Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 22:01

Im glad your getting through it lost! You deserve happiness xx

Both of us have had tests. The results are at our next appointment in June. Maybe he's scared, but it can't explain all this.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 26/04/2016 22:23

What kind of a feeble 33 year old man gets steamrollered into marriage with a 25 year old? Damned certain he's rewritten that little bit of history at the very least.

I'm shocked he's made no effort to contact you today to see if you are ok. That is very very cruel & heartless considering he's the one who blew your life up last night.

My ex had many faults, but when we split & I moved out to stay with a friend (mutual decision & fairly amicable, although there was an OW), he called me at least once every day for a while to make sure I was ok, because it was clear I very much wasn't & he still at least cared about me as someone he had loved & shared good times with.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 22:28

I am hurt that he doesn't seem to care. But I'm learning this is what I need to expect from him now. I have a feeling he will not make this easy..

OP posts:
MGC1986 · 26/04/2016 22:44

I don't think he mentally signed up for that when he got married.

I'm sorry but you sign up to support each other when you get married, through whatever life throws at you.

From what OP has said it was him who first wanted to TTC, I don't see how on that basis it can be seen that she pressured him into it, or that she was "on a mission". Likewise, he proposed. He instigated all of this but somehow it's all her fault...?

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/04/2016 22:49

LostsndScared how long has he been seeing the OW?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 22:54

Well let's try this whole sleep thing again. I made it through a day. Let's see what tomorrow will bring.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 26/04/2016 22:57

Garlic there will be another woman. The reason your previously kind and thoughtful loving man has changed and gone cold is because he no longer feels himself to be in love with you . Having his head turned by another has made him question everything he felt for you. He will be confused but as long as she is in the picture and he believes himself to be in love with her, then you won't see the man you once knew.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2016 22:58

He's 33?!?!? Oh FFS, I thought he was like 24 or something!

Sounds like perhaps he got 'carried away' with the thought of 'little babies and white picket fences' he saw all his friends having and thought he'd quite like the same. Then, possibly, somewhere down the road he decided 'no, thanks' but neglected to tell you about it. As I've said before, what a coward.

Funko · 26/04/2016 23:00

Good night op. Do what you gotta do op. But whatever happens. Don't diminish yourself. Don't bend yourself to try and be whatever he wants you to be. Don't try and change to make him happy. You are you and will always be you. Not everyone is right for each other and that is ok too. No matter how great things were, things and people change. Just be true to YOURSELF whether it hurts or not. You will always be you. Don't blame yourself and don't bend. And don't do the pick me dance as ultimately you will hate yourself for it. I think you are doing the right thing by currently not doing anything. Just be. Be upset. Be numb. Be angry. Be everything you need to be because that is healthy, that is ok. Just ... Be dignified as that is what you will measure yourself by days, weeks, months and years down the line. I hope you get a good nights sleep sweety x Lots of thoughts here with you tonight.

TrixieBernadette · 26/04/2016 23:06

Hope you get some sleep garlic.

adding my voiceto the there may not be another woman camp. There wasnt in my case. He was just an immature twat. At nearly 30. So its not always someone else, it could be, but could not be.

take one day at a time.

123fushia · 26/04/2016 23:17

Watching your post with concerned interest garlic. I have been taken in by a few 'kind and caring men' and have eventually learned to look after myself better than they treated me. Take your time and be gentle on yourself.

LadyStoicIsBack · 26/04/2016 23:46

Hi Garlic

I am earth shatteringly tired but wanted to check in on how you were doing - bloody brilliantly by the sounds of itFlowers and also to check you already know about 'Gaslighting' as it is pretty clear that this has already started (his suddenly re-writing history etc) and I just want you to be as prepared for all and any eventualities as you possibly can.

There are other useful links as well, almost all of which (as well as so many of us) will tell you that that sudden emotional distancing and, to put it bluntly, suddenly giving not one flying shit about you, are pretty classic indications of an affair. I'm sorry but that is the reality behind that behaviour 99% of the time. I've seen it unfold on here a thousand times; I've seen it in RL; and I've been through it too - with THE most 'perfect' 'D'H you could ever imagine.

NOBODY could believe it when we split up, let alone the fact he had cheated yet the reality is it does actually seem to be the ones we are certain haven't/wouldn't do the OW cliché that are, in fact, the ones most likely to do it. Worse, the meeting with the 'friend' - whilst simultaneously his WIFE was going out of her mind - is beyond implausible (& even if it did, in the very unlikely event, transpire to be the truth, then even 'just' that is shitty beyond description and not REMOTELY the act of someone who gives a toss).

And there is nothing - NOTHING - you have written that is remotely indicative of a man who either loves you or wants this marriage; quite the reverse. I don't mean that harshly, am just being honest based on all you have written and all he has & hasn't done in terms of fighting for the love of his life here Sad

On the positive side, you are incredibly young; doubtless uber attractive; you sound like a truly lovely and loyal person; and one day you will get all you justly deserve, something you most definitely are not getting from this 'man'. Flowers

LucieLucie · 27/04/2016 00:25

You're doing really well garlic
Look after yourself and let your Mum help.
He is not your priority any more, he's way ahead of you in processing all of this. Flowers Chocolate

Atenco · 27/04/2016 01:19

Another one here thinking that if it were true that he felt forced to marry and try for children (which I seriously doubt), it shows him up as one of life's cowards. Why would anyone marry just to avoid an argument?

ToTheMoonAndBack78 · 27/04/2016 02:18

Stay strong sweetie. You are stronger than you know. No one deserve's to be treated like this xx Flowers

mummaAJL · 27/04/2016 02:46

I can't believe he hasn't text you, even to just say "I'm sorry things worked out like this" etc.

Ebony69 · 27/04/2016 04:31

I agree that it's deplorable and cowardly of him to rewrite history in order to justify his decision . However, painful as it is , he does have the right to end the relationship if he's not happy. It must be easier to detach himself without the ties of children. I'm not sure that demonising him helps.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 27/04/2016 05:19

Although you don't want to believe that it is the case, imo it's a given that there is an ow

You know the ops husband? If not then you can't say 'it is a given'.

My first marriage ended similarly to OP. There was no 'OW'.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 27/04/2016 06:17

I had a wonderful sleep last night, thanks everyone.

I'm planning today to hopefully get my room back in order. When I moved out to be with him 4.5 years ago, my parents changed this room into a guest room but there's a lot of their stuff, and no where to store mine now I'm back! I will also have a proper sit down with my mum, maybe go for lunch, and I'll need to tell her how serious this is. I held off saying anything yesterday, because I don't think it will have sunk in. But they need to know this is a very likely possibility that I will be back in with them, and my 1.5 year marriage is over. they need to be prepared to help me through THAT, and not trying to convince me to work for something he is not prepared to do.

I've started the process of telling people. I met with my friend last night, and even I surprised myself with how calm I was. I'm starting to get angry, but I no longer see this as the end of my world. I will get through this, and I think it will be pretty bloody amazing when I do get through this.

OP posts:
lostandsoscared · 27/04/2016 06:38

No OW as far as I know always.

We were engaged too. For 7 years. He told me he proposed because he thought it would make me happy. And didn't understand why I was devastated by this.

Hope you're ok garlic. Thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 27/04/2016 06:58

And there is nothing - NOTHING - you have written that is remotely indicative of a man who either loves you or wants this marriage; quite the reverse. I don't mean that harshly, am just being honest based on all you have written and all he has & hasn't done in terms of fighting for the love of his life here

Couldn't agree with this more. It's hard for others to see this, I can't expect my parents and friends to believe this is over as they didn't see how he spoke to me. I need them to trust me on this. I showed his texts to my friend last night, the ones we were sending each other the night this all happened. And she seen it then, but still couldn't believe this was the same person.

I don't even think I posted the text messages up here already..

ME: I would like the dog to come with me.

HIM: thats fine you can have the dog for now but we will have to agree something so that he can spend some time with me also. hes also my dog too (i see this as he has already been thinking long term separation plans)

ME: Yes thats fine. is this you made up your mind 100%. is this what you want?

HIM: i didnt really talk you u much about the situation to be honest. as i said i suggested a break for a couple weeks and see where that leaves us, i wasnt sure if u agreed to that or not, we only spoke ffor around 5 mins

ME: i dont know what to say H. Im ready to fight for our marriage, but it seems lik you're not. i dont know what to think now, you feel forced into everything. so I'm leaving this decision solely to you. you make the decision, then in another years time this isnt something ive forced you into.

HIM: then in which case in gonna need some time to think things through

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 27/04/2016 07:00

Thinking of you too lost, our situations are quite similar. We will get through it! x

OP posts:
WellErrr · 27/04/2016 07:02

Glad to see you're feeling stronger Flowers

Your last post has your dogs name in it, don't know if you want to report it?

Cocoabutton · 27/04/2016 07:03

I hope your parents are supportive Flowers. I think whatever happens, you have seen a side of your OH which would be very hard to reconcile with the loving husband you described and wish for. Be gentle on yourself and take care.

I was thinking about you this morning. You are only 25, you have your whole life mostly ahead of you. Focus a bit on yourself and making sure you are okay, whatever that looks like.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 27/04/2016 07:04

I just wish I could speak to his family, so I know where the situation is. If he has told them, then he's set in his mind. I would love to know what he's told them!

I won't. I won't get involved yet. Hopefully one of them will reach out to me, as long as they don't assume I'm 100% to blame.

OP posts: