Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

But yes, you/we were all right, it makes no difference to us.

The next time I hear these words in any form I will drop the communication like it's a hot turd potato

He is extremely amicable with his ex though. He spends time at her house. And she has a LTR and is moving soon to live with her new partner. Not a bad idea the direct questions thing. Might try that.

Soho moaning on facebook about how miserable he is! Waving I'd take the reins there and delete him. Cos one day he'll notice that, probably when he's about to delete you. Petty but get in there first.

How did you resist the temptation to do a little 'boo hoo' ??

None of the men I ever dated in any capacity friended me on fb but i never encouraged that... not even H who allegedly thought we were going somewhere at the beginning! tbh I didn't want to friend him either. I could just clearly visualise myself agonising over whether or not to delete him in ten weeks :-P We lasted 7 I think.

Dr Creepy is on my linkedIn, but even if he were on my fb, he wouldn't be the type to write something on your wall.

Sassy, I think I will always have some level of anxiety in a new relationship. I have had several wigouts over Bacon already when things were going "well" but this change of tone is causing me particular stress (obvs!). It makes me feel like everything before was a bit fake, you know? and I don't deal well with lack of communication...reminds me of last year with Mr 2015. Anyway, I am definitely not offering him BH Monday. I have made plans with my mum now so that she'll have DS for a bit so I can study and then we'll have a family dinner.
Bacon has messaged this morning to say good morning and ask how I am. I replied not great as I have a horrible sore throat (true! Yay.....) He went offline straight after sending the message...not sure if this is a good or a bad thing or just what it is!

Interesting about the screen names (on the bbc link) i filled in the quick questionnaire and apparently I got everything right apart from my screen name choice.

For POF I deliberately picked a screen name that made me sound wholesome and pure and nice and I didn't get any dick pics.

On okcupid i picked a screen name which is a play on words but one of the two words can mean HOT. It only means hot when the word is on its own though, not when it's paired with the other word. But still, it suggests hotness............. lol. God. Can't believe I'm typing this. I need to go and get ready.

I have an important meeting at 11 fgs. MOVE Pie.

Freaky if it's any consolation I have massive anxiety at the beginning of relationships, which can be almost incapacitating. Gaps between texts drive me insane, and I constantly analyse everything. If it's all going well then I worry about him dying in a car accident or something! Honestly - it's as if I can't allow myself to relax and enjoy it. And the bizarre thing is that I never have anxiety in any other area of my life, however stressful things get. It's only relationships. I'm probably better single!

Yeh, Freaky, so do I!!! I was reading on psychology today that it's basically unavoidable if you care. So what's the solution? to date people you don't care about? great plan, no it's not!

discussing uncertainty and romance, AXEA29 said to me that uncertainty is "fun". I said if you're the passenger it's not fun. He understood. He didn't say 'wha'?' I asked 'are you always the driver?' and he came back with 'wait i'm putting on my seat belt'. If he were 2 decades older I'd be going off on this date with high hopes. Even one decade older. He knows I'm not going to shag him. I have made that so so so so so clear. I thought I'd gone overboard yesterday and hurt his feelings. But he came back an hour later with paid to teach lazy fat boys maths not paid to flirt with you. I had to correct him again and say we aren't flirting we're interacting.

Maybe I need to be the driver more.

Fed up of the uncertainty being mine.

Yeah. It's so surprising how emotionally invested one can be with a man after 0, 1, 2, 3 dates. How to avoid that? I mean really?? And why do we do this to ourselves? I was perfectly happy and stable until I met someone I really really like/fancy....

To add to my confirmed spot on the WTF bench, I'm back on POF. Just going to see if I get any messages from anyone decent unlikely

It's a very WTF thing to do but makes me feel better about the CI thing.

CI has sent me a nice message this morning.

If anyone has any idea what's going on, can they please let me know. I've got day off plus therapy later. I don't want to mention what's going on to my therapist. Because on the surface it looks like CI is taking the proverbial out of me.

...back to the WTF bench.

Off out for a therapeutic run...

It is a consolation Jolly, thank you, though sorry that this affects you too! I'm the same, that it's really only relationships that affect me like this. I don't know whether that's the legacy of bad relationships or what? Or me being a massive control freak but unable to control relationships? But yeah, in all other areas of my life, I'm able to shrug most things off with a "meh" and find the logical solution.

\End of Freaky's World of Introspection\ (for at least 5 mins anyway)

Waving Tiny violin for Soho. He had his chance of happiness with you and blew it big time.

NOTHING is happening in my dating life. And I've even paid for eharmony.
Aside from unwanted attention from the friend who is crossing the line - nada. Eh. Going to drink my Costa and read the thread now!

Freaky I think it's a side order that goes with liking people slightly more than they like you back. I know I've only ever had two long relationships. In both cases I guess I was the driver. The relationships were long and boring and hard to get out of for practical reasons. Shorter relationships that I enjoyed more that I tried to make last, or tried to make more permanent, I was the passenger. I need to co-pilot with somebody interesting and attractive. Right. That's what I need to do. Easy, huh? em how.

Wow....It seems that dating feels the same for EVERY WOMAN out there. Regardless of anything. I had honestly thought that I was the only one who had major problems and I thought it was down to being a bit chunky, having too many kids and pitching above my weight!!!

But it's not. You all have insecurities and problems and crappy dates and weirdo men.

freaky I'm totally with you on the activity thing. It incenses me no end!!! Especially if I've sent a message and he's not read it but is active. Eh. It's the curse of technology. I wish I was still none the wiser with only texting. And not iPhone texting. Just ordinary run of the mill texting. No "last active" or "active now" or "seen" or commenting all over Facebook but not replying to your message!! Argh!!!

Then of course there's instagram and twitter to contend with.

A man smiled at me yesterday. Looked me up and down and then smiled at me. I was shocked! Nothing happened 😂😂 I was walking past a coffee shop and he was inside. Felt nice though.

314 what shitty thing but anna is totally right. I once dated an almost divorcee. We had to keep it quiet because he didn't want his wife to have another reason to make the divorce more expensive. (Charming - why didn't I see that!?) Then, when his divorce finalised instead of declaring our love publicly (he had declared it privately) he ended it and started dating the woman with whom he cheated on his wife with, which ended his marriage in the first place. That made me feel really really crappy. They are still together now. Bastarding happy people.

Handy I think that although men sometimes might raise their eyebrows at us being so invested after four or five dates, they don't know how much searching through a haystack it took to find somebody we'd consider going on a second date with! we know that that's not easy. I can spend weeks chatting on line to get one date. Chances of mutually hitting it off and fancying each other enough to want to go out again, about 35%? Waving is an exception, the number of irons she got through in three weeks, that was a year's work for me!!!

314 you put the really articulately. It's so true!! I want to be a co pilot too. I've always been the passenger. You made me feel a bit lighter - kind of deciding I have a purpose to what I'm looking for in dating is great. Normally, I'd take what I can get as I long as I like the guy - but no, I'm going to start looking for my co pilot. Not a new driver 😊😊 thanks!!

Wow traffic! he doesn't sound like a great guy. :-/ He couldn't even be single when he was disentangling himself from a marriage with an OW waiting in the wings. Better off without that kind of partner I'd say.

let's all be co-pilots!

Oh yeah I definitely am 😂😂 still smarts a bit when I think about it, despite it being over 4 years ago. I think it was a huge blow to my self esteem. He was sleeping with her all the time. Including when he was seeing me.

When I berate myself for getting so invested in relationships so ridiculously early on, I remind myself of how upsetting other short-lived things can be.

For example - I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks many years ago, and I was devastated, and cried for several weeks. Most people feel like that after a miscarriage I think - it's an expected and legitimate reaction, and no one would have told me I was being unreasonable in my distress. However, if you think about it logically, why would people get so upset? It wasn't a baby, I'd only known about it for a matter of weeks, I couldn't possibly have "bonded", it hadn't really formed a part of my life etc etc.

But the point is it was an expectation and hope of a particular future. So while it wasn't a huge part of my present, it had already (in my mind) become a huge part of my future. And it was that loss that was so upsetting. I think early relationships can feel similar.
I apologise massively to anyone who feels I'm minimising the distress of miscarriages by comparing them to early relationships, but having gone through both of them it's a comparison that works for me.

Traffic junkie, interesting what you say about ''pitching above your weight''. In moments of introspective confusion about my ongoing single status, I honestly wonder if I do that. I guess dating would be easier if I could go for older shorter more boring men, but I'm still hoping for the attraction and chemistry and the compatibility and I only ever feel that with interesting attractive men who would have other options. I want a man to have other options and still choose me but sometimes I wonder if that's unrealistic now :-( Then I push that thought out of my head. Do I have to have a long hard look at my 'weight'. I think I'm superbantam weight you see. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm light flyweight :-P

Jollyphonics true. You're allowed to be sad about some things and not others.

Yes, yes, 314, that's it! Before Bacon I hadn't had a date since end Jan and no real irons since then either. It's really no wonder I over-invested, especially with his level of blue-eyed Blarney charm sweeping me away. So rare to find someone that I am interested in, that's interested in me and then to hit it off so much on the first date? I did know it was all a bit too good to be true though. Just hoping that this is an injection of reality rather than The End.

I was the driver with exP in the early days. He definitely liked me more, that's why it was so bloody easy. Then we settled into a nice bit of co-piloting before he sped off into the sunset.... Bacon is defo in the driving seat so far. Not sure how I regain control of that one....

Traffic I'm not surprised you are still smarting! What a tool!

jolly I agree with you. I recently got involved with someone who wasn't available and none is available he's even less available because of emotional turmoil. I was fully prepared for this and should have known better - but, I still cried for the loss of what it could have been. It may even still be. But it's a long way off.

314 I started believing I wasn't attractive enough or slim enough for the guys I liked. I started thinking "well, that guy there who i don't find attractive at all but has messaged me - I should probably talk to him" but I don't want to settle. And who says that I'm not good enough for a man because I'm a bit overweight? Also, poor guy who I settle for. How would he feel if he knew that? So, despite my total lack of confidence I'm going to keep going for who I like and eventually I'll find someone who likes me!

Jollyp you are so right with the miscarriage comparison. I completely agree. We are being hard on ourselves re the over-investment thing.

And 314 oh how I wish I could be so excited about a fat, bald, short accounts clerk. Or something. Or Mr2014-15 who wrote he still loved me from New Zealand recently. He always, without fail, let me know he valued and respected and liked me. But I want quirky sense of humour, sexy, exciting stuff to balance out/complement me and my grown up life.... sigh....

Hi everyone!

Handy, sorry I passed out last night before I could reply to your post! I am not surprised you are sitting with me on the WTF bench.. The ex wife comment was way out of line! But from my "can't open up" position I wonder if that was not CI's attempt at telling you that it is not that he does not want to let you in, he just can't for the moment? I dunno but the "feeding crumbs" and the lack of emotional literacy does resonate a bit with me. And, putting the pedestal stuff aside, it is not you or Karmic doing anything wrong. I am the one with the problem and my guess is that CI is probably too. Trying the direct questions approach is I think a very good plan. Might suggest Karmic does that

Freaky no worries, I need harsh!! Karmic is indeed "wonderful boyfriend" material, and I do need that oomph. A lot of oomph. do I respect him? I think so.. But I am not sure I admire him. But I am not marrying him tomorrow so maybe I just need to chill the fuck down and realize that if it does get too boring I can get out of it? Re Bacon, it looks to me like your anxieties are related to trust - is there any chance that part of it is fueled by your past experiences? Ie it is not you or him or the situation, it is the work of your ghosts from the past?

Sassy Karmic is indeed a little outside my type, even though I usually do not go for alpha males mainly cos I am the alpha. But I do not want a doormat either. Like 314 says (awesome analogy!) I want a co-pilot, someone that I feel comfortable passing on the wheel to. And that is where I am failing. Which is weird because I do trust him to drive safely.., I would feel "not in control". Also I am currently the driver and I know fuck all where I am going. Dammit, I am just a complete control freak on the loose. Argh.

Waving yep, I would unfriend Soho. He was pretty rude to you the last time you guys spoke wasn't he? That makes me think my first "opening up to Karmic" goodwill gesture is going to add him on FB. He messaged me on the chat and we are sometimes using it but I never added him.

Jollyp to you - and it is true the "hope for the future" does have a way to put unreasonable pressure on the present.

Traffic I can assure you you are not alone!! Dating is really hard. And wow at almost divorcee. Bastard.

Hi all,

I haven't updated since my first post but been following you all.

freaky - I've kinda been like you with my iron, and I don't blame you for acting the way you have in a change of text as I am the same! I'm currently really hating the whatsapp online/last online status - I never paid much attention to it before!

Now I don't expect you all to remember my first post but MrFit is back. We've been texting since before Christmas and only had 2 texts. We had a phase of texting ALOT but he was making no effort into arranging a third date so I backed off, and then the texting was slowing down... anyway after a week of no texts we had a text convo and now we're texting again, but finally he has arranged to meet for drinks again on Sunday. The thing is I've had a few red flags now and I know I should walk away, but why aren't I?! I've not been able to find anyone else on OLD that I remotely like as much, and I went on a date with another guy but didn't feel any attraction towards him. Arranged a couple of others but haven't messaged them for a few days as I'm very 'meh' about them.

Anyway, I'll just go along on Sunday and see what happens. I think he's texting someone else as well, which is allowed of course but it's making me feel like I'm his back up option....