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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Finally leaving ea h - scared.

135 replies

ColaSpangles · 03/04/2016 23:39

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

OP posts:

Report

Costacoffeeplease · 04/04/2016 21:29

Can you block his number? Are you somewhere safe?

NanaNina · 04/04/2016 21:29

Cola firstly you are absolutely doing the right thing. However he is going to cut up rough - men like him are actually dependent though it might seem as though they are independent. He's already started with threats (does he know what you're planning) He will come out with all sorts of crap - the usual one is that you will not get the kids (don't know the ages of yours) and another is that they will commit suicide (they don't) They will use anything and everything to stop you going.

I think you need to take care and not give him any reason to think you are leaving. I don't want to be alarmist but a dangerous time for some woman is when the bloke finds out she is going and he can become violent. Can you make sure you keep it a secret and don't give him your new address. Is there anyone in RL who could support you - sorry I think you said your sister is in USA. I don't know if the children know, but if they do, make sure they don't tell him anything.

Try not to take any notice of his threats - really hope you get away - thousands of women have done it and never looked back. I'm sure WA would help with the move if there isn't anyone else.

You CAN do it.............................peace is just around the corner.

SugarDiabetes · 04/04/2016 21:31

How old are the DC, Cola?

Stay Strong!

RandomMess · 04/04/2016 21:34

Stay strong.

Have you phoned the police on 101 to inform them of these implied threats etc?

amarmai · 04/04/2016 23:43

he is scared of police involvement ,op.

ColaSpangles · 04/04/2016 23:55

Hi thanks for kind words everyone. The threats are more along lines of him getting kids, destroying finances etc. He's also threatened suicide but I called him on it- he did it last time I attempted a dash to freedom!

OP posts:

nagsandovalballs · 05/04/2016 00:05

Good for you! Don't be sucked back in by his bullshit. He may try a charm offensive at some point: resist, resist, resist! Keep records of all messages and try to record phone calls (google it for your phone).
If he begins to break your resolve, look at some of the shitty messages and/or make a timeline of all the horrible things he has done and said.

amarmai · 05/04/2016 00:19

there's another thread sort of like yours , op where the behaviours you are describing from your STBEX are all on an EA chart that a counsellor showed to another op. Are you getting counselling too?

primitivemom · 05/04/2016 00:23

Well done Hun, stay strong X

amarmai · 05/04/2016 00:33

sounds like he is increasing his abusive behaviour by saying anything that might make you not leave. I hope you have support in RL to help you to do what you need to do for your dcc and your sake. Have you called any of the agencies that are listed by MN ? I am not sure how you can access the list, but if you click on report you can ask them to send it to you.

NotnowNigel · 05/04/2016 00:55

Congratulations Cola, life is about to get a hundred times better.

You will be able to eat what you like, go out, stay in, make a mess, laugh and joke with your dc, enjoy things without someone sucking the pleasure out of it.

Make sure you inform bank (in writing preferably), council tax, bills, loans, cards etc that you are now split.

Do NOT let him in to your new house. Bancroft advises not ignoring entirely but to send boring, repetitive messages/texts/emails such as 'I'm sorry you're not happy but our separation was best for me and dc. I will not be coming back' - and then repeat variations of the same until he gets bored.

Stay safe and remember if you feel threatened or frightened in any way you can ring 999 or you could ring 101 now to just alert the police so that if anything does happen they will respond quickly.

PhoenixReisling · 05/04/2016 08:10

Either block his number or get a new one, so that you don't have to look at the texts etc. Please also call the police (especially about the threats) and stay in contact with WA. Could you block his number on the children's phone too?

Please remember he will do the following to get you back/gain control

Threats of violence
Threats of a suicide
Remorse
Charm offensive (he may even keep this up for a number of weeks)
Threats that he will take the children
Financial abuse

There also maybe some flying monkeys parents/siblings/friends that he will use to try and minimise his behaviour/the abuse (really to make you think that it was in your head).

Remember, you are doing this for your DC.

My blood ran cold, when you said that they walk on egg shells....

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2016 08:36

Ahhh... he's following the script nicely here so you can ignore are his threats.
He's a bully who's lost control so now he will try anything to get you back in line.
Pay no attention at all to any of it.
Keep all the threatening texts and emails.
WHEN he ramps up the threats then go the police and get them logged.
You might have to press charges for harassment if he doesn't let up.
This first step you've made is hard. Very hard.
Things will get harder though before they get better.
Don't let your resolve go. You've done the bit that takes the most courage and you are doing the right thing.
Keep a log of all phone calls and text or any communication and get to the police if you need to.
Well done! Stay strong.

ColaSpangles · 05/04/2016 14:25

Thank you so much for warmth and support, it means so much. I will c&p the Bancroft bland text, good idea there! Lots of ranting 'you are evil and hate family life' , 'if I don't have my family I don't have reason to live' type texts today. Good idea about the timeline. I don't want to slag him off to dc for their sakes but I know he will try and poison them against my actions.

OP posts:

CrikeyPeg · 06/04/2016 04:46

Thinking of you Cola.

LindyHemming · 06/04/2016 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorksAreMessy · 06/04/2016 22:24

Just checking in and wishing you well

HoppingForward · 06/04/2016 22:31

It's really hard but try to stay strong. I'm 9 weeks free... Best advice I can offer is peak to your GP and if you can afford it, or think it will help get some therapy. It's been a life saver for me.

ColaSpangles · 07/04/2016 07:59

Thanks so much for support everyone, it means so much. He's on the spaniel eyes and charm offensive atm. Hopping, well done on your escape! How's your ex behaving? Good point about the therapy. Ex here seems to think staying in r/s because of being coerced back would be a happy ending,

OP posts:

SugarDiabetes · 07/04/2016 08:31

Cola that just shows how he's thinking about himself and your needs don't come into it. Stay strong!

ColaSpangles · 07/04/2016 10:11

What's incredible is that he can't see at all that you can't force or guilt someone into an intimate r/s.

OP posts:

SugarDiabetes · 07/04/2016 10:18

And that's why you're best to leave!!

DoreenLethal · 07/04/2016 10:28

The only response for someone threatening their life depends on your actions is 'Crack on mate'. Honestly. Well done for getting out.

You can just respond 'And this is why I left. Hope that helps.' after every text.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/04/2016 15:41

'And this is why I left. Hope that helps.' after every text.

Pure genius. Both the sentiment and the broken record technique.

HoppingForward · 08/04/2016 09:52

Mine is in helpful Ex, can't do enough, will always be there for me mode at the minute which is peaceful but I know it won't last.

You just have to try and find a positive to smile about and think about how much easier and happier it will be in time, that's working for me right now. Stay strong

Flip

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