I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

You're delusional if you think his family would want to reach out to you...

Personally if my DS rang me and told me that he'd been unhappy and that DW had refused to discuss it and left with bags already packed after five minutes saying the ball was in his court I'd be telling him he'd had a lucky escape and thank God she hadn't got pregnant.

That's a bit harsh there WannaBe - the h had two years of engagement to decide if he wanted to be married to garlic. He had 3 years of dating before that to decide. Hell, he even had his wedding day to say "Actually, on thinking about this, I'm not sure I want to be married to anyone at the moment" when it came time for the vows. But he didn't (based on what garlic has posted so far). He has had ample opportunity to have his say. He continues to have plenty of opportunity to have his say.

I'm guessing that the following were conversations had by garlic and her husband over the past while:
garlic : Do you want kids? him Not sure. Let's leave it for now.
(a while later)
garlic Do you want kids? - him Ok
garlicWe should go for fertility treatment - him Ok
Decisions that the H made throughout this relationship (again, based on what the OP has posted so far).

He's made plenty of decisions that have not only affected him but the OP too. Now the OP is doing something for herself and should be supported. Just my two cents on the situation.

Hope you're doing ok today garlic

no I'm not a US journalist.

For those who do think I am to blame for this, what is your advice I do now?
I've said I'll give him space, so I can't back track on that can I? Do I send him texts hoping that he is doing OK? Do I ask how he is? Do I just live this next little while in turmoil without making any plans either way?

I'm not controlling. I know the things he is referring to about not getting a say in things and it's all such trivial matters which I haven't dismissed his feelings on and done my own thing. Its been related to home improvemments which he feels we dont need. I've not went ahead and done anything against his wishes, so if anything, it's been more his say rather than mine, which isn't even a compromise. We have our own space. We have our own time to ourselves, we socialise both together and separately. I feel generally we do have good communication ( albeit just not this last week).

You say he wasn't mid speech when you walked out, but you also say "I told him that I would go for that night. And he never said anything else, so I got up and got my things together, said goodbye to my dog, and left." You basically told him the conversation was over. He seems to be saying he had more to say. Give him that chance properly, maybe after a couple of weeks.

likePercy/Wannabe - I agree. This all seems very pre-planned to me. It all seems 'my way or the highway' and you have 5 minutes to decide or I walk out.

This didn't come out of nowhere. There has to have been a build up we are not hearing about.

Well, it sounds as if communication is shit between the both of them, which is why it doesn't add up that the OP would be so sure he was about to end the marriage when she says she had no idea he was unhappy.

And yes of course you can go back and talk to him. He's your husband not a toddler.

Where you go now is you tell him you both need to talk. To discuss the things he says he's unhappy about, to see if there's a way forward, even if that does mean a separation for now. But for now neither of you have actually had a conversation. about the issues that have brought this about.

I'm sorry but I really don't think I'm leaving anything out. My normally kind and loving husband started acting like he hates me practically over night. If I've made such a mistake and not acted like I cared about our marriage from not staying in the conversation, despite me after telling him I was ready to fight and believe that it is he that doesn't. Then why hasn't he tried to communicate. He's dropped the bombshell. He knows me, he knows how this will have caused me to feel. He knows I'm hurting, I've told him, but doesn't care enough to follow it up. I know he must be hurting too, but I don't know if I can do anything to help that.
Maybe I should just start trying to contact him? So he does know I care?

He's gone cold and distant as he's mentally checked out of the relationship already. By blaming you for marriage and TTC he can make himself out to be a poor little blameless piece of perfection. He's not.

I think there's an OW or a possibility of one, so sorry.

When I announced I was going to stay at my mum's it was not mid conversation. He had sat across from me quiet while I was crying. He hadn't said anything for a time before.

You know. Clearly our communication is shit. Because we talk, about day to day life. I talk about our future all the time, about making plans, booking holidays. And I should have fucking twigged that he never had these conversations with me. He responds, and says all the 'right' things, the answers I'm happy to hear. But never has he brought up something like that and I question for how long really he didn't see a future with me.

Ttc conversations were always initiated by me, and I was always so careful not to put too much on him due to 'the pressure'. In the past when there was clear there was an issue, I cried to him. I cried that I couldn't do this alone. And he apologised and said he would try. When it got to the stage that I felt we needed to get some tests done (more down to me and my fertility) my GP recommended that H go to get his done too just to rule it out. And he did, he made the appointment, he went along. This was not me forcing him into this, he had many opportunities to put the breaks on if he wanted more time, or be honest with me.

He is my husband. But I do believe he has treated me appualingly. He's dropped this on me, he had the time to think about this beforehand and talk to his friend to know what he was going to say. I had a week of anxiety and an afternoon of frantic posting on MN. I was still completely unprepared for him putting his unhappiness on me and my forcing him into things.
If he truely believes that I did that and hes' not to blame, then why would he want to still be in a marriage with me?

I mean his argument that I forced him into this life.

I don't think it is completely bizarre for me to think his family might be in contact. But it would depend on what he has said. We were all out to lunch on Sunday, and things seemed normal. This will have come as a complete surprise to them too.

Im afraid I agree with KittyKrap, it would fit with the sudden change in character and emotions, but at this stage is it going to make any difference? I don't know but for me it is a question I would have to consider and ask.

Garlic, I was hoping for at least a 'how are you text last night' - Glad you at least slept well.

You didn't force him into this life, how could you? Unless someone speaks up how are you to know?

I don't think op is holding back. She's emotional and upset quite naturally and posts aren't going to be a totally linear narrative!

Fwiw my ex did exactly the same in terms of 'all this was never my idea' 'I was forced into marriage and dc' bull! Even HIS mother said so!

There was an ow (2 actually!)

My ex too was all about being the nice guy/reputation (blown out the water when one ow had his child 7 months after we split NOT preemie).

A lot of posters seem to have missed the op saying that this fri tests are for sti's I think he's worried he's about to get caught!

Sorry op stay strong take care, prep financially, and be prepared there likely is an ow.

Those of us saying this are doing so cos we've been there, seen friends there, seen it on here etc etc

I don't think it is completely bizarre for me to think his family might be in contact.

To flip it, have your family been in touch with him?

So I'm think I'll go back on Friday. I have my appointment in the afternoon, it's just along the road. I'll take the dog to see him. And hopefully by then I've given him enough space, assuming we have no contact until then, and we can have a chat before any decisions are made. Hopefully by then he's had a think about what he wants to do x

I don't think my moods have been terrible. My mood is quiet and withdrawn, which I know he doesn't like. But it's how I deal with things until I'm ready to open up

OP this is what you said.

You have to give him the same to think until he is ready. You can't 'force' him to discuss something when you withdraw and close up yourself.

My family have wanted to and I've insisted they don't. That would go against me giving him his space. But in this situation, if I'd had this conversation with him and dropped a bombshell on him, my family would be the first to phone or message to see he is doing OK!

Garlic He's a grown man and if at any point he didn't want any of those things he has the ability and vocabulary to say no. He didn't, he said yes and let you build your vision of your future together upon that and to rip that out from underneath you is horrid. What's more, to go out of his way to be cold and distant for a prolonged period of time is cruel, I've been there and I know how stifling and crushing it feels.

Yes, clearly communication hasn't been perfect but not all couples realise there is a problem, especially when the communication problem is the lack of it from one party specifically.

His lack of communication over the duration of their relationship has built to him feeling how he feels now. We're all guilty of not picking up on cues as to when something isn't right but that doesn't mean she is the cause of this.

The problem here though is that you don't seem to see any middle ground between blissfully happy and the marriage is over.

The answer to "I'm not happy and haven't been for a while" isn't to pack your bags and walk out until he decides that's what he wants. The answer is to sit down and have a conversation about where the unhappiness really lies, is it salvageable, do you want to work things out, etc.

If marriage for you is a life-long commitment then there will come times when one or both of you aren't happy. Or when you're not getting on. Or when you feel that he doesn't like you very much or vice versa. There will even come times when you feel you don't want to be married and will wonder whether you want to carry on.

If your response every time is to walk out and proclaim the end of your marriage then you are destined to live a life littered with failed relationships.

it may be that the marriage is over. It may be that he doesn't want to be married to you any more or even that he has met someone else. but it may also be that he is simply unhappy. If at the time when you are unhappy that source of unhappiness says "ok, I'll leave," then it's inevitable that they will cling to that as a positive, because right now the situation is the negative.

The only solution is communication, communication, communication. Talk through everything. Decide mutually what you want. Listen to each other's point of view, even if that point of view may hurt, and come to conclusions together. then and only then do you walk out of the marriage and declare it over.

I beleive you garlic, this is exactly what happened to me. I had text messages 2 days before he left saying how much he loved me.

He was having an affair.

I am now in a new relationship and realise now that my old marriage was shit. I didn't realise it at the time, and would of lives like that forever, but this relationship feels so different, like a movie (cheesy I know) so maybe you feel like you do communicate well Ect, I did. But in a few months time you will realise it was not right. Otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. He is just the wrong person for you. You deserve someone better who wouldn't do this to you.

The sudden overnight change, I know how that feels, I beleive it happened like that with you. There is more to the story than this. I would deffo think someone else even if it's an emotional affair. Be prepared

Sometimes a women has a gut feeling, an instinct. Why blame garlic by saying she's hiding something. When my man cheated I just knew. No if's or buts... Women do know these things. When you live with someone and they know you of course you're going to know something is up. Garlic follow you're heart and do what's best for you.
Wannabe be quiet lovely. Strong marriages crumble everyday. Lord women can be nasty.
It's like when you're child has done wrong. You know because you spend everyday with them. You know THEM.
Garlic ignore all the nastiness

I don't think my moods have been terrible. My mood is quiet and withdrawn, which I know he doesn't like. But it's how I deal with things until I'm ready to open up

OP this is what you said

You have to give him the same to think until he is ready. You can't 'force' him to discuss something when you withdraw and close up yourself

I agree with littlemiss

Good, strong, loving marriages do not crumble on the thought process of one person and the announcement by another that he's not happy. They just don't

Yes they do when one partner meets "the love of his/her life" - in my case after 24yrs of being told I was the love of his life. Yes, looking back, I now see the signs were there BUT AT THE TIME it was a bolt from the blue. Literally, in August my H was "the happiest he'd ever been", in October he wanted a divorce because he had been unhappy for years . In Sept he'd declared his undying love to the OW - who didn't exist naturally.

When one person checks out of the marriage there is bugger all the other can do to save it.

I think that if your relationship was good, and communication, in general, was good also, then walking out so suddenly was probably a bad move. I can understand that you wanted to get away, wanted support, felt that he'd told you your marriage was over so therefore no point in staying. But, you didn't give you or him time to thrash things out and try to make any sense of what was said, what wasn't said, what you both thought about all fo this.

What's done is done. Now though, I think you should arrange to meet with him and do just that - thrash out what is, and what has been, going on. If you don't do that then there's every probability that your marriage is now over, without either of you really understanding what ever went wrong.

I think you need to ease of on your expectations of your parents too - reclaiming your old bedroom at short notice, expecting their 100% support. In some ways they are right, it does sound like a tiff that many married couples go through, especially since you did walk out so quickly. That's not relevant really though.