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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

995 replies

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 16:35

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Nyancat · 25/04/2016 19:47

Thinking about you op and hoping everything turns out well for you Flowers

DougalTheCheshireCat · 25/04/2016 19:48

Hope this means you're having a good discussion

Cloudstasteofmash · 25/04/2016 19:49

garlic I hope your ok.

I've been in a similar situation with Dh, my moods and hormonal nastiness did push him a way. We sorted stuff out a week later when he had a rest from me .

My moods and hormones were out of control and I took my fertility anxiety out on him. Be careful with it as it can lean in to being abusive

Don't text him, give him space.

We went on to have a dd through IVF and I'm pregnant with my second IVF baby.

Wineandpopcorn · 25/04/2016 19:50

really hope he is back and you are talking, and that things aren't as bad as you were thinking Flowers

lougle · 25/04/2016 19:55

I hope you've managed to talk. What a horrible day for you.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 25/04/2016 19:56

garlic, when you return I know things will very different - I just hope it's the way you want.

For what it's worth I know this feeling oh so well. Flowers I knew, deep down, what was going on. Like you did I asked outright. I got the same response. I could have been speaking your words back then, and I heard similar reassurances from all round me. In the end, I was right. But I knew I would be.

To me you sound like a completely reasonable, normal, passionate woman - GOOD FOR YOU - who's undergoing an extremely emotive and complicated phase of life. And YOU WILL BE BETTER AT THE END of whatever happens tonight. Eventually. I speak with the confidence of lived experience.

...and if it's something silly and he's kept you hanging on like that, knee him in the balls. Bastard.

..and if it isn't, BASTARD!! More Flowers for you.

clam · 25/04/2016 19:58

How hard would it have been for him just to text back something along the lines of "Don't be daft, of course I'm not leaving you, but there are a couple of things I think we need to talk about." And then, shock horror, a couple of xx?

That would be the kind thing to do. You know, for someone you're meant to love and who you know is worrying themselves like mad.

jbee1979 · 25/04/2016 19:59

If he's still not home, go out yourself. It might be nothing, or to do with TTC, or not about ending the marriage... but I wouldn't sit about waiting on him. He's keeping you dangling after being distant. go out and get petrol for tomorrow, a birthday card, a box of teabags and leave him to wonder what you're thinking for a bit. There's nothing as demoralising as waiting by the door for him to determine your fate. There's nothing as unappealing as desperation too. You're not playing games, just flip some power and give yourself a more even footing.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 25/04/2016 20:00

I hope, that at the very least, he's home by now.

No matter how withdrawn you were, him being so awful all week isn't on. Then his text reply to you was heartless. If he isn't planning on actually leaving you tonight he should have told you that and put you out of the worst of your misery.

Whatever he has to say for himself, you need to have a really good think about life. I know you say this isn't like him, but you aren't quite being honest with yourself. You have already been shielding him from your feelings and the stress ttc. I bet you walk on egg shells a lot. You are already basically promising the earth if only he will stay...it's not right my love, it's really not. I'm not saying this from my high horse, I'm saying it from the muddy puddle of life. I look back on some of the things I said, did, promised, all to make a relationship work. I wish I'd had MN in those days.

It has been a long time since I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, but you've taken me right back there... I hope he isn't dropping the bombshell you are scared of, but love, you really need to stop TTC, actively make sure you don't conceive and have a damn good think about life. Right now you are young, without children & newly married - life gets harder, not easier and frankly, he doesn't sound like the sort if person I'd want to be going through 'thick & thin' with. I know that's a scary thought, but spending your life feeling like this is far worse 💐

Funko · 25/04/2016 20:02

If you lived near me id invite you round for game of thrones and several glasses of wine and you'd be welcome to very comfy sofa for the night 🍷
Big hugs x

garlicbreathing · 25/04/2016 20:06

I was right. He's unhappy. And has been for a long time.
I'm at my mum's tonight, we'll see what comes tomorrow.

OP posts:
sidsgranny · 25/04/2016 20:07

Hope all is ok OP, have been following your thread from the start. I don't think it sounds like he's going to leave but equally he is being very thoughtless (at best) by keeping you hanging like this.

Whereabouts in the country are you? Just in case any of us are nearby and can help!

MerryInthechelseahotel · 25/04/2016 20:08
Flowers
99percentchocolate · 25/04/2016 20:09

Oh Garlic, I'm so sorry Flowers

redstrawberries101 · 25/04/2016 20:09

Sorry OP.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 25/04/2016 20:09

Oh no, so sorry to hear that OP. Glad you're at your mum's for some TLC. Hope you manage to get some good sleep tonight Flowers

GarlicShake · 25/04/2016 20:09

Oh, garlic Flowers Wine Cake I'm glad you're safe at your mum's. Let her take care of you for a bit. x

TheGirlWhoWasntThere · 25/04/2016 20:10
Flowers
MammaTJ · 25/04/2016 20:10

I'm sorry this has happened, but better now than deep into fertility treatments and the nightmare that brings, even worse once you have actually managed to have a baby together.

I know this is small consolation right now, but may be in the future.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/04/2016 20:10

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you can have the space to work out what you want now.

Rubberduck2 · 25/04/2016 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

voddiekeepsmesane · 25/04/2016 20:11

garlic Flowers

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 25/04/2016 20:11

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. Take it a step at a time. No big decisions for the moment. As tough as it is, try and get some sleep and just focus on the basics for now - eating, sleeping, breathing.

Sending love

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 25/04/2016 20:12

To quote Paul Simon, "She comes back to tell me she's gone. As if I didn't know that! As if I didn't know my own bed".

I'm so sorry. Take very great care of yourself garlic Flowers

Sgoinneal · 25/04/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.