Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

That should be 2 dates not texts!

Hey Jolly! Yeah, I'm sure some of my issues are related to my past. I'm sure I've said it on here before but I thought I knew ExP as well as you can know a person. He was my best friend and partner for 12 years and the father of my child and I was SURE he'd never cheat on me. And he did. And I had no clue. So I do think "well, how on earth do I ever trust anyone again, let alone a guy that I've known for less than a month?" So, not sure what I do with that...

BUT you guys have also made me realise that actually, overinvesting and then being annoyed at lack of communication is actually quite normal.

So, I'm dealing with both the current situation (change of text message style) and my trust issues (reading far too much in when he's online) both of which are shit but being able to separate them a bit is helpful so thanks everyone for helping me do that!

Dare I suggest you "go with the flow" with Karmic? You like each other a lot and that's rare enough to be wirth giving it a try. Adding him on FB is a good first step, I think.

Meg What are the red flags with MrFit? Just that he's texting someone else? I'd feel exactly the same as you, but it is "allowed"...

Past experiences do play a part.
ive never bern cheated on (tjat i know of) and it never occurs to me that that's something i should fear.

I fall for men who wont commit and then i go in to McRelationships as a placeholder /fake girlfriend ...... feeling inafequate until i finally cop on and walj away.

I dont giveva thought to what they're doing on whatsapp tho. Probably telling their mum they just had a mushroom cup a soup and their dad whatsapped them to say the shed is a mess.

Of course, men can't cheat on me bevause they never commit to me.

H did, for a few weeks. Im actually grateful now. He was a high status man objectively. We'd no connection but he should remind me not to lower my bar just because the bearded free spirits keep me at arms length. It is not all me tho!! Those types seek you out to give you forty per cent.

I will be walking away sooner in the future. I will be able to smell it quicker

Yep I need to "go with the flow" Freaky. But.. Yikes! And re Bacon what you are going through is normal, you may think you are being a nutcase but you are not! Cheating scares me too and I can see how that may affect you. And "maintenance mode" is hardly pleasant.

Meg I would give him a chance but make him work A LOT for it.

314 and Traffic IMO dating "below your league" is a sure way to end up on the WTF bench. (That is not the case with Karmic btw)

Freaky, Jolly, Handy It is so difficult to cope emotionally at the beginning of a relationship. I find that at the beginning, the excitement of the new relationship develops into the nervous anxiety of “what are they doing?” when the expected text doesn't arrive . If things seem to be going well and I am comfortable, it may be that the other partner is more emotionally invested and I'm playing it cool, and therefore causing her stress.

Then there are the times such as I'm in now, where I wonder if karma is paying me back for all the uncertainties and possible pain I've caused other people in the past by perhaps taking a bit of a casual attitude. My new memo to myself is that I should try to not be too casual and hope that the relationship fades away, if I'm not completely keen on it. I should say something and remember that sometimes it's better to be cruel to be kind. But on the other hand, not everything is going to go wonderfully well in a relationship all of the time, and if I'm not too keen on it should I let it run and see if I get those initial feelings back?

It’s all far too confusing.

314 The searching for the needle in the haystack is the same for men too! I think that it’s like searching for that one random page in the whole of the internet.

Jolly your analogy on the miscarriage comparison rang true. Emotional investment means building up the future, and projecting way too much. I’m having conversations in my mind with my (ex?) girlfriend about every 5 minutes, and I feel each conversation lasts for 4 minutes. Not healthy, I know, but it's getting better. I’m usually a pragmatic, hard headed chap who can strip the emotion out of any situation, hence my concern about karma coming back to haunt me.

Freaky the red flags are other things which have happened before such as 'forgetting' we had a date and then being flakey about another one, made an excuse, and I'm 99.9% sure he was lying...
I'm similar to you me and my STBXH were together 9 years and I never imagined he could cheat on me, and after only 1 year of marriage he began an affair. He didn't seem the type at all, and it completely shocked everyone who knew him. I'm now worrying this will affect me as I was always completely trusting in a relationship!

Jolly I am definitely going to make him work for it now, I feel I have taken a step back from how smitten I was a couple of months ago which I suppose is a much better place to be in! I'm going to hold off sleeping with him though as much as I want to as I feel as though it's been "reset" now as we haven't seen each other for a few months so it's almost back to 'Date 1' again.

Those are some fairly big red flags Meg! If you do go for it, make sure he does the work.

Reddish! Sorry but this drives me crazy! My new memo to myself is that I should try to not be too casual and hope that the relationship fades away, if I'm not completely keen on it Yes, you should! Hoping that a relationship wil fade away is not fair on anyone. If things aren't going well, talk about them and if they are still not, then end it.

Well, Bacon has not even read my message of 8.20 about my poor sore throat but then he's not been online either. I did have another thought that he opened up a LOT on Sunday about all kinds of personal things as well as talking my ear off about many other things. He apologised by text later for "frying my brain" but I wonder if he's feeling...guilty? Or that he bored me? Or whatever and is backing off because of that.

Not that any of that changes how I should react (breezy! positive! Look at me and my Amazing Life!) but it makes me feel a bit more compassionate towards him, which is a nicer place to be.

314 Probably telling their mum they just had a mushroom cup a soup and their dad whatsapped them to say the shed is a mess. That made me roar, thank you! Tis true, most of what I do on WhatsApp is inane beyond belief...but then there's the dating chat too. It does seem to be the default app for dating chat...I hate my brain...

Yeh reddish if you don't want a fourth date or a fifth date I really think you owe it to the woman to pluck up the courage it takes to say ''well, we aren't as well suited as I thought we'd be/ I don't feel invested in to a future here/ or I fear I'd be wasting your time here................. Awkward. Embarrassing. But just do it.

I've always felt better afterwards myself. I've had to do it. It's worth it for the 'phew' that comes afterwards. You tell somebody that they definitely won't be hearing from you again. And then although your cheeks are still burning hot from the major cringe you can let it go. Stop thinking about it. Because it's not on your conscience that you did a crappy thing!

Would it not be on a man's conscience then? the slow fade away? I guess men think that that's ok!

I don't know if men get this or not but I really, really, really hate when you just have to try and figure it out. Because obviously there comes a point when you stop caring but in the lead up to not caring it's invevitable that you drive yoruself MAD trying to figure it out.

oh actually, reddish I read your post not the quote of your post and I think you were saying this anyway. ''cruel to be kind''.

Yes, when H dumped me, he just got in there first really. I'd been googling ''by which date should you feel a connection'' as I hadn't felt it grow, it seemed to be dwindling not growing so I knew it was wrong. but I liked him, so I was trying to figure out if I was being too fussy.... and while I was figuring that out he dumped me. Pretty efficiently. But I was glad of it. God if he had just ''faded away'' it would have been very hard.

For the craic like

Loch Ness Monstering - Hankering after someone who doesn’t really exist.

Mummifying - Playing out Oedipal issues in a relationship.

Anaconda-ing When you feel suffocated in a relationship, with no way out.

Triffiding - handywoman Dating someone who never leaves their flat. (Although they’re starting to grow on you.)

Frankensteining - The controlling partner who is trying to turn you into something you’re not.

Vampiring -That guy who just keeps coming back for more.

Sharknado-ing - Is this guy for real?!

Paranormal Activitying The partner who likes a camera in the bedroom.

Aliening - When you date your French exchange but can’t really make sense of what they’re saying, but stick with it because they’re pretty fit.

Predatoring They vanish for no reason and reappear when you least expect.

Shining-ing They were never the same after that ski trip.

Jawsing Just when you thought it was safe to go back on Facebook ...

Walking Deading - You know it’s over, yet you stumble on through.

Hanniballing - A love so all-consuming that you feel like you’ve been eaten alive. Then spat out. Is your partner partial to a chianti?

Freaky and 314, I fully expected to be flamed. I do have guilty feelings about having pulled back and then, as a consequence, reacting to what happens. But its not only men who do it, as its happened to me in the past from women. The danger is that that if it does, it becomes part of dating (un)acceptable practice. Rule 2 applies unfortunately.

Sorry, it sounds like I'm trying to defend myself. I'm not.

I've done a u-turn as well in the past, at what point do you 'owe' a man an explanation? after one date? two dates? So I do think about that and how I've felt that I don't owe anybody any explanations when I don't hear back from somebody.

This is just wishful thinking being a woman but I wish men would be clearer before they sleep with a woman... will sex cause them to pull back? if it does they sure as hell owe it to the woman to let her know. But back in the real world find me a woman who hasn't had to figure that shit out on her own, to the soundtrack of silence. It's not just that it's going nowhere after all, it's that the woman is cast in to the role of the rejectee, the man the rejector. It is so unspeakably shit I don't know how we women get back up time and time again to fight another round. I really don't.

Ah, that wasn't a flaming Reddish, just a light singeing! Seeing as you said you weren't going to do it again....

Well, reply from Bacon, again about how busy he is at work. Nice enough but zero flirt. It's literally like talking to a different person from the guy I was bantering with last week... I've been ultra breezy in my response and super nice too, saying I'm sure he'll cope, given that he's so awesome...

GAH! I really want to just ASK him what the hell is going on?! Maybe he'll just say "hey, I was freaking out cos of XYZ" or "I was trying to dial back on the flirting cos we were moving too fast" and then I can reassure him and we can go back to where we were. Cos I liked it there! It just feels so weird to pretend that I haven't noticed any difference. Next time we meet, I am going to have to bring it up with him...it's just going to be a giant festering elephant in the room if I don't...

(I am actually alright today, by the way. Not happy, obvs, but not an anxious mess)

freaky if I've read this correctly he didn't message you about the sore throat for hours then when he did send you a message you sent one straight back? Next time he sends a message what if you don't send one back for a while, I mean hours?
I'm suggesting you turn the tables and make him wonder about you and your amazing life.
Could that work?

Yeah, that's right Anna. He messaged me to say good morning and how was I? I replied about the sore throat, then he read and responded at lunchtime and I replied pretty much straight away (after 5 mins or so of going "WTAF do I say to that?!")
He's clearly just firing messages into the ether and not caring if I reply or not. Not looking for a conversation. But still keeping in touch?!

But, I didn't reply to his message of yesterday evening (cos I really couldn't think of a response and then I went to the gym, wigged out and talked to my mum! Amazing Life!) and he messaged again to say good morning today. So I am playing it fairly cool.

hahahahahaha for 'I don't want to mention what's going on with CI to my therapist'

I tried to slip the issue in, in passing. Right at the start of the session. She stopped me dead in my tracks (that's her speciality) and took me right to the heart of the issue, which is about me, and how I seek very strong/deep attachments very quickly. And that all relates to my relationship with my mother which is a result of her putting everything into being a SuperMum and totally subjugating her own emotional needs. And that need for very strong/quick attachments is something I need to look after and be aware of (something there for you, too, perhaps Freaky??) She was a actually very impressed about me getting into the Real Zone with CI and says I am already thinking about this pattern and breaking the cycle and she agrees with my decision not to throw the baby out with the bath water with CI.

holy flipping moly.

it's so true what they say, the less you want to go to therapy, the more you get out of it.

a massive penny has dropped. lots to ponder and might be enough to get me off the WTF bench.....

end of psychoanalysis update. as you were....

hahaha to triffiding thanks for that

I think try and leave a longer response time between replies, Freaky although good that you left last night's unreplied to. Do we reckon dating was easier before the world of text and whatsapp?

Freaky can you turn off those whatsapp notifications? Can you hand your phone over to a friend for rationing?

reddish are you seeing your lady again? Do you guys have plans?

Meg yes I would go along on Sunday but just keep a bit of distance. Dress to impress but keep your wits about you and (to quote Amy Young) dont give too many f*cks

I can't really turn off notifications now Handy. We've talked about it and he'd know I'd done it and have something to hide.
I'm really not obsessing over my phone though, honest! The pattern at the mo is he fires a message off into the ether...I reply....it goes unread (1 grey tick) until which time he decides to reply...lather, rinse, repeat. He's not online in between those times, but is still online for a bit after he's messaged me but I am clinging to the fact that there could be a reasonable explanation for that.

I did just send him an article though... It was in reference to something that we'd talked about at the weekend and I thought it might show that my brain is not fried by him and also that I am interested in more than just sex (in case he's still dwelling on that...)

Handy Sounds like a productive session with your therapist and you are handling it so well. Happy pondering! I hope we'll all be off the WTF bench and back on the swooning bench soon. Swooning bench was fun!

It's a funny list isn't it!?

MrCanceller was a walking dead fan. So it's funny that he zombied me twice. The second time I ignored. Enough's enough

I have my own personal TwixMentor PM'ing me and holding my hand. She was on this thread but had been in a relationship with the TwixTwin for a fair while now. Her support is super amazing. Our stories are so similar. She's been there. You know you are 👍 Ooh I just called him Twix (for now haha). Feeling happy and calm!!

God I could really do with a chat with my therapist now. But I think she would be impressed how far I've come in the last five years since I saw her. You lot have been just as wise! but much warmer and more clued in to OLD

No, you know what, actually, I don't need her. I just need a little bit of time.

Why was he re-named handy?

You have all of my sympathies waving

If your sister mocked MTG then that's very disrespectful to you, as I know you know. Does she not see that you're happy!!?

We'll be your sistaz! :-p I've love to meet an MTG