Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

In other news my date tonight has asked if he can meet me off the bus from work instead of the pub!

Freaky if as 314 suggests I don't see him for years (sob!) then its good if he remembers me as he saw me last night....& that I remember his eyes tracking me while i was being nonchalant & oblivious of him

But I do still want to see him...but will just have to sit on my hands for now & see if he contacts me

Waving last night was so so much better! There's a post up thread just before midnight...
But I still feel spooked by Saturday night...
Btw do you ever think of Soho I'm thinking not! :) if I dont hear from M* I hope I will meet an MTG equivalent soon!

Meanwhile Scot who was sending voice WhatsApps every day has gone quiet since friday - though had daid he was heading back to Yorks this week...and wanted to meet BH weekend.

The questions on okcupid are really depressing.

"would you have sex with somebody you hated?". Yes says a guy who sent me a message.

ocelot do sit on those hands. Guess who emailed me this morning? Mr Canceller. Now, I don't feel inclined to give him another chance. He cancelled dinner at his house, I don't know if you remember that, about a month ago now I'd say on the grounds that I hadn't replied to his email (except I had). I think he's got too many walls up around himself. I can't go there. I can't fix anybody. I need a normal sane person who is ready for a relationship and doesn't need to be bullied in to one

Hi all, God I try but can't keep up with this thread!!! But even just reading it is so useful, pick up so many tips, links to read other things etc, so thank you all!

Pleased for those of you with dates that have gone well. anna I'd be so tempted to do a blunt reply then block! reddish I'm sorry your conversation turned out as it did, but for me that sexual connection has to be there, and it sounds like it's important to you too.

waving regards meeting your children, I think it's great that they've asked. Like you say, when you know, you know. Your judgement seems very sound with this and with him.

My current thing I keep pondering is, when you've been through the mill with separation, children etc, is it unrealistic to feel head over heels about someone in a heady kind of way we did when we were in the first throes of young love?! Or do (understandable) barriers and self protection mechanisms prevent this?

I say this as someone who is 8 dates in with someone if I'm truthful I really really like and I really look forward to seeing him. But, in between seeing him, I pick holes in it all the time and argue with myself that he's not right for me. I don't feel that heady rush of excitement and all consuming thoughts. But if I stand back and look at it, I think I could fall quite deeply for him in a really meaningful way as although he's nothing like I would have picked for myself in RL, he is such a good, honest and kind man. And the physical thing is definitely there. I guess it's about accepting it's a different life stage and its fine to feel afraid and cautious....

How does Canceller explain his silence & change of heart?

You must respond as you feel....I think I am sensible with regards to anyone other than M... but that's just the current situation - friends have remarked how I'm different with a bf... & not in a good way! :(

Yes, 314 what did Canceller say? I think you are right not to go there.

Ocelot I think, if you can manage it, that you need to accept that that might be the last time you see M and draw a line under it. You've actually left it in quite a good place, he's seen you being out and happy and sociable and you've managed to exchange some civilised words...that's not a bad ending. Not great, obviously but not bad. Are you going to pursue things with Scot? He seemed nice.

reddish thank you for the male insight! It does help. I think I probably did put too much pressure on him, basically dragging him upstairs and then the morning after being all like "well, that wasn't great, was it?!?" (I'm overstating both of those for comic effect btw!) But the plan for next time will definitely, definitely be just to enjoy each other's company, take things slowly and see what happens. Best for both of us I think.

Waving You and MTG sound so good! I'm sure you'll manage the introduction to kids thing well, you're both sensible. I'm envious of the ability to meet for coffee etc. Bacon is an hour and a bit drive away which means that weekend dates are only really feasible at this time (though maybe not in future..) hence why we can't see each other for two weeks.

Tuliptime I've thought lots about that. When I got together with exP, at age 23, it just seemed so bloody easy! First love and all that...passionate and fun and heady. A certain amount of caution and pragmatism is to be expected and is sensible when you've been through it and when there are kids to consider. Lots of practical things to think about as well as "OMG, this person is fabulous!"

Anna If you can be arsed, then a blunt message saying exactly what you said upthread might be a plan and then block.

ooooh, in other news, MrEloquent has kind of reappeared. I think he deleted WhatsApp as his photo vanished, and he wasn't in my contact list...but now he's back with a new photo. (Brief back story...met on Tinder, had amazing virtual chemistry and incredible sexting but he's a bit of a tortured soul so never actually met...) I am not going to contact him but it'll be interesting to see if he gets in touch...

Waving no! Joking about the office!! I mean, kids can handle a man saying hello to them occasionally

Sorry I've been spending far too much time on FB. I'm relatively iron less at the moment. Date 3 with MrIT is planned for Sunday, he's cooking for me. I'm still really trying to distance myself and not get too smitten, but it's hard when he's being so perfect.

Still in vague contact with Beard but it's been a month since we met up and if we can't find time to meet up in that time I don't think we ever will. I've noticed it's always me asking if he's free so I don't think he's actually that interested. Will archive his messages and see if he contacts me.

An old iron has recently been in contact, not sure if I actually have him a name. We were due to meet but he backed out saying he was still processing his breakup. I appreciated his honesty and said to get in contact when he felt ready too. He did last week and we've been chatting since. No mention of an actual meet up yet though.

And I got a text saying 'hi' from someone whose number I've obviously deleted, I'm curious as to who it is!

Still occasionally pine for/stalk MrCS but that ship has long sailed.

Think that's about it for now.

waving that's such good news re your kids asking to meet MTG - how lovely. There's no rules, you know you're kids best, im sure it'll be fine 😃

Yes 314 what did Canceller say??

Anna I'd have had no qualms re telling him exactly why I didn't want to see him. Then again I'm normally pretty direct and open.

So nothing from CI regarding tomorrow. Wankstsain. Over the weekend I thought I'll suggest meeting (knowing he would not be forthcoming) but today I think 'f*ck that for a laugh - he's lucky to have had any communication from me since Wed....!!!'

He just texted me at 4:30pm having delivered stuff to clients and was celebrating with tea and biscuits before driving home, and then asked me about my day. Self. Absorbed. Knobwank. He thinks his creative work is speshul, is my assessment. And because of that (and the 'low effort' mantra) I'm so not a priority. That much is clear.

Given that it's past 6pm on Monday - in what fricking world is it going to feel valued now to be invited round for tomorrow evening? I fully expect he wont even mention it til tomorrow- praps after work!!! Up his game my arse. This time last week I had arranged for a friend to dog sit. This week I cannot be arsed to make the effort.

Hmm no ta. Might organise something else. Or spend tomorrow evening putting up new dating profiles up online. Or just go for an evening swim and sauna on my own.

I made a mistake and fell right into the SAHP trap. Or variant thereof..... Jesus! How did I do something so stupid!!! Aaaarrrrrgghh what a mug!!

Waving if only... I'd not tripped up I'd have perhaps approached the yummy man (but he looked like he was waiting for someone). To be honest the men in the pub who are volunteers I could see them again or mention to my friend who ran marathon that I liked one or more of them and she'd set me up if they were single. So that is certainly on the backburner! However with a very swollen lip, fetching blue plaster across my nose and slight limp due to fall I was hardly up to flirting or looking my best!

Woohoo eg congratulations for you re Your DC wanting to meet MTG! I'm not sure about books but I do have Shane Watson (Shane is a woman) called "How to Meet a Man After Forty" and she's stepmum to her husbands DC she may have something there (maybe get a cheap copy off amazon marketplace) - in fact that's the only dating book I have and it is very good. I think I also had andrew Lloyd webbers daughters book too (she's called Imogen I think) but I didn't find that very good. Ok but a bit condescending re her life, lifestyle etc (as you would be if you had Lloyd Webber as daddy with his money!).

Oh Traffic sorry to hear about Beaver, I think as you say if he's not a texter and you are then that's not very compatible. Also I think if a man is really interested (as in Mr Journo with me) he'll text or email all the time to keep contact with you.

Anna you do realise you know that you don't need to give Mr racist any excuses as to why you don't want any more contact. Just block delete and move on.

Handy oh my good god what a twat CI is! I really would forget him and move on, if someone is so self absorbed in their life and job etc and can't arrange a time to suit you (knowing you need to arrange childcare) then they're not worthy of your further attention in my book. Evening swim and sauna sounds fab and if you have time update the profiles when you get back!

MyGast hope your date with Mr IT goes well I think actually you're doing the best thing for you eg not getting too smitten, 3 dates is still relatively early.

Beard does not sound interested in you and the old iron well never say never and he may arrange a date! I hate it when a number you delete says hi... I had that about a month ago, someone I had 3 dates with last year and it was ok but not mind blowing and I'd forgotten him but he texted me to "see how I was".

Itold the only thing I'd caution on is re Mr Eloquent is if he's a wordsmith then they're excellent at telling you what you want to hear (I had a dalliance with someone years ago who was an awful flirt but also a wordsmith - we met through a book group (doubt he was that interested in the book!). Also emotionally tortured give me a break!

Tuliptime I get your hurt but can't you just go with the flow and as Doris Day sang "que sera sera" and not have any expectations other than day to day but after 8 dates it's now make or break time I think eg you know you like each other but you also know if it's broken off it'll hurt but not end of the world. I think your feelings and thoughts are quite rightly safeguarding yourself.

ocelot sorry haven't kept up to speed but Whatsapp scot sounds nice and I think with people being away and varying text/internet signals if he's away it can be hard to keep in touch if take it as read your BH weekend date is still on.

muddling yes I totally see what you mean you don't want friends and family to do a double take upon meeting him and think you've only picked him as he looks like your exH!

314 generally I'd say Mr Canceller doesn't deserve a second chance especially if he is having these walls and you think he has problems and he'll want you to work your way through them with him (no chance!).

Bant I remember you from the old threads so sorry it has not worked out, what a pity but a relationship is only worthwhile if you can both agree and compromise and on her side it seems not. I hope you meet someone nice soon.

Well am checking in but not with good news. Had to ask Bob the Builder to postpone on the weekend because DD's father didn't take her for contact. Bob was initially disappointed but okay(ish), asked about a definite rebook and I had to say I didn't have any clarity about child free dates at the moment. So he binned me off, as apparently single Mums with unreliable ex's are the pits to date. And I can't even disagree because I can see how flakey and unreliable I sounded, even though the circumstances were not of my making. Will have to cancel Mike the Mechanic for the same reason. Think I will come off Tinder and stop dating for a while, it all just feels too difficult. DD's father may not be having any overnight contact in the short to medium term, apparently. Abd I of course love having her, and don't want her going to her Dad's and being unhappy, which is what happens, but it means that I won't be able to have any 'me' time for the foreseeable future, as the afternoons he has her I'm at work until she comes back. So not feeling very 'my amazing life' at the moment!!

Handy, he came back with a remark about the weather. No question. Nothing to respond to.

I would be stupid to reply. Id begun to figure out by date three that i just didnt fancy him enough to proceed.

His insecurities and neuroses did put me off him, as he was great fun on the first date (and then too busy to meet up for two weeks, and then cancelled the date we arranged. Then he came back to me after six months. Two more dates weeks apart. I was supposed to go to his house and the he rescinded the invite in a huff.)
So....... no. His remark about the weather wont persuade me to revive that dead horse. Good luck to him. He was funny.

Oh Ida that's really, really, rubbish. Sorry to hear that news. Is the 'no proper contact' thing temporary? I hope so. Can you negotiate something more solid - not for dates, just for you and for the benefit of dd? Sounds really tough. Hope you are ok.

Oh, don't worry Super, I have not doubts that MrEloquent is back on WhatsApp cos he's back on Tinder so chatting to lots of other people. And if he does get in contact, he'll be told (nicely, cos he's not an arsehole) that I am seeing someone so won't be talking to him. There's just a bit of a...dunno, intrigue maybe? still there cos he would have been great if he was available but just never was

superflyhigh thanks. Still no word from Beaver and he had a day off today so im not high up on his list! Yeah he probably isn't really that interested. Which is fine. I've lost nothing at this stage. 😊

reddish thanks for your support. Unfortunately the guy who I was emotionally invested in has decided to get back in contact. I wasn't pleased actually. I mean, I was because I really like him and he's a good friend - but not pleased because now I will find it harder to detach emotionally!!

Gast look in your whatsapp and see if the number is still there.

Superflyhigh, just seen you fell and hurt your face
you poor thing! hope it doesn't hurt.

No Freaky I'm not ready to countenance that :( You may be right but I can't bear to think it...He is or was the one...

I have less idea how nice Scot is than you all do! Could it be you are all just so keen to divert me from M ?!! We shall see - hopefully we will meet over the w/end... But I'm a bit uncomfortable he's been so gushing - I accept that might be me with my forcefield around me to try avoid getting hurt again

Idashaggim I totally get where you are coming from. I have the same trouble. I've not been able to arrange anything for ages because every weekend I have had child free I've needed to do something that i can't do alone with the kids around. Its frustrating. Especially when the ex can have his love life and only has one weekend disruption.

Im going to keep at it though. I figure, the man I need is going to have to be ok with sudden changes to plans, and although it is annoying it can't be helped. So even if he gets cancelled on he will have to make do!
Its not easy though.

Back from my after work first date with marvel iron and so much better than the last date we talked and the concersation flowed easily he bought dinner we laughed and joked and date 2 to the cinema is in the pipeline just date and time to be arranged as he has a young daughter.

Ooh that's excellent muddling 😃

OK, I have six messages to respond to from people between 42-52 in my city. Nearly feel overwhelmed!

One seems a bit navel-gazerish, intelligent though, chatted to him a few nights ago and he has just asked me if I@m a scientist. That's flattering I think. However, He's 43 with no DC

IFSQG43 (fat sex questions guy) however and is this a pattern!? He's 43 with no DC.

Another guy Italian abseiler, IIA52, his photo is about ten years old. That puts me off, as mine is from last week. He also said to me that that was ''not cheating'' as nothing counts til you've met up. (.........but how do you know if you ought to meet up?)

There's another half dutch guy but he's really really short (I know, weird right?) He seems very normal though but I suspect I wouldn't fancy him.

I feel like I need a cup of tea before I do my homework.