Finally leaving ea h - scared.

[ColaSpangles]

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Andro is correct, but possibly too polite. "F" can mean something else!

Cola, you sound so sorted! It's good to hear your strength coming through more with every posting. Best of luck with the new accommodation. Sending you un-Mumsnetty hugs as well.

[Looly71]

Morning Cola, just RTFT and wanted to add my encouragement and to tell you that you're doing a great job and heading in the right direction. Each new day is a day further away (emotionally) from him and his control.
It's only natural to have wobbles - but that's all they are - you'll soon be steady on your feet.
I'm 20 years away now and it's a great place to be and I know without doubt that my DC are happier than they would have been if I had remained with their father.
KOKO

[ColaSpangles]

Thank you so much for your supportive messages. They mean the world to me and are a safety net from being spaghetti brained by fw. To make you laugh- apart from the usual 'you are evil/mad/lesbian/having affair' (take your pick) he has also started on:'ok you've made your point now stop this nonsense'!!! Ie that's how he operates- threatens the worst to bring me into line. What he doesn't realise is that when normal people say something like I'm leaving you, it's after great consideration and it's because they now mean it whole heartedly.

[Cocoabutton]

Yes, I was told it was 'an absolute cheek' to consider leaving xH.

Whilst funny, what your H's comments mean is that he does not see you as a person. He does not understand you have made an autonomous decision, which is to leave. Therefore he does not get your point. At all.

After over three years of trying to divorce xH, I have still not managed this. There is utterly nothing resembling a marriage in our lives. Nothing. But he won't let go; and part of my recovery has been realising he does not have to, but I have to stop thinking there is some world where he will 'get it'. I am fairly confident I will be able to get out of the marriage by the end of the year, but I am doing so with only the assets I brought to the marriage, almost all of the childcare and a long walk back to sanity.

I need to get on getting DC ready

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Totally agree, Cola.

Mind, now I'm wondering what he reckons your "point" is/was and (following that to its conclusion) what happens now that he's allegedly taken your point.

Don't bother to answer that, or even think about it; that way probably lies madness!

[RandomMess]

I just want to cheer you all on from the side lines.

Slowly and surely you will escape to complete freedom

[ColaSpangles]

Hi to anyone who kindly lent their wisdom to me on this thread! I have served the papers. I'm on way through jungle to sanity. Wish me luck!

[Gide]

Hey Cola, how are things going? Have you found somewhere to stay while this gets sorted? Be strong, you've done the hardest thing, I'm full of respect. A friend has just done similar, Thursday is D day in front of a judge.

[SwearyInn]

Hi - only read this for the first time but so pleased to hear you've made such a big step. I wish you the very very best in sorting out your ex-free life - and be assured you are doing exactly the right thing for you and your children.

[ColaSpangles]

Hi Gide, not sorted accom yet but plan to hang on to family home so while I can manage in house I will. But have plan B ready in case it all goes ballistic. Thanks for support!

[ColaSpangles]

Hi SwearyInn thank you, the validation on here is invaluable. I truly appreciate every word. It's got me through.

[SwearyInn]

I'm sure there are many, many others on MN will be so pleased to hear your news too!

So bumping thread for you as I think posting at midnight may not attract a big audience!

Again - good luck and KOKO

[ColaSpangles]

Thanks Sweary! Midnight seems to be my time because kids not sleeping well and behaving horribly. To be expected I guess but it's not good. STBX behaving weirdly normal. Anyway decree nisi next according to sol.

[SwearyInn]

What a big step on th e degree nisi!

Do you have any contact with STBXH or is it all via solicitors? And I hope you have settled into more permanent accommodation and that you and your kids feel safe as you absolutely deserve it.

It must feel so good being the one in control now!

[ColaSpangles]

Hi Sweary, yes it is good to feel in control and to see light some way down the tunnel. Thank you, we are in a safe place but STBX has lost his power to frighten me. It's good to feel strong again. I just wish I hadn't had the strength unwittingly sapped away over the years. But good things have come from it - my dc.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Leaving on the quiet is absolutely the way. Finding the support of a few useful and helpful people (sounds mercenary but it really is the safest way, especially if they don't have any stake in your relationship, ie not related) is key. A couple of colleagues or friends just of yours to whisk you away hile he's out of the house, is key.

If you have time to bide, do a big tidy up so you know exactly which cupboards to open and empty and where your important documents are (hopefully already out of the house - I had to work all this shit out myself in the early noughties, without mumsnet to guide me!)

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

And just realised tat this wasn't started an hour ago, but 2 days and an hour ago.

Good on you for keeping your resolve against the dickhead. x

[ColaSpangles]

Thank you Stick for your support. I appreciate it very much. I've been with the dickhead since the 90s and I wish MN had been around then to make me see sense!

[FreeFromHarm]

Hi Cola, the day I left with DC , I had 240 abusive texts/calls , I know it is hard, but the hardest bit per say is done...leaving, you have made the right decision, I know I did. xx Stay strong , I know it is hard but try and ignore him.

[ColaSpangles]

Hi friends, just updating because finding it very tough atm. The court sent him court summons without my lawyers alerting me in advance so we were both taken completely by surprise. Out of blue and it's awful. We're under same roof again because nowhere else to go. I am thinking I should move away to temp accom to get away from the bitter fury-zone, the "you've destroyed this family" constant ranting in from of kids. I feel like I'm on a volcano :-( I feel wiped, like a tired old dishrag.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Can you get him barred from the house? Has he done anything worthy of an order? What does your solicitor say?

[Cameron07]

Absolutely doing the right thing just make sure you have enough money. Always have a raf fund( run away fast!! ) men like these never change

[ColaSpangles]

Thank you for replies. Yes I have a raf fund I can't get him out with court order without making it an entirely different level- he's explosive paranoid and highly dramatic and self involved. I would def have the background to do it but it would (in his twisted logic) sever his r/s with kids which would be damaging to them. Court proceedings seem to be happening quite quickly though and I guess where we both live will be part of that?

[ColaSpangles]

Don't feel strong anymore it's gone on too long. I feel like a wet rag lying on floor. hope my strength returns I'm usually much more resilient.

[CrikeyPeg]

Oh Cola it's so tough, esp with you being back under same roof and no idea the summons was coming through. Do you have temp accommodation that you can go to if needs be? Even if it's just somewhere you can go for a couple of days to recoup some strength - use some of the raf fund if you have to. Or family - is there anyone near by? Take care Cola