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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
BennyTheBall · 26/04/2016 20:59

My friend's husband did something very similar. Went suddenly cold on her, then said he wasn't happy, then very cruelly said there were never any fireworks in their sex life for him. He also said he felt railroaded into marriage and a baby and he left for a month so he could sort his head out.

My lovely friend was devastated, blamed herself for absolutely everything. Lost weight, booked counselling, went to the ends of the earth to make him happy.

She never lost hope that she could make it work with this man - the love of her life.

Until she discovered he'd been having an affair all along.

And it's not just in rl I have witnessed this. I have been on MN for years and years and I have seen this story play out over and over.

Cherchez la femme many will say, and they're almost always right.

CoolforKittyCats · 26/04/2016 21:01

It is very often because of an OW

There may or at not be an OW. So people should stop talking as if there is one.

WaspsandBeesSting · 26/04/2016 21:02

Oh, and tell him to move out of the flat while he's 'thinking.

He has much right to be there as OP.

MiniCooperLover · 26/04/2016 21:19

BennyTheBall, I've read your post and it could have been written about a lovely friend of mine who is going through the exact same thing at the moment, word for word !!! Sad there literally is a script isn't there .... Confused

BennyTheBall · 26/04/2016 21:29

Yes, I believe so MiniCooperLover.

I have another friend who is a relationship counsellor and she's even more cynical than me!

Storminateapot · 26/04/2016 21:30

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine, but after 25 years & 2 children. He hadn't been happy for 3 years apparently. Out of the blue the loving family man went went cold & unceremoniously dumped her on her arse with very cruel words.

Everyone felt sorry for him, as well as my friend - it was so bizarre & out of the blue we thought he was having a breakdown.

But no. Guess what...?

Cherchez la femme indeed. Hmm

Cocoabutton · 26/04/2016 21:32

I really feel for you, OP. As someone upthread said, no one held a gun to his head to get married and TTC. It sounds like he is rewriting history.

Inertia · 26/04/2016 21:35

Even if you don't want to be the one feeling that you're calling time on the marriage, there is absolutely no harm in finding out where you would stand in terms of the house, finances, divorce proceedings etc. He's already caught you totally on the hop- don't let him do it a second time.

Your husband is not the only person who gets to make a decision about the marriage. If he decides that he wants to come back, you don't have to accept him. This is your time to decide what you want as well.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:36

Evening all.
There's been lots of comments to catch up on. For balance, my h is a kind, thoughtful man. When I was telling this to my friend tonight, she honestly can't believe we are talking about the same person. And I agree. I knew something serious was up because of how different he acted. It's hard to explain this to people who don't know him, but it was as though I disgusted him, like he hated me. In my head, I knew he was giving up on us.

He is 33, I am 25.

I will not press to find out if there is another woman. I don't believe there is, it just wouldn't fit. I will be holding onto my little dignity left and not continuing to contact him.

I maybe should not have left without having more of a discussion. In my mind, he had already decided and I couldn't see what I could say to help matters. I maybe shouldn't have given him the control over this time apart to think, but I've done it now so I need to stick with my decision that I will not contact him.

If he decides to fight for this, then he contacts me. I have already made it clear that I will fight too. But he needs to make a clear, conscious decision that he is going to do it.

I'm not hopeful that we will be together at the end of this. I agree with some posters that he seems to have already made up his mind and just buying time.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:41

And for me to fight for this it is greatly dependent on the effort he puts in. I won't be jumping through hoops, I'll simply be supporting him to feel happy and secure in our relationship, and giving him the chance. I think this is unlikely though, I truly believe he has given up.

OP posts:
RiverWhy · 26/04/2016 21:43

For balance, my h is a kind, thoughtful man..................i strongly disagree

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:46

I now also disagree.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 26/04/2016 21:46

Just so you know, OP, people who don't live with someone wouldn't know them a fraction as well as those who do. It's one reason why abuse victims don't dare speak out. Everyone else thinks the abuser is absolutely charming. So whatever your friend thinks is irrelevant. He's demonstrably the kind of man who'd happily treat you like garbage, whether your friend sees it or not.

Coconutty · 26/04/2016 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostandsoscared · 26/04/2016 21:47

Happened to me, 8 weeks ago.

DC together, actively trying for a second, selling our home and buying a larger one. I fell pregnant then miscarried. He left me a week later.

Said he thought we'd never been right for each other. Took him 15 years to come to that conclusion. I've been left in the absolute shit.

So sorry OP, the only thing I can say to you is that someone who can treat you this way does not deserve to be with you. You are worth so much more Flowers

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:47

I agree. Everyone will see the charming man, but I know how cold and distant he can be.

OP posts:
ABetaDad1 · 26/04/2016 21:48

I may be speaking way out of turn here but if you haven't been married 2 years yet and spent 16 months o that TTC it hasn't been much fun for either of you and you probably lost sight of the reason you got married.

You sound like you are on a mission. Get married, get pregnant.

That's the reason he feels railroaded. Its all being driven by you.

TTC is a grim process once the fertility clinic get involved. Been there.

I don't think he mentally signed up for that when he got married.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:50

Lost- I'm so sorry! Are you doing better now or is it still so hard? My h will join him in the shit pile.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:52

H wanted to ttc before the wedding when he seem what all his friends had with their kids. We agreed together after the wedding and our honeymoon we would try.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/04/2016 21:53

Many a "kind and thoughtful" h's heart has turned to stone once he's determined that his marriage is over.

Although you don't want to believe that it is the case, imo it's a given that there is an ow and only time will tell whether he's sufficiently brazen to be seen out and about with her in the near future, or whether he'll keep her under wraps until the ink is dry on the Nisi.

In any event, you are best advised to consult a solicitor with a view to establishing what entitlement you have with regard to the division of marital assets as forewarned is always forearmed. You may also be best advised to let him institute proceedings to divorce providing he picks up the tab for his own and your legal fees.

Flowers Sorry you've had this rude awakening, garlic, but better now than if you'd had dc with him and, if you should reconcile, I would suggest you put ttc on hold for at least a couple of years until you can trust that there won't be a repeat performance.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 21:55

Understandably the struggling with the ttc was hard, but h made it 10x by refusing to speak about it due to 'the pressure'. It all makes sense now that he's said it wasn't what he wanted, but he should have said that and not allowed things to continue. I felt shit, I felt like I was going through it all alone. I believed him when he said it was the pressure, I thought when it happens it would all be worth it. We both wanted this at one point, I just don't know when he changed his mind.

OP posts:
RiverWhy · 26/04/2016 21:57

garlic, he is a cunting shitweasel..i am glad you are getting so much support here x

lostandsoscared · 26/04/2016 21:58

Its still hard, but with the brilliant support I've had from family and friends I've been able to muddle through. Still can't quite accept this is happening to me though.

I know in the future I will be happy again and I already see that he is not the man I thought he was. I am just grieving for the life I have lost. But a new and improved one will come my way, and yours too.

Stay strong and keep your self worth xxx

Daisychain5 · 26/04/2016 21:59

Garlic...have you both had tests to see where any potential problems with conceiving are? Could he be worried that his 'manhood' is in question so he would rather run away?

FlyingScotsman · 26/04/2016 22:00

And??
There are plenty of things people don't sign up for when they get married.
Trying for a baby within 6 months of getting married isn't unusual. And HE wanted it too. So how has the OP being 'railroading him'?? Or it was her 'driving it all' as if she had forced him to go down the route of the pg etc???

And if he didn't want to, then he should have said so. Why should it be the woman's responsibility to somehow 'know' he doesn't want to or that she giving too fast for him or whatever? And that he doesn't have the responsibility to explain his feelings.

Nope sorry I'm not buying it. If he felt that uneasy, he should have said so.