Jump right in! It's Dating Thread 102

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Hi everyone!

Tanya I have good vibes about CurlyMuso.. Looking forward to the date!

Handy the whole going on evaluation mode before investing more vs pining is I guess what having your shit together looks like. It is very healthy!

Freaky

Jollyp that is the "needy trap" IMO. Don't fall for it, mirror his messaging, be breezy and send short replies. It is just a phase until they step up again (if they are the right one). You know better, sit on your hands!!

Bat you need a "I'm hiring!" sign well done on the new shiny irons!

Loved-up Waving that's awesome!! I am so happy that MTG is proving true to form!

I am in full bitch mode with KarmicIron and so far that is working. We are having date 2 tomorrow. I don't know if it is my behavior or if it is how he is but he is kind of showing signs of neediness.. Yikes. I mean it is sweet to be chased after but.. Also he told me his last relationship lasted 8 years (ended 4 years ago so it is a high school sweethearts story), during which he was not allowed to go out with his friends without her. He wasn't bitter or anything when he said it but I don't want to date a doormat! Would you guys run a mile? I am still swooning so I am wondering whether this is a proper red flag..

Twix also said what a shame it was that we hadn't managed to meet up and take advantage of my kids being away last week.

Not that I spent my time sitting around waiting for him! so I was v breezy about that.

He's said all the right things.... Ok so maybe am quite optimistic... eek... I'll
Still be doing some digging on Wed about how he feels about his ex and they way his marriage ended. Just to get more of a handle on the man (figuratively speaking).

Jolly, I have good vibes too, but the last time I had good vibes about a man, it was Bee, so my judgement is clearly awry.

JollyX I'd say it's a red flag if he had only recently come out of that relationship. But four years have passed since then. So I would say - very pale amber.

So I'd continue to just 'evaluate, evaluate, evaluate' (my new mantra).

It is not your judgement Tanya, it is just that Bee was a frog in disguise - harder to get the bad vibes!

Thanks handy I will screen him properly tomorrow. You are right and they were early 20's. Not a great age for the whole "equal relationship" thing. Hopefully he know better now as a 30 yo!

I am also on the look for those needy/don't have my shit together signs following a couple other things he said. God, I thought I wanted a man who was an open book!

Right a Sherlock hat shall compliment my dating outfit tomorrow

Hee hee JollyX you and me both!!!

Oh, Handy that does sound positive! You asked him to call and he bloody did!

Evaluate, evaluate, evaluate is an excellent mantra.

Jolly Not a red flag to me. At least he's been in a relationship and learnt from it...

I've got a tiny Bacon-flavoured niggle that I need advice on...

OK, so when we were chatting last night and sorting out dates for the dates, I said that I was free on Friday or Saturday and he could pick. He said he'd prefer Sat so he wasn't rushing from work but said he had to check with a friend...or something...can't quite remember the exact wording. But he had to check he was free, so he texted me after we'd finished talking to confirm. And then was very sweet about how much he was looking forward to seeing me...

But, with hindsight, this "I need to check that I'm free" thing just made me a bit. Do you think maybe he had another date, or potential date that he had to reschedule? He did text me very quickly after our call so whatever/whoever it was didn't take long to sort.

And if he did have another date that he's bumped for me, is that good or bad? And, should I mention anything about it? I probably could have said something last night but it didn't really occur to me then...which is probably good as it didn't ring any immediate alarm bells.

He did say that he hadn't been on a date for a while but also mentioned that he matched with a few people when he matched with me.

I'm really not sure if the fact that everything is going so well so far (coupled with general anxiety/trust issues) is making me look for issues that aren't there. And I know it's unreasonable to expect exclusivity after one date...it's just a bit of a trigger for me and causing a minor wigout.

Oh Freaky I think, with kindness, you are overthinking. The speed with which he sorted it suggests he checked with a friend. But of course there's no way of knowing if it was another iron. And if it is, you can't do a thing until the exclusivity chat. Of course your head knows all this, but your emotions don't.

So what does it all mean? It just goes to show the minute you get a spark of mutual attraction, in rushes the insecurity....

Hang in there chick and just focus on what is coming from the Bacony one. The vibes seem really good!

Are you still swiping? When I met Twix I pretty much never set foot on an app. I was rubbish. Try and keep other irons in the fire if you can?

#totalhypocrite

To be fair it could have been a loose arrangement with a friend to go for a pint over the weekend and a quick text to say - got a hot date for Saturday mate, you ok to meet Friday? The point I'm trying to make is we assume the worst and it could be that but it could also be quite innocent too. However it was, the thing to remember is he wanted to see YOU over them!!!

Freaky it might be the swooning bench effect but you mentioned earlier he was rarely up to anything. And you on the other hand have your Amazing Life. So that makes me think he may have tried to play it cool, not to show how keen he is?!

But clearly he sucks at playing bitch

Handy bless you for your kindness and you are totally right, I am overthinking. We had this amazing date and the day after he sent some lovely messages and followed up with a phone call to sort a 2nd date...I really couldn't ask for more.

So, of course, my brain starts whirring away and finding fault... But you are right, the vibes are good, and his actual behaviour is faultless. I do think he's a genuinely good, decent guy. BUT...and this is a massive fucking BUT...I believed that about exP, who was my best friend and partner of 12 years and he betrayed me in the worst possible way so I can't really believe I am a good judge of character any more...

And no, not swiping. I've only been half-heartedly swiping since matching with Bacon to be honest (but in my defence, I was planning a break anyway!) but now I just have zero interest or energy to be spent on cultivating new irons. As I said upthread, I think it's healthier for me to focus on friends, hobbies and exercise just now, apart from Bacon.

I had a bit of a Headspace inspired moment earlier when I was like "arrgh, am I always going to be so anxious about relationships?!" and then thought "yeah, I am. I have anxiety, it's part of who I am and I am learning to deal with it but this is how I feel right now" and that weirdly made me feel better. Just accepting what I was feeling and NOT BLOODY JUDGING IT. Must remember that..

And on that note, I am going to go and meditate.

Ah, I think meditating on all this is a fab idea. I should do the same. Love a bit of Headspace.

Haha Jollyx if he really was trying to play bitch then he totally failed cos this was after talking to me for an hour and a half and then he sent the message after about 5mins, saying how much he was looking forward to it! And he was all sweet about letting me know as soon as possible as I said my mum would be babysitting so he was keen to confirm a day for her benefit...

OK, end of wigout...for today anyway...

Yup, swooning bench effect then Freaky Bacon sounds really sweet and considerate!

just typed lengthy reply and screen refreshed itself and now it's gone, argh!! In short, I think you're all doing bloody marvellously. Yes look out for red flags and definitely act on them but without some positivity and hope/faith/trust in our gut then we're destined to be alone forever! Some really positive beginnings out there it seems and I try and remember if these things end tomorrow, have I learned something from the experience? Hopefully yes. But a balance between healthy reflection and over thinking is hard, I appreciate.

Phew I need a proper catch up! I've been following Nannys sudden break from Gentle on Facebook . But she has inspired me with her fabulous attitude getting out there and getting irons.

Freaky I agree with Handy about the overthinking! Whatever he was doing, you are his plan for Saturday.

314 even though you've still got the numbers in your name it still confused me easily done haha .

My accidental irons are coming along very nicely! Leicester texted with dates today, four weeks away but he's in my diary unless either of us get snapped up before then! I had a long phone conversation with Apple yesterday and we are meeting tomorrow . I think he may be too 'grown up' for me even at 39 (he's 48) but I'm looking forward to seeing him in the flesh. And Figment who has one tinder photo and appears to be too good to be true has been randomly texting...not sure if I'll ever meet him but I'd like to. Sassy I wasn't on the bench long but I do often find a rush of nice people after a barren spell!

JollyX I don't think what you've described is necessarily a red flag although what you've described does make him sound a little bit of a pushover. He was young though in that relationship. I think taking him at face value and seeing how he acts with you is important now. If you see him taking initiative and being strong you'll know it's not a red flag.

JollyP that subconscious feeling of the texts changing is awful, I've been there more than once. Sit on your hands as others have said and remain breezy and semi-detached with your texts .

JollyX I said 'what you've described' twice in the same sentence, it's been a long day

I suppose I need to get back up on the horse. nannyplums is an inspiration! I had big talk of drumming up ten irons but I am going to wait til the end of April for various real life reasons. I always intended to do that when my friend who is going to visit from america flies back. (28th I think)

Meeting a friend on Wednesday and another friend on Saturday. I'd love to 'pull' the old fashioned way!
I'm going to look in to joining a gym and a book club (have joined meet up)
And still, I need to drive. I saw a recruitment agent last friday and another one today.

My fabulous life I have it good.

Yeh FreakY sounds to me like if that was another date he'd just have told you Friday. tbh he sounds like arranging concurrent dates is NOT something he does with both hands tied behind his back.

Sorry to jump on and not name check everyone etc but just need a brief whinge..
When you spend all day messaging/being messaged by someone and it seems to be going well, you have loads in common etc only for him to say at this hour that he only likes blondes! I'm brunette and he can clearly see my photo on profile! And then even after I managed to give a witty reply to that one he asked where I lived (again on my profile) and when I told him he said it OMG that's miles away...(it isn't) I was so pissed off he'd wasted my entire day with all the messaging I sent him a snappy reply along the lines of "best you run along and find a blonde neighbour to date then"

Good reply though last find a blonde neighbour haha. Some men are just rude and pointless, I don't think there is any other explanation.

It's not a day wasted though! Imagine meeting him and then finding out he's a knob. You'd have spent money by then as well as time.