Jump right in! It's Dating Thread 102

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Is anyone else on OKC? I can't work out whether all those questions are a good thing or not. On the plus side, as others have said, you can weed out anyone racist/homophobic, etc. But sometimes it seems like I'm learning too much about someone I've never met. Today I got a message from someone and he answered a question about whether he'd ever consider eating cooked human flesh by saying that he would. It's massively put me off him - I'm envisaging him as some sort of cannibal now!

On the plus side, Pingu and Spock are still messaging, and both have potential. Another man sent a message, but from his profile he seems very lacking in self-confidence, which isn't very attractive. I hate arrogance, but someone who seems to think they're not good at anything could be hard work, I think.

Sorry, I know I have been completely self obsessed today and I promise I will respond properly to everyone later but quick update that I have just had the loveliest text convo with Bacon and he is going to CALL me later to make plans for a 2nd date.
Swooning continues!

Fox, I have thoughts on the whole positivity thing which I will share later...

Ooh, I meant to add Freaky I'm so glad your date with Bacon went so well last night. And he's been in contact today as well! Swoon away...

handy I would worry that forcing the issue might scare him off. If he's still in touch a lot and things are going well (if slowly) maybe you just need to be patient and let things happen naturally. Especially if he's shy.

No waving he's never said a thing.

Oh god.

I've just had a hugemongous realisation of what exactly I'm feeling with Twix. I just had it suddenly while driving home.

A penny has dropped. It's huge. Huge huge huge. And relates to my ex. And it's not good.

I need to formulate it into words and come back to the thread in a bit. Fuck. Excuse
My French.

314 I hope DrNN is just happily looking forward to and preparing for your date. Everything crossed....

.... more anon...

Well after spending a fair amount of time on pof this weekend there seems to be a lack of decent irons in Cheshire...sigh! Good to hear all the positive posts though.

Handy, hope you're ok.

Brightmoon, I have that problem with POF a lot! Very few decent possibilities in general. (Although I did meet the lovely Walt on there)

Hi all. PLEASE HELP AN OLDER NEWBY. I've been a lurker for a couple of days but following your exploits and feeling the excitement and tension with you all. I'm new to OLD having been with xh for 25 years! Dear Lord I'm new to dating end of hahaha! Am 49. So set up an account and have been messaging today with someone who is my type looks wise, I like his profile and he messaged me. We've bantered over some messages this morning including that his pic isn't smiling. He assures me he has his own teeth! So I challenged him to send a pic with him smiling and then said I was off to garden whilst sun shone to give him time to sort smiley pic.
He has asked for my mobile number to send me a pic... Is it safe to give it out?

He replied "yes indeed!"
I should have updated.

51 year old waving. I call him dr NN
he is very chatty. I think he looks good in a profilr.
update later

rae I would want to chat for a bit longer before moving onto my own number but that's just me. I'm new to it all too.

So I caved last night and added him on Facebook. Might leave it a few days and delete Tinder (not just cos of him, I've had enough). At least now he knows how to get in touch if he wants and if not, I'd rather be friendly than nothing.

314 thanks. He doesn't know my name or anything. I will just encourage messaging. You replied what my instinct was saying so thank you. Bloody hell it's a minefield isn't it!!!! Am so gonna ensure i find the humour in all this hahaha

Rae, personally I give out my number quite early on, mainly because I hate the chat function on most sites and prefer to chat on WhatsApp. I have unlinked my phone number from my FB account (after an iron merrily informed me that he'd found me on FB and given me a "good online stalking" ) so it's pretty safe. I block people if it becomes a problem and I have only really done that when I have finished talking to them and would prefer not to hear from them again, not because I have felt unsafe.

Brilliant. Will unlink mobile from fb. Have replied that he needs to persuade me a bit more to offer my number. If he can't do that then no losses.

waving welcome back

freaky excellent re Bacon

handy I can't wait for the update re your ex and Twix because I think I'm having something similar with Math!

So...got back from Friday's date with Math this morning had an amazing weekend BUT, and it's a biggy, things have turned even weirder with Maths ex seeing my STBXH.

I left STBXH due to violence, it got pretty bad, and it seems Math's ex has found this out (& I think this is via Math ) and has sent STBXH a threatening message today. STBXH is not happy.

So it is one big fat mess and I think I'm going to have to pull the plug on Math. Fuck my life and the general Jeremy Kyle shit it throws at me .

Sounds like a great plan Rae...any decent bloke will understand a bit of reluctance to hand numbers out, so it's a good way to weed out the dodgy ones.

Handy Are you OK? Vent away here when you need to.

Brightmoon I find PoF distinctly lacking in decent irons too. Are you on any other sites?

Goldfish I know what you mean about the questions on OKC..something quite inconsequential can put you right off someone! How on earth did Pingu and Spock get their names? Good that they both have potential though, fingers crossed!

JollyX My buddy in swoon! It's a nice feeling isn't it? When are you seeing KarmicIron again?

Foxtrot A semi break sounds good! Take the pressure off and focus on yourself

So, the positivity thing...I am totally non-superstitious and non-woo and I'm not sure I really believe in the whole LoA thing BUT I have found that maintaining a positive attitude has really helped me lately with the whole OLD thing. It really helped when Bacon cancelled our first date. It also helped me to think the best of him, if that makes sense? Believing that he was a good bloke rather than a lying scumbag made me feel better about whole situation. And I do think that you in lots of ways you get back what you put out. Like attracts like etc and being positive and happy make you more attractive anyway. I dunno, maybe I've got it all wrong and maybe I'm swooning my way into being made a fool of but I hope I've still got a bit of a cynical/sensible filter on too.

Sassy No, I've no other irons on the go! Haven't had since Bacon. I was taking a break from OLD and just casually swiping away on Tinder when I found him. If it doesn't work, I will take a proper break I think and in the meantime I'm going to use My Amazing Life as distraction.

Waving Welcome back and sounds like you had an amazing time!

Harriet I'm sorry. It sucks, it really does.

Right so, I am listening to music that Bacon recommended and waiting for him to call....am equal parts and and

OMG shame

But is she going to dump your STBXH's arse surely she is? in which case won't it all die down?

Bloody hell!

So re Twix. I'm still stumbling around with the words of it.

I realised all of a sudden that there are Amber/red flags around:

1. Twix and similarities with my stbxh - bit of a leap, but, I am feeling panicked at the lack of evidence that he has his Actual Shit Together. Or there is any substance to the man.

2. is this man Emotionally Unavailable or flighty and has he just lazily fallen out of love with ex wife then stayed amicable with her then just breezed along in his creative life and learned nothing in the process? And is he just superficial?

My emotional alarms have been sounding along these lines under the guise of 'I wonder if he likes me the same' since we met. And that's what creeps in with all the 'going with the flow'

I basically need to find out a lot more about the man before I trust him with my emotions. There needs to be more - evidence.

I'm feeling a bit triggered in respect of my twatty ex who seemed to be great but who was in fact an emotional void.

All of which backs up the MH mantra of 'don't invest until he shows you he's worth investing in'

I've sort of let him drop off a pedestal this afternoon.

And when I see him in gonna try to stop being this cool smitten knob head and have proper conversations with him about his past, n stuff. I thought naively that it doesn't matter but it hugely does.

My relationship with Mr2014-15 (he of the recent letter from NZ) showed me from day 1 he could be relied upon and how he felt. I need some of that shit.

That's the, er, gist of my sudden realisation.....

...... as you were....

Shame. You left your relationship and all the bad things behind. What others choose in their and I repeat their future should not influence you. Please don't throw Math away unless and until he ... He ... Does something that makes you not comfortable. Dont let STBXH continue to hold anything over you and your reaction to life. He is STBXH for a reason. I'm there with you. Only look forward and only base your decisions about yourself on whatv you are feeling now ... Really now in the present ... Ignore the past. The past is gone.

There is only one day to worry about. One day to care what you do and say. That is today. Yesterday is gone. It is forgotten, anything you want to continue or repeat you need to affirm today. Tomorrow is unknown. What will happen tomorrow? It depends on today. ... We can all cope if we only need to care about today.

Hope that's not too deep? I've had a journey to get where I am and no one will pull me down again. I adore me. Oh hell that's sounds just too weird but I hope you get the gist ...

handy I think they've been more off than on anyway (STBXH started to distance himself because she was pushing to meet our dc's according to him but I treat anything he says as a pile of shit).

It's more Maths behaviour that I'm about. Why is he telling his ex about my marriage? I have given him the bare bones of it and he has run with it and he didn't have the right to IMHO. I get that maybe he was trying to protect his ex but it sounds like the ex and STBXH were on the outs anyway?

I don't know. Something just feels off.

So, anyway enough if my shit. Twix. Why don't you think he has his shit together?

Also, do you actually know what caused the marriage breakdown? Or are you making assumptions? I think if you are questioning stuff then there is a reason but as you said, you need full disclosure and info before making that decision??

Oh just read your realisation statement

rae cross posted but your post has really moved me. Thank you. You are right and I am letting my past impact and scare me and Maths actions are perceived. I don't actually know what he has or hasn't done. STBXH is so good at manipulating me. Still.

I think we are all a little bit in the same boat - being triggered by past stuff with exes.

I don't know that Twix doesnt have his shit together, but I also don't know that he does

I just need proof that someone is an Actual Grown Up before investing. Mr2014-15 made it easy. Twix does not. I fancy the pants off him and there's loads I like about him, but he does not make this bit easy, particularly but not putting any feelings into words, and by never calling me. And I'm listening to that. And giving it consideration.

Freaky I've tried match (still on there) and e harmony but there doesn't seem many local people on there. That's why I've started on pof as there are more people on it. Haven't been on for long - went on before Xmas for a short while but saw ex on there so hid profile until Jan and then quickly met the idiot who finished with me last week. Trying to stay positive but it's hard!!

Shame sounds awful but try and find out more first before making any decisions.

Handy we're all guilty of letting our past influence he present but give him a chance and have a chat with him and go from there