need for the final bombshell. He also seems to be blaming her for everything. Did you have a gun to his head op on the day of your wedding? He's an adult, his own legs walked him down the aisle.

And who's this friend he's talking to so deeply? I'm not suggesting an OW - or maybe I am. It doesn't seem to hang right somehow.

Okay, coming to this a little late in the day (although it probably doesn't feel late to garlic, who's still suffering)...

The fact that this scenario is so common (with or without the presence of OW lurking in the background, beckoning her 'come hither and be unencumbered') would indicate that it's a fairly standard scene, played out in relationships of varying degrees of communication and happiness levels. I had it happen to me, with my adored husband, with whom communication had been total, open and continual, who'd supported me, comforted me, and generally dismissed any concerns about the relationship that I'd had with 'I'd rather be with you with all this crap, than without you', and yet still...still did the 'I never wanted any of this' speech.

Humans are humans. Sometimes they genuinely feel, and reason, that they haven't been sufficiently listened to/respected in a relationship, and this can all hinge on one single remark on one bad day, that gets built in their heads into a continual cycle of 'never being listened to', if they are so inclined.

It's horrible. It's miserable. But, if it's happened once, it will happen again, because some people are built that way. Be prepared, garlic. Even if you reconcile, this will always be there, in the background. You will forever worry that he isn't happy enough, and you will nearly kill yourself in the attempt to make him so.

I'd say walk, and leave him to his wallowing.

Oh, but take the dog.

I don't think offering a different perspective on an action described by the OP is mean. I said I could see where his complaint comes from based on how the OP described something. She can't see that perspective. It is helpful to try to point it out to her, if her aim is to communicate and work on her relationship. Yes, he could still be an ass who is having an affair. Both things could be true.

I personally feel suggesting to the OP there MUST be another woman is cruel, but I can see those posters are trying to be helpful. I don't know why those who don't agree with them or are suggesting not all fault is with the man are being mean or unhelpful. Other than to stop their posting on a public forum.

all marriages have tensions. We're talking two lives melding together - there's bound to be ugly, tense, explosive times.

So it's easy for these flakes to say 'I was unhappy'. Well, yes, it's sometimes miserable subsuming your will into a whole, a unit, that doesn't have solely you at the centre. But that's the nature of marriage.

Perhaps when he says 'I didn't want to get married' he's saying 'I didn't want to sign up to letting my will become part of a fair unit'. 'Didn't want kids' - 'didn't want to give over my will by putting children first'. Maybe he also didn't want his sperm put under a microscope.

Trouble is, they (people who do this) believe wholeheartedly they have had a raw deal and it's All Your Fault

Maybe he also didn't want his sperm put under a microscope

And thats it in a nutshell!

garlic I think you can really tie yourself in knots trying to second guess why he is unhappy etc...
The reality is that he might tell you exactly what was bothering him, it might be that you will never know more than what he has said already (ie I felt pushed into doing things I didn't want to do). It might be that communication wasnt good on both sides but he isn't keen to take his part of responsibility. Who knows?

The one thing you can do atm is to prepare yourself for all eventualities, as much as you can. If he wants to get divorced, what will you do, what do you want (eg with the flat or the dog)? If he wants to work on things, what are your boundaries? What are you happy to work on and what is non negotiable? In particular, look at what in his behaviour would be a deal breaker fur you (eg not taking any responsibility for the situation)

I fully agree with a PP who said that usually responsibility is shared 50/50 ish.
Don't second guess yourself. Don't make yourself to be the THE one responsible for everything. don't take in all the blame and all the guilt.
Of this situation is to be solved, then tou need to address it like adults with as little blame and guilt as possible and a lot of down to earth talk at what is actually happening (and real communication about how you feel about things).
You will be in a better position to do that if you know that you have a plan in place just in case everything goes sour and you feel you gave some sort of control over what happens next.

Lol Spring
Yep I've seen lots of men having REAL trouble with being asked to provide sperm sample as if the mere suggestion that their sperm might not be good enough is the worst insult you can give them. And that somehow it's an attack to their masculinity....

I'd be wary of getting into some sort of custody / visitation stuff with the dog. It can be used as another way of keeping tabs on you or trying to have influence or to control you and your time. Keep the dog. Tell him to get himself a dog if he wants one. Legally a dog is just a possession so don't get caught up in any games

Jeez there are some REALLY unpleasant people on here.

OP you're shocked, you're reeling, you're trying to make sense of things, give him the space he needs and protect yourself. Who fucking knows if you're doing the right thing at every turn, none of us do, there IS no right thing and you're shocked and upset and doing the best you can. I think it sounds like you're doing just fine for now.

Having read the thread, I have a question:
Why do you want this marriage to succeed?

From the outside, you both have a chance to be happy, apart, without this painfully poor communication and grinding earnestness about 'the marriage'. Not to say this isn't an awful time, and that you haven't both had a pretty hard few months of it, but unhappiness is unhappiness - it's not actually that easy to pin down sometimes. Maybe he is just unhappy in the marriage and hasn't been able to say. This does happen and yeah it's a bit lily-livered but it's also kind of incontrovertible, if that's what he feels is the problem. What I mean is you can make him talk it over and I have no doubt you could talk him into saying he will do x,y,z to save 'the marriage', but really: why?

If he had merely said he had been unhappy for a month or two and Garlic had then walked out, I would be agreeing with posters like Wannabe, however, saying that he has been unhappy for years, not wanted to get married and not wanted to ttc, is no way to open up communication and try to see how to mend things, is it?

Garlic, I admire the stance you have taken and agree that you should not get touch. If he decides he wants to continue married to you and you decide to give it a chance, you would both definitely need to go to counselling, but particularly him.

OriginalLEM I have a little job for you op - look on you tube for The beautiful South -a little time. Watch the video to the end. I have been thinking of this song all the way through reading this thread.

Garlic & I hope you can see a way through all this. Don't take to heart any criticism on this thread, it is not personal as the posters don't know you. It must be a very lonely place when you've asked for support & you are getting negative comments.

For those of you criticizing garlic for leaving, what did you want her to do? It sounds to me as if you think she should be doing some equivalent of the 'pick me dance', sticking around wringing her hands whilst he 'makes up his mind' about her future as well as his.

If someone told me they were unhappy, that they had been for a long time, I wouldn't want to be sticking around to have my nose rubbed in it, either. I'd want to say 'Right then, I'm going to go so you can think about what you want in peace. I'm ready to work on our marriage ('fight for it') but you have to decide if you want to do that, too'. And I'd be making alternative plans, too, in case my 'd'H decided he was unhappy enough to end the marriage. You know, 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'.

And I don't think you've been selfish in relying on your parents garlic. Given the same situation I'd be hurt if one of my sons didn't feel they could move home when they were in pain, emotionally or physically. I'd want to help them heal and get back on their feet. My job as a parent didn't magically end when they reached adulthood.

How are you getting on garlic?

Just been reading through done if the comments and this is where MN can be a double edged sword. Sifting through the posts for the helpful comments and sometimes down right bizzare posts can be hard.

Hey Garlic

I think it's great you're holding into your appt on Friday for tests but can I suggest you ask them - just as a precautionary measure - to expand their tests beyond just chlamydia but for all STIs? FWIW, I think most people should do this pretty regularly anyway given the silent damage some STIs can do, but even if just a hint of an OW it really does make sense you do all you can - mentally AND physically - to ensure your own well-being and safety

And I'm sorry some posters seem to be trying to second guess you and post in a way that comes across, whether intentionally or otherwise, as a little bit attacking but this is an open forum and that will happen; it's for you to filter as and where you see fit as only you know the backstory and current story (aside from anything additional you may not yet be aware of IYKWIM).

Stay strong, you're doing unbelievably well

Hello lovely. Just checking in to say you ae doing really well.

Agree that you shouldn't call him. I don't believe that you should have to fight for a marriage - he either loves, respects and values you or he does not. He has chosen this and any efforts to undo it must come from him. I don't believe you should turn yourself inside out trying to fix something that you didn't break. It's hard now, but no good will come from chasing him.

I'm afraid today hasn't been as good a day as yesterday. I feel sick. To the pit of my stomach. I had a discussion with my mum, I told her how serious I thought this was. She's still finding it so difficult to understand, but I get that. It really is NOT like my husband. I find myself getting annoyed at her, she's said she will take my side, of course she will, but is sorry for my husband. She thinks I can be a little full on, I can storm ahead with ideas. So maybe pp's have been right when they said I was harder work than I let on. But that's me, and it's always been me. My husband knew this when he married me that I am motivated, and I get things done.
So I am struggling today. It was easy when it was open/shut. My husband is an arse, I'm ready to move on. But today, it's constant questioning of what I did do that was so wrong. If I had stayed to talk, would we have sorted it out? Was there a chance of that happening? And have I wrecked everything by leaving to come to my mums, is that confirmation for him that I was just ready to give up so quickly.

I really don't think theres OW. Really. I know the friend. I know his fiance. I could message her as she will most certainly be aware of the situation to check this and confirm they met and he will know that I could do this. I would rather not get in contact until I know more from my H and know what he's potentially told people.