Finally leaving ea h - scared.

[ColaSpangles]

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

Just seen this. Well done Cola, you sound so strong. KOKO! and

You're doing great Cola KOKO

Thank you so much for support. You are right and it really steadies me to have this thread as reality check. Just been home to collect stuff and had the full wounded lurve machine treatment. He is genuinely upset but as I said to him, it's many years too late to regret and offer to change. I've moved on. He can't accept that or respect it which is v frustrating. The funny thing is, I know he'll instantly get a new woman once we're divorced and it'll be flowers and sunshine for him. I am fine with that as it'll relieve pressure on me.

or respect it
Not just IT - it clearly shows he's learnt nothing and still doesn't respect you and what you want.
He's continuing as he always has done.
Well done. Stay strong. KOKO

Thank you, hellsbells KOKO indeed At least while he's playing the wounded hero, he's easy to deal with. It's when he starts on the "you're the most evil bitch in the world" mode that my blood runs cold for myself and kids.

I feel strange today - it's like a light has switched on - before I was hunted and definitely desperate to escape but not sure of myself, doubting my own mind etc, doubting I could do it, feeling there were insurmountable invisible walls in my way etc.

Today I feel like a different person - like, "yeah, you fucked up and I'm going, goodbye" - like a normal person instead of Stockholm syndrome person!!!!! Long long long may this last - wish me strength and peace

Thank you so much for support. Does anyone remember cheesy wotsits?

I absolutely wish you strength and peace.
You have that strength now though!
You will have wobbles but you are finally seeing things for what they were.
You will soon 'find yourself' and life can really begin for you.
cheesy wotsits rings a bell but I can't remember why?

Thank you

A group of us from the EA thread a couple of years ago used to hang out in a pub on the moors within OTBT - there were roaming, bellowing fuckwits stranded on the moors outside while we had drinks and cheesy wotsits and fabulous companionship inside It was humorous but almost brings tears now, seeing how we so wanted to be there in the safe warm cosy pub with the power to escape the bellowing fuckwits - bittersweet.

Slightly less strong today but thinking of it as wobble and no more....

EA leaves scars that mean that such wobbles are normal. If your husband had been telling you you won't cope without him it's normal due to the ea to sometimes hear those words in your mind and wonder if he is right.

Breaking away from an abuser is a process and can be 2 steps forward 2 back in our healing.

It is also one he of a roller coaster not just day by day by even hour by hour.

When you wobble just ask yourself do you want to or children growing up copying his behaviour and thinking that is normal? That thought have me the strength to push through the hard hours or days. I hope it does for you too.

Meant 2 steps forward 1 back

Sorry for all the autocorrects

Be a tree Cola. Stand strong. Let the wind blow through you and the snow slide off. You may bend but you are not fucking breaking. Not any more.

Be a tree.

Thank you expat and Doreen. Your words really mean so much to me at this time, everyone's words have. I feel pretty weepy today - like the layers of ancient wallpaper have peeled off and left raw skin IYSWIM!! Watching Goodnight Mr Tom this morning almost finished me off I love that film.

Coming back to my temp accom after dc handover feels amazing. The place is tiny but perfectly formed, really warm and cosy. I love it so much. It has no bad history, just tranquillity. Rambling now... only had one sip of wine

Yes, I remember cheesy wotsits at the pub on the moor! You have clearly name-changed, as have I - and I have not RTFT here, but stay strong

Very tired, so only a quick message to send encouragement - I needed the support of fellow Vixens big time, so just imagine you have made it over the Moor and your husband is on the train to the FSOF.

(With apologies to those who have not got a clue what I am on about). Courage and strength

Cocoa the vixens! To my shame I can't remember what RTFT means? What was the pub called? I always think about those pub mates and pray they all made it off the moor. Xxx

RTFT = read the full thread.

You're doing really well Cola!

Thank you, Andro!

You're doing great Cola :) I love especially that your temp digs are such a good place and space for you.

Morning - it was called the Vixens I think - why, I don't know. There was a poster who brought armfuls of daffodils in the spring and I think of her and all the ladies and make sure I have daffodils as long as I can. These are the small things which make a space your own and once you get your own place, then you can create your own memories.

I know at least one other Vixen left last year and another since divorced, so take heart that while your path is hard, others share(d) your fears and ups and downs. It takes a long time to get yourself back, it is just one step at a time. Be gentle on yourself - it is a positive thing you are doing. Don't feel bad or guilty- we had a period of attempted reconciliation last year and it taught me my own judgement was absolutely right and I had left for good reason! Stay strong

Thank you, Crikey and Cocoa for your words of support. I'm glad to hear that the vixens are progressing well, Cocoa . How lovely about the daffodils, I will buy pots for office and home tomorrow to think of you all . My temp accom runs out soon so have to make some decisions and be brave again ... sigh! Constant barrage atm. Also probs with dd's anxiety, unsurprising.

Oh, Cola, it is hard. I had a barrage for quite some time, if you mean from your FW. In fact, he stalled things every which way for so long, I gave up trying to divorce him. Yet. The best you can do is focus on what you and DC need, because that will help sideline him in your head.

Do you have support at all? Including for your DD's anxiety? My DS is in line for being assessed for SEN and anxiety is one of his symptoms. It gets worse at contact time, though he is fine there.

Re accommodation, is it possible to find somewhere to rent for a bit to build up your self and strength? FWs wear you down. What are the options?

Checking in to see how you are doing.

Do you have a plan for new accommodation?

Keep going and don't give up. The worst is behind you ... Leaving is hard. If you can do that you can do anything.

Hi Cocoa and Expat - thanks for your messages. I have good support for DD's anxiety but it's very hard for her. It's not just the situation at home, there are other issues, poor love, but we can manage it together. I have presented papers once, which he threw away, so now if the court deliver the papers, whatever he does with them, we can proceed.

Accommodation-wise, my haven finishes on Monday (sob). I don't want to rent somewhere more permanent because I want to keep dcs in family home long term. But I'm thinking of finding a similar short term place because I can't go back to family home atm, we were before I made my escape :( Even though short term is expensive, I think it's worth doing for my sanity and to make sure I can proceed with formalities without being intimidated. This has GOT to be it, I desperately crave life and light :( and I do believe it's best for dcs too, despite the constant "evil" propaganda.

Thanks as always for your support.

Checking in on you Cola I do hope you can find another nice spot accommodation-wise, and agree that while it may b expensive you need to be in good place so you can get on with the business in hand. KOKO

You are sounding strong and resolute!
It's good to get your updates.
KOKO you are amazing!