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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally leaving ea h - scared.

135 replies

ColaSpangles · 03/04/2016 23:39

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColaSpangles · 09/04/2016 05:01

Love the text response!

Hopping, glad your ex is in that mode, I know what you mean about enjoying the peace but knowing it won't last. Here, the spaniel eyes have now been replaced by the more usual (for him) "you evil bitch" etc. "And that's why I left" is definitely an appropriate response to that.

I know euphoria is waiting in the wings but I've got a lot of shit to trawl through first. Groan.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColaSpangles · 09/04/2016 08:53

He's now gone back to wounded love machine

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 09/04/2016 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 09/04/2016 09:34

Flowers KOKO

Keep looking forward to living your day to day life without him in it!

amarmai · 09/04/2016 11:57

"wounded love machine"!! you 'll survive,op. Love your sense of humour.

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 09/04/2016 12:28

If I don't respond he calls. If I ignore he ramps further so have had several long rants on phone, text, email. Nightmare. What's KOKO - is it Keep On, Keep On?

OP posts:
PestilentialCat · 09/04/2016 12:44

Keep On Keeping On Smile

NanaNina · 09/04/2016 13:10

Have you actually left Cola? Sometimes I think it helps to think of these men as children e.g. "well I'll be good and then I'll get what I want - doh - I'm not getting it so I might as well play up again." Obviously this isn't a conscious process but I think you'll get what I mean. Do you have to listen to his rants - can you not just cut him off. Do hope you are moving in the right direction.............

HoppingForward · 09/04/2016 14:04

Seriously, block him. Turn off your phone, send his email address to junk mail and turn notifications off.

Have a couple if days off so you can think straight.

PhoenixReisling · 09/04/2016 14:10

I agree with hopping. He is still trying to continue his abuse/control by doing this. He is also trying to ware you down and draw you back.

Give yourself permission and take back the control. You don't need to speak/reply to him I would call WA and the police.

Block him on everyone's phones and Send emails to junk mail.

CrikeyPeg · 09/04/2016 22:21

Oh Cola he's trying to wear you out/down with his barrage. As others have said above, block him and send emails to junk, turn notifications off. Does he know where you and the dc are?

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 10/04/2016 10:34

KOKO - my new mantra Smile

Nina I have left but am in temp accom. I do listen to his rants but only at controlled times as am out. However, I need to take next step now. That's scary. I won't go into details because of outing myself - but you can prob guess. Wish me luck Grin

I agree with them being like large, horrible overgrown child. He is definitely spoilt and it's natural for him to assume that because he's "wounded" and doesn't want this, I should fall back into line, have r/s with someone I don't want to just to keep him happy. Imagine duty sex for the rest of my life Sad Sad Sad !!!

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 10/04/2016 11:55

"And that's why you left!" :)
You are so brave Cola, well done! Flowers KOKO!

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 10/04/2016 23:21

Thank you sticky Smile I don't feel brave but thank you for support! I am definitely stronger than I was a week ago when I left. Had a great pile of bullshit chucked at me today and was able to calmly deflect instead of feeling intimidated.

OP posts:
CrikeyPeg · 11/04/2016 00:52

Good going Cola :)

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 08:32

Please don't listen to his rants.
You owe him NOTHING!!!
He starts, you hang up and ignore any other calls.
He'll soon get fed up of trying.
I honestly can't imagine listening to someone have a go at me on the phone.
You just need 2 words - Fuck Off - then hang up.
It's gonna be hard but you can do this.
Well done - KOKO!

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 12/04/2016 20:29

Thank you Crikey and Hellsbells. I'm deflecting the lurve machine atm. I'm sooo tired. But I keep referring to thread for courage and strength.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 12/04/2016 20:35

Well done ! It's hard when the person you trusted most in the world becomes your enemy, it's hard to accept. This will be worth it in the long run.

Keep it up !

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 12/04/2016 21:24

Thank you, PWG. It's exactly that, once you're out, or semi out, you look back and realise that those terrible things they've said or done are things you would hear with horror and probably contact police if you hadn't become so inured in a terrible way Sad

OP posts:
CrikeyPeg · 12/04/2016 22:49

Keep those deflection shields in place Cola. You leaving could possibly be the most important thing you ever do for your dcs! :) KOKO

Expatmomma · 13/04/2016 11:02

Well done for leaving.

That's one of the hardest steps.

Brace yourself for him ramping things up... Making false accusations etc.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?
It's really important to get good advice and please do document document document.

Avoid phone falls if you can... Much better if he makes all this statements in writing.

You may never need the documentation but it is always best to have.

I left someone very similar to your ex.

6 years on .. Life is beautiful and serene and happy

Best thing I could have done for my kids... They too were on eggshells.
And now are very happy.

Original poster
ColaSpangles · 13/04/2016 21:17

Thank you so much crikey and expat. It's so good to have validation. I'm being accused of destroying the DC's lives and it kind of drips in even though I know it's his abuse that led to this.

OP posts:
Expatmomma · 14/04/2016 03:26

I was told all sorts of similar things.

But remember they are projecting.

I know it's hard to not believe their crap and bullshit and it can take a long time to stop believing it.

If it reassures you my son 2 years post separation and aged just 11 thanked me for removing them from that situation. He could already see at that tender age that life was better not living in that awful pressurized situation.

My worry was that they would grow up copying that behaviour and thinking it was normal to abuse a woman.

By leaving you are not ruining their lives but giving them a chance to not have their lives and future relationships ruined. And that is priceless.

SpecialNonOperations · 14/04/2016 05:38

Oh cola! Well done! You are doing so well!

hellsbellsmelons · 14/04/2016 08:50

You're hardly destroying them.
You are teaching them very valuable life lessons here.
You never put up with abuse.
You are saving them from a life of being abused by their DF and then probably in their subsequent relationships.
Well done.
Ignore his shite. He's no feckin' clue what he's talking about - dickhead!