Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Hello! can I join in?

I have a question as you're all obviously very wise in the ways of dating. I went on a first date with a man from an app on Sunday, he was in touch straight afterwards said he had fun etc, we've kept on chatting - but no mention of a second date (or not).

What do you reckon?

Hello. I'm joining up if that's ok. Started OLD a month or so ago, have had two dates. One with Massive Hands Farmer who I met in a city not far from me, I lost track of time, asked him to check the train times for me while I went to the loo and I think he lied, so I missed the last train home. Think he was after me coming back to his... However I spent £45 on a taxi home and promptly blocked him.
Met Mr Chef yesterday for lunch, seems nice, conversation flowed, he's asked me for a second date which I've agreed to.
But it's just such bloody hard work, am thinking of just raising an army of cats to keep me company instead!

Hello Asking if he's messaging you still does he seem keen?
If so then I'd just ask him if you think you might meet up again and see what he says.

And hello dotty it is hard work but invariably there is one diamond in the rough. Trouble is, you've sometimes got to do a lot of digging.
You did well to get away from the heavy handed farmer.
Different people on here do things differently but I like to message for a bit before I go out with someone in an effort to weed out the obvious weirdos.

Anna we had texted for about two weeks and I thought he seemed rather normal! Need to crank up my weirdo detector I think!

Not necessarily Dotty it happens even with much messaging.
You do seem to have your head screwed on so when you get there you can spot a red flag.

Asking, I don't think there's any harm in suggesting a 2nd date or at least floating it as a possibility. Was it mentioned at all on your first date?

Well MrIT has slipped a little, he didn't message much yesterday and I haven't heard from him at all today. He reckons he's really busy so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt today and this evening but if I don't hear from him tomorrow

Thanks! I felt a bit unsure as I suggested the first one (well he'd mooted something the week before which I couldn't do, and then wasn't forthcoming - maybe didn't want to seem pushy) but I guess I should. I just don't know what the etiquette is - why keep talking if you've met and you didn't want to meet again?

Anyway I've been having a day off messaging him, may drop him a line this evening.

DottyButtons, wow, he lied about the last train home! Good call blocking him. He cost you £45 wow.

I feel so depressed about Bear, or IPEAR43 changing his status to looking for a relationship. I was ok dealing with my own stupidity not walking away from him sooner, but I had thought at least he was a fundamentally a good man. Now I'm trying to make sense of whether or not he's deliberately trying to reel in women who want a relationship even though he doesn't, or, all along he was open to a relationship but not with me

I'm going to have my dinner and let it all land (thoughts, dinner, digestion in the brain, heart, stomach) and then I'm going to work it out in a 60 minute fitness blender HIIT & cardio abs own bodyy weight routine. I won't feel ok until after the workout and then i will feel ok.

right now i feel duped, foolish, disappointed in him and in my judgement.

Oh 314. it's not you, it's him. Who the fuck knows what goes through their stupid heads? It is possible that he's a good, but confused bloke that doesn't know what he wants and is just trying out all the options. Just cos someone has put "wants a relationship" on POF, doesn't mean that they actually do, or are capable of having one...

314 could it be that bear has changed his status to 'looking for a relationship' because he's realised that's what most women want even though he's not really looking for a relationship?

He certainly wouldn't be the first man to to that would he?

I agree with AlaughAMinute, I reckon that's what he's done.

I know alaugh, I'm struggling to figure out if he lied to me all along, either the rejection was much more personal than I thought, or he just wants to reel women in, you know. He had two women blow him off in the space of a day for the same reason basically.

I was dealing ok with my having been stupid, ie, not having followed rule number 14 (is it) but I thought that he was a great guy, a real one-off, a gentle honest interesting self-aware man. I feel so duped.

I am fighting a strong urge to send him a message now and ask him if he lied to me, was he in fact open to a relationship all along but all that time (9 months) certain that I was not the one. The rejection was specific. It was personal. If I'd known that I would have walked away sooner. It would have been better for me to have known that the rejection of me was in fact personal, not general IDWARness.

Or, is it strangers he's planning to mislead - knowing as he does how that hurt me

Trying to figure it out. Is he actually a fucking arsehole?

Here's my take on it, 314

I am 100.0% sure of this: he's been on the same app for quite a while, there's not much fresh blood at the minute so he has changed his status to get more dating app action. Remember that woman who blocked him when he fessed up to being an IDWAR? That will have fed into this decision. In his tiny little mind he is probably convinced that no relationship is a relationship and so probably feels his conscience is clear. But it isn't. I wish we could leave feedback on dating sites!!!

It's a dirty trick for someone who is, in principle a confirmed IDWAR.

It's absolutely not you.

I won't of course. I won't contact him. No way. What he says to women I don't know is none of my business.

Also - to the newbies. Yey!! Will check back later, after choir...

Hi everyone!

I have not had time to catch up on the thread just yet so sorry for the extra long, figuring-my-shit-out-as-I-go "me post"..

I had date #6 with Karmic yesterday and although it did not go wrong I am a bit on the fence with it all today. I do not know if it is the end (already!) of the honeymoon stage and reality has kicked in. Or if the more I get to know him I discover that we are very different people and I am not sure where and how we could build bridges or if it is even worth trying to. Meh..

The overall context is not helping as he is shattered because of work and slightly bored with it whereas I am riding a very positive wave, feeling excited with life in general and a new job to look forward to. So we are coming from pretty much polar opposite situations. But still, I think in general, he tends to worry easily, not in the pessimistic sense, more like there is always a bunch of stuff hanging out at the back of his mind. He also spaces out A LOT, to the point that when he is tired, it is quite difficult to have a conversation flowing. I end up feeling like I am making all the effort there and it is not really fun... It might say a lot about me and my neediness but I want someone who is bloody present and focused. I feel taken for granted and kind of ornamental - you know like the cactus you have around because it is nice to have a plant, not because you need a cactus in your life. Which is probably a massive overreaction on my part because I know he does want me. Anyways, I am going out of town until next Monday so I am planning to leave him all the space he needs to sort his work out, rest and daydream as much as he wants.

Ishoo #2 is his lack of self-confidence. I think he has got me on a pedestal and treats me like I am Einstein. It is even getting to the point that he avoids all "intellectual" topics or he just sits there like he wants a lecture. But he does not engage! It is boring and I feel rather silly on that pedestal. Help - how do I take myself off it? First time sex was also not great (hello Freaky & Bacon!). I tried to shrug it off in a "no big deal" way but I do not think it really worked. Project "building up Karmic's self esteem" is off the table but is there a way to make him understand that it is a turn off and he needs to work on that? Or alternatively just stop devaluing himself out loud because that is more likely to make me run a mile than what he thinks he is lacking? (Which he is most definitely not btw!)

Ishoo #3 is entirely mine - I am having a really hard time opening up to him and I know it is bothering him. I am freaking out at the idea of getting hurt and if there is a happy medium between having my guard up to my teeth and dropped down to my ankles, I am yet to find it. In the words of AY, if I open the flood gates, there will be a flood. I am not a steady little stream person. At all. but he has asked that I communicate more, so I need to make progress.. does anybody have any tips?

On the positive side of things we had the exclusivity/delete dating apps chat and we are on the same page. I know he is keen to see where this is going long-term and the Thing is slowly starting to look like a relationship.

So meh, meh, meh all around meh here. I am still hopeful but it is not going to be smooth sailing all the way to Happily Ever After Land..

Ok, wigging out again. I think that Bacon is talking to someone else on WhatsApp. He's pretty much told me that he only talks to me on there and that's been born out by his activity on there for the past couple of weeks.
However, for the past couple of days, he's been online for a few mins after sending me a message. It's almost as if he is using the cover of sending me a message to send someone else a message without me being suspicious of when he is online. He just sent me something really offhand, the spent the next 5 mins online.
Am I being ridiculously paranoid to think he's setting up another date for the weekend, when I am not around?
Ffs, we had the chat and I believed him and I still do at heart. I think. I am just so confused and hurt by his behaviour over the past couple of days and there's nothing I can do about it without appearing stupidly needy, is there? I suppose I could go back on Tinder to see if he is there but then he'd see me too....and if I can't trust him, what's the bloody point anyway?

Oh god, Jollyx! What is going on?! why can't these things just be bloody easy?!

Oh JollyX come join me on the WTF bench... More on that later....

Meantime, Freaky - stop. Breathe - in through the nose and out through the mouth. Done it???? Good.

So, re Bacon. This is going to sound brutal but the truth is we can't really trust any of these blokes. Not after 3 dates. No way Jose. We can only make a judgement based on a reasonable assessment of the myopic view of these men that we have. It's a week on Saturday. Just stay on here and get your crazy out. And step away from the phone. In fact leave your phone locked in a drawer. Do not take it to the gym.

But when you get on your phone we are ALL HERE FOR YOU.

and [sedatives]

I have had millions of these wig outs re Twix. They come along with the territory of liking them.... Horrible... More

314 don't contact him.
If he was IDWAR for 9 months with you he's an arsehole.
For my money 9 months with someone is a relationship and his refusal to acknowledge that makes him an arsehole.
If he's on POF saying he does WAR when he doesn't he's an arsehole.
Either way, the result is the same. He's still an arsehole.
If you message him you begin a dialogue with him during which he isn't going to be honest with you so you won't have any clearer answer than you do now.

I know this is the usual advice but do something that is going to make you feel better instead.

Freaky I don't know enough about Whatsapp but is it possible to show as active for a few minutes even when you aren't?

Jollyx you aren't going to be able to open up to him if he's got you on a pedestal.
Do you want to put the time in to unravelling this? Is he worth it?