I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Oh Garlic if only I had the amazing strength of character you are showing. You are coping far better than I did (do). I agree re the dog. Mine has been a massive reason for getting on with life. Take a walk, a long walk, each day... Many to you.

I think I've got anything of importance. I think.

I think I'm doing utter shit. I'm doing OK one minute and then the next I think I'm going to burst.

Completely understandable! As I said before it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions, just do whatever feels right at the time. Hugs.

Just a note of support garlic not only can you do this, you ARE doing it, right now. You're surviving and getting-shit-done.

Please be kind to yourself, don't expect to be fine with this right now, it's a big blow - but you will be ok.

And I can't agree enough with everyone who has gone before who has said that it's unfair of him to pull the victim card, he's a grown up, he needs to take responsibility for himself - all you have done is want a good, adult relationship - and there's nothing wrong with that xx

Reading this thread has made me marvel at all of the incredibly strong women out there, fighting to make the best lives possible for themselves and their families after being treated so badly by so many shitbag men. Garlic, when you're feeling at your lowest ebb, please look again at the stories posted above to show that things will get better.

It's clear that you're strong and secure enough to know that the blame for this doesn't lie with you. As a PP said, this sounds very much like a man looking to rewrite history for whatever reason.

Unfortunately this is a classic part of the script. It gives him permission to 'find his own happiness' (cheat) in order to get away from you, the oppressor. If he says this to you again, please don't get drawn in to defending yourself and how you didn't force him into marriage, it puts you on the back foot. I would just say "that simply isn't true and you know it".

Just this. Don't let him blame you for this, Garlic. [Flowers}

Garlic I know that all of this has been a massive shock for you. But I do think that leaving it as your husband's decision is going to really mess with your head. It is giving him all of the control and leaving you floundering in limbo until he decides (or decides to tell you) whether or not you are worthy of his love. I think it will be much better for your head (and ultimately heart) if you start to take that control from him and tell yourself that the decision is yours too. Is it a case of him saying it was a mistake and you running back into his arms?

You can be thinking about what YOU really want? Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of hurting you so badly and in such a cold fashion? If you do get together again do you want to be always wondering if you are giving him enough space... if he is being honest about his feelings... if he is thinking about leaving you again? What are YOUR conditions for getting back together - counselling? Living apart for a while? Babies? If children were so important to you that you were putting yourself through physical and emotional hell to conceive - has that really changed? I know that you don't neccessarily know the answers to these questions yet, but I wanted to point out that your future is not in HIS hands and at the whim of HIS decisions. YOU have power here too.

You sound like such a lovely person. All the way through this thread I've felt like I was far away from a friend who needed a (unmumsnetty) hug. Be strong.

Thanks for The Script Expellibramus
I couldn't finish reading it in one sitting, but yes...

I've made this his decision so he doesn't twist it to say that I've forced him into things again. He needs to know what he wants firstly, but for how this whole thing has panned out and the hurtful things he's said to me I don't think we could be back together. I know what his decision will be, and if I'm wrong then I will cross that bridge when it comes. I love him but I don't love who he is right now.

You have had a huge shock and should be all over the place. Many have said that what you are going through is like a bereavement because, at the very least, the person you thought you were married to does not exist, and you have the right to mourn. You are doing brilliantly, far better than I did, and you should be so very proud of yourself. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things regarding the practical stuff so now you need to look after yourself and love your dog. Virtual hugs coming your way.

PS Mine announced after 12 years of marriage that he had never loved me and we had only got married because there would have been a huge row if he had called it off!!! It's sad that they are so predictable and that The Script is the same after all those years. I'm just sorry there was nowhere like MN to help me through it. He's now onto wife No 4 and I'm happy being me

I was thinking today that it honestly felt like my husband had died.

I've been given the rest of the week off work and I'm in two minds about it. Im going to have nothing to take my mind off things. But if I went to work I have no idea how I would cope.

Take the time off to allow yourself the time to adjust to the new situation. Get yourself out and about with your pooch so you aren't sat inside dwelling on the pain.

Hi garlic,

You may not think so but you are doing well. You have achieved a few things like going back and getting important belongings, plus dog! And you have removed yourself from the flat and staying with people who love you. Don't feel pathetic, you are allowed to hole up for a while. This is grief. When you're not crying or going over and over everything, you're probably staring into space. This is grief and loss and you can't do anything much apart from keep on keeping on. It is a process and you just have to go through it. (There's that concept about the five stages of grief...after the first feeling of shock and loss comes Anger I think...but it may be a while before you can even think about that while you are beset by wondering 'How could he?' most of the time). Of course your world is turned upside down by this. Everything you have ever held to be true has been shaken and you must be wondering about your own ability to judge anything. Decision-making about even tiny things (what kind of milk shall I buy?) becomes difficult, because you're not sure whether to trust yourself any more. This will come back, but you have taken a huge knock.

Keep remembering that it's not you it's HIM. And that you have done nothing to deserve being treated in this way. He has treated you appallingly. Don't forget that. How dare he?

Meanwhile, you also have to adopt a strategy for dealing with him, and by far the most recommended on here (years of lurking and absorbing here!) is to maintain a dignified distance. Don't immediately respond to texts or him wanting urgently 'to talk'. Always say, 'I'll think about it and let you know' rather than committing yourself to an instant decision that you might later regret. Make sure you do things to suit YOU. If he wants to meet, even take a friend and made it a place of your choosing, a cafe somewhere - public, not back at your flat. Make an appointment with a solicitor while you are off work. It would help to see where you stand legally and what sort of timescale you are looking at. Don't get dragged into his mealy-mouthed arguments about the wedding etc. Like PPs have said, you didn't force him to get married or TTC, it's just not true and he is retro-fitting his version of events to justify his utterly cuntish behviour now. He might believe his own lies, but no-one else will.

Good luck. Put yourself first.

I'm so glad you have your mums support and Please take the time off...I didn't and I ended up burning myself out xx

My ex of 4.5 years (who I'd known for 18 years) finished with me with a letter. He wouldn't even face me, until I went to his work to essentially corner him. When I asked him why he was saying he loved me not two days before dropping me a note smashing my world and all my beliefs to pieces he said "it's just what you say isn't it". My world caved in, that feeling that it had all been a lie.

Six weeks later I met my OH and we've been together a year and half now and very very happy we are too. Now I have this I realise my relationship with my ex was not even comparable - he was almost a bystander and never made any real moves to further our relationship - I've no doubt if we had got married he would have said I'd just carried him a long with me.

All I'll say is he's one man and he's done you a huge favour letting you go at this stage, you have every chance of finding someone amazing now and living the life you are supposed to have. Many many men and women live long term in relationships that they are not really into for whatever reason, he's taken the decision to get out of his, there may be someone else there may not. Either way he he can't show you love anymore, but someone who's better for you will, they are on their way to you. Just consider him a place holder for that amazing man to turn up, twee as it sounds that thought will help you to deal with the wobbles, when the time is right it will happen.

I fear he won't want to talk. I think he's just ready to detatch complete from us and it hurts so much to think he cares so little.

I know I can meet a better man eventually, it's just the big scary unknown just now.

I'm sorry to read your updates garlic of how things have played out over the last few hours. Keep strong and surround yourself with those who have your best interests at heart. I can understand your parents seeing this as a whim, as they too have invested in you both as a unit and they will probably quietly feel equally bewildered by his actions. I hope with time this resolves in the way it needs to for you all.

:-( this makes me so sad. Did he say anything about why he had to meet his friend first. Have you confronted him about the possibility of there being someone else? X *hugs

When we were talking yesterday I brought up how cruel it was for him to go meet him when I was waiting for him. He said that it was about this he felt he had to talk through with his friend. I've not said a about someone else, I don't think it will do me any good knowing if there is.

I'm sorry this has happened, Garlic. I'm certain you deserve none of this and equally sure that he is an utter arse.

Right now this is really shitty, but one day it'll just be one of the bumps that happened on the way to getting you to where you are supposed to be.

Sounds like either your DH is pretty mixed up himself garlic or he is lying. Do you know this 'friend'?

tbh, if he needed to speak to his friend first, then he had no need to tell you 'you needed to talk' before that.

I think you are right, do everything as if he was leaving for good. Go and see a sollicitor, organise things for yourself, look at what you could get re accomodation, where you would like to live. Sort all the finances as much as you can. And yes keep the test for Friday. Yu never know it could come handy :(

Only two (well maybe three) things can happen now:

• he says that he is sure he wants to separate and then you are ready and can call the shots.
• he says he wants to stay with you and you tell him that actually, you have thought about it too and you don't want it now that he has shown his true colours
• he says he was to give it another go and you are happy to do so in the full knowledge that you have a backup plan.

I have been in situation 3 and it was a very powerful place to be to know I had the cards in hand. It also made him realise that if I was staying that was a choice but I could also easily decide to leave. It forced him to put his acts together.

You are doing so so well, even if you don't believe that at the moment.

I spent the first few days pacing the floors, shaking at retching into the loo. You've already achieved so much. You absolutely have the strength to get through this, whatever the outcome. I am proud of myself for how I coped with such heartbreak, but I also know there were things I did at that time I wouldn't do again or wish I hadnt. The point is, you have to be kind to yourself. If you have a feeling strong day then use it to get shit together. If you have a 'can't stop crying, don't want to move' day then just go with that too. I would get angry with myself for not being 'over it' yet, but it's a bit like the stages of grief, you do have to go through and feel them all, and that takes time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and, other than contacting him or any majorly self destructive behaviours, just do whatever you feel you need to day by day.

This might be for later on down the line, but I found a book called 'it's called a breakup because it's broken' helped me so much. It's hugely cheesy and American style, but some of the stuff in there is pure gold. Look out for it x

Honestly love?

I think you need to make this decision for him. Sounds like you already have.

Fuck hanging about for him to decide if you're good enough for him. Just tell him that in light of recent events you have decided you no longer want to be with him, and can we be amicable about it etc.

If you know there is someone else would you still wait and leave the decision to him? Allowing him the ego trip of choosing between wife and girlfriend or just keep both?