I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP. As far as I recall with divorce, first you have a meeting to decide what you want eg separation or divorce. I think but unsure you need reasons for a straightforward Divorce, in your case unreasonable behaviour or an affair.

You need to work out what assets belong to you jointly eg flat and if it is to be sold etc. he could buy you or out you him. Or sell the property. Pensions and stuff don't count here as they aren't joint assets. You also need to work out how to split your possessions who gets what.

As far as I know they do not sort out bills and I think they will instruct you re conveyancing department to place property for sale. As far as I recall he has to agree to stuff eg property being sold, so ensure its in both your names etc.

Your solicitor needs to file a divorce petition for permission to end marriage and reasons why marriage should end (eg adultery etc).

If your spouse agrees to the position you get the decree nisi which is a document saying there's no reason you can't get divorced.

Finally 6 weeks after the decree nisi you apply for and receive a decree absolute which states you are legally divorced.

Your solicitor has to talk to his solicitor (so he also has to instruct someone to handle his case) and sometimes if slowness on one or both sides this can slow things down. But a divorce if I recall takes about 5/6 months from start of matter to end provided no problems. You will not need to attend court but I believe these cases are both heard or whatever at the Rough costs if straightforward in SW London are about £1500-£1800 plus VAT. Court fees are about £550.

Always get a Law society registered solicitor and don't go with first one you see, sometimes they give half an hour free advice. With matrimonial they will also speak to you a bit and ask questions. Also don't try to do a DIY divorce or go with a newly qualified solicitor.

There should be no need for any orders for access or finances as you don't share either and don't have children. The dog may be the sticking point but you should be able to agree that yourselves. In your case too they would probably advise against mediation and go for a "clean break".

You can email or ring your solicitor for progress updates throughout the case.

Anything else please ask me. My current firm doesn't deal in divorce but previous one did.

There should be no need for any orders for access or finances

There absolutely is a need!!!

Please seek RL legal advice.

Thank you super, that's been very helpful! Will read in more detail when imready to process it x

*absolutely is a need for a financial order!

I read this differently to many. You both sound young and to be honest, a bit immature. You've had lots of well meaning and heartfelt support on this thread, I would read it all and try and not jump to any decisions.

I am struck by your op in which you describe your dh recent behaviour a un-characteristic...you thought that 24 hours ago. Good luck

Garlic as others have said , this doesn't have to be the end, no matter what evolves. People have affairs and realise that they have made a mistake. People walk out cause they believe they are unhappy then come back. You have both been through a lot so use the next couple of weeks to see how YOU feel.

Garlic as others have said , this doesn't have to be the end, no matter what evolves. People have affairs and realise that they have made a mistake. People walk out cause they believe they are unhappy then come back. You have both been through a lot so use the next couple of weeks to see how YOU feel.

Your solicitor has to talk to his solicitor (so he also has to instruct someone to handle his case)

This is incorrect. He doesn't have to instruct a solicitor he can self represent if he wishes to.

There should be no need for any orders for access or finances as you don't share either and don't have children.

If you are married your finances are joint.

You should always get a financial order! There is absolutely a need to prevent any claims in the future if either of you came into money etc.

You are doing so well OP, just keep on keeping on.
There's an army of us out here rooting for you, all having experienced this behaviour. This has rung through so truly on this thread. We all feel for you and can empathise, because we've been there - am so struck by all these similar stories.
Reading back on these later will empower you. It's all too overwhelming to properly take in just now, but you'll come back to it. This has prompted me to reread my own thread and feel so grateful for all these mumsnetters supporting me in my darkest hour.
It's hard when your parents are viewing it so differently from you. Could you stay with your friend for a few days so you are getting advice and chat along the lines you are thinking?
Sending you strength vibes xxx

Garlic, it did all go down quite quickly last night but I understand if he was trying to get you to agree at being unhappy. Did you have the opportunity to make it clear that wasn't how you felt?

This is all still very early days, best advice I think right now is to leave him alone, don't contact him so as to give him an opportunity to miss you and to realise that he may actually lose you. You should then learn quite quickly how he feels.

If you feel you want him to know exactly how you feel about your marriage then maybe put it in writing.

Just want to echo others who have said that legal advice from a pp is inaccurate on several points (am a lawyer). If it gets to divorce point then go and seek your own RL advice but please don't set too much store by the legal advice given out here. I'm sure everyone means well but it can be ultimately unhelpful. Feel free to pm if you wish :)

Superflyhigh just out of interest, why do you say no to a DIY divorce?

I did one, and we had children together, cost court fees only, best thing I did.

A friend offered to me stay with them, but I'd rather not at this point. My mum is taking really good care of me, even if she doesn't totally understand.

I shouted at him in the conversation that he was making this all out to be my fault. I said something about these are the feelings he has and he's chosen not to be open, so how is that fair on me. Eventually he agreed that he should take some of the blame. Never did he apologise. Never did he care about me.

Hi OP just giving my support. I've been in this situation and it was horrible. My ex wanted to have a break. I felt that he wanted his cake and eat it. In my case there was another woman involved!

I see know wrong in letting him find himself. However he needs setting straight that you will also be taking time to figure things out too. He needs to know that he can't mess you about and he needs to take time to actively improve himself. This includes counselling. If he is not willing then you've got your answer. Please don't let him hold all the cards.

So you didn't actually talk? He told you he was unhappy and you left? That was it?

Tbh that paints a somewhat different picture from the one where he came home and essentially said he wants a separation because he's been unhappy for years.

It sounds to me as if you both lack communication in your relationship and probably always have.

You start TTC and he has some reservations but goes along with the process but for some reason doesn't articulate what he's feeling. Meanwhile you're upset and emotional which culminates in arguments and his distancing himself from you. When you finally decide you need to talk your immediate conclusion is that he's going to leave you. You've already decided that he's going to leave, so as soon as he comes home and tells you that he's unhappy, that he feels that he's rail-roaded into going along with the decisions you've made, instead of having a conversation about how you can move forward you pack a bag and leave.

Tbh I don't think either of you have reacted particularly well here and I think your parents are actually right. This is down to lack of communication in the first instance. He knows you think he wants you to leave, so now he says he wants a few weeks to think, because he knows you've already written off the marriage. leaving was your suggestion after all.

The two of you need to get together and actually have some conversations about what you both want. It may be that this is the end of the marriage, but you're not going to realise that by just refusing to both speak to each other and letting the marriage die its natural death.

If you want to work things out then speak to him. It takes two to make a relationship work. And it takes two to fix the problems which occur in a marriage. But if you simply stick around and wait for him to tell you what he wants you will be back here in six months time because nothing will have been resolved.

Speak to him. Tell him you need to talk. And you both need to talk, and you both need to listen. Don't make your fears of the end of your marriage a self fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps if you think about this as thinking time for you as well, it might feel better than waiting to see what he wants to do. He has his issues. But do you have any? For instance, do you want to be with someone who is able to doubt he wants you? Do you want a man that is not totally wholehearted about you, your marriage, your future family? A man who takes for granted he can say all this to you and you'll still be interested in being with him? Maybe a little break from each other will help to clarify things for both of you.

The thought of impending parenthood can stress people out and perhaps this is what has happened here, and it sounds as though ttc is also very stressful and has taken its toll on you both. Perhaps it feels to him like an indicator of times to come. The thing is, though, instead of talking to you throughout in an honest way about the relationship etc, he's kept quiet and pretended everything is ok with him when clearly it's not. Do you know what was different a week ago when he suddenly became cold and distant? What happened just before that? Because the fact he can just turn like that, from a nice, warm, loving man for two years, to a cold-shouldering rather uncaring person for a whole week, would worry me for the future.

He doesn't seem like particularly good husband material now he's shown this side of himself. A side he has covered up (if what he says about being unhappy for a long time is really true) so well that you have believed him to be happily and willingly married to you.

How on earth were you supposed to know? You couldn't have known. He chose not to share this with you until now. So you couldn't have seen it coming and clearly didn't. Either he didn't want you to know he was unhappy and went to some lengths to hide it. Or it isn't true, and there is something else to it on his side.

We did talk. I'm sorry I'm so vague about it because I can remember snapshots of what he said, and how he said it. But it was such a blur.

He talked about how unhappy he was, and how he had been for a long time. I asked him if it was I who made him unhappy. He told me that it was. He said about how he felt like he was pressured into getting married and having a baby. He discussed how he made no decisions. He told me that he didn't want this, he didn't think he was ready and he was forced into it. He said he feels like he gets no say in anything in our marriage. He was angry, sounded accusing of me. He said something about how there was a small part of him to blame. I raised my voice, I asked him how this was my fault, how was I to blame when I didn't know he felt like this? I asked him where this was going to go from here. He was trying to get me to agree with him, saying that I must have known and that I must be unhappy too. I told him that I hadn't thought there was anything serious the matter until last week when he just stopped talking to me. He asked me what we should do, and I repeated what he said about feeling like he didn't want to get married. How could we stay married if he doesn't want to be? I told him that he is the one that is unhappy so he needs to decide what to do. I later said this in text, so he knows that he isn't forced into any decision, like he has felt in the past. I told him that I wasn't giving up my home, that this is my flat too, and he agreed, said he didn't expect me to. I told him that I would go for that night. And he never said anything else, so I got up and got my things together, said goodbye to my dog, and left.

I was in contact with him that night to say that he needs to figure out what is making him unhappy, and to decide where I fit into it. I asked him if he was 100% sure on this, he said he wants a few weeks. I told him that I was going to come back today to get our dog, and he said that it's fine, but he must be able to see him too.

And that's been it. There's been no contact between us today.

I also texted him last night and told him that I was ready to fight for our marriage, because I wasnt wanting to give up. But he needed to decide if that's what he wants

Our communication together hasn't been great. But I feel that it's not through lack of trying.
We decided to start ttc, he seen his friends with their babies and he said he was ready to have his own. We postponed til after a holiday we had booked, incidentally it was our late honeymoon, and then it was just it. We were trying.

When we realised we were having difficulties, I tried my best, but he found the communicating about it put a lot of pressure on him. So we didn't discuss it as much as I would have liked to. When we started to go to the doctors for tests, he was there for me. I couldn't have forseen this!

I'm no expert and I will probably say lots of wrong things here - but this is what I wish I'd done when this happened to me a year and a half ago. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My 'DH' swore for a year that no-one else had been involved in our split - but it turns out there was an OW. I know you don't want to believe that (I didn't). I'm assuming here you'd like to make this work if you can (and I don't think there is anything wrong with that).

So - assume there is another woman involved. He's been getting emotionally close to her, has seen glimpses of an exciting easier future with her and is torn. But it's a hard decision to make.
His lack of interest in fighting for your marriage suggests that he has another option in the wings.
So even though he says its over, he hasn't really made up his mind yet, but he's on the way.

Could you try to have an unemotional conversation with him (I didn't manage this when my world had been ripped apart but try). Ask him outright if there is an OW. And again, and again until he admits it. You need to know the full facts. Ask what she is giving him that he doesn't feel you are. I suspect there will be nothing here that you couldn't do. And he's focussing on the bad things to justify his decision, which is unfair when you had many good things too. He has been investing his time and energy in her - he owes you and your marriage a period to see if you can work things out and invest that time and energy in you. And if you can't work it out as a couple you will part knowing you tried. And smile at him and show him how much you care but be strong and look great (he's making a choice you or her - make it a hard choice). But tell him this is his one chance to be honest with you and open a dialogue.

I know I will get flamed for suggesting this - but if this fails, you've got ages to take control, get strong, move on etc. - all the excellent advice above. I don't think you've got anything to lose. Good luck.

I'm determined to not make the first contact again. I broke that last night. But I gave him this time to think, so if he needs to discuss things with me, then he needs to approach me. I am giving him time to think, I can't have me pestering him and then he'll turn that around and say he's feeling pressured.

I think that a lot was said between the two of you but that you haven't had the time or 'headspace' to really process it yet.

I agree with not contacting him any further. Take the time for YOU to process what was said and what it means to you, to your future. Give a realization to the fact that if he does decide he no longer wants to be married that you'll need to be able to accept that. You cannot fight for what someone else has already given up on. I'm not saying he has, just that you need to consider the possibility.

Don't let him push blame on you or make you think or believe that you should have had thoughts or feelings that you don't. If he's been unhappy, that's down to him. It doesn't follow that you should have been unhappy too, or are to blame for his unhappiness. We are, after all, captains of our own ships and responsible for our own happiness and our own decisions. You didn't grab him by the balls, put a shotgun to his head and drag him down the aisle or to bed to TTC. If he didn't have the cojones to talk to you then you are not to blame for that now!!!

Ask him outright if there is an OW. And again, and again until he admits it.

You don't know there is an OW! Asking him again and again and again when there is no proof there is anyone else is at least unhelpful.

Just because someone is unhappy it doesn't equal affair!

Cassa. .that sounds very much like the Pick Me Dance.

Very bad idea if you want to hang onto any shreds of self refspect at all

You may have done and said things that he didn't like or that made him unhappy. He may have felt pressured at times. We all do. But he didn't tell you, didn't explain his feelings and didn't give you chance to work on or fix anything. That possibly made me the angriest of all with my ex, that after all those years and everything we'd meant to each other he didn't even give me the courtesy of a conversation or the chance to fix what apparently was wrong. I later realised it was because I couldn't have, because he actually wasn't that unhappy but that he either didn't want the responsibility of it all suddenly (I told him that he still thought he was going to be a rockstar or footballer or astronaut and he agreed) and because he was flattered by someone younger and seemingly more exciting and couldn't keep his dick to himself. I wasn't blameless, I'm sure I did lots of things wrong, but in my mind the response to that is to talk to your partner, not just proceed with wedding plans/ttc etc and then grandly announce out of nowhere it's all over.

You don't need to make any decisions right now. It's been a day. I understand the impulse to proceed as if it's over, because you're protecting yourself, but I also understand that you still want to hope. Both are fine right now, it may be that in the end you need to push him for a decision or make the decision for him (I had to, in the end, after a few disappearances and 'I just don't know's, he did know, he was just a coward who wanted me to be the one to say it. ) He may well realise it's been a terrible mistake. He might be a lying cheat. The uncertainty is horrible, and the urge to put an end to it one way or another is strong, but youre not going to be ready to jump immediately. Give yourself time.

And don't worry about what other people believe or think is going on. I had plenty of people tell me there must have been signs I'd missed, or it must have been something else. There weren't and it wasn't.