I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Given that an awful lot of men use the same excuses time and time again as if women should be mind readers to their plight it would appear as though there is some sort of "piss poor excuses" club going on

garlic I'm sending love and strength your way. I'm really sorry it turned out like this.

I've been in that position, total rewriting of history. I dragged him to a counsellor and had to walk out of the session because I couldn't listen to his lies about how unhappy we apparently were when the week before he'd been leaving love notes on the fridge or chasing me to bed. It was cheating in his case, I would have sworn my life on the fact he wouldn't do that. He denied it outright even when I later found evidence (our phone bill for one thing). For all I know he'd still deny it to this day, despite this woman having his kid less than 9 months after our break up.

I think it's sheer cowardice and a refusal to be seen as anything other than the good guy. My ex's whole identity was Mr nice guy and I dont think he could cope with admitting, even to himself, that he was actually capable of such betrayal and hurt. Better to make out like he'd been kept in an unhappy relationship for years, forced to propose against his will and generally was the victim.

I felt like I was going mad. I've never known pain like it other than loosing my mum, and his refusal to admit what had actually happened made it ten times worse. It's spineless and selfish.

I'm not going to lie it took a long time to move on, but I did. I love my life ten times more than I did back then, not something I ever thought possible. I'm with someone new, who makes me very happy, but more importantly I know I have the strength to be on my own which means I'll never settle for shoddy treatment again. He's since said I was the best relationship of his life, well he threw it away pretty cheaply.

You will get through this too, just take it day by day. Lean on your friends as and when you're able to. Get your dog and hold him close. I say that my dog saved my life and I'm only a little bit exaggerating. These two weeks are going to be tough because you'll swing wildly between being convinced it's over to hoping it is all a mistake. Just try to 'be' as much as you can. Treat yourself kindly, try to remember to eat, and if you can't then at least to drink plenty. I got through the first week or so on vodka, maybe don't do this If you continue to struggle with sleeping then ask for help. If you google progressive relaxation glasgow it should take you to a link that does a guided relaxation that focuses on different parts of the body and it has helped me in the past.

I honestly thought I'd die without him. I would take it day by day and every so often think 'well, I'm not dead yet' and that was enough to keep on keeping on. After a time I started to write lists of things I wanted to do, big and small, to research travel destinations I'd fancied etc. It was all part of beginning to realise that there was a future without him and it could be whatever I made it.

You would be quite justified in taking rest of week off work OP but can understand if you feel you can't do that.

However after a 3 year relationship of mine went wrong and I was living with him (thank goodness we hadn't bought a place but were just about to do so) it ended mostly on my side, he was emotionally abusive though and he'd had an affair the one he told me about. What I did was take 2-3 days off work then booked myself on annual leave for a week long summer school in mosaics which I'd always wanted to do, it wasn't residential so I could stay with my mum who I'd gone back home to. I was still very raw but it helped a lot I was doing something but not doing something no one knew me and I could chose who I wanted to talk to or not. Far better than work!

Definitely keep the dog and try to get your ducks in a row re assets, as you say won't be much to fight over and you're lucky no children but you still want to ensure the flat is sold or whatever (you could stay and buy him out or he stay and buy you out or you both sell it).

I've worked in a lawyers where this divorce happens (no kids etc) and its remarkably straightforward... Painful but not tricky. You'd be surprised how many people move forwards after it and then came back to us to buy a new house with new partner and baby on the way! I won't lie we had the occasional client (childless) where sometimes it seemed as if one person was manipulating to get more in the way of property assets etc or sometimes there were petty rows etc, but these were far easier for my boss to deal with than children and contact etc.

I would suggest if you feel up to it soon a short break visiting friends may be good, your mum is great too for now for TLC and just mum stuff, cooking meals etc!

I know exactly how you feel re friends too and not really wanting people to know but these events do happen it's sometimes a sad part of life.

what FearofFlying is saying is hard to do but is doable.

Also with your anxiety depending how you feel you may want a good therapist (CBT?) or and Prozac (I had both this with relationship above as I was in work and I just couldn't stop crying and the therapy helped and the Prozac evened me out so I could cope to go to work). In fact I found the therapy excellent as it was the ideal sounding board! You can get charities who offer reduced rates and therapists undergoing training who are excellent too.

You probably feel numb but after a few days yes spoil yourself, lots of nice dog walks, posh chocolates, new hairdo and some clothes. Plan something lovely for at least one Day of bank holiday weekend.

Take care

Abercadario what a lovely post! So well written!

It's awful to hear the horrible past experiences people have been through, but I do feel a lot less alone. Thank you. I've texted my friend who was my bridesmaid not long ago. She's going to pop along tonight to see me, so I'm sure that'll be another cry fest.

Husband has not asked how I am. I texted him last night about some of the details like me taking the dog and making sure he's thinking everything through, and he replied but didn't ask about me. Selfish twat. I can't say for 100% certainty that this is fully over, but for my sake I'm acting as it is. I'll be thinking as if it's over, but I'm holding off looking into official proceedings until we know for 100%.

I'll see how things are today with my anxiety, but I do feel a lot better with the bright morning ahead of me now.
I have an appointment for a test related to ttc on Friday which I already had postponed due to AF. I'm undecided whether still to go. It's a routine test for Chlamydia, so possibly under the circumstances it might just be worth going along.

Acrossthepond, but that's the point; at the time he almost certainly DID want to marry your cousin. He was happy then, or happyish at least.

Then he decides it's all a bit 'real life' and is open to an affair (which he doesn't admit at the time or ever...'it just happened.').

He cheats for a period of time, declares he is leaving and THEN it 'comes out' he has never been happy, it was all forced on him etc.

I've heard variations on this twice now; once from a fiancé who pretty much bulldozed ME into a serious relationship from the get go but then when he broke it off for OW it transpired I'd forced him into it. Riiiiight.

Then husband (we had three kids) in January this year is found out cheating. He doesn't want to split (not because he was remorseful but because of all sorts of other, self-centred reasons I won't go into) but it transpires I 'bullied' him for years over all sorts of stuff. We worked together and I 'made' him come and get a job working at the same place I was. I didn't follow him to his place of work, he followed me, but I 'made' him. Truth was, no one else in town would give him a job and so he actively sought one at the place I was working and then actively got a role in the same team as me. Without even consulting me, in fact.

Do you have many mutual friends or friends you have as a couple? Beware he will (if he hasn't already) be telling them the same bullshit about being forced into marriage, ttc etc and more besides (my husband told our friends lies he wouldn't dare say to me).

An important thing I found in my situation was telling people. Get your side out there. There will be more revelations, that is guaranteed. You will still have a truth and honestly bias towards him as it's all so fresh but it's likely he has been lining someone else up. All a bit close to the cheaters script.

I've not got a lot to offer, others have been wonderful but I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely person. Even with all of this going on you're still sympathetic to others....more than can be said about your 'OH'. To him this is all about him is feelings, his wants but not about how you are!

Keep strong, one day at a time.

Xxx

We used to socialise a lot with his friends and their partners. So they will all be on his side, I dont think I'll have much to do with them.
Everyone I have told so far is shocked at how this has turned out. They wouldn't have expected this from him, I worry in case they think there is truth in what he's saying, as it is so out of character.

Abec, indeed a lovely, insightful post. I couldn't agree more with it all.

Something similar happened to me over 10 years ago OP. There was no OW, he just fell out of love with me.

It was devastating at the time but my parents were my rock and helped me hut him out of the house we owned.

It was hard because it has been 'our' house but thank god I listebed to common sense and kept it.

6 years later I gave birth in my little house and I now have two DC abd a a great DH. I sold my house but it's still been my favourite place to live.

My ex has run a lot of debt up under my name and I had a hell of a job getting it sorted and has to get a solicitor involved.

I shuddered when I read your post last night because it was so similar to my experience. You will be OK in time I guarantee it.

Certainly one day at a time. Gotta keep breathing. That's all we can do x

Oh that's so true re not asking how you are. I think it genuinely would not occur to him because he's so wrapped up in himself. Funnily enough I thought to myself only last week, my ex left me and three dc overnight in a half-built house and he never once in three years asked, how are you, how's things, how's the kids, is there anything I can do, not once.

To be honest OP love (and I'm sure you've said this) I don't know how I could get over this behaviour from him.

It's great your friend is Coming over later don't discount a good cry and tea/wine/spirit of choice and sympathy - remember you can pick and choose who to lean on for all that.

You do as newjob and others have said sound like a lovely lovely person so hold that thought.

Thank you sally.
As much as I love the flat I have no ties to the area. Husband has relatives who all like 5 mins walk from it. I'll need a fresh break from it. Glad to hear it all worked out for you in the end.

I feel for you I really do. Your world will feel like it's collapsing right now but once the dust settles things will get better.
You'll come out of this much stronger.
Great that you have your mum and friends to hand.

Certainly going to be looking forward to a gin later on with my friend. Thank you all. Im not perfect but I don't think I'm a bad person. I certainly don't deserve to be treated like this.

You don't have to get angry Garlic, it's not a requirement of coming out of this happy and healthy. What you do have to do is detach from him emotionally. Detach, detach, detach. He is no longer your friend, he will lie to you, I think it's very likely he's met someone else. You need to be able to treat it like a business contract that has gone wrong and needs to be terminated. Get good legal advice, never go for revenge, go for justice.

Be thankful you found out now, he is not the father you want for your children. My exH pulled thus stunt after 24yrs of marriage, he devastated our DC by lying to them about there being no one else. I knew there was, I even guessed who she was. He only admitted it when faced with the evidence a few months later. I was not on MN at that point and did not know about "the script" - I have been shocked to see how this plays out again and again. So many men doing and saying exactly the same thing, rewriting history to justify their actions. So many threads starting like yours and following the same path.

You will survive and thrive after this is over. It will be painful, like ripping off a plaster, but one day you will realise that he doesn't feature in your consciousness at all.

Yesterday I felt he might be exhausted by coping emotionally with everything, but now I just think he's behaved disgracefully. Everything was forced? Give me a break. A grown man. Hugs.

The Mr Nice guy thing is critical. It is in part what killed my husband, in my case.

I found out about his cheating (at our place of work, where I was the boss and he was also very senior...one of the girls was 25 or something). Booted him out, told our boss and other senior colleagues, told his family and all our friends. He was bang to rights of course and only a handful of his more thick mates believed the lies he tried to tell about me. Fact is, he had been cheating on me with a young girl at our place of work where I had built up a career and where I was this girl's (and pretty much everyone else's, bar his) boss. For a year he had been telling people we were having problems and hinting it was my fault. And then his cover is blown. Lots of his friends turned their back as they could see he'd been lying to everyone, including them. People don't like to be fooled.

But some people believed him. His family believed it and your H's folks will too. It's all about denial. Cheater: 'I'm not a liar or cruel; I'm a good guy! She made my life hell!' Cheaters family: 'Well, we have been good parents; we didn't raise a shitty person. Our son/brother/nephew is the victim here!' In my case his family completely ignored that he had been having a sexual affair under my nose for a year and that he had humiliated me daily by waiting for me to go home to our kids before flaunting it in the pub. That our third child was a young baby at the time. That he had been absent for most of the previous year.

After a week of living in a hotel and largely unsuccessfully trying to rally support for himself as a victim he killed himself. His last conversation with me was him saying that thanks to me, people would always gossip about what he had done. It was my fault for not keeping quiet.

My case was extreme (me and my kids are fine by the way; he was a pretty bad person) but my point is that a desire to be seen as a good person is at the heart of the script. Especially in the case of a bloke everyone likes, who has built a bit of an life off the back of being a Nice Guy. He will do anything to keep that image going.

Garlic You're sounding as if you've certainly got your 'get your shit together' head on which is fantastic to read/hear/see. It's okay to have a cry when you need one but your attitude to this is brilliant, you're a stronger woman than I was last time I faced this.

Last time I faced this was about 5 years back, roughly 2 months after purchasing a house with my DP at the time when he all of a sudden started acting exactly the same way your DH has been. He came out with all the same the things, he'd felt forced into things, thought they'd patch the relationship up, he just wasn't 'feeling it anymore' etc - turns out the twatting scumbag was just dipping his wick with someone at work but thought he'd just try and make me feel like I was at fault.

Fast forward 5 years, I'm now married to the most wonderful man who supports me in any way he can; we have two gorgeous furbabies (the actual babies can wait until I've graduated).

Head up, shoulders back. You're doing great right now, and remember deep breaths when you need them (and plentiful swearing under your breath at that cowardly bastard who made you suffer for a week before coming out with it) x

Mornin' OP,

This is the saddest thread I've read since Ophelia Rose and her twins. Why can't adults just own there shitty behaviour? Seems like that would be too easy. I've never been through what you've gone through, but have siblings who this has happened to. Children involved in both cases. Both grown adults now. Still problems 20+ years down the line. Maybe it's a blessing you'll have no attachment to him.

Not that you want revenge against such a weak excuse for a man, but live your life well for you.

*their.

From what you say it sounds as though your H really wasn't committed to you or the marriage. He sounded reluctant to get married, but just got swept along with everything. Consequently his present unhappiness is a manifestation of that lack of commitment.

I'd just continue to do what you are and not hold out any hope he will change his mind.

It's taken the arse 2 years to recognise his real feelings and that's 2 wasted years of your life.