Glad I missed that poisonous weirdiness from last night, hope you missed it too OP.
You sound so brave and so drained by all this. You're doing such a good thing, for you and for your children. It's so hard to keep fighting for your freedom and your peace of mind. But you're doing it and step by step you're getting through it. You keep on going because there's no choice. Staying where you are now is intolerable, what's sucking the life out of you right now is what you will be free of eventually. It's insidious. I know it well.
But you are getting through it.
I don't know if this helps, but from the depths of a comparably awful hell (but not exactly the same), I'm thinking how to be kind to myself, how I'd talk to someone else under this duress. My thought is: Don't set your bar too high. You're in a terrible situation right now, so don't expect to be Teflon Woman and slide on through it without it touching you. You're going to get hurt by this, you're going to get injured. But you're going to survive, and live to heal. I'm a bit worried that sounds too miserable, but I guess if you're expecting to have resilience drained, and to feel like utter crap, and remember that doesn't signal weakness, doesn't signal failure, doesn't signal that you're giving up... It's an expected reaction to a terrible situation, and maybe if you kind of try and accept it, try not to worry about it, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, and keep in your head, you're getting out, you're getting out, you're getting out.
Sorry have no idea if that helps. I think I tend to beat myself up for not being able to shake it off, to be super human and not let it touch you, and expecting myself to have that ridiculous level of resilience and strength. I guess it's ok to be effected, it's ok to be injured, it doesn't mean you are losing the war, just means you're human.
