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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife

241 replies

AThousandRegrets · 06/04/2016 11:11

I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.

I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.

When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.

we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.

his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left

I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did

I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly

feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself

OP posts:
HazelMcWitch · 07/04/2016 13:37

Well, I'm done with this thread.

OP has gone, it seems, and we're all cat fighting amongst ourselves about whether it's acceptable to go all Scarlet Letter on the ass of a depressed suicidal woman because she had an affair ten years ago.

I had a comment deleted because I dared to point out that the nasty behaviour being displayed on here by some women might actually have made a contribution to the demise of their marriages.

Yet, comments that are directed solely at the OP which could have a serious effect on her already fragile mental health are allowed to stand.

OP, I really hope you get the help you need.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/04/2016 15:29

I had a comment deleted because I dared to point out that the nasty behaviour being displayed on here by some women might actually have made a contribution to the demise of their marriages.

Surely you can see that a comment like that deserves to be deleted?

You were young and fell in love and since then have made a happy life and a family.

Except the OP hasn't made a happy life and family, in fact she is desperately unhappy and suicidal. I do have a chinny reckon about what her husband is actually like, that she is feeling so desperate about ageing and losing her looks. That is not a happy marriage.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2016 15:48

Hazel... I agreed with your comment; the spite on this thread is disgraceful and it's completely inappropriate. The OP said she'd be back later. In the meantime, I'll ignore the empathy-bankrupt who insist on posting their bile here.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/04/2016 16:04

I think the need for a post delete makes clear where there is a real empathy bypass....

AntiqueSinger · 07/04/2016 17:27

Except the OP hasn't made a happy life and family, in fact she is desperately unhappy and suicidal.

Yes she is suicidal. Yet this hasn't stopped you feeling the need to write the rather blunt and cold words above has it? I wonder if the OP were on top of a building and threatening to jump, would you make the statement you just did? Yet you apparently understand the significance of the word suicidal right? I think you need to examine your motives.

Along with the other 'tell it as I find it brigade'.

As for Hazels comment being removed Mumsnet HQ are you having a laugh? How is it OK for someone suffering with mental health issues to have vitrolic threads directed personally at her and yet they remain up and hazel makes a statement that isn't personally directed and it gets removed? Could you at least try and be consistent, because I observe threads on here all the time with comments so acidic I'm surprised the web page doesn't melt and nothing is done.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2016 17:49

Agree Antique. I've reported this thread to MNHQ to ask them what's going on. The bitchiness speaks absolute VOLUMES.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/04/2016 17:51

I don't think my words are 'blunt and cold' - the OP is desperately unhappy and suicidal, you say that yourself, so spare me the hypocritical vitriol. You really need to stop being so nasty so faceless stranger on the internet who disagree with you. It isn't helping anyone, you know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2016 18:14

You seem determined to provoke on every thread, whatthe, that's sad. I feel sorry for you.

AntiqueSinger · 07/04/2016 18:46

I'm being nasty? At least I won't accuse you of having an empathy bypass as you tastefully observed earlier?

You effectively told someone who is suicidal, that yes, your marriage isn't happy, your husband (going by your previous post) is possibly to blame, hence your I do have a chinny reckon about what her husband is actually like. quote. You seem to have no understanding of mental health issues. Hence why I asked: since you acknowedged that the OP is entertaining suicidal thoughts, would those be your words to someone about to jump? Because the OP may well read the thread.

When you are mentally ill every one of your fears becomes exaggerated X10. Every bad thought, every concern. Small errors become magnified and inflated. Just because the OP is suffering from depression, does not in any way stand as reflection of her marriage which she said was happy, children and DH happy, and DH says he loves her dearly. Many otherwise happily married couples have partners who suffer with depression or some other mental illness and their illness cannot be used as a benchmark for the quality of their relationship, due to the mechanism of MH.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 07/04/2016 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:06

Name changed, for various reasons, nothing to do with this thread.

Twoandtwoequalschaos

I disagree. I think it makes you very nasty.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2016 19:09

Two, Hazel didn't address her comment to posters-at-large, she addressed it to a single poster who was being particularly nasty. As you didn't see what Hazel posted, I don't really see how you can comment and you do have the wrong end of the stick.

OP has directed NO vitriol to the ex-wife nor to any of the children of that marriage and ONLY she knows about the relationships involved, we do not. This thread has been absolutely chock-full of projecting and lashing out and it's not on. The OP needed support and, if those who felt unable to give it were decent, they would have moved on to another thread. I can't tell you how often I backspace out of threads instead of venting my spleen.

Not doing so and lashing out at a clearly vulnerable OP make you (general, not directed at you Two) very nasty indeed.

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:11

Yes, sorry, that 'you' was a general one, not directed at Twoplustwo

Just in case MNHQ want to zap me again.

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:12

To be fair, I didn't direct my zapped comment at one poster, LWW.

It was a general observation about several people on the thread that I thought were being particularly cruel to a vulnerable OP.

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:15

Sorry, "It was a change to hear of the regret".

It's refreshing to hear a medicated woman calling herself a total cunt and talking about suicide?

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:16

I think I really need to bow out of this thread.

I hope everyone on here finds the peace they need, because frankly, if the level of bitterness on here is anything to go by, the OP isn't the only one in need of some help.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2016 19:17

Sorry Yvaine, I thought it was to just one vile poster but there've been a few so if it was an observation including them all then good, it was a very pertinent comment and I agreed with it.

Happy to be zapped alongside you. I'm not standing by and seeing a vulnerable poster slapped around for sport.

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 19:18

That's ok, LWW.

It's not pretty is it? I hope the OP is okay.

MNHQ
AmyGMumsnet · 07/04/2016 19:53

Hi everyone

Thanks for the reports about this thread. Firstly we'd like to remind everyone that Mumsnet is a place where people come for advice and support, so we'd like to ask for a bit of peace and love on this thread.

Secondly regarding accusations of inconsistency - the boards are post-moderated by a team rather than one person, it's a team effort. We make decisions according to Talk Guidelines, and we have deleted personal attacks on this thread.

Lastly, without wanting to sound like a broken record, we can only take action against a post if you report it into us. We LOVE reports Grin so please don't ever think there's any reason for you not to flag a post to HQ if you have any concerns.

Thanks all - wishing you all a pleasant evening Flowers

CandyFlossBrain · 07/04/2016 20:59

His DD sounds like she's had poison poured in her ear by her mother. Which is a rotten thing to do to a kid.

My DF thinks that way too. There's always a woman around to be blamed isn't there? So handy! I was able to think for myself, even when still a child. My DM never said a bad word about my father, she was scrupulously fair in fact, but he and his family believe I don't want anything to do with him because of her. It couldn't be because I don't like him...

YvaineStormhold · 07/04/2016 21:06

Yes, fair enough.

TonySopranosVest · 07/04/2016 21:28

This tune has been playing for a long time now OP has it not?

I really, really, think it's time for you to examine all of this with some serious counselling because I think you are deliberately hurting yourself by dwelling on the past to the extent that you are, but you are also going to be ultimately hurting your children by not letting it go. You must find a way to accept that your DH's DD feels the way she does - that's just the way it is and your children are not suffering because they don't know their eldest sister...unless you continue to try and force a relationship where it's not wanted.

emilybrontescorset · 07/04/2016 21:48

Yes the dd is free to feel however she wants.

She has no obligation whatsoever to be a doting daughter. Her father left her at an extremely vulnerable age when her hormones would have been all over the place.

At that age she would have been forming opinions about the opposite sex. From what the op has said she has turned out alright. She could quite easily have gobs off the rails.

I know many people who do not have s relationship with their patent and that is their choice.

You can never underestimate the feelings of children when their parents split up .

TomHardysWilly · 07/04/2016 23:43

I don't think cannotlogin is "lashing out " as *lyingwitch" says - she is merely putting across a point of view and an experience that no one understands unless they have personally experienced it - which she is entitled to do ! Since when were people only allows to post if they agreed with the OP?

mimishimmi · 08/04/2016 02:11

It's probably not fair to blame the ex-wife for the daughter deciding not to see him. If the mother was so vindictive she wouldn't have allowed access from the start and the daughter probably would have wanted to see him when she came of age. Perhaps she heard her mum cry herself to sleep for five years or something ... it's totally her decision not to see her dad and you can't beat yourself up for it. If we ever split and my kids never wanted to see their dad I would feel really sad actually.

He might be a cheat, he might do it again. He might not. Try to enjoy and be thankful for what you do have now, not consume yourself with worry about the future. I very much doubt his ex would want him back ... I'd never want someone back who hurt me so much.