I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Sorry to read these updates. What I'm about to say by no means is meant to imply that you are in any way to blame for any of this. Your H is a grown man who is fully responsible for his actions, and while I do believe that sometimes it's easy to get swept along with situations such as TTC and marriage etc, there are better ways to have articulated those thoughts if that really was the case.

But in yesterday's original posts and even the thread title, you were utterly convinced that he was about to end the relationship after just a week of being cold and distant. Even though you were right, the thought process which has led to that is unusual. We all go through periods of insecurity in relationships, but it's not usual to assume that a marriage which you said was a happy and loving one just a week ago was going to end because of a short period of emotional distance. Looking back, is it possible that you've been feeling insecure about your relationship for a while now and this has merely been the tipping point? Thinking about it may be useful when it comes to talking about where you go from here. He will almost certainly use the fact that you asked if he was going to leave you as some kind of proof that you knew something was amiss. Perhaps you should think about that so that you can articulate to him exactly what it was he did (or didn't) do which has built up to this.

Whether there is someone else or not is kind of irrelevant really. I would imagine there almost certainly is, especially given the fact he was going to see his "friend" first, I would guess that he went to see an OW. But I wouldn't be leaving the control up to him at this point. I would call his bluff, take on board what he's said, i.e. That he's not happy and never wanted to be married, and then I would tell him that you've been to see a solicitor wrt filing for divorce, make an appointment for an estate agent to come and view the flat so you can get it valued with a potential to selling it. If not wanting to be married was what he wanted then give him not being married.

Taking a few weeks out is a cop out on his part. He wants to go and live the single life for a bit, or test the waters with someone else. It may be that she's told him she won't get involved with a married man, so he's now in a position to tell her he's left his wife.

Don't give him that. Just because he says he got swept along doesn't mean that you need to give him full control now.

I think that you need to decide only what you want to do (if you haven't all ready).

Sorry to be blunt but fuck what he thinks, about you or about the situation. He's already shown that he's all too willing to foist blame on you so I expect he'll find a way to blame you for ending the marriage even if he is the one to actually say the words "I want a divorce".

You take care of you. He can sink or swim all by himself.

So sorry to hear this GB, I totally agree with Wannabe, sounds like he wants to have a taste of single life and have you waiting in the wings.

This situation makes me so mad, he was TTC, potentially bringing a human being into the world but didn't really want to! What a spineless prick.

Why are (some) men just so shit about talking about things properly.

I think you are being so incredibly strong in this shit situation, sending you virtual strength and good wishes over the interweb.

I just feel like I can't be the one to end a one and a half year marriage. I need him to say it's over because he's the one who wants it to be. I want it to be over because he does. Otherwise I'd be fighting tooth and nail to work it out.
I don't think I can be the one responsible for just giving up completely.

Sorry to read the update
I hope happiness is around the next corner

If this is the end of your marriage, then it won't be you that has ended it will it? It will be him? You didn't give up on it, he did!

Who on this fine earth would think you have pulled the rug from under your relationshionship. The only person who has destroyed anything is your H.

Do you feel other people would see it another way? Please don't take on any of the 'fault' of this.

I don't think I can be the one responsible for just giving up completely. I don't see how that can be true of you, given the situation. Honestly OP, you are hurt and grieving - no-one will think you are 'giving up.'

As awful as it sounds OP, you will probably have to drive this break up in the same way he says you have effectively driven the marriage and ttc. I think it's better you do that than let it linger on indefinitely. He will not want to give a defined answer and implicate himself as the one who ended it for good any more that you do - but I think the only thing you have now is control of how you go forward - and you do need to go forward. It effectively said it was over when he went to see his 'friend' before he came home to you.

For how sudden this is, I expect people think it's an argument if sorts. My parents don't seem to understand this is long term with me staying with them, but I can't see going home. Even when I was crying last night about it being over, they were convincing me that all married couples go through this. My mum was suggesting a couples weekend away to see if that helps. If I go about looking into divorce, my parents will think I'm being totally over the top. I'm doubting myself because of this. It's why I'm still holding onto a shadow of hope.

I know others can't believe this timescale, and think I should have seen this coming. I don't know what triggered it with me when I made this thread, but I couldn't expect this. Not from my supposed loving and caring husband.

What do you mean people think that you should have seen this coming?

It doesn't matter what your parents think. You are an adult. They don't get to tell you what to do, think or feel.

Garlic you are doing so well. I've been in your position and it is shit. I've never really had an explanation as to why my STBxh had an affair and left us.

There is no rush. I'm four years separated and just starting the divorce process. I wanted to wait until I was mentally and emotionally strong. I'm now dating a lovely man I met online. There is a future. Just slightly different to what you thought. But it will be better as you will not be with a weak man. X

I think h wants to wait a few weeks to see if he wants to try to fix it.
Would a solicitor sort all the stuff out with the flat, and bills and things? I'm not even bothered about getting things finalised with a divorce, but I don't know how everything will work out?

garlic I think you should just hold your horses. No body in this thread knows the real situation between you and your Dh. This is your marrage. It's easy to give advice out on line about driving a break up when it doesn't really effect you.

It shit when your Dh or dp doesn't want to be around you and your left wondering WTF had happened - but it does happen. It might be your fault, it might not be. There might be some one else, there mght not be. Only time will tell. Not every one - man or woman that needs time out is screwing some one else.

I know how desperate you must feel right now but I think you just need to take a step back instead of pushing for a definite end it a divorce. Give him space, give your self space and try and spend time with people that will support you.

It's been one day. Just chilling out and waiting to see what unfolds does not mean your hanging about for him to decide what to do. As that decision is something you both have to agree/work on. It just means that your giving your marrage a chance to recover - if it can.

Take care love, people come through a lot worse than this.

If I were you OP can you go and stay with a friend (preferably somewhere nice and scenic for the next few days), maybe history stuff castles etc to look at whilst you're there... A break is always excellent as you're away from the person who caused you this pain but also from well meaning people who find out and just want to "find out how you are". You can tell them that in your own time.

Perfectly normal to be up and down and crying and not crying. If need be if you share money then move it but you said savings were separate.

I believe you when you say others can't believe the timescale (eg you've been married for not even 2 years yet what was wrong) and your parents thinking its a blip and you reverting to 1950s housewife with his tea on the table (that was a joke!)

Only you and he know how you feel and how it will pan out, you can arrange to meet to thrash out the finer details or use a solicitor but it's pointless others sticking their noses in however well intentioned because you both know how it will go eventually.

If you can bear it read the "script" it's amazingly spot on and insightful but it may be too raw for you to cope with now. If he has cheated with an OW though and you can bet your life in your scenario sadly he has then boom there's your divorce card right there, adultery. You can even name her if you can find out her name as a correspondent in the papers but this is very rare these days and I've only seen it once during working for a lawyers.

For now really you need TLC and to come terms with this, then handholding and action. Your work have been incredibly supportive.

Take it easy again, and don't forget the power of dog cuddles. big hug

I barely ever rowed with my husband. We had maybe one big barny a year? We had one at the end of the June, I vocalised feeling like I was walking on eggshells the next day and doing everything, and he left. No warning. Nothing. Came back two days later, having spent the time with his friends and family drinking and said he was leaving for good. That was it. Everyone was shocked. Me included. Took a lot of counselling. There was no one else, he was just being immature and decided he wasn't ready for marriage and kids (after four years of it and two children!!)

Seven years on, and my life is amazing. It took a long time, but I have a great career, home, partner. I spent a huge chuck of my twenties alone and finding myself. But it helped.

Another friend of mine had her partner do the same thing. Six months later he moved back. Six years on they're getting married, solid as anything.

So this might be the end. It might not. As long as you are safe and sheltered, take time X

I barely ever rowed with my husband. We had maybe one big barny a year? We had one at the end of the June, I vocalised feeling like I was walking on eggshells the next day and doing everything, and he left. No warning. Nothing. Came back two days later, having spent the time with his friends and family drinking and said he was leaving for good. That was it. Everyone was shocked. Me included. Took a lot of counselling. There was no one else, he was just being immature and decided he wasn't ready for marriage and kids (after four years of it and two children!!)

Seven years on, and my life is amazing. It took a long time, but I have a great career, home, partner. I spent a huge chuck of my twenties alone and finding myself. But it helped.

Another friend of mine had her partner do the same thing. Six months later he moved back. Six years on they're getting married, solid as anything.

So this might be the end. It might not. As long as you are safe and sheltered, take time X

Clouds how funny so you think the OP should just let her DH dictate the script to her and treat her like shit and after they've just started fertility treatment (or about to) and TTC.

I know damned well if this was me he would not see me for dust. There'd be no explanations, no sorry, no nothing. Maybe if kids were involved I'd think twice but this man has behaved appallingly towards her throughout this episode.

Thanks.
I think I was taking on some advice there and was all ready to go bull bozing ahead. While in some scenarios it might have been sound advice, I don't think it suits me. But thanks to all posting. It's giving me such a variety of options which I appreciate.

Garlic, has he said he wants to wait a few weeks? How was he when you grabbed your bag and left?

All you can do at this stage is whatever feels right for you.

He told me in a text that he wants to have a few weeks to think about things.
When I was gathering my things he didn't say anything. Looked like he had already given up.

super I don't think it's funny at all. You also don't know he is reading from 'the script'. This isn't about you this is about the op. what you would do in theory is no help to op at all, who is actually living it.

Clouds perspective is as relevant as any one else giving the OP advice. Although the OP has reached out to us for support, we do not know the ins and outs of their relationship and there are two sides to this. With respect, we don't know what is going on with her DH. I appreciate many pp's have previous experience of this 'behaviour' but we are all very complex as individuals and in our relationships with each other.

I had texted him first asking what the next step was when he said about taking a few weeks. He blamed me and said that basically he hadn't discussed it with me during our 5 min convo before I left. But what did he expect? He was trying to get me to agree with the issues he thinks we have, trying to get me to say that I wasn't happy too. But aweek ago I was happy with him, and all ofasudden he completely changed. I left at that point because I thought he had said all he had to say. It all seemed very black and white, and he never asked me not to go.

garlic what happens in the next few days will tell you how he is really feeling. I've left Dh and he has left me. I said disgusting things to Dh when I went and when he went he said hardly anything. It's the next few days/weeks that will come that will show you what's going on. Don't do anything that's a knee jerk reaction.

I'm honestly not saying to be a pushover if he want to try again. That's for you to decide if that comes about.

Thank you clouds. It's another option. And I'm keeping my options open.

So far he hasn't contacted me first. I've not contacted him today.