Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

God, OKcupid, some of the questions............. I was a high match with some man who messaged me and it told me that I'd answered 40 of the same questions, and you know how it invites you to answer more of the questions he's answered? well I started to do that but they were all sex questions. ''do you prefer your porn hard core or soft core''. fgs. There was no option for saying ''it's possible to live without either option''. Questions about cutting people, anal, I can't remember all of it. On and on it went. I went back to him and said ''you've only answered sex questions''. Wow. It's like a scary insight in to men's minds on okcupid. I think it makes pof seem innocent. I don't know if I'm brave enough to know what men are thinking. Jesus. I feel Iike I need a steam clean now.

Yes I feel it 314

Reddish that's not promising. You'd expect that she'd be glad the subject had been raised finally.

I hope she's not placeholdering you. It was done to me for 9 months and it hurts way more than being used for friends with benefits because you think 'oh this isn't just sex - we have a connection, whatever 'thing' we have is based on a connection''. but in their head they're thinking ''well, I'm treading water nicely here, no demands being put on on me, i am not being forced to make any decisions'

Sorry Reddish. Dating is a minefield, in that until you know someone very well indeed, your mind will fill in the blanks and will come up with a mental image of them, the perfection, that will not generally be close to reality.

So as a man, you'll romanticise, and if they're just not into sex at all, which is the case with some, you'll hope that they're just holding off and will in fact build that into some romantic notion that it will be okay and amazing and you're the one who can break down those barriers and have a hugely fulfilling sex life with them when in reality they've either got a low libido, or you just don't do it for them in that way.

It's painful, and a hard lesson learned, but at that point, when you realise that, you've got to step away and remember, there is someone out there more amusing and sweet and good for you, who also wants to jump you at every opportunity.

They're tough to find though mate. Sorry. Have a on me.

Reddish

I reccomend this article. I felt better after reading it. I felt I was strung along a bit. And funnily enough when I told him I was walking away that was like the only time EVER that he was snappy and cold to me. Wow.

walking away

As far as it goes for me, yes I was very much in love. After a couple of years of OD I'd found someone who was pretty amazing, thought about marriage, all that. However, I met her where I was working, a fourhours drive away from my kids. I have my kids on alternate weekends and holidays, which isn't enough, but it is what it is. And so I was keeping two places going, one for me and one for the kids, and driving across the country, and eventually that wasn't sustainable. So I got a job closer to the kids, so I can see them during the week, do school runs etc.

But that meant I couldn't come home to my girlfriend in the evenings, or nip round hers to watch telly and have dinner with her kids. And I really want to do that. I miss that. But when it boils down to it, if I have to choose between my kids and a life with her, well there's no competition. So things went on okay for a while, then less well, and then petered out completely over the course of several months. Break-ups and reconciliations, lots of long conversations about where this could go. All honest and open and heart-breaking, because there's nowhere it could go. I'm not going to move away from the kids again. She's not going to relocate.

So, it's done. It's shite. I'm pissed off with life. But there you go.

Can't believe I just fell asleep for 20 mins, I'll probably be awake all night now!

Anna sorry you've had such awful dates, there's a lot of idiots out there. I would go with your instinct re Pugwash, he doesn't sound right for you.

Freaky I agree that first time sex isn't much to go by. I've had some disastrous first night sex that later went on to be really good. I'd stick with him for a while and see what happens.

Ocelot sending you strength and hoping you sleep well tonight.

Reddish sorry it didn't work out for you last night but I would take the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it as a very bad sign. In any case she doesn't sound very sexy for whatever reason so if I were you I would look elsewhere.

Handy falling for the same man in a different body seems to be a common mistake for some reason and I'm determined never to do it again!.

314 I don't remember filling out those questions on OKCupid! OMG!

alaughaminute I know, for ages I was congratulating myself for spotting controlling men a mile off. (kids' dad) But really, I only got in to that relationship in the first place because I was devastated to have been dumped by a free spirited unavailable type. THAT is the type I need to learn to avoid. For years, I've been congratulating myself (kind of) being drawn to what seems like nice gentle easy going characters but they are only ever half to three quarters there and they never want to commit to one woman and I always end up feeling strung along for a while before I cop on and walk away. NO MORE. Omg, if I ever have sex again it will be with somebody who is certain about me. I do feel a bit invincible now, I've grown attached to so many men who didn't want to commit to me over the years. It's fkkng ridiculous.

my point , I'm doing it too!!! it's the same free spirited easy going gentle mannered mr unavailable every time. I've gone out with that guy about five times and it always ends with me thinking various things don't stack up / make sense.. Bear reeled me in for longer because he branded us friends. Caught me out there. Because we were only ''friends'' I had to accept everything. Which would have been reasonable if we were genuinely just friends and had never kissed etc and got so close.

So, ok, I need a different type. I need to get turned off by these free spirits. GET turned off (I can hear Amy's voice)

I'm a bit peed off that a guy I really like on POF keeps disappearing for weeks on end. He comes back online for a couple of weeks and then disappears again. Why does he do this do you think? I've only spoken to him very briefly and and he hasn't as yet seen my photo but I hate to think that he might be dating and hiding his profile and then coming back online again to look for someone else. Or maybe he's just tired of it, I don't know.

Bant, that's sad. You found what we're all hoping to find and practicalities ruined it.

314 not wanting to commit is another common problem but how on earth can you tell? It's all bullshit until it happens I guess!

I haven't actually started dating again yet but sometimes I wonder if I'm looking forward to it!

Must listen to some more Amy Young clips!

Bant it's so hard but as you quite rightly say there is no competition as far as your children are concerned. How long ago did this happen? Would you consider going back online to see if you can find someone who lives nearer to you or is it too early?

314 and that is exactly how TinyGrey became TinyGrey and the reason why I simmered the hell out of him for months. He was a perfect gentleman but I could not get past the master/slave stuff I learnt from those questions!

Handy yes to and space!

Reddish welcome, and Aouch indeed. I think Amy Young says something along the lines "it would be great if only.. If "if only" is not there then it is not great." And great is what we should be aiming for. for you because it sucks when it turns out "not that great after all".

I am cutting the catching up here because I owe y'all an update on Karmic - date 5 happened and well the Thing is still going strong. We had a nice Saturday evening and brunch (!) this morning . I am smitten and he says he is too. He even let slip an awkward "I l...--ike you". It does not translate well but he basically fucked up and almost said "love" then panicked and clutched at straws to land back on "like". Awkward but cute and booze-fueled so I am not running for the hills. He is "freeing up Tuesday evening to come to (my) place because (I) am going out of town Wednesday through Sunday". So that is date 6 scheduled! I think I will mention deleting dating apps then - not that I believe for a second he is active on there but I just want to get that out of the way.

Also if anyone remembers the MH talk on "if he is into you, you will know for certain"? It is very true with Karmic - he is on the hunt for the moose and there is no mistaking it. And this moose is usually completely blind. Compared to past dates, I guess what strikes me most is him being constantly on his best behavior. Thought I would share this because I have been guilty of taking crap before on the proviso that it could somehow work itself out. It does not, and they are not interested in working it out either. Conclusion: there is no shame in mercilessly binning anyone handing you crap. If they want to do better, they will be back with their moose hunting boots on. I guess I have just finally come to realize that dating should be a no half-hearted flip-flop zone .

I hope to sleep better tonight thx Laugh...

Tonight was much better: although I was beyond tired setting off having not managed to nap, I got a bit giddy when there & was regaling my friends with stories outside when M suddenly came out fumbling with his phone.... It almost seemed he was checking up on me (?) & after tracking me all down the bar when I'd gone in at first (I pretended not to see)...probably helped (me) he was by himself with 2 couples....

I seem also to have managed to train M (!) that when I say "Hi" he says "hello again"(!) And later I went & tapped him on the shoulder & he managed a very wee conversation without getting defensive...but of course I may not see him again for months...

Good to be able to recognise that jolly. He's constantly on his best behaviour.

Enjoy it!

Ocelot! well, he'll know you're not sitting in every night crying in to your pot noodle.
If he split up because he couldnt handle being (partly) responsible for your happiness he'll have seen that you are happy without him. Glad he gets it now. YOu see each other, you say hello. SImpler than crashing in to a door way or hiding in the toilet.

wise words jolly

"Conclusion: there is no shame in mercilessly binning anyone handing you crap"

I don't think I'll give chances in the future. I've always been like, oh well, maybe he just doesn't see that it sends a really poor message to x,y or z.

Or, well, maybe he is so busy he really can't meet up for six days.
Or he doesn't want a relationship but I'll just hang around meeting all his emotional needs cos that'll be great craic all together. :-p

Morning daters

reddish I'm not going to lie, it does not bode well. Sorry but I think she's just not that into you. If someone gets angry when you discuss a particular topic, their anger serves to distract what lies behind. She's not being entirely honest with you IMO. I would go as far as saying you're a placeholder for her. I could be wrong but you know what? Sod dealing with that degree of hang ups, especially when the accompanying attitude is one of anger. It would be a complete turn off for me. Continue to see her by all means if you want to give it a chance but make sure you start dating other people too. Personally I'd be clear in my communication and just end it citing my reasons why. She sounds like an alpha type, she won't like it. Meh, can't please everyone

bant sigh. That's truly rubbish. So sorry. FWIW I think you are a great dad for putting your kids first and moving back. There are plenty who wouldn't. I know you miss her and its shit. I can only give the normal advice, see friends, get a hobby and look after you.

for the both of you.

Right must get to work, will catch up with remainder of thread later. Happy Monday beautiful people!

314 I'm assuming that's a reference to something I told you? - like me nearly falling down the stairs right by him Saturday night?!

I had to resist texting him about the gig after :( - it was really really good.... But we are not in that territory...& im not setti g myself up for disappointment (again! :( )Though i did feel quite powerful that he was so conscious of my presence last night... :)

Still only 6 hrs sleep but that's a big improvement...

I think I need this thread. I'm on a couple of dating apps but nothing's come of it yet. Was on POF where I was just in the middle of chatting to someone promising (female) when I had a really bad experience with another user and had to delete my profile. The interest ive had so far in real life has been mainly from men I definitely don't see 'in that way' - oh, and the last person I think was flirting with me who I might have found attractive was married. Not good! And not a situation i'd ever be interested in getting into. I feel the chances of ever finding mutual attraction again are pretty slim. Help!

I've woken up in a different headspace. I have decided that I have lots of fear re the CI thing, which means I'm handing him the power. Well fck that sht. The fear isn't serving me, thank you very much. Prince is now 'laid to rest', as it were, it's a new week and I'm just gonna be a kick ass friend to my Actual Friend who is having her operation today and not Eve mull the CI thing over...... So there....

ocelot glad you got through last night.

314 yy to not dating the same man in a different body. Free spirited, mild mannered unavailable type - hmmm - I think that pretty much sums CI up.

On with a much more kick-ass week....

and I've made myself a screensaver on my phone which reads 'my bruised ego is not the boss of me' - I'm gonna be Amy Young-ing myself all day!!

handy i also have a list of amy young mantras in my memos in my phone!! Right now the one i'm mulling over is ''no response IS a response". Nearly two weeks since I walked away. Not that I ever thought B would suddenly say ''hey I miss you, I've changed my mind". NEVER thought that would happen, but why did I spend so much time in the presence of a man for whom my absence means so little.

Loads of messages from okcupid but they are all from men half my age or men the right age but in America. I have set my settings but it's like okcupid doesn't register them!

Working on my head. I thought I was quite sorted before I met Bear. That has been a real fucking learning curve.