Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

[DrFoxtrot]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

I have some questions. What's a Moose Burger? Who is Matthew Hussey? And what is a loo update?

Nobody I ever chat with actually seems to want to go in a date. Only hooking up. :(
I'm not into that.
I'm off on my volunteering job tomorrow. The Manager there is ever so dreamy. :)
Nice dark hair, lovely smile, musical laugh, pretty eyes, funny, friendly.....only he's 7 years my junior and doesn't much like children. 😂😂
He's also very encouraging and complimentary so this helps boost my confidence. Perhaps I can practice on him a bit. 😂

Hello all. I haven't been on here in ages, but as I now seem to be single again, I'm going to throw my hat into the OD ring and could use some advice on it.

Will update when I have stuff to update about :)

Just popping in to reassure Freaky - first time sex - is not necessarily representative at all.... I read your post and I just thought 'TOO SOON TOO SOON'

With me and CI it was like that. And now the sex is great. More than great even. The second time we got it on we both agreed the first time had been 'too soon' and dont forget there had been huge amounts of chemistry from the off...

Also thanks to those asking about me and the CI situation. I am totally clueless. On the one hand he rang me (without even being asked haha!) on Friday night. I nearly fell off my chair when I saw it was him!!!

But then I've stopped the 'good morning'/'good night' texts because they make us feel relationshippy. And I just wanted to get on with my life this weekend. And now he seems to be doing the same (i think - difficult to know - he's been keeping crazy hours due to work). So the insecurity is just as bad.

Had a lovely amazing PM from someone who used to be on this thread 2yrs ago who is in a relationship with Twix's long-lost twin. And they seemed to work it out. Can't thank her enough - you know who you are....

No idea what to do. Then again I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm messed up over the Prince death (no celeb death ever touched me before but I was a Superfan in my youth) so I have a baseline emotional state right now which is extremely wobbly. And totally not the norm for me. I'm normally a chipper kipper...

Was also first on scene at an RTA last night. Not awful but not great. And my friend has a cancer op tomorrow- am looking after her daughter overnight.

With all this - it's not possible to see what to do about CI. But it is still making me feel rubbish.

Oh god how 'me me me' was that.

Yeah, Handy I think you are right. Too soon and too much pressure and expectation. And booze. And there was no freaky stuff or anything like that.
And Traffic we do click in lots of ways. All the important ones. Just need to give this a bit of time. It's just going to be tricky not to build it up again in the two bloody whole weeks in which I am not going to see him! I need to channel breezy, independent and positive in the meantime. No neediness or desperation.

Handy you have so much going on! I think you just need to do whatever gets you through this. Do you need to "do" anything about CI? can't it just chug along for now? Has he said anything about Tuesday?

Bant say its not so! last you posted you seemed so loved up what went wrong am sorry to hear its not worked out.

Traffic M Hussy us a guy who is apparently a dating guru:)

Loo update is simply try and update the thread when you're on a date.

Moose burgers seems to refer to guys needing too chase women or some such words.

Thanks, Freaky your head knows what to do with the Bacon thing... but your emotions will have wigouts along the way over the next two weeks. And that's what we're here for!!!

I called CI this pm, because I cannot start getting in to playing games with the timings of texts. We are both working today.

Of course no mention from him re Tuesday. Plus ca change.........

Sorry for not name checking. Am vaguely trying to keep up. Kudos to Anna for bailing from date 1 yesterday- awesome lady. to everyone on the thread...

Aaaarrrgh, I'm starting to get really fed up with OKC. I knew before I started using it that some people on the site would be looking for poly relationships. But it seems just about everyone I've talked to is looking for someone who's into kinky stuff, and that's just not me! I thought I'd looked quite closely at Spock's answers, but clearly not (or else he's changed them). He's really my only remaining iron, and now it looks like it's not even going to be worth meeting him.

It makes me wonder if I did the right thing finishing with Mr C. Right now it feels like I'm never going to meet anyone. (Sorry, feeling a bit fed up at the moment).

Handy, you have so much on at the moment. I hope things go ok for your friend tomorrow. I think Freaky is right - it's not the right time to do anything about CI or make any big decisions right now. I'm sorry it's making you feel rubbish though.

Freaky, I'm glad so much of your time with Bacon went great, and agree with others that the second (and third, etc...) time might be much better. It's frustrating having to wait two weeks though!

Just dipping my toe in after a recent separation, I'm really not ready to date yet I don't think, I've been with the same man for 23yrs! We only properly made the decision to separate a few weeks ago but he's been sleeping on the sofa since just after Christmas so it doesn't feel like a recent decision.

Anyway, got bored last night and signed up to tinder, got several matches very quickly and now I feel positively grubby. What's that all about? Is it because I'm not ready?

I am really going to try not to wig out! Going to try to follow Bacon's example of going with the flow and enjoying this for what it is...cos it's pretty amazing. This great, caring, interesting, funny, hot guy wants to have a relationship with me and we have a great time together. And he was totally unphased by the sex thing, just confident that we'll do better next time. If i can focus on the positives and not stress too much then the sex stuff will work itself naturally I think. And my focus for the next two weeks will be my Amazing Life.

How was CI when you spoke to him Handy?

tsonlyme welcome! Have you chatted to any of your matches yet? If not, I would try that and see how it feels.

goldfish I know what you mean about OkCupid, it can feel very grubby. Are you on any other sites?

Traffic definitely practice on your manager dude! You might even get a date out of it.

Good attitude, Freaky

CI was OK on the phone, he asked me about my RTA incident last night (which we had exchanged a flurry of texts over). And went into quite a bit of detail about what is happening at his work. But he always just signs off in a platonic-sounding way and there was no mention re Tues. I can't imagine there's any point waiting for him to suggest a date on Tues. I may as well raise the issue but I'm stil a bit hurt and very 'meh' so can't bring myself to say anything breezy... Maybe tomorrow...

Freaky, Bacon's attitude sounds great. And I think going with the flow sounds the best thing to do - especially as you won't be seeing each other for a couple of weeks anyway. And hopefully when you do, as you say, the sex stuff will work itself out naturally and be much better.

The only other site I'm on at the moment is POF - and I was about to take a break from that. I'm only chatting to two men on there, and I'm not excited by either of them. I was on Soulmates for a few months and met a couple of people, including one who was nice and interesting but I just didn't fancy him. I honestly don't know what to try next. I feel really down about it this evening, and like just giving up. (Sorry, self-pitying post - probably feeling more lonely than usual as DS is with his dad).

Yes I've been messaging one guy on and off all day . I stupidly gave him my mobile number to use whatsapp which I think was a mistake but luckily so far he seems like a decent person & I suppose I can always block him if he doesnt take no for an answer, eventually, when I get around to telling him no .

I do have a second phone and a sim ready to go in it, that's the wise advice isn't it? To have a dating phone separate to your usual one?

I'm pretty sure I feel grubby because I've been married for so long and suddenly getting this attention is strange. And it's too soon.

Yeah, see how you feel tomorrow Handy A bit of space to sort your head out may be no bad thing.

tsonlyme I don't think that's stupid. I've never had a separate dating phone though I know some people do. I just make sure that my FB account is not linked to my mobile number and then I think it's pretty safe. Trust your gut, if it's not feeling right then stop. But having said that, a bit of male attention might make you feel better? It doesn't have to go anywhere.

Goldfish Sorry you are feeling down. It's a hard old game. Taking a break for a bit might be a good idea?

goldfish sorry to hear you're feeling down about dating. It can be a shit. That's why I've hardly ever been single for long at all. I hate dating with a passion. I'm not into meeting new people and feeling awkward and like I have to prove myself.
Sometimes I think I don't want to bother with anyone else - having to ease them into my already complex family etc etc ....meh. maybe it's just because it's Sunday!! Beaver has finally text - but he seems to go an hour between responses which annoys the SHIT out of me.

Popping in quickly.

freaky ugh. I feel your pain. I think we've all been there. The honest truth is that I've had amazing first time sex. I've had ok (ish) first time sex, which with time became the best sex of my life. I've had ok (ish) / borderline not great sex the first time and it didn't get better.
That doesn't really help you one iota I know.
Two weeks will fly by and we are all here to hand hold! Have no fear.

to everyone else. Blissfully quiet weekend relaxing with no one messaging me. It's really rather lovely. Let's see if my RL iron gets in contact to arrange a coffee! I could be reading waaaayyyyy to much into an innocuous interchange but who cares!

Have a fab week y'all. Who's dating?

Right. Update. Firstly, thanks to Sassy especially and Jolly, Laugh, Tulip, 314 and Freaky. For everyone, and especially those of you who have boosted my self esteem, I’m just regretting Rule 10.

Hopefully all the following will answer your specific points.

I’m sorry I’m this seems all about me, but I don’t want to be seen to be the person who is pushing into the crowd of friends all talking, and giving my opinion on life, the universe etc. I’ll try to respond in future to other comments which come up, and hope that I can say something useful.

Anyway. Had the chat. I’ve just typed out a long response, but whilst its cathartic, its tmi. I think the short answer is that the factors 1 and 3 in Sassy’s post have come into play, with 3 - the sex drive – being a legacy of 1 - the lack of recent experience - and what recent experience there was, wasn’t great.

However, the killer is that whilst she told me briefly about it –superficially, and the above is my interpretation – she didn’t want to talk about it. She got pissed off that I wanted to talk, and effectively said that I should accept her position rather than try to understand. The other background that came out strongly was that after a couple of months going out we didn’t really know one another and she wouldn’t want to go to bed with anyone who she didn’t really know (ie me, at the moment). So even if there weren’t any sexual issues for her, the inference is that we really don’t know one another, and whilst she did make concessions on communication, it was dictated by her position rather than mine.

We parted today, not in a good place with one another.

I suspect that the advice would be that I’m flogging a dead horse, and that I should cut my losses and run. And even if I she and I did pursue things, our sex life might be restricted to infrequent staid occasions rather than that spontaneous passion that could get one arrested if performed with the curtains open.

But despite that sensible thought, it hurts. It fecking hurts. My sympathies to anyone else in this position. I now know what it’s like. If I’ve been here before, I’ve forgotten. Rule 3 is true, but a bastard.

And again sorry for the self indulgence. I have tried to dull the pain with wine, and beer. Comments appreciated.

Oh, reddish that hurts. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, I just didn't want to read and run. Sounds like you really like her, it's a horrible feeling. Sleep on it is my very vague and not very expert advice.

Oh dear reddish it sounds fragile. I've been here lots of times and yes it does hurt but it will go away. 😊 Hopefully after a few days communication will open up again, but it does sound as though perhaps you won't get everything out of the relationship that you would hope for. And all I can say is that it will breed resentment in the long term. I went into my most recent relationship knowing that a certain thing was off the cards, and it bit me on the arse later on - when it became an issue for me.
Just putting my thoughts in. I am in no way an expert on anything at all@ 😆
Hope the evening sees you well.

I invested in something way to soon emotionally (rule 3 as per your reference) And I am still smarting from the pain of that.

reddsih you sound like such a nice and thoughtful guy, and I do feel you deserve a better outcome from your chat. It's worrying that she wasn't keen or able to talk openly about it with you, and the inference was that you didn't know each other well after a few months of dating. Yes, I'm afraid to say my advice would be to cut your losses and find some one who will love you with all the passion, fun and spontaneity you deserve. I'm sorry you are hurting, thanks for posting and sharing the update it's really nice to have a man on the thread and see how it feels from another angle have some and

Anna, thank you kindly for posting the Amy Young clip - she talks a lot of sense! It's almost as if I am looking for my ex husband all over again which is quite dangerous in my case because he was controlling and abusive. I will definitely take her advice and try and be a bit more open minded and look at other types. I've a lot to learn but I am fast becoming an Amy Young fan!

And now to catch up with this thread.

Know what you mean ALaugh it is very wise to date 'outside of your type' I'm rather afraid I have made the mistake of falling for another flakey arty muso.

I said to my therapist this week next time I'm on the apps I'll put in my profile 'nobody who's in a band, please'

for reddish