Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Ocelot, no, didn't say anything there that was a reference to anything! I just mean, he's seen now that you get out and about, so IF part of the reason that he backed away from a serious relationship was that fear of being responsible for somebody else's happiness then it is good that he's seen you happy, strong, socialising with your friends two nights running. Your paths may not cross again for years but now that's the image he has of you, so you did the right thing not texting him. Leave it on a good note.

Shall I go an tackle the inbox on okcupid now? I will. I reckon it'll be 50% American men, posing on the golf course, and the other 25% will be 25 years old. Saying 'hi hun''.

Hmmmmmm I hear ya 314 Thought I was sorted too Haha - but have totally stepped on a landmine. It's like you can get your sh*t together but then you get attracted to someone and it all falls apart. It's a reminder that.....

Every. Day. Is. Still. A. School. Day.

I know, isn't it weird how you can be so sorted dealing with friends, colleagues, moving house, changing job, parenting.... you deal with it, and then there's somethig about a relationship that lets you see the chinks in your armour, or in my case, the blind spots in your field of vision.

There is a man on POF whose main photo is a poster saying ''slut wanted, no good girls need apply''. Do you think there are ANY women who'd respond to that ?? He might as well say ''i'm looking for a free prostitute''. wow

I'm talking to some guy who seems nice, he's just confessed to me that he needs to lose 20lbs. oh dear.

Every day is still a school day. I like that.

And actually, it's one of the reasons my fomer (deep) attraction for Bear which was very holistic is unravelling rapidly. It seems to me now that although he believes he's worked on himself, the end result is at least half rationalisation.

Looking back on our ''friendship'' now I'm left with another impression of him. He's not just the free spirit, but there's a lawyer in there too, the type of lawyer who looks through the contract called ''Relationships" looking for loopholes to exploit so that he can get his emotional needs met without owing anybody else anything. I feel that's really incongruous with the type of person he believes he is, and the type of person I chose to believe he was.

Also, luckily I guess, what is really turning me off him as PERSON is the irony that whilst he has so much respect and understanding for his own agenda (ie, to avoid relationships), he was genuinely indignant and put out when a woman from POF realised he didn't want a relationship and she didn't want to hang out with him so she didn't keep talking to him after a day (ONE day) of chatting. I just feel like I'm seeing things through a new lens.

It seems to me that women's need to be in a relationship is something he finds almost contemptuous, or pathetic (slightly) but he mocks that need without acknowledging that he has similar needs himself, and at whose expense he is seeking to get them met.

Bit deep there? sorry. But I think this is good for me.

So basically, he is that guy who wants to have his cake and eat it. He just has more cerebral books on his shelf. Lots of players out there KNOW that they're players and they can't quite believe how easy it is. He is a 'thinker' by nature and that side of him has lead him to rationalise being a player. Now, he thinks women need to work on themselves and look inwards if they ask for commitment. He thinks that they are foolish, to cut themselves off from rewarding conversations and experiences (with, for example, himself) just because of their ''need'' to be in a relationship. He finds that ''a bit sad''. A bit inconvenient more like.

Geez. I am smelling so much coffee right now.

I can see the same thing in CI, too, 314 in fact in the aftermath of our awkward 'I'm not getting excited about us' convo he said 'I'm not a typical guy' hmmmmmmmm which (while being true) is perhaps its own red flag.

Hmm. Philosophical. We are giving them
More headspace than they deserve, though...

Hmmmmmm I hear ya 314 Thought I was sorted too Haha - but have totally stepped on a landmine. It's like you can get your sht together but then you get attracted to someone and it all falls apart. It's a reminder that.....

Every. Day. Is. Still. A. School. Day.*

100% this. I thought my shit was pretty much together but Bacon has spun me out a bit. Thank fuck he's so laid back and sure of stuff or we'd be a mess.

Anyway, Day 1 of Living My Amazing Life While I Wait for Bacon didn't start so well as DS woke me up at 5am cos he'd had a bad dream. But then he told me that I am the best mum ever because I am pretty and helpful so I am mollified And I am wearing a new bargain dress that I've had several compliments on already. I am chanelling breeziness and sent Bacon a positive message of some flowers I saw on the way to work. And I am making plans with friends for the week and decided that I will sign up for BMF and sod the expense. And I'm looking forward to seeing family at the weekend. Oh and cake sale at work.

Right, that's my blessings counted.

314 How's the inbox? How big is this guy really?

Handy You sound proper kick-ass today! I hope your friend's operation goes well.

Ocelot I hope you slept better last night. How are you feeling about M now?

Reddish I'm sorry, but I kind of think that your first instincts are right...that she sees you as a platonic friend to go out with but not more. The fact that she won't even talk about the issues is really worrying. It's really not fair of her to expect you to put up with no sex indefinitely with not even a proper discussion about it. Do you think you can get past this?

Waves to everyone else! This thread is like a bloody Weeping Angel, as soon as I blink, it moves so fast!

well, i'm new on okcupid, so about 12 messages but half from americans, the ones in my country three of them under 30. Kind of half-heartedly chatting to one because he's right on paper and chatting to the fat guy who I click with. Not super keen to have sex with fat people though

If I were to give him a name it'd be fat sex questions guy. So I'll call him FSMQG43

If we go on a date, he gets a name. Not til then.

I can hear my phone leaping and pinging. That's the 29 year old. IXD29. I could so easily reply to him and he is by far the easiest to chat to, but why the fuck is he bothering. The age gap between us is ridiculous and I wouldn't bother with a man 16 years older. I'm ageist. Shoot me. What am I going to do if we hit it off? Introduce him to my friends and family and my kids?! lol. NOPE. never gonna happen. I will send one reply to all of his whatsapps later. Grind this nonsense to a halt before Thursday.

Got a guy messaging me today really nice to talk to but looks the spitting image of my ex husband

I thought I'd update... So the guy from OKC who messaged me and then came off the site we are meeting on Sunday for film and dinner. Sounds good, he's very keen and 35 to my 44 but he's pleasant enough.

Irish I really think I'll knock on the head he was all flirty re sexts but then when I pinpointed him for a date he said oh ok Tuesday or Wednesday not sure if I'm working!

I had such a funny experience yesterday (and nasty too) had a nasty trip outside a DLR station (was going to watch London Marathon) and cut my lip, nose, etc (luckily not seriously injured) but as I fell a seriously yummy man ran to my rescue! Shame I wasn't in the mood for swapping numbers but good to see a man I liked! Also later in the pub my friends volunteer workers were there and there were 3 men (1 a lot younger) who volunteer and 1 more my age but it was nice to know that if I needed to, I could socialise and potentially date them.... Just good to know you can speak to men (apart from those you already know) in real life.

As I'm off work today (got nasty swollen lip and badly bruised knee and hand hurts) I will browse OKC again and maybe join Lovestruck.

314 it's good to see you're rationalising stuff about Bear (sounds as if you need to) but sometimes it's easier just to chalk it up to experience and move on (yes harder than it seems sometimes). OKC can be rubbish re settings but you should be able to rule out Americans, fix a date range etc. I personally didn't like OKC. Have you tried guardian soul mates, my single friend etc? I personally didn't like GSM and never really signed up properly to MSF but it's good to know there are other options out there.

muddling oh my gosh pity about that then re exH lookalike unless you don't mind that type!

IToldYou good to hear you and Bacon still going well, I think all your plans are excellent - I think we need stuff to do outside dating even if one man and sometimes it can be so tempting to invest our all into a new relationship.

Handy every day is most definitely a school day! If I had a £ for every excuse or new strategy OLD throws at you I'd be a rich woman!

I do know this though, and I've ignored it in the past. If a man generally tells you who he is or is overly evasive in the first place then it's him not you. If he tells you he's a commitment phobe well he "may" change in the future but right now, probably not. Etc...

The above I think are the red/pink flags that most women miss. I don't think women have the same problems but maybe we do. I know if I don't like a man I'll either let it pan out as to give him a chance or not or I'll totally avoid. Too many issues at first (after years of either being in a relationship or getting this through OLD) has warned me off "men with issues". Can't be doing with that. I'm moreorless sorted in my own life with my own issues now thanks!

And on that note Happy Monday

I woke up this morning to a message from the racist date on Saturday. He had said he was going to block and delete me but today he wanted to know why I didn't want to see him again. I haven't replied because I can't think of a nice way of saying to him -

• you're a racist
• you talked about breaking the law on a regular basis that endangers life
• you lied about your height and didn't look like your photos

That's not even an exhaustive list.

I haven't got the time to catch up on the thread yet. But I went volunteering today and Managerman couldn't have been nicer 😊 spent a lot of time chatting with me, was "taken aback" at my age as he said he thought I was mid to late twenties (ill take that flattery thank you at 31!) We chatted lots about stuff we liked and my online dating troubles. Think its all just friendly but nevertheless it's good for confidence building 😊

anna just tell him straight. Maybe it'll even help him out.

I would say this but I'm blunt: "I didn't like your comments about Muslims and you seek to disregard some laws which I don't agree with. These things are fundamental to me and I can't get past them."

Oh and to update about Beaver I've not heard from him since Sunday afternoon. He's not a texter clearly. This will wind me up so it's almost not worth it.

waving that's good news!! My kids asked me not to have any more boyfriends. They've only met one, as I've only had one serious boyfriend. Not good!

waving we can only do our best. I think if they've asked it's perfectly alright. I'm taking what mine have said with a pinch of salt. As my last relationship was EA I can understand their concerns.
Yes I'm not holding out for Beaver 😊

Thanks to everyone for your support, and for the wine and chocs. It does make me feel better. I’ve also been looking at Amy Young videos, and they are so true.

I’ve distilled all your comments together, and I think she certainly has been into me, as the other bits were very good indeed. That’s really why I’m so conflicted. I think I can also see why things blew up quickly, and I’ve promised myself to try to avoid getting into that situation again. We did set a date to meet up again so my tendency is to hold off messages to give her space. But I’m now questioning my own judgement! And I know I should cut my losses!

314 I did read the article, and I agree, but the good bits were very good!

Traffic, my sympathies to you for falling into the same trap of emotional investment. And for your most recent relationship, we all know that compromise is necessary, but nobody can say in advance that if what you give up is a reasonable compromise, or if it’s really part of you. There’s also that tendency, “the triumph of hope over experience”. Memo to self: repeat, repeat, repeat

Bant, what you say is so true about the mind filling in the blanks. I know I’m doing it here. I feel for you in your situation but you are right in putting your kids first. It must feel like a no win situation, as the long term gain can’t mask the short term pain at the moment. to you too mate.

Sassy, thank you for your frankness. To anyone else I would advise exactly the same, but I’m not seeing clearly at the moment. I don’t think she’s being honest with herself and you’re being very perceptive in seeing her as an alpha type, and her self perception of not being in control is not helping her.

tsonly welcome to the rollercoaster! Despite my recent posts, do remember that the lows are only low cos the highs are wonderful! Do everything at your own pace and trust your instincts.

Freaky on the first time sex front, it can be terrifying for a man! The more he likes you, the more performance anxiety sets in, especially if he’s over 30, and drink has been consumed. So I wouldn’t worry unnecessarily, but practice a few more times and then try to see if there’s a trend. And sorry that my first comment is about sex, but thought that I could speak with some authority – on a man’s uncertainties, that is!

And apologies if I’ve missed anyone out.

That's why it's so hard reddish if the good bits feel right, if it feels real and right to YOU. I felt the man who strung me along as his 'friend' (except we did have sex sometimes but he always made sure to remind me that the sex was "within a context that was understood and that that was acceptable to me" - argh!!! Did you ever!? Why did I not walk away sooner. But as Amy Young says, it's really hard to acknowledge. You're a fake boyfriend/girlfriend and that's really hard to acknowledge and she is not wrong there.

Another article that helped me was an article about how you can have a good connection with somebody but that there can be many reasons why that won't lead to a successful or committed relationship. It helped make me feel that it wasn't about me. I'll google that one.

Waving I'm sure it will go fine with MTG and your children! He sounds like he takes everything in his stride, and no matter what happens further down the line, this is the first guy you've introduced them to, is that right? so they won't think anything other than Mum is with somebody! You're not putting two in the same bedroom so that he can have an office!!

super i dont know if i can see past the similarities lookswise and (i know this is bad) i dont want friends and family thinking ive replaced my ex with a look a like even they know how much my ex hurt me and it was all hid decision to split