I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

I remember it, too, Jelly and agree with you. The marriage made me insecure, emotionally unstable, etc, but I didn't see this until after it ended

I agree with that. It got so bad I'd look in the mirror and not see myself so one day I went and had my beautiful blonde hair died red so I could see something!

3 years down the line we separated after 36 years of marriage and yesterday when we were talking on the phone I listened to this confident and well spoken woman and realised IT WAS ME!!!

I wont be needing red hair ever again to help me see myself in the mirror!

Garlic, Im so sorry this has happened to you, and in such a cruel manner.

Agree with pp that he is rewriting history. Things are tough so he's looking back and magnifying any doubt he might have had.
Good on you for finding headspace to say he's a twat. Getting angry seems a good route, at least in your first few days of getting some distance from him. Hoping sleep will be plentiful today.

Now you know the truth that he wants out at least you can plan a way forward.

Time to focus on your needs so you can extricate yourself. It will feel harsh and raw after especially after planning around ttc but when you look back in the future you'll see its for the best because you can now move forward in your life not stay in a marriage with someone who wants out.

I would start to do practical things like seek legal advice. It will help you to regain control. Yesterday the control was all on his side and didn't he use it!

Do you think there is someone else?

I think I managed about 20mins.
I googled lawyers, but I'm not sure if I act on that now it'll feel too soon. I'm waiting for it to hit him like it's hit me. Maybe in a few days, a week, I'll look into things like that. But for now, it's a few weeks break. I don't think we'll get a marriage back, but I don't know how this will play out.

I don't think there's someone else.

I married a man and spent a year TTC who aparently "made a mistake and went along with it all"
The 4ye old he has never seen is asleep in his bed
The shock was horiffic, but it really helped to go into fight mode. Give yourself a few days of sadness.
Then fight. Get beyonce on loud! Treat yourself to new hair, clothes, make up whatever and get your shit together and survive.
Make sure you are in control of what's next. You don't want a man who doesn't want you, who doesn't step up and treat you like you deserve.
I had An amazing 2 years on my own with my baby and found myself. I became strong and happy and we (baby and I) had the most amazing times together. I was free, I survived.
And then out of nowhere, I fell in love. His baby is kicking me from inside at the moment and he's asleep next to me. We get married next year and life is like a dream.
You won't believe it now. Take a bit of time being kind to yourself, but this will be the best thing that ever happens to you. You will end up with the happiness you deserve.

Fight mode. Put yourself and your needs above all else. Who the hell does he think he is treating you this way. He is a joke. Be strong, even if
You don't feel it. Fake it till you do

Your posts are bringing back a lot of
Memories for me I to has a thread on here at the time. any fucker was right all along even when I didn't want to listen to her and she really helped.
I wish I could hug you and tell you it all in detail. I'm happy for you, that sounds cold right now,
But this will end up being the best thing that could happen to you. You don't need him. He isn't worthy

Ps- I argued blind he didn't cheat. There was no other woman, my him he didn't have it in him.

There was 2!!!

Today is my getting shit together day.
I wish I could have slept so I feel more mentally prepared.

I've got the day off work and I'm determined to be okay to be back tomorrow.

Thank you peppa. There is definitely hope.

I am young and free.

Thinking about you garlic. He sounds like an overgrown man child.

Focus on you, be good to yourself.

Basically my second post on mumsnet but read this thread from the beginning knowing what was coming as I could recognise that "type" a mile off. Tummy turning over for you waiting for you to post...

knows what it's like to rock in the corner of a room in the small hours trying to work out what you did wrong

Fight mode please, summon every last morsel of strength you can find, don't let him also turn around and say separating was also an emotional battle for him because you were being this that and the other.

Having come out the other end of something like this, you will be okay and when you find someone who offers you the love, support and security he clearly isn't, then you realise just how much better off you'll be.

• am now happily paired off

Good luck for today

Thanks telly.
I have a mental list of all his bad points to fall back on to know this is for the best. But then I just remember his face and I'm still so much in love with him. Time apart should help that.

Thank you all. You have no idea how much your kind words are helping me through this

Thinking of you. TTC/infertility takes its toll on a relationship. It certainly did on mine. You have been through a lot - focus on YOU not him if you can x

You sound on form!! It will be tough I won't lie. But you can do this. It will be amazing!!
Whatever you need to get you in the zone, music whatever. It will help. You should be very proud of yourself. Nap when you need to xx

God, he sounds like a weak, feeble coward as well as an even more spiteful individual.
Poor you, it must be so painful; you're far better off without him although that's probably hard to understand at the moment.
💐 op, x

Feel for you Garlic . I have been there and it's tough but like others I moved on and have new partner and child and I found out how strong and independent I could be. My biggest mistake was not protecting myself financially so as soon as you feel able get copies of all relevant documents. If you have joint accounts make sure he cannot withdraw all your money and agree to nothing while you feel so raw. Good Luck

I was with someone for 12 years on and off, had two dcs together, we got a flat, he proposed - and then three months before the wedding he decided that he'd never loved me, that he'd only been with me for the sake of the dcs (there was a long history of resentment of me for 'getting myself pregnant' ) and the wedding was cancelled before he starting acting like a twat and staying out all night until I asked him to leave.
I PROMISE YOU - YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF FOR THIS EVENTUALLY. I now have a wonderful, kind, levelheaded DH, 2 more wonderful dcs, a stable home, and we laugh every day.
Life never goes the way you planned it. And this time ahead of you at the moment will be shit. And you will wonder how it all happened like this, and wonder if you can't just get back together - but be strong, and yes, as Daenerys2 says, focus on you.
You're young, free and strong enough to deal with this. It's really not the end of your world, but the beginning. Much and .

I think he's trying to rewrite history here Garlic. Whatever you do, don't fall for it.

This was my first thought too.
I'm guessing you couldn't 'force' him to do smaller things, like cook every day or be responsible for laundry or whatever.
But you're supposed to believe that you could 'force' him to marry and TTCagainst his will?? After HE proposed to YOU, of course.

Bollocks.

I hope there isn't someone else. But there is someTHING else.

And yes, make sure you sort out money/property properly and fairly now - make it as clean (and definite) a break as possible, and avoid years of shite later on down the line. Sounds harsh, but I learnt that one the hard way.

Hes rewriting history. Im sorry youre going through this. Lots of us have been through bombshells like this. We rise up. We survive. You will too.
Dont beg for him back xx

Nearly crying reading this. I've followed it since you started too. This happened to me just before christmas. My thread helped me through too.

You will go from fight mode to despair mode within seconds but over time the fight mode takes over and you will be strong. Best advice I can give is gather your friends to support you. Strong friendships mean the world at a time like this. You are more than him. You can do it, you really can and you will come out the other end better than ever.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, the shock is like no other. I couldn't act for first few days, just stumbled through in a haze of bewildered horror. Sleep becomes impossible and the thought of it all-consuming. Don't feel pressurised to be capable and forward-looking in the next 48 hours, I found it utterly beyond me, then I gathered myself together and was strong.

Don't believe a word he says. That's the hardest bit to take in, but don't. He is changing things to make them fit his current behaviour. He sounds horrendous. Sending you love and support, hang in there x

my oh has said the same sort of things this past week, he's now refusing to leave and I have nowhere to go!!
How sad that so many me behave like this and think it's ok and justifiable.
It will hurt and confuse you for a while, don't contact him- my oh keeps ringing when he's at work to see how I am which is the most bizarre thing given he doesn't want to be with me. Stay at your mums and get some distance that's the best thing for you right now