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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 26/04/2016 07:02

I'm so sorry for the hellish pain you're going through, OP. Please remember that his whinging that he was pressured, had no say etc etc is all bollocks. He is a grown man and if he wasn't happy or didn't want to marry or ttc, he should have talked to you sooner. It is so low of him to blame you for his own gutlessness.

A man that weak and cowardly would never make a good husband or father.

fastdaytears · 26/04/2016 07:03

What do you have to do today Garlic? Are you expected in work or anywhere?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:06

Distance is best for now. I love our flat, but it's ours. I couldn't imagine being there alone.
I have no idea how everything will be split. We own the flat, but there's not much equity in it, if at all. He has a loan in his name. Bank accounts are all seperate. He pays for most bills, I pay for car, insurance, TV licence. The gym membership is a joint one. We have our dog, we both want him.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:09

Taking today off work.
My plan is to keep busy. I need to eat and shower.
I'm then going back to the flat to get some stuff to last me maybe a week? And I'm getting my dog. I'm not keeping him from my husband, but I think he will be better off coming with me for just now.

OP posts:
Milzilla · 26/04/2016 07:12

So sorry you're going through this OP. You've been through such a lot already with the ttc.

Keep strong, get your dog, we'll be rooting for you and supporting you all the way xx

n0ne · 26/04/2016 07:13

I didn't want to write sooner OP, as I had the same thing happen to me and it didn't turn out well. My then-DH had been being cold with me for a week or two, not nasty, but just not saying 'I love you' or kissing me goodbye and I could feel something was coming. Then one day he rang me at 3 in the afternoon (I was a student, him working) and said he was coming home. I knew instantly he was going to leave me. But he wouldn't be drawn on the phone, just said he'd tell me when he got home. Queue the longest hour of my life. Then he was there, telling me it was over, that he didn't love me, had been faking it for a year (an entire year!), now lets call everybody and tell them, and divvy up our stuff. We'd been together 7 years. I thought my life had ended, I nearly fainted, I sobbed and begged (this makes me sick to think of now).

Anyway, what literally kept me sane and able to start putting the pieces back together was my friends. They didn't let me be alone for one minute. They let me talk and cry and rant and scream. They told me what a coward he was, how selfish, how I was better than him, would be better off without him. And you know what? It was true. It took many months but I became a better, stronger me.

You WILL be fine, OP, whatever happens. I know you love him, I know you don't understand how you can exist without him, but you were there before him and you'll be there after he's gone. Lean on people now, heavily. They won't mind. Give yourself time to think and grieve and process it. Keep yourself busy. Talk it out. Don't forget to eat!

Very best of luck ThanksThanks

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:17

N0ne, I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I want my friends support but it just feels too soon for everyone to know. I don't have loads of friends, but I will have people there when I need them.
I hope things are in a good place for you now.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/04/2016 07:18

He felt like he was forced into everything, wedding, ttc, and that he wasn't ready. He said he didn't have a say in anything.

Unfortunately this is a classic part of the script. It gives him permission to 'find his own happiness' (cheat) in order to get away from you, the oppressor. If he says this to you again, please don't get drawn in to defending yourself and how you didn't force him into marriage, it puts you on the back foot. I would just say "that simply isn't true and you know it".

The way he has behaved towards you has been cruel, rude and selfish. Look to his actions, he deserves none of your sympathy. Hope you can get through the day okay, have you reached out to friends?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:22

I don't know this person who was saying these things. It's not my husband.

I opened up to a couple people from work, they are good friends, and they knew something was wrong when I left yesterday. I also told my manager so she knew why I needed time off.

I can't face everyone else knowing.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 26/04/2016 07:22

He felt like he was forced into everything, wedding, ttc, and that he wasn't ready. He said he didn't have a say in anything.

They all say this, Garlic!

My ex said, in addition to all the above, that he didn't think he had ever really loved me. While I was clearing stuff out I found the one and only love letter he had ever written me, all full of "I love you so much, I have never felt like this about anyone" balls. I showed it to him and his face was a picture.

Chin up girl Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2016 07:24

Seeing a solicitor and him receiving divorce papers will make it hit home to him more than anything you can say. Of course, if he then trie dot come crawling back you will have realised you married an immature twat by mistake and don't want him anyway.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:28

My parents are convinced it's just a tiff. I told them what he said, and what he said he wants but they think it's just a phase "all married couples go through". I think they are trying to be helpful, but I need to be realistic and I think that this is over for sure.
I'm holding off any proper action until a bit of time has passed so I know that I'm definitely not wrong.

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 26/04/2016 07:29
Flowers That sick feeling is very near excitement. This is an exciting time for you, not a sad one.
ptumbi · 26/04/2016 07:30

garlic - find your anger!

There is a Script that goes :- man perfectly happy for years, then decides that he is 'not happy, hasn't been for years' (to put blame onto you) and he wants to leave, or find himself, or separate for a while... Then, a few weeks later, you find out that in fact he has a new gf, whom he met 'oh, well after we broke up...' Angry Spineless, cowardly, callous, uncaring - you don't want a man like that. And that is exactly what he is like. It's exactly what he is doing.

And even if he isn't (for those who want to play devil's advocate) - who wants a man so uncaring? He wants out? Give him OUT!

Get angry! How dare he treat you like that? Angry I was boiling on your behalf when he made you wait for his judgement - for hours! - after you wanted him to come home. DO NOT give him a single inch - he is already checked out and on his way to another comfy bed. Look after yourself now!

rainbowstardrops · 26/04/2016 07:30

You sound like you're doing just great OP. It'll hurt like hell but you now know this is the beginning of a new you.

Go get a new hairstyle or buy some new clothes or whatever floats your boat and to hell with that arsehole. You can do better Flowers

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 26/04/2016 07:35

I'm still too sad to be angry Sad
I'll get there. Although I'm determined to be the bigger person. If he's acting like a cunt, then he can be a cunt. He can have his out I'd that's what he wants. I won't be fighting him to stay with me, I will try to have more self-respect than that.

OP posts:
Iggypoppie · 26/04/2016 07:38

garlic I was in your exact situation a year ago. I am now 6mths pregnant with someone new. It happened first time so it just goes to show that my exh and I were never going to conceive... So consider this an opportunity it might be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 26/04/2016 07:39

Get your dog.
Your H is leaving, he doesn't get to keep your dog. And you'll need the wet nose, stinky breath and dead weight cuddles- all invaluable at times of trauma I find :)

Very best wishes to you OP.

IlikePercyPig · 26/04/2016 07:42

Has he actually said that it's over? If not you seem to have given up relatively easy which makes me wonder if there were issues prior to yesterday but you ignored them.

Iggypoppie · 26/04/2016 07:43

Also I hate it when men say "I'm not happy" - as if you should fix it! They never think there's anything they could do, it's just a shit sandwich which they will happily serve up on a silver platter and then leave.

FearOfFlying · 26/04/2016 07:45

You get the dog, OP. Absolutely definitely. Thanks Sorry you're going through this.

Hold your head up high, keep your dignity. Don't cry, don't beg - he will despise you for it. Hold the door open for him, and don't listen to his crap script (they must get taken aside at school and given this 'script').

IlikePercyPig · 26/04/2016 07:46

No we 'do not get given' the script at all Hmm

mummaAJL · 26/04/2016 07:51

While you've been at your mums, has he text to show sympathy -check how you are etc? X

Blackheart2016 · 26/04/2016 08:03

I know what it's like to struggle to conceive and it's a blessing you haven't got children in the mix.

I have been where you are, the difference being after ttc for several years we got children in the end (not in the conventional way.) The last thing he said when he left was, I never wanted children. The last thing I said was, you should have told me.

Yy to the rewriting of history. I wouldn't believe what he says about that. If he genuinely didn't want to get married, well what kind of man is he if he can go along with that without wanting to? A coward and a liar.

I too didn't beg when ex wanted out. He threw that back in my face when he tried to come back a year later. He said he was hurt that I didn't fight for the marriage Confused.

Although it is horrendous now I think you sound very strong and sorted and you will be fine.

As you can see so many of us have been there and one day you will feel a sense of relief and see things differently.

ShebaShimmyShake · 26/04/2016 08:11

God, these worthless men who treat you like shit, blame you for their own gutlessness then whine when they leave and you let them go. They should wear pink dresses and let down their hair from their towers if that's what they want.