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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 26/04/2016 18:59

Ask him outright if there is an OW. And again, and again until he admits it.

Bloody hell. I'm starting to feel sorry for him now. Is this what some people do when their partner is unhappy? Make massive assumptions and accuse them of affairs all over the place?

How about he might just be unhappy about the huge decision to procreate and feel as though things are moving too fast for him?! How about someone asks HIM how HE feels about things, without shouting at him? Perhaps he didn't feel able to put the brakes on things without it becoming a massive issue - he got it wrong and now IS dealing with an even bigger one.

Every marriage needs working on - it doesn't just flow forever without ups and downs, so her parents are right on that score. We hit periods of struggling, whether it's down to communication or external influences but the idea is to work them out together, not run away at the first hint of trouble. It's a big decision that HE might be struggling with, for lots of reasons.

But he didn't tell you, didn't explain his feelings and didn't give you chance to work on or fix anything.

This can depend on the normal initial reaction from Op whenever he raises an issue. If when he brings up an issue he gets a negative reaction then perhaps he's learned to keep quiet... Not saying that this is the case, just that it may be.

BennyTheBall · 26/04/2016 19:02

God, I agree with AF. There's no way I'd follow that advice.

I suspect he knows for sure it's over (and it's almost always because he has met someone else) and he is doing the 'take a break' thing because that's easier for him, rather than having to be totally honest with you.

Cloudstasteofmash · 26/04/2016 19:11

benny you have no evidence of that at all.

It's just not true that when people take a break or split up its mostly always because of some one else.

FatPaul · 26/04/2016 19:14

It sounds like you're both really shit at communicating. Rather than talk about it much you left him and have gone to your mums.

How old are you both? Tbh I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for him.

FatPaul · 26/04/2016 19:15

And why are people insisting that there's an OW?

kaitlinktm · 26/04/2016 19:17

Well I don't feel sorry for him. He left Garlic fretting for hours and expected her to be a mind-reader and take the blame for his discontent. I would have wanted to give him space too - he has his family and friends close at hand.

Oh - and please don't do the pick me dance Garlic. Just take one day at a time.

FatPaul · 26/04/2016 19:21

Also we are only getting the OP's side of things, I'm not the only poster who thinks that it's very weird for the OP to have decided that her DH was going to leave her on seemingly no evidence which makes me wonder if there's something she's not telling us.

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 26/04/2016 19:25

why are people insisting that there's an OW?
Because we've been there and smelled the bullshit got the t-shirt FatPaul

TattyCat · 26/04/2016 19:25

FatPaul

Yep. There's two sides to every story and those insisting there must be an OW are likely preferring that idea because it adds to the 'drama'. IF it turns out that there is another person on the scene then that is the point at which relevant advice is useful. Until that point, it is merely provoking.

maddening · 26/04/2016 19:25

The best way imo now of finding out about whether there is an ow (in absence of access to his social media etc) is to pop back to the flat to get a couple of items every now and then in the day when he is at work, don't tell him that you are going or that you've been - if he gets comfy that you aren't there h may slip up and the would be evidence of ow there

temporarilyjerry · 26/04/2016 19:25

why are people insisting that there's an OW?

Because rewriting history, "I've been unhappy for a long time," is part of the script.

FatPaul · 26/04/2016 19:30

He might well have been unhappy for a long time.

If I was a bit distant or whatever for a week or so there's no way my wife would jump to the conclusion that I want a divorce and that's why I don't think that we are getting the full picture.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/04/2016 19:31

Well, as I said very early on in the thread I felt exactly this way before one such conversation; I was sure he was going to leave. He did. The reason I was so sure was simply because he had always been so perfect and kind and considerate - the moment he kept me hanging with "I'll talk to you when I get home" I knew that second he didn't love me anymore - not at all because there had been anything untoward in our relationship.

I also read a good many of these comments about an OW with a raised eyebrow. I thought how can that possibly be a blanket rule? How silly of me, when in my situation there ABSOLUTELY WAS an OW, and yes, she was who he was talking to before he was going to talk to me. It seems uncanny so many have been through the same thing, but sadly enough it seems likely he's at least already imagining (and enjoying the idea of) a life somewhere else, with someone else, where the grass will always be greener...

Again garlic, you're doing so well. Do whatcha gotta do.

CoolforKittyCats · 26/04/2016 19:32

Because rewriting history, "I've been unhappy for a long time," is part of the script.

Still doesn't always equal an affair.

2boysnamedR · 26/04/2016 19:45

I have been following, im sorry, this sounds like a crap situation all round.

Being married means hard and difficult conversations especially when kids come along with their own issues.

Don't forget to ask yourself if this really is what you want in life if you both can't work out why your not talking. You may well get past this blip but there's going to the underlying problem to sort out. Don't settle in life.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2016 19:48

At the risk of being flamed, IMO it doesn't matter if there's an OW or not. Garlic has been disrespected, blamed, and marginalized by her 'd'H. That's all that matters, at least right now. Why he's done it is unimportant. It's enough. Enough on its own to make her question her marriage and her future. So leave it*. Don't keep insisting she find out if there's an OW. She has enough to think about right now.

Honestly, if it were me I wouldn't care if my 'd'H was shagging the whole staff of Hooters. All I would care about is that he has turned my life upside down and then blamed me for doing so!

*I acknowledge that none of you has to actually do what I say.

UpsiLondoes · 26/04/2016 19:50

I know both men and women who have been unhappy in a relationship and thought ... I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship. It's really insulting so many posters can't imagine a man wanting to end a relationship because he's not happy. That it MUST be another woman. Just no.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/04/2016 19:54

So someone dragged him up the aisle and held a gun to his head? Perhaps it's time he grew up

Blackheart2016 · 26/04/2016 20:03

It doesn't matter much to the outcome if there is another woman or not. If he's not happy and wants to end the marriage then that's that.

I told my story earlier in the thread and there was no ow or om, just horrible stresses (including ttc) and a busy family life.

Abecedario · 26/04/2016 20:18

You may not ha been in situation before where everything was seemingly perfect then suddenly it's not and the other person starts turning your relationship into a lie, claiming they'd never been happy and moreover that its all your fault. I have, others on this thread have. It happens. It's actually depressingly common. It doesn't mean there's something the OP isn't telling us and it doesn't automatically mean she's done something wrong or is 'crap at communication'. This has literally just happened, the OP is in turmoil and reeling from her husbands announcement that he's not happy, and that everything she thought they were planning and working for together was apparently not what he wanted after all. (I do think this is bullshit personally, he wanted it at the time, has changed his mind or panicked for whatever reason, and has found it easier to rewrite history than just admit that). Can we stop blaming her please? It's downright cruel.

It is very often because of an OW, nearly every time I've heard of men doing this (and I'm sure women too though I've not experienced that) there has turned out to be another woman. it may or may not be in this case and the OP can cross that bridge when she comes to it.

Yes we've only heard garlic's side and not his, but she is the one here asking for support, not him. So surely you either give her that support or choose not to post. The undertone of 'I feel sorry for him you're probably a shit wife' is just unnecessarily nasty.

Spandexpants007 · 26/04/2016 20:31

Can you do some nice walks?

Snoringlittlemonkey · 26/04/2016 20:32

I agree that there are two sides to this. If Garlic has been disrespected then from his side i wonder how does he feel at not being listened to or involved in decision making within the relationship. Why aren't his points just as legitimate as Garlic's?

People keep saying he should have spoken up - maybe he tried but it didn't get through. If the first instinct is to leave without actually having a proper conversation then communication is at rock bottom and probably has been for a long time. There are loads of women who post on here about walking round on egg shells around their partners, they don't get flamed for not speaking up. He may have been wanting to but feeling shit because he was suppose to feel excited about ttc but didn't. People make mistakes.

I think if you both decide you want to try and work at it then you need to work on your communication with a marriage counsellor.

Hillfarmer · 26/04/2016 20:42

I don't think your H is being honest with you OP. This: 'told him that I was ready to fight for our marriage, because I wasnt wanting to give up. But he needed to decide if that's what he wants

He doesn't need weeks to decide this. He has already decided, having talked to his 'friend'. He just does not want to tell you the truth. He doesn't need any more time - he is way ahead of you already on this... what was going through his head for the last week when he was distant, not supportive and not there for you? He was going through his options and deciding he wants something else. I am sure he has made his decision and is stringing you along because he is a coward and does not want to be confronted with his callous treatment of you. Next time he contacts you, ask him how long he wants - tell him you need a deadline. Oh, and tell him to move out of the flat while he's 'thinking.'

NNalreadyinuse · 26/04/2016 20:44

I don't feel sorry for him either. I doubt very much that he was a reluctant to get married/ttc - far more likely that he has changed his mind and is rewriting history so that he doesn't have to acknowledge to himself that he is the kind of man who does this. Far better for him to think of homself as a nice guy, pushed into something.

Imo even if all his bs was true and he ttc a child when he didn't really want to, then he is a stupid twat who deserves the criticism. I don't believe that though and think he is talking bollocks.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 26/04/2016 20:52

To answer Abecedaro's point about just providing supportive posts, I personally think it's useful to get a range of views not just complete agreement. Garlic has already said she's not going to rush into divorce despite the overwhelming calls for her to get a solicitor sorted, she herself said it was good to get a range of options to consider. That's the beauty of MN people come here for a variety of viewpoints. Then the poster takes what they want to and decides what to do.

I always like AnyFucker's posts - straight to the point no messing. I don't always agree but she presents a good counter view that cuts through the fawning.