I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Both of us have had tests. The results are at our next appointment in June.

OP, regardless of whether your marriage survives or not, I recommend keeping to this appointment, as whatever happens in future you'll have some information about your own fertility at least.

No one is blaming Garlic. She feels this is completely uncharacteristic and posted on here to try to understand. She's written little snippets of texts and described her actions and posters are beginning to see her husband's point of view from her posts. So not even his version of these events. I can absolutely see how if I loved this person, I could be manipulated and steamrolled into marriage and family trying to make her happy and not losing her. Which isn't the same as wanting those things at that time too. Resentment builds. And it sounds like "Mr go along with it to keep the peace" reached his limit last week. OP packed a bag and moved out in one afternoon. There is just so much more to this. And it's ok, OP - you are under no obligation to share more. Just please take the support here with a pinch of salt as it's not really based on what is going on in your life.

Thank you all.

I realise I have been very selfish in relying on my parents in the way that I have been. They are utter saints, and I have no idea how I would have gotten through this without knowing they are there as my backup. I will discuss with them today the plan and whether they are happy for me to be here. I will contact H today to see his thoughts on meeting Friday to discuss.

My head is a mess today. A complete mess. I don't know whether this is fixable, and I'm second guessing now whether I've just messed things up beyond repair, if it was even repairable in the first place. I've maybe not been the most perfect wife, it maybe wasn't the best marriage, but I try. I try to give us a nice life together, I was committed to him and our future. Please don't think I gave up too easily when this wasn't at all my choice. He's devastated me, and I'm doubting everything in our relationship by the things he's said. If this can continue, I have no idea what it will have been built on, because I can't trust that he's in this with me, and I can't trust that he is honest, and I can't trust that any of his feelings are genuine.

There really doesn't have to be a build up though. Sometimes things do come out of the blue. Let's face it men do crave things they haven't got. How many men have turned around and said they feel like they're missing out on all the fun of being single. There are no experts on this thread. Nobody is in garlics shoes. And every relationship is different. The last thing garlic needs is blame.

I wouldn't contact him to be honest.
He's the one who has put this on you (no matter what other posters are trying to say)
He said he's been unhappy for years.
He said that you've forced all the decisions.
And it's all a load of bollox
As so many have said, he is re-writing history to justify his shit actions.
I am almost sure I know what those actions will turn out to be.
So many of us have been there.
Seen the personality change over night.

And low and behold, we were all right!
It's not always an OW but it more often than not, is.
I would also think that his chat with his 'mate' was the OW and making plans.

And as for people assuming your mum and dad might not be happy with you there, I can only assume you don't have grown up children?
Or your parents aren't very nice.
I would take my DD back in a heartbeat if she needed somewhere to stay, no matter how old she was. I'm her mum and I'm here for her, always!!
My mum and dad had to take me back at age 26 and were happy to do so.
In fact, if I needed an escape now they would take me back in and I'm late 40's.

Some odd responses going her now. Weird!

Maybe he was swept up in trying to keep me happy. I had him painted as someone who I could rely on, he was my best friend. If he is unhappy with all of our past, I can't take any of it back. If he feet forced into getting married to me, how can I change that? We are now married. I take that he is basically saying he wishes he hadn't done it. Of course with the ttc stuff, if that was a big reason for it then that was easily something we could put on hold. But he said he felt he wasn't ready for any of it. So he's not going to feel ready with a couple weeks to think is he? Is it that he's not ready for this kind of commitment? So am I meant to just wait to see if eventually he does feel ready in the future? I have no idea what I am going to say to him when we do talk, because these are all issues that he has. And I can't make up his mind for him.

My DD is eight and I will always be there for her. You're not being selfish. You needed space and that was right for you. There are a lot of opinions on here and they are just opinions. I don't understand why some people think they're word is utter truth. Just ignore and do what you believe is right.

Garlic I think you're doing great

For what it's worth, I would be very surprised if there's not an OW - or at least a potential one in his head. That would explain his sudden 'switch off' a few days ago. And as others have said, it would also explain his sudden re-writing of history (to make himself feel better about it all).

I also agree that the 'give it a couple of weeks space' is probably just his cowardly way of saying it's over without saying it. In the distant past I admit I have used that line to 'gently' finish with boyfriends - although now I realise how cruel that was.

And lastly - to all the 'doubters' on here trying to cross-examine the OP - can I politely remind you this is supposed to be a place of support. So if you think it's not genuine, report or just bugger off and find a thread you do want to offer some help to.

garlic from your reports of what he has said it sounds like open communication has been an issue in the relationship for a while. Would it help to suggest some counselling keeping an open mind to the final outcome? It could either help both of you to communicate to rebuild your relationship or help achieve an amicable separation.
A professional would be able to objectively help you communicate rather than the very useful, but subjective (including me) MN support.

The thing is OP, none of us know. If he just got swept up along with your dreams for your future, he did so because he loves you and wanted to be with you (even if he didn't necessarily feel ready for the things you wanted at the time.). Or he could be a master manipulator who met another woman and is trying to rewrite your history to alleviate your guilt. Posters are projecting their past experiences into your circumstances- but please remember none of us can truly guide you because none of us know your history or you and your husband.

Best thing to do is listen. Take lots of time to listen. If he's lying, you will know - not strangers on Internet.

Ahem....there is a lot of self blame in your last few posts there. STOP THAT NOW!

You are not him so you can only really question yourself but it will be at least 50/50 or may well be more his fault than yours. Stop beating yourself up.

No it isn't selfish to stay with your parents. You have just had a massive shock. i know you said upthread that your mum saying things like its just a blip. I think you will just have to rise above that. You know your dh better than she does. Its hard as a parent, my dd is your age and just had a massive relationship bust. im really fond of sil so it was tough for me and really the best policy is to zip it, listen and provide the wine. But is so difficult when you want only good things for your dc.

I have a little job for you op - look on you tube for The beautiful South -a little time. Watch the video to the end.

if you were my dd id be very proud of you!

I would be open for counselling, but I suspect he's already past his breaking point with it. If this is all true and he has been bottling it up for years before it has just reached this end, then I don't see how talking about it can help. In my opinion, without having discussed this first with him, he's done. He's spent so long hiding all his true feelings, and so just why would he start sharing them now? If he wants out, what benefit would it give to him to talk this through with me?
Assuming he wants out. I won't know anything for sure until he makes this decision. But as I said, I'm pretty sure I know what the end outcome is going to be and I'm planning for that situation. Anything else is going to be a welcome surprise. I could deal with him turning around and saying that we can work on this, but I couldnt deal with hoping this will turn out okay, for him to turn around after waiting weeks and saying actually no.
Does that make sense? I know it looks like I've made up my mind for this ending, I feel like I have, but I need to prepare for that situation because I don't want to go through this again in a few weeks. If I deal with it now, I'll be ready (or I hope to be) for whatever will happen in the future.

I don't want my actions to reflect that this is what I want, I just want my actions to show that I am prepared for what I think is about to happen. Thank you originalREM, I will watch the video when I have time later on.

Start thinking in terms of what YOU want.

If he wanrs to work on things are you REALLY wanting to compromise on everything just to make him happy.

Watch the clip!

Wannabe Give it a rest!! OP said in the first post there were issues and stresses in the marriage, she's not saying it was 100% and now she's given up. He's acted like he hates her for a week, dumped her after work one day - but not before taking an hour or so to 'talk to "a friend"' before getting round to coming home and actually telling her, and then blamed her for him being unhappy for ages, as if he never wanted to get married or ttc or any of it. If that was your H, how exactly (and why!) would you 'fight for your marriage'? Because if it was my H I'd tell him to fuck off then, obviously - although he's already split up with her anyway so anything she says now is not going to make much difference.

OP I wouldn't contact him at all. You said you'd give him space, do that - and that gives yourself space too. You need to not worry about how he is or what he's saying. Worry about you and keeping happy. And I really wouldn't let him take the dog, even for a short period of time because you can't trust he'll give him back, he's done a personality 180 in a week, he isn't who you thought he was. You were the one whose first thought was for the dog, to take him and look after him and walk him and feed him. Break ups are hard, he needs to let go of the dog, it's ok for him not to get everything.

Garlic you don't need to justify your relationship to us here or lay bare anything that you hope will make people believe your version of events.

This is your life, your feelings and your reality. Regardless of who is to blame your marriage is in crisis and you need to take it easy on yourself. Allow your parents to look after you for a while, we all need that from time to time, and if you think going back on Friday to have a conversation with your husband is the next step then do that. You have to very sure in your mind that your life changing decisions are the right ones for you.

I think you are doing well and your clarity of mind is sharp. Marriages go through difficult patches and some break up. However some of them get through the difficulties that present themselves and become stronger so as much as I have my own opinion, as does everyone else on this thread, the only opinion that matters at the end of the day is yours.

He is still your husband, it's still your decision. It always has been and always will be. Please don't give away the control that we all have within ourselves that protects us from harm. Being married doesn't mean we give that control away, if anything, it's more important to ensure you know where to find that control and how to use it because it's easier to become absorbed into the other person. That's not what marriage is about.

Snooze, please don't try to shut down other posters' opinions because they differ from yours. Relationship sectio is a bit infamous for this and it would be a shame for this thread to follow that route.

Yup, I've noticed that mine and other opinions have been shot down in this thread because they differ from 'he's a cunt'.

Not nice.

Fatpaul, personally I can't take much from your posts because I feel you are trying to read between the lines for something which isn't there. Until my h comes to me and explains more of his reasoning, I simply won't know what I've done so terrible that he can't be with me anymore. And then what would it matter who's been unreasonable, I'll still be left to deal with this situation and I appreciate the support people are offering me to help get me through it. Some comments IMO, have been particularly harsh and have only been good at making me feel even more shit than I already feel. So I'm sorry if myself and others haven't been taking your comments on board, because they aren't what I need right now.

And no, I'm not looking for an army of " he's a cunt", I do appreciate a balance of opinions. But assuming that I must be hiding something, or I am a completely unreasonable wife isn't fair. Even if my behaviour was causing my husband to leave, I should have a right to know this to try and fix it. Not just have a "I've been very unhappy and you forced me into marriage).

Opinions are all well and good but some people are talking like they know it all. Some people don't seem to have an open mind. And when people are getting nasty then that's crossing the line...

Opinions are all well and good but some people are talking like they know it all. Some people don't seem to have an open mind. And when people are getting nasty then that's crossing the line

On both 'sides' tbf.

There are no sides.

If there isn't another woman, I will eat some liver ( and I detest liver with a passion).

I know Mumsnetters always shoot down posters who automatically accuse the partner of having an affair but, to me, it's quite obvious!

Sorry, OP! He's a tool!

There are no sides

It was a word in ' ' to represent differing standpoints.

All right I'll reword it. Differing points of view.

although I am sure you are probably aware of what I meant