I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.
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MiscellaneousAssortment ·
29/06/2016 13:35
Glad I missed that poisonous weirdiness from last night, hope you missed it too OP.
You sound so brave and so drained by all this. You're doing such a good thing, for you and for your children. It's so hard to keep fighting for your freedom and your peace of mind. But you're doing it and step by step you're getting through it. You keep on going because there's no choice. Staying where you are now is intolerable, what's sucking the life out of you right now is what you will be free of eventually. It's insidious. I know it well.
But you are getting through it.
I don't know if this helps, but from the depths of a comparably awful hell (but not exactly the same), I'm thinking how to be kind to myself, how I'd talk to someone else under this duress. My thought is: Don't set your bar too high. You're in a terrible situation right now, so don't expect to be Teflon Woman and slide on through it without it touching you. You're going to get hurt by this, you're going to get injured. But you're going to survive, and live to heal. I'm a bit worried that sounds too miserable, but I guess if you're expecting to have resilience drained, and to feel like utter crap, and remember that doesn't signal weakness, doesn't signal failure, doesn't signal that you're giving up... It's an expected reaction to a terrible situation, and maybe if you kind of try and accept it, try not to worry about it, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, and keep in your head, you're getting out, you're getting out, you're getting out.
Sorry have no idea if that helps. I think I tend to beat myself up for not being able to shake it off, to be super human and not let it touch you, and expecting myself to have that ridiculous level of resilience and strength. I guess it's ok to be effected, it's ok to be injured, it doesn't mean you are losing the war, just means you're human.
DonnaMurray1 ·
29/06/2016 04:56
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ColaSpangles ·
29/06/2016 00:00
Hi Crikey thanks for your reply and sorry I was slow to come back. After court papers unexpectedly arrived, I arranged 3 weeks temp accom which I can't really afford but it's there as bolt hole. I've been strong for a long time but I actually feel on the verge of mental collapse now. The good thing is, though scary, it's in motion via courts and I don't have to do anything. On the other hand I am not sure how much longer I can hang on to my strength. KOKO I guess. 
OP posts:
CrikeyPeg ·
20/06/2016 04:19
Oh Cola it's so tough, esp with you being back under same roof and no idea the summons was coming through. Do you have temp accommodation that you can go to if needs be? Even if it's just somewhere you can go for a couple of days to recoup some strength - use some of the raf fund if you have to. Or family - is there anyone near by? 
Take care Cola
ColaSpangles ·
18/06/2016 22:22
Don't feel strong anymore it's gone on too long. I feel like a wet rag lying on floor. hope my strength returns I'm usually much more resilient.
OP posts:
ColaSpangles ·
18/06/2016 22:20
Thank you for replies. Yes I have a raf fund 
I can't get him out with court order without making it an entirely different level- he's explosive paranoid and highly dramatic and self involved. I would def have the background to do it but it would (in his twisted logic) sever his r/s with kids which would be damaging to them. Court proceedings seem to be happening quite quickly though and I guess where we both live will be part of that?
OP posts:
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