Jump right in! It's Dating Thread 102

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Good for you 314 :)

Argh...can't sleep! :( somehow not seeing Scot tonight has renewed my sadness about M ...i guess being home instead of out...right now I ache for him... There is a line in Neruda " my feet will want to carry me to where you are sleeping"... That....But I know there is nothing to be done (& that is progress I guess)

Sorry for small hours self-indulgence...

I can't sleep either, but I'm looking forward to ticking off another day. Ykwim?

I mean it Ocelot, I was googling techniques for getting somebody out of your head earlier and when M comes in to your head you have to dialogue with yourself and show that thought the door. It is not serving you. Picture your brain, and a door, and M is like a big fish, and like a guest that has stayed longer than three days, you love that guest but that guest smells now, so show the guest the door and get back your lovely clear brain.

314 yr example is very surrealist to me!
Maybe i need to google the source... I realise there is a resistance in me.. I am the one hanging on to the smelly fish... :(

Morning all!
ocelot and 314 I hope you got some sleep and are feeling more positive and brighter today.
No updates from last night date/dates? I'm lost with who had one! But hopefully there will be swoony posts a bit later.
tanya why do men do this? I've read it so many times they get the date then message way less, if at all in the run up and leave you unsure and wanting to firm things up! My date for this evening did the same! Messaged me a really sweet one asking if it was really ok for me to be driving all that way and that he was a bit worried about me etc. I sent back a nice friendly reply and nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Radio silence all night I just went to bed early and didn't worry about it, what's the worst that can happen? He'll cancel today (had that before) or just ghost me. Either way his loss and I not going to lose sleep over someone I don't know, have yet to met and owes me nothing actually. Will continue along with my day and what will be will be! I love being on dates when you don't give a shit
Who else is out tonight?...or not

Ooh sorry I got names muddled it was goldfish waiting to hear from her potential date on time and place not tanya!

Date 4 for me last night, which went well, and date 5 already arranged. We even had the exclusivity chat, so all good.

I'm having a bit of a wobble though, about opening myself up to all this again. I've been happily single for so long, it's scary making myself vulnerable again. But hey ho, you can't live life like that can you.

Sorry your date was cancelled Ocelot - I know you're relieved in a way but it's so annoying having all that build up for nothing.

Very little sleep :( just time to have a nightmare about S blanking me repeatedly at work (we don't really do the same work) & it being g very awkward as well as hurtful :(
Going to need LOTS of coffee to get through today...

That should have read M blanking me...whoops!

CurlyMuso is tonight, there seems to be a spate of unreliables going on, hope he doesn't join them! We had some lovely chat last night and at 5am when I was having an insomnia episode. He's very sweet and getting increasingly warm in his messaging, but not full on like Bee was, which is better. Sample from last night.... "Looking forward to having a wee drink and blether to you tomorrow night. Can't come soon enough to be honest xx". ❤️

tanya he does sound lovely, and very keen! Can't wait for CurlymusoUpdate later

No goodnight text from Twix last night. Why why why do we hang on every text? And am still doing this after 6 weeks. But going to the seaside today in the rain! Looking forward to that.

waving are you sure letting your ex have contact in your home is right? I mean he is an abusive piece of work. And if you and MTG were to come to an end (no reason to suspect but you never know) what then? I'm just worried that you are setting up a contact arrangement which is utterly dependent on your relationship status, which sort of puts you in a position of weakness or open to abuse from him if your relationship were to end. Well I'm sure you've thought of all this. Just thinking of the clear boundary thing which is so important with abusive exes.

for ocelot and 314 I love the fishes and doorways thing! I'll bear that in mind if me and Twix crash and burn. I'll needs bucketload of help for that fatalistic

jollyp Yey for the exclusivity chat

And who has Sherpa? Sorry can't look back on phone. He sounds like Twix. Who does have kids EOW but a super amicable and fluid contact arrangement and I think is naturally laissez-faire.

jollyx did Karmic make it out in the end?

last please update after your 5K and let us know if he turns up!

Hello to everyone I've missed which is loads of you. Looking forward to updates later.

Ocelot that was only a dream!! You are not going to let stuff that isn't real make you sad! OK!!? IF your paths do cross at work you'll staple gun on that smile and say ''oh, hey Music man!''.

waving I know I didn't pay heed to your recent warning :-P but I agree with Handy, only because my x never ever respected me or my rights. He'd sneer at that. The notion that I could have ''boundaries''. I know it depends on the types of behaviour.

My dad, is so passive aggressive I've realised. He doesn't respect boundaries either. Yesterday, he let himself in to my house, to have some work done, paid for it, and then when I got home from work, he got cross with me because I wasn't grateful enough. I was half grateful but also annoyed that he didn't involve me in the decision. So now I have to be grateful for a shoddy job because he paid for it. He rolled his eyes when I said that I would have liked to have been involved in that decision. Like ''there's no pleasing you!''. He still flounced off in a huff with me.

My x didn't do Martyr, he did Commander.

handy tis not I l doing vrhe 5K, I can barely run for the bus! I'm glad it's not just me getting names wrong!

Crap sorry. I am hopeless!

No morning communication from Twix either. But fear not, I am sitting on my hands.

Although am at my friend's house and she isn't awake yet!! Is not easy to find distractions in someone else's house!!

Does your counsellor really get it, that once you've yielded a point to an abusive X, you can't claw it back later? Because they're not open to reason. They see everything as their due! It'd be very difficult to get your reasonable boundary back without appearing the unreasonable selfish one.

I'm not half waiting for any communication from anybody. No irons. No Bear. Nothing, just not waiting for anything. Getting my ''fuck yeh equilibrium'' back.

Gonna work out later.

waving I would be wary about a counsellor suggesting this as a trial. Even with 4dc I would suggest it is healthier to work towards a contact arrangement which is founded upon a permanent, stable commitment from both parents towards the children. Not be sidetracked towards something that is 'convenient' or gives ammunition to a lazy, manipulative man while you are in the honeymoon phase with MTG (tempting as it no doubt is).

Sorry, just musing on this.... based on my own experiences. I sorted out a fair contact arrangement with my ex in November. I never believed it was possible. But it has changed my life and it's a prize worth working relentlessly towards...... Letting him into your house sounds a very retrograde step.

It's Aknowing who has Sherpa who sounds Twix-like.

I'd be really wary of setting up that arrangement Waving and tbh I am astounded that your counsellor has suggested it in the context of an abusive relationship. Boundaries boundaries boundaries!

(I have a horrendously abusive ex and a mother who is similar in many ways and who, I'm coming to realise, conditioned me from a young age to accept that kind of behaviour).

Lol 314 it was only a dream but it came from my subconscious mind... :(

Believe me I am visualising meeting M - like they train athletes for performance! - to better handle it when it happens... Probably at a gig... Or even at this NHS march today - I'm not ready for it today on so little sleep!

My memorable dream last night was that I was having a riding lesson on a new horse, oddly called Bloc Party (one of my favourite bands), and it was a moody, bucking bugger. I've got a big ceremonial ride out in three weeks. Think it's preying on my mind!

Any word from Scot, Ocelot?

Just jumping into give my experience waving of having your ex stay in your house.

My ex and I have this arrangement and it's a nightmare. We set it up when I was dating in what I thought was a relationship going somewhere. It gave me some time to be with my new guy eow and the children were ecstatic about it. My ex has his own place but for various reasons it's not suitable for the children to stay there. Fast forward 6 months and it didn't work out with my new man. Ex still comes here eow to stay and it's beyond awkward. I can't suddenly refuse him staying because the children love having a daddy sleepover but it means I find myself effectively homeless eow for one night. Sometimes I stay with friends but mostly I end up hiding in my bedroom while he has the kids. My advise would be to be very careful before facilitating this as if it goes wrong with mtg then it may prove hard to change the sleepover arrangement without upsetting the children.

No Tanya - radio silence continues - though I can see he knows I got the cancellation message...

Geez, yupp, keep your home a happy place, a zen zone. Stress free and X-free zone.

It's kind of good this has happened before he was in your house, cutting a key, using your best mug, rooting through your cupboards demanding to know why you'd run out of coffee, reading your mail, demanding the passpword to your lap top so he could play netflix for the kids or something and making you look unreasonable and awkward and petty if you said no.
Sorry. Massive projection. Just visualising my x if I let him past the door.
Shudder

Ocelot I won't run in to Bear but if I run in to H it will be like this!!