Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Anna I'm 39. Tinder is usually ok, tonight absolutely dire! I've tried OKC and it put me off for life! I was only on for 12 hours, I had pleading 'talk to me messages' and obvious fake profiles. I like that you have to both like each other to send messages on tinder, I've already pre-approved the men (when there are some decent ones about).

Sounds like everyone has got some prospects! What does "irons" mean? Yes I think I will go out with Beaver if he asks. He's not messaged tonight despite messaging over the course of the day....so I reckon he must be out as it's Friday. I hope I don't get drunken messages later on. I'll be asleep anyway :)

Traffic the term irons is from having 'irons in the fire'. And generally it's good to have a couple going!

Sorry to butt in on the thread but you good people gave me good and sensible advice a couple of years ago on a dating issue. And it was accurate in the way things worked out! Comments welcome on my current situation:

OLD, got in touch with female (I’m male) about 3 months ago. After the exchange of messages and texts met up and there was, I think, a strong initial attraction on both sides. So been meeting up for a couple of months, mainly weekends but on average twice a week, lives very similar, both divorced with grown up kids about the same age, high pressure jobs and similar family circumstances. Get on really well, and she’s introduced me to some of her friends as I have her to mine.

However, the issue is the physical side. Apart from the odd snog (sorry!) in public whilst going home, there has been no other physical contact. Lately I’ve said to her that I would like to spend overnight with her, without necessarily DTD, but she has been resistant to the idea and said that she has to take time to develop sexual feelings.

I really do like her, and appreciate that she might not have had many relationships since her divorce over 10 years ago, but I don’t know what to do next. At the moment I’m vacillating between thinking that I’m a convenient person for her to go out with and who she doesn’t want a real relationship with, or that she has some hesitation or block on taking the limited physical side to the next level.

My dilemma is that the last thing that I want to do is to say something to try to resolve my feelings, which puts pressure on her by asking more about why she doesn’t want the physical side (either at the moment or ever). I don’t want her to feel that I’m pressurising her, but if this side of things isn’t going to develop I’d rather cut losses sooner than later. I may be shallow, but don’t want to see myself having a platonic relationship for the rest of my life. I suppose that if she were to say ‘not yet’ am I reasonable in asking ‘when’? And I suspect that if she hasn’t had a great desire to rip the clothes off me in the last two months, she never will.

I suspect the next stage is really to ask her how she sees things developing. Or is there any other advice, or comments on the current situation?

reddish I'm not sure what to suggest, because your relationship sounds very unusual to me. I can't imagine not wanting sex after that long with someone, so I'd be wondering if she saw this as just a platonic friendship.

I think you need to talk to her. You'll see from this thread that people in sexual relationships have to have the "where is this going" talk, and this is similar, only the opposite way round. There is nothing wrong, in my opinion, in wanting a relationship to get sexual after that length of time. There could be any number of perfectly valid reasons she doesn't want that, but I think you have to ask her.

Apart from the odd snog (sorry!) in public whilst going home, there has been no other physical contact

Perhaps kissing in public doesn't do it for her!

You need to be alone with her if the relationship is ever going to get physical. Why not take her out to dinner and invite her back to your place and see what happens?

Morning all

reddish you don't sound shallow. Whilst what you have sounds amazing, I would be in the same shoes as you. Happy to wait but wanting to know that that side of it was good.
No one here can tell you what is going on I'm afraid, it could be any number of reasons and you absolutely need to sit down and explore this delicately and sensitively is my advice.

It could be that she's absolutely freaking out, hasn't shared her space (or her body) for years and has a huge mental block with approaching this as a result.
It could be that she doesn't fancy you.
It could be that she isn't highly sexual / doesn't have a sex drive and it isn't a priority.

I will say this much. One of the most important parts of my next relationship will be our ability to communicate. Openly, honestly and without nervousness / fear. That is one of my top priorities . These are the sorts of issues (again go look at the thread where couples haven't had sex for 5+ years) that couples have to be able to talk about, confront and work out a plan to move forward. This is really hugely important.

In your shoes I would sit her down and be very honest. Tell her what you've told us, about just how amazing she is. About how you feel about this situation and how you just want to start feeling intimate with her. You prepared to go at her pace, zero pressure. You have absolutely every right to have this conversation.
Then I would gauge her reaction and decide what's next.
Again, if the reaction I was faced with was an inability to communicate on this issue. I would think about walking away. Again, not because of the lack of intimacy but because of inability to talk about it. Time and time again, lack of communication is the reason so many couples don't make it.

Hope that helps

Right onto rest of thread

Thanks all re your kind words about RL irons. . This is why I luvs this thread, amazing support.I work in a male dominated industry and as such my target pool naturally widens, it's a numbers game right? We shall see what happens, I could have totally misread the situation.

fox you've hit the wall I hit 2 weeks ago. I decided to come off the apps and haven't regretted it. My phone (after months of buzzing etc) is silent and it is quite liberating. My mood is based on real life and not whether some stranger swipes right/ left and messages me. On the whole I'm a hugely upbeat person so it's had a positive impact. Taking a break from it and focussing on you is a real option....
Lol at wanting Apple there after a shit day, that's the last thing I want!

314 did you have a fun night?

waving I'm really enjoying the steady state, no drama of you and MTG. Proper grown up dating. Heaven!!!

Was anyone on dates last night?
freaky has her adult sleepover tonight, anyone else on dates.

Happy Saturday y'all. I'm headed out for a long run. May head out into central London after for a spot of shopping more likely to end up sitting on my arse all afternoon!

Happy weekend all!
Excited for freaky today and her sleepover!
reddish some great advice already, you sound like one of the good guys! If just add that you need to have this conversation soon and find out one way or another as you've already invested quite a long time on this relationship, you will be even more emotionally involved if any more weeks/months go on with you falling harder only to find out she only sees it as a friendship. Good luck, please do come back and update us!

Morning all! Sun is shining here, always a nice feeling going into the weekend with that going on!

Have tried to have a proper catch up.... reddish that's a fab response from sassy I completely agree. Honest communication is absolutely fundamental, have learnt that the hard way. And beginning with the compliments that you have described here will help!

freaky, muddling, jolly and any others I've missed, enjoy your dates, look forward to updates. The tongue and shoes did really make me laugh.

lovelyfriend it is so hard to get back out there but try and relax and enjoy it. anna good luck with Clark Kent, sounds like the others are really not for you.

toosassy your real life iron sounds amazing, if someone I was attracted to (especially professionally for some reason) used their initiative like that to find me I'd be very swoony.

handy I hope you manage to get out of the house Tuesday - if that's what you want. I can relate to jollyphonics too tho about actually wanting to stay in and not share. I shall call my iron MrValues, although I know we probably should go out more we both enjoy staying in, having lots of sex and just being together and really talking and getting to know one another. But yes it probably is a bubble. Like most things, it's only an issue if one of you isn't really happen with how it is. I wish i could figure out how I feel about him! Today's a good day because I'm seeing him later, by Monday the barriers will be up and I'll be talking myself out of it again.... Anyone know where I can read more about this place marking thing....?

Drfoxtrot I so hear ya! I make out I'm not bothered but I too had a bad day last week and just wanted to run and hide at his house and have a big cuddle.

waving I followed most of your soho journey but missed the end. And missed the start of MTG, but lovely to read that things are going well for you.

314 I found the okcupid match/enemy thing quite useful in weeding out some that I knew I would have trouble getting on with. MrValues and I were initially 100% but then we sat one night and did a load of the questions together for a laugh and our score went right down!!

Sorry to anyone I've missed but I must get on! Good luck to all on dates, let's all go enjoy your amazing lives in this sunshine and hope you all have fab weekends

The other thread literally ran away with me!

My news:-

Had date with Irish who then sexted me and now when I arranged to meet up is busy (but he does own his own pub/restaurant).

Nothing else since but got Mr Arty email me a week after I emailed him (seems nice enough) and then an OKC from a nice enough man who then texted his number to me as he said there were nutters there (he isn't wrong actually!). I will text him later why not.

Then there was Man on Street - I'm working up to walking that way again but have been lazy as it was way after I usually leave...

I think I may join a book group or gym or something in that area as lots of eligible men and my type!

TooSassy it can all get overwhelming can't it which is why I'm not very active on sites!

IToldYou sounds like things are going well with Bacon nice when they're keen!

Anna good luck with Clark Kent and nothing wrong with sleeping with Mr Pugwash if it clarified your feelings or lack of for you!

I'd leave Hangingonthetelephone and concentrate on the others.

Harriet that's so rude ignore him and go on the date your friend tried. Sadly it's always the way sometimes the ones like really like turn out to be tossers. Re his behaviour lots of men when they can't be bothered with you saying " change your mind about me" blank you, avoiding is either than explaining or having a talk. Well rid!

'MrsRoland go on date bit perplexed as to why you're going though if you prefer men with kids.

TooSassy I love real life irons! Good luck!

mmmmkkkayy I just hate time wasters like that, why can't they be honest?! Twats!

good night yyes! bit of a headache this morning. argh pass the nurofen. we went back to my friend's new house after the restaurant and then I got a taxi home later, so I lost count of how many glasses of wine I had.

Hello lovelies! Very split experiences at the moment, yay for the good ones!

I did the wise thing and hid Bee. His issues were too much for me to deal with. Slow week iron-wise, am cultivating a stonemason who is currently working up in the Swiss Alps doing a garden refurb and not due back until mid May. He's super-articulate and only has Internet signal at weekends so it gives me time to enjoy the chat and clear my head at the same time.

I am getting too many suggestions on okcupid from men miles away. I can't seem to control that.

reddish agree with toosassy
either she doesn't feel that attracted to you but likes you so she's hoping the attraction grows (and it does for women)
or, she's really self conscious about her body inside or outside
or ........... she knows from past experience that as soon as you sleep with a man it all goes pear-shaped.

Sleeping with somebody nearly always coincides with the end for me. I dated a guy about ten times, and we slept together for the first time, date 9 I think, date 10, he dumped me. Versions of this have happened to me a lot. I think if I really liked somebody I'd want to sleep with somebody but I'd feel like I was sabotaging it too. Sex always seems to bring it all to a grinding halt

Superflyhigh I messaged him and was honest about lack of communication and apparently he gets anxious about messaging people too much? But he's been basically ignoring me! Ugh I was in a five year relationship being ignored the whole time really don't appreciate it from somebody i hardly know too!

314 it's crap how that happens isn't it! Glad you had a fun night, hopefully it was a nice distraction from recent stuff?

tanya your new iron sounds interesting! If you carry on messaging until May I hope you do actually meet! Try and get some other irons alongside him just incase!

I'm chatting flirting away merrily to an old iron partyboy he has been the only one in my 5 weeks of this bloody OLD journey to light my fire a bit. We have a lot of easy banter and I'm quite keen to actually meet him at last just to see if it translates before I invest anymore time (and emotions) im hoping to firm up a date this week at last, he asked when I was free, I said Wednesday or Saturday so I'm hoping he's going to up his game and not turn out completed flaky. I don't want a pen pal, however nice and fun it's been!
Meanwhile I'm busy trying to gain some more irons as I don't like just having one, it feels worse when it doesn't come to anything if there is nobody simmering away as a distraction! So madly swiping and messaging

mmmkkaay sorry but I think that is a load of bull about messaging someone too much, surely if you like them you don't read that much into it, right?? I don't think personally it makes a difference if you know them or not, it should do but often doesn't.

tanyadm I think I missed the Bee stuff but good to see you're messaging a stonemason working far away and giving you space so you can clear your head!

314 what you need to do on OKC is set your distance settings so they are in eg a 5-10 (whatever is easiest for you) mile radius. But yes, sometimes I get messages from men up north (err no, done LTRs) etc and I think they've gone since I changed my settings.

Also sex is interesting for me too, it has to be right, but sometimes if you don't sleep with them you don't know if you gel in bed. Then there is the Q do you want to waste time dating them only to find out they're rubbish in bed so you DTD sooner rather than later or do you follow the old style dating mantra of "he'll think I'm cheap if I sleep with him after only 2 dates etc" and wait for 6 etc dates only to find out you're not sexually compatible?! Aaarrrgghh!

lastnicknamefree that's good re the date with partyboy but don't you wish sometimes they'd just date sooner rather than Later and firm up a date as soon as too?

That's been my mantra recently - if someone can't be bothered to meet soonish I won't talk to them (had the 3 month emails with no sign of a meet up, time wasters) or the ones you talk to for ages finally meet up and you don't get on or fancy them at all! GRRRR

I love the ones who after a week or two or even a few days say "fancy a coffee?"

Aargh. What do I wear? It's at 3pm and chilly but sunny here.
I can usually do this. Again aargh.

Superfly God yes, who's got time to waste messaging for weeks. IMO they are not interested if they don't ask you out after a week-10 days max and you're just an ego boost etc. With partyboy he's an older iron from POF, we hit it off, arranged a dare pretty rapidly but he let me down on the evening due to work. I through a hissy fit and refused to reschedule, I actually deleted and ignored for a month but kept thinking about him as it was unfinished business and a huge "what if" for me. So I got back in touch (probably a huge no no and broke all the rules, I mean MH would be disgusted with me) and it's been a nice few days of falling right back into the easy and flirty chat we had. I just need to meet the man so I can know if I missed anything!! I've told him when I'm free next week, if he doesn't firm up I'll back right off

Sorry for the typo's!
Hmmm what to wear? Have you got a nice cardi or jacket you can wear open, over a vest top of short sleeved blouse? Necklace to accentuate?

Where is the date Anna?