Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

PS I don't have 3 dots , I have a paperclip? And don't get to an email option whatever I do :(

3 dots should be to the right of the paper clip? Are you on iPhone or Android?

freaky I hate that feeling when it feels like the conversation is tailing off after you've had sex and you feel needy.
This is easier said than done but take a breath and a step back and relax off your messaging, slow it down, leave a gap between receiving and sending the next message.
When you feel needy every message you send feels like you're pleading, even though the messages you are sending are in themselves probably innocuous and not needy at all.
It's hard to pull back and as I say I know exactly how you feel.
If it's meant to be then it will happen and yes, I do know how glib that sounds and how easy it is to say

Android - there is nothing to the R of the paperclip...

Anna’s right, Freaky. Men tend to be practical and women tend to be emotional. So what may be happening here is that he feels he’s not going to be seeing you for a couple of weeks, so he goes into maintenance mode and subconsciously is sending texts to keep things warm rather than build up to the excitement of seeing you again. It’s almost like “Hmm. Not going to be seeing Freaky for a couple of weeks so rather than having the distraction of her popping into my head every couple of minutes I can get on with considering how to draw up the plans for my new garden shed, and I’ll start thinking about her properly again a few days before we meet”. It’s a bit like multitasking, he can only have one major thought at a time whereas women can keep juggling all the primary thoughts at once.

So don’t overworry, go into maintenance mode yourself and the start ramping up a couple of days before you meet up.

Oh god, Freaky that's shit, I hope he picks up again. He is prone to his own wig outs don't forget. Can you call him??

I have no advice, apart from 1) breathe and 2) watch loads of Amy Young videos

AAARRRGGGHHH Freaky - sorry you are feeling like this

Ocelot, are you actually in the chat that you want to email? Are you running the latest version? Mine (also Android) is 2.16.13.

Thanks for talking me down everyone! You are all right. He is prone to wig outs and could have just had a busy/shit/tired day yesterday that meant he wasn't feeling like flirty chat.
Reddish, maintenance mode struck a chord as I do kind of think that's what he's doing. He knows he's got me, so has dialled down the effort...which feels a bit shit, to be honest. We're not going to see each other for a while but it would be nice to continue the momentum with messages and calls. But maybe things will pick up...

Anna, you're totally right about pulling back and staying breezy. My messages really have not been needy but they have definitely felt it!

Anyway, he messaged shortly after I posted my wig out to say good morning and sounds more like himself. I have replied (breeeeezily!) so we'll see how it pans out. I do feel a bit better now. If he was totally disinterested, he wouldn't bother messaging at all, would he?

Oh dear. Poor freaky. I agree, watch all of the Amy Young clips.

All you can do is pull back yourself and hope for the best. Are you going anywhere nice soon? send him a photo of it (no text)

I know you don't do multiple irons but please force yourself to meet somebody for coffee so that you are channelling 'a place of abundance'.

Why is it always like this after sex? Why does sex ruin everything. Men would be having more sex if they weren't so weird about it afterwards.

Reddish, can I ask what age you are? sometimes it would be useful to get an insight in to how a man thinks but obviously there is no one way a man thinks as there are so many stages in a man's life. As there are in a woman's.

eg, For a young woman, It's like she's got a blank slate. Fairy tale could still happen................ Prince with no kids himself could arrive and they do all the firsts together. ok, most of us here are not at that stage.

Then the next stage is Fucked up fairy tale with young kids. Emerging from the rubble. Psychologically and financially!

Then the next stage, the phoenix emerges from the rubble psychologically intact but either they meet a blank slate who has no kids but still wants them, or they meet somebody still in the rubble, or............. (Y) they meet another phoenix, hooray, but like bant, everybody's doing fine at this stage and nobody's gonna do anything crazy for luuuuurve, like RELOCATE, hell no!

anyway, what i mean is.......... what age are you. ball park. come on, cough it up.

reddish when you posted about your relationship the other day sassy said everything much better than I could have done.
I know I'm late with my opinion here but I've been thinking about it.

From my perspective female, heterosexual if I met a man who hadn't had sex with me for three months I would want to know why. I would assume erectile dysfunction and/or a history of bad experience or abuse. I would also assume there was something wrong or unattractive about me.
If he wouldn't talk about it and after 3 months we weren't getting close to that level of physical intimacy I'm afraid I would walk.

As sassy said, the communication is the key. If I knew there was something wrong then that can be addressed but if it can't be spoken about then there is no potential for resolution.
I know this probably doesn't help you but in your situation I would leave it.

I have a few irons but following my weekend dating frenzy I'm back to feeling not fussed about it all.
I'm going to sit it out on the friendship bench for a few days until I get my mojo back.

314 Meeting someone for coffee is not an option. We've both agreed we are not seeing/talking to anyone else so it would be dishonest to do that, and would be the end of anything. Plus, it would just confuse the hell out of me. Plus, I am now off all dating sites. Place of abundance just has to be My Amazing Life You're spot on with those life stages by the way.

Foxtrot I missed your post upthread but in answer to your question...we were cuddling overnight, there was some kissing in the morning but not in a sexy way, just affectionate, then he got up quite early and let me sleep on. I was miffed that we didn't get another chance for sex in the morning but he was clearly not up for it. And then the rest of Sunday, pretty much any physical contact was initiated by me, though we held hands when we walked. Nothing of a remotely sexual nature at all on Sunday. And I'm still not really sure why but I don't want to ask him about it again. The fact that he wanted to spend the day with me and stayed until 3pm has to be a good sign, right?

Anyway, enough Bacon related introspection! If you guys are still listening to me after two weeks of this, I owe you all a big

Handy Have you got a strategy re CI yet?

Muddling That's great about your first date! Hope the 2nd one gets sorted quickly.

OK! fair enough freaky I won't hassle you to meet up with strange men for coffee!

You just have to mentally put yourself back to where you were before you even met Bacon......... that's what I tried to do after H dumped me but that was only a bruised ego. Walking away from B much harder because I truly miss him . (missed him. past tense)

I appreciate the sentiment 314! It's just now that we've had the conversation, and he's had his wig out about it, it would be foolish to jeopordise things with Bacon by trying to see someone else.
I do need to get my positivity back. Remember how positive I was around the time I "met" him? Radiant with positivity! THAT'S where I need to be now. Things will be fine, he's a good guy, he likes me, we'll work shit out.

Handy, so are you going over to CI's house tonight? (I think of Criminal Informant when I read that). He's not very informative though.

Where you are now, it seems like there's still compatibility and attraction there, you just need to know if he's prepared to make any effort............ I wouldn't go in directly. I'd suggest a date to eat out in town. Going to the cinema. Meeting a friend.......... You'll get the information that way.

Freaky yes I hear that. At this stage, all you can do is ride out the uncertainty. But as the 29 year old said to me the other day when he was giving out to me for trying to ''systemize dating", the uncertainty is fun. no it fucking isn't

Yes, I kind of feel like I'm in a fish bowl after a while of dating and maybe it's a sign that it wasn't right with harry but by the time he ended it, there was a part of me that was thinking, phew, now I can sort out the mess in my son's bedroom, order that skip, do some exercise, sit about in tracksuit bottoms like a sweat demon with conditioner soaking in to my hair overnight, read to the end of that PILE of self-help books I've been hiding in my bedroom for the last 8 weeks, pull back on the beer , omg, for a few nights, hang out washing in the kitchen without worrying that my house/life looks mundane.......... So enjoy your two weeks of having nobody glancing in (even casually) to the bowl.

freaky I think maybe the fact that the sex wasn't great could be bothering him. Men seem to get very hung up about that, blaming themselves, feeling like a manhood failure, which would explain why he didn't risk initiating more sex last weekend. He's possibly pulling back as a result of that. I would try really hard to be normal with him, text as much as you used to, just to reassure and remind him that nothing has changed. It's not very "cool" but that's what I'd do.

Yeah Jolly, that would explain a LOT of his behaviour on Sunday and since. But hopefully MY behaviour on Sunday (kissing, hugs, touching, being slightly needy...) and since will reassure him that I am still very keen. Breezy normality will be the order of the day, I think. Show him that I am interested in HIM and not just the contents of his trousers...

What exactly happened that night Freaky like was it a complete disaster its difficult without some context.

I mean difficult to try and offer any advice without some context.

I really don't want to say too much Ciao, it was just generally a bit fumbly and unsatisfying for both of us. Not awful, no freaky shit, but I don't think it was the best performance from either of us and there's scope for us both to feel a bit rejected.

freaky men do the weird pulling away thing all the time. Especially when they feel like it's going somewhere. They get all spooked and deliberately cool it to see how they feel about it. They are about as dumb as we are emotional. 😉

Nothing at all from Beaver so if he does text me again I'm going to either ignore him or tell him I'm not interested. Depends on my mood on the day!
I've been thinking about Managerman alot!! Surprised myself actually. Can't really go anywhere or do anything with him as he is my Manager and only 24. 😂😂

Everything else is quiet. No messages anywhere!! I've been really inactive though.

Did anyone watch that Horizon dating thing last night? Was kind of interesting!!

314, I've been rumbled!

At the risk of being recognised in RL, I'm mid 50s with 3 kids, late teens / early 20s. And I agree with your analysis of the stages of life. Certainly, everyone of my age has got some baggage of one type or another, myself included , and it's just the question of trying to find someone with an acceptable amount. So the younger a person is, the more of a blank slate they have, but as they get older they can look back on experience and analyse what has gone on or what is now going on. However, the ability to analyse is probably countered by someone being set in their ways and it's the old story that someone can only change if they want to change.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments, Anna. I suspect she may have a suspicion that there is something ‘wrong’ with her, and this is causing the shutters to come down and the refusal to talk. It would also explain her comments that we don't know each other well enough for sex. What she possibly means is that we don’t know each other well enough to talk about a possibly traumatic (to her) problem. If something like this were to emerge, I then have a decision to make as to whether to help with the problem (ie put up with it until it's resolved) or walk away. Again, if the case, I am sympathetic as I’ve got my own set of deeply buried neuroses which only occasionally have to bubble to the surface before I push them back down again. But could I leave it for three months with no progress reports as to progress if any? I know what the sensible answer is.

Freaky I don’t know how old Bacon is but at my age, there is sometimes a vast reluctance to rise to the occasion especially in the early stages of a relationship. Nothing can be done about it even after an hour’s concerted efforts by both parties. This does get better and there are fewer times of initial reluctance and if so, attention paid can be rewarded quite quickly. Perhaps this was the case and he was inwardly walking around all day muttering “shit. shit . shit” at his frustration. Certainly hanging around for the rest of the day is a positive sign! Jolly has got it right.

Can anyone help me with a wobble I'm having? I've been seeing this man for a month now. It's going really well, we've really clicked, he's lovely, funny, attentive, keen, pays me compliments, wants to see me etc. We've had lots of great sex, and I haven't held back about my enthusiasm for this and my appreciation of his "technique" - so he knows I think he's great in bed, and he says the same about me.

But yesterday he pissed me off. In the course of a text exchange he basically said that he only has to look at me and I want to rip his clothes off, or words to that effect. I suggested that that was a bit presumptuous, but he clearly didn't get that I was a bit annoyed, and continued to text as normal. I left a very long gap in texts later in the day (not a deliberate thing, just didn't know what to say) but he didn't ask about it, so I didn't raise the issue.

We have quite a bantering friendship, with some light hearted teasing, and maybe that remark was par for the course, but for some reason it irritated me. It made me feel taken for granted, and like I was just so easy that no effort was required.

The problem is I am under a huge amount of stress at work, and also have some family issues going on that are taking a lot of my time, and I'm completely exhausted. I know I'm not seeing things clearly, and I'm overreacting to things that wouldn't usually bother me, which is why I adopted the "least said soonest mended" approach yesterday.

But I'm wondering if I should say something about it. Would it annoy any of you, or am I being over-sensitive, and getting upset about something that is obviously just a light hearted joke?