Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

freaky back away from the phone and leave it. Just do it. You know what you need to do. Sorry but you know you do.
You're 3 dates in. You were fabulous before you met him. You're still fabulous. Give him space.
The brutal truth is if he is distancing himself there is absolutely nothing you can do. But If he wants to be with you, he will be with you. Stressing over the messages is not going to change any outcome. This two week space could be a godsend if I'm honest.
Chill. You're going to be fine.

you will be fine freaky. this is the eye of the feeling shit storm. You're right in its pinnacle now. Uncertainty aint fun. You will feel more accepting by tomorrow. Can you do a workout tomorrow, or go for a run? run off the stress?.

I think, for now, believe that it is just maintenance mode and try not to see maintenance mode as an insult.

Don't send an ''everything ok?'' message whatever you do.

Pretend you're so involved with your own fabulous life that you haven't noticed his texts are fewer and less affectionate. I know, you'd have to be blind and stupid not to notice but I think you have two choices. Either, send a needy text (and that's how he'd see it) and make him panic and decide 'whoah it's alll too much for me etc...) or........... just WAIT and see how he feels at teh end of two weeks. you might decide that that you've had it up to here with men distancing themselves after sex and tell him to fuck off and when he gets there fuck off again.

ah right waving

the enigma is more intriguing than the facts
May's photo should be good

This uncertainty is horrible Freaky . I've had it a few times after a couple of dates and sometimes after dtd, sometimes not, but it's an awful sinking feeling no matter what the scenario. The way I have dealt with it previously is to prepare myself for the worst case - ghosting or slow fading. You can't do anything to change what he is thinking so you have to get on with it as best you can. By preparing for the worst, it can help to stop you getting more emotionally invested until you know what is going on. Whatever happens you will be ok .

sassy is there a reason why it will never go anywhere with mrfrench?

handy hope your evening isn't too [heather] cataclysmic ........... I have another gypsy feeling.

I agree freaky definitely no "is everything OK" text. No reply he can give will make you feel better. The only thing that will do that is if his texts go back to how they were. So you'll have made yourself look needy for no reason at all. Just keep being yourself, the person he met and liked, don't get dragged into playing games.

sassy it was about the since behind online dating. Very helpful information on matching systems, profile pictures and what kind of wording sells yourself the best way. Quite informative, but the conclusion at the end was basically this: you can do all the right things online but it all comes down to chemistry in the brain at the end of it when you actually meet!!

Science not since.

Link please traffic!!!

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0791nhx

Should take you to an iplayer link 😊

Morning all! And you are all totally, completely right. I will send nothing of an even slightly needy nature. Thing is Jolly, it kind of feels like playing games NOT to go "hey, is everything OK?" cos things are so blatantly different but I do know that that would be the wrong thing to do. You're right though, I just need to be the (fabulous, thanks Sassy!) person that he likes and hope for the best.
314, I do feel more accepting today and off to the gym tonight. Need me some endorphins!
And I have already had more messages from Bacon this morning than I had in the whole of yesterday. Still not overly affectionate or flirty but chattier. And I had a couple of revelations this morning 1) I told him that we'd built up the sex thing too much so it's no wonder that he's dialled back the flirts and 2) I think he's a bit jealous of my amazing life. I am off to see family this weekend and I know he misses his. So maybe that's part of it. Who knows?! Will try not to overthink (ha!)
Anyway, much , and all round you lovely lot.

Hello all

Well I sloped on up to CI last night, I wasn't feeling it - the motivation- to go. And I didn't know why the hell I was going. I had to muster up the strength to pack an overnight bag and wasn't really feeling like I would necessarily stay over. My strategy ended up being this : be real......

So we got there with only the vague idea of going to his local pub. He ended up buying me dinner. He has a mental inventory of all our texts and asks me in forensic detail about every point where I've said I've had a crap day or whatever. So I was honest about being very upset about the Prince death situation. Which we discussed, talked about grieving etc. But he also remembered I had had a shit day before the news broke. And he asked me about that too. Knowing that I was probably feeling crap about the 'low effort' mantra. So I was real and said yeah it made me feel not special. And that 48hrs later I had cried about that. He just nodded (!!!) He apologised for making it seem I had to get outa the house the next morning. In the Context of the low effort convo I took it bad and sprinted the next morning when he implied we (I?) were leaving it tight for time to meet his son in the morning for the school run. In short I made sure he knew I'm not the uber sorted hardcore strong person I come across as.... I kinda knew I had given that impression while being a Labrador.

I didn't feel much like drinking so was still safe to drive home. We actually switched the telly on to catch 'Flowers' which was lovely. Really chilled and 'normal''.

The I didn't know what to do, while he let his dog out I put my shoes on and said 'I might go home, I don't know what to do, I don't k ow whether I should stay or go'

To which he looked a bit gutted that I might leave and then said 'come 'ere' and grabbed me for a very sweet cuddle and said 'oh I thought you were all strong and sorted' to which I said 'no you got me mixed up with someone else'. He says feck all but I knew he wanted me to stay. We both got ready for bed, relationship stylee, and spent the night together. It was lovely.

At work now. Feeling strangely more secure but that I also might be a total mug.....

.... Have decided to go with the flow. Am seeing flaws with him left right and centre. Am not idolising him. I am in the real zone. And watching and seeing... He is not quite Twix yet, but closer. He is definitely on the spectrum. He mentioned last night he thinks sometimes that he is Spectrummy and I nodded and he laughed and said 'you're supposed to stop nodding' haha....

Feel like there as affection from him last night even in the absence of the right words.

Am I being a mug guys????? You can tell me, I can take it from you....!!! I can!!!

handy it sounds like it was a nice and normal evening 😊 I don't know your back story and this thread is too long to find it on my phone!
Fwiw I like going with the flow. It's going to be my new thing. I'm always so worried about where something is going and it's made me edgy in all my relationships which makes them crappy because I end up being needy and annoying. I don't want to be that person!

It's good to see someone's flaws. You're meant to know them and love them despite the flaws aren't you? My last guy I saw on flaws whatsoever until about a year in and then my world came crashing down around me because he had many flaws, many of them unsavoury and EA - and then I was in a right mess.

I want to be on a date and think after an hour "I HATE the way he does that thing, but he's still really funny" or whatever!

I don't think you are a mug Handy. Things do sound "real" now, you're showing him who you really are and taking him off his pedestal.
I'm not really sure why you feel like you might be a mug, to be honest! You feel happy and secure, that's got to be good!

Handy I think it sounds like you handled it all really well. I'm a firm believer in showing the "real" you once you're a few weeks into a relationship, because being super-cool and strong is a touch façade to maintain if it's not genuine. And also, we can't blame people for treating us a certain way if we don't tell them we don't like it!

It sounds as if the way he's behaving is just him, and not a reflection of the strength of feeling he has for you. I also agree he sounds a bit "spectrummy". My brother was on the spectrum (diagnosed retrospectively after his death) and the way he handled relationships sound very like your CI. But I can tell you for certain that whilst the women he dated may have felt "not-special", he really did love and care about them, he just didn't articulate it in a way they recognised.

Relationships eh - I reckon I could live 1000 years and still discover new ways that people do things!!

Handy I'm another one who doesn't think you're being a mug! It sounds very encouraging and this realness will hopefully lead to something more substantial.

Freaky I like your reasoning and your revelations this morning, it sounds likely that's where he's at so you are doing all the right things by cracking on with your amazing life

Freaky I hope you are ok.

I have been the Queen of Insecurity over the last two months. It's awful. Try and hang on in there.

Jolly, I agree with everyone else that it's best not really to say anything about his comment. I could be wrong, but it may be that he was actually complimenting you in a roundabout (ie wrong) way on your wishing to tear his clothes off, in a ‘you’re not like ordinary girls you’re so special’ sort of way. He could also be wanting to say that your relationship is special in that its far better than any run of the mill, average one.

Sassy, Your post about the anger was very provocative to me, in a positive way. My initial reaction was that I had probably provoked her to the state, and then I realised that this was a very unhealthy reaction on my part, as victims of an abuser can react in exactly the same way. However it did cause me to reflect on some of the other background issues which have undoubtedly accidentally added to her stress in the last few weeks, probably caused by me wanting to take the relationship my own way. I think that there are two separate issues running in parallel and the sex and anger are only one part. I agree wholeheartedly that there is no excuse for anger in these circumstances, and that in a relationship people have to be able to talk things through calmly and acknowledge that whilst something maybe no big deal to one party, it can be an enormous thing to the other. The only thing tangible which I have is a possibility of a meeting, after a break. The intensity of the relationship was such that it's difficult to remember that it's less than 72 hours since our last conversation. I want to reflect further on these developing thoughts, the intensity of my pushing the relationship being the main one.

And it's good to hear, Sassy, about mrfrench.

Gast Just remember that the low bits make the high bits feel even better

Freaky Glad you stopped yourself from texting last night!

Handy It sounds like the evening went rather well. These impromptu times for you to each bare a bit of your souls add to the connection between you. You're definitely not being a mug.

I really am ok today, thanks Handy! I'm sure I can have many more wigouts before next Sat but for today, I am feeling alright.

you might decide that that you've had it up to here with men distancing themselves after sex and tell him to fuck off and when he gets there fuck off again.

314 I laughed out loud at that advice. It's spot on but so eloquently put. french will go nowhere because he is 10 years younger, and will want kids one day. We get on really well despite the age gap but this will not turn into something serious. I'm not even thinking about it that's how easy it is. We shall see each other when we see each other and it will naturally evolve or not.

freaky well done on not sending that text. Be you. Be fabulous. I think 314 put it so well. Let him use the space to figure out what's what and decide if he wants to up his came. I don't think it's game playing, I think you're three dates in and expectations are too high. I tell you, texting and this always on stuff cause problems.

traffic thanks for the link. Sounds interesting.

handy why does that make you a mug? You like him, so you stayed the night. Sounds perfectly grown up and mature to me.

reddish I'm glad it was provocative. It was meant to be. I think you sound very patient and understanding. I can be both, but never if someone chooses to react that way. Be careful.
Her issues are her issues, she doesn't have a right to use them to make other people feel bad. 3 months in and no sex? Sod that.

In other news. Two other ex (therefore no longer irons) have popped up.

One texted me to say he drove past where we had a coffee and he was thinking of me / how am I? (This is the one who previously sent me a message meant for another woman). I just about managed to not reply asking him if he'd sent this one correctly. So I deleted instead.

The other has asked when I am around as he hasn't seen me for a while. I plan to ignore.

I'm in true bitch mode. They always up their game when you walk away and ignore. Not playing these childish games anymore. If I ever do OLD again, my tagline will be only grown ups need apply.

waving I could try and have 'the talk' about where this relationship is heading except that I, er, tried that last week and it didn't go to well did it!!!!! It's like we are talking different languages...... So I feel nothing has changed which is why I feel like I might be being a mug? Except that I felt some affection last night even though it didn't come in the form of words. So I don't know if he's still or ever gonna give me what I want(ed originally) but something made me go there last night. I think the key thing will be whether my feelings of insecurity or non special-ness will stay say for the the rest of the week or whether they will re- emerge.

Sorry for being so selfish since last week I will try hard to catch up with everyone's stuff properly later at work now and shouldn't be on my phone

Right sassy i hear you, my next ''date" is with a 29 year old but he seems a laugh and I need a laugh and I've told him repeatedly that this is a drink and a chat and he responds ''ouch''. So there's no scope for misunderstand.

Talking of misunderstandings.............. for some stupid reason I checked out Bear's profile on POF to see if there were any changes and lo and behold now he is looking for a relationship

Jesus. So that's a lot to digest. Either he was all along but not with me or he is fickle enough to have changed his mind in the last fortnight (seems unlikely) or he wasn't getting enough responses / messages with 'hang out' so he changed it just to get people to talk to him. ARgh.

I'm glad I saw it. It winded me for a minute, I felt so duped, foolish, taken in, pathetic, rejected.......... but it's for the best that I saw that. It will move me along further, putting it behind me. What an arsehole. I thought he was God's gift 3 weeks.