The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Springing Into Some Warmer Weather, Staying Sober Togeher

[Mouseface]

Hi, tis me, Mouse

Welcome to the Bus. We're delighted to have you here :) Not because if you're new to the Babes you are here for help, but because we welcome every kind of drinker. And for all of the reasons life throws at you.

Those that do drink, those that don't drink and of course those who do but don't want to say just how much..............

We've all had our own personal Groundhog Day , some still are and don't want to remain trapped in the same cycle day in, day out, and some still are and want to be which is fine and why we're here.

To talk, to listen, to just be us, like you are YOU. You never know, one day you might just want to wake up on a different day? :) There's no judging here, no 'sides.

After all, something made you click on and read this :)

Come say hi! We even do & if you're super quick!!

And if you want to see what we got up to in the last thread, have a look RIGHT HERE

And this is where our adventure began, almost six years ago now!!

ALMOST SIX YEARS AGO...........

Thankyou Venus and Wish xx

For the questions about how to get through the cravings I thought I'd share how that was for me:

It's funny as I NEVER thought I could ever be OK without drink, or be able to live a full life, I thought my life was OVER!! But somehow after 5 years of trying to quit then failing and all the good things in my life slowly falling apart (relationships, business, family, friends, financial mess, health) something clicked and I accepted that I had a problem (I see it as an illness) and if I didn't get well I was going to die. My problem was alcohol and drugs too - it was very dangerous and I'm lucky to still be here in full health.. That's where it took me unfortunately. With that realisation I got the fight in me to take action and do something, anything to get well.

My route was the AA route and I was told that I should ask for help, so I did and got a few numbers - so when I had a craving I would pick up the phone and talk to another alcoholic, mostly frenzied babble!! My now really close friend would just calmly talk me down and show me how well I was doing and that people got through this part otherwise there would be no AA!

I'd also try and remember the horrid times, the times where I just wanted to die and not be me anymore - and for me weirdly it was about that 10 seconds when you first wake up in the morning, when I got sober that was the most precious gift to wake up clear headed - unreal! So I'd think about how shit I would feel if I picked up a drink and that wake up moment I would feel like death and so sad... I'd walk my dog and clean my house, read, watch films, run to my mums house and get in bed with her and give her my car keys - I was also told cravings last 30 seconds so that helped knowing I just had to hang on..

As I've said my way is the AA way so I'm using that language as it is my recovery and experience, apologies if I offend and I'm not certain everyone considers themselves alcoholic on this thread...

I've just fed my DD she's edible - I just could pinch myself from where I was - I really value my life today as it was so retched! And a cup of tea does me wonders thankyou very much!!

As I understand it though, I drank because of a personality disorder - low self esteem being a big part of that - and when I found drink like we all do at a young age - it helped me feel normal - I still have those thoughts about myself - not feelingly enough, feeling really awkward in life, whirring head, scared of social situations etc....

I hope they go in time... It's exhausting sometimes!! Still wouldn't swap it thought for what I used to have!

Phew that was a big splurge of thoughts wasn't it haha xx

Well done elba! I hope you slept well.

claret how old is your DD? Was it a feed? Hope she settles well.

newmam I can really relate to your post. I'm so glad you are doing well and it gives me hope.

I slept well last night, no waking ridiculous early (what's that about) and no feeling like shit.

I think I was still drunk Sunday so Monday was the comedown day and I hope that feeling of dread is over and a new positive me is here.

Yesterday I ventured out briefly and got lots of fizzy water and elderflower to drink. I plan to eat tons of cucumber (my appetite is still shot) and I know that has tons of all the B vitamins in.

Today will be my 3rd AF (I'm getting to know the lingo ) and have crawled out the side car. Although I'm curious as to who the doll in te boot is

will she's 17 months but teething and clingy so I'm often up with her - she settles quickly but needs me and I hate seeing to her with a fuzzy head. It's so much easier when I've not been drinking.

Glad you are feeling better today and coming out of the hangover haze...sounds like you have good plans in place to be af. Keep with this bus, it helps so much.

elba how do you feel today?

newmam what an inspirational post, you speak such wise and true words. Thank you.

Good morning lovely babes,

I haven't been posting but reading every word as always. I have a very profound reason for being unable to post!!! I had acrylic nails put on at the weekend as part of my "I don't drink and I look fabulous" campaign, they are not keyboard or housework friendly!!! I asked dd1 whether or not I suited the nails and my daughter told me yes they were better because they made my fingers look less chubby!!!! Nice eh...

I need to do a big ole name check later to welcome everyone new, and of course my very dear friends of old too.

Holidays proving a challenge as dd2, who is 5 won't go to sleep before 10 at night and gets up at stupid o'clock and talks incessantly all the hours Inbetween, and I mean all the hours!!! Dd1 is 16 and moody as hell and also doing my head In!!!

well at least I'm sober and my nails rock!!!!!

Laters xxx

I'm off to the park with my ds (3yrs) with a picnic today. I have a lovely park near me with a lake with all sorts of wildlife. I've managed to cover my grazes enough to get away with it I think and not feel so self conscious.

Have a good day ladies

Thank you claret and will. Feeling quite proud of myself today, but ironically also feel really hungover which is not fair!! Didn't sleep well but didn't expect to, lots of weird (but thankfully not horrible) dreams but main thing is I've proved to myself it's ok. So new plan is commit to a minimum of one (but aim two) AF days a week and go from there. I did hide a bottle of wine in my wardrobe though as a kind of safety net in case I woke up in a massive panic but it is unopened and back in the kitchen. Maybe having some diazepam to hand would be a better idea but don't want to take that either.

newmam thank you for sharing that, I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I still can't see myself coping with life without alcohol, but im starting to test the water a bit. I have always wanted children desperately but had got to the point of being resigned it will never happen (I'm single in my 30s and with a lot of baggage, plus may have screwed up my fertility anyway through years of drinking and on-off eating disorders), but you're story gives me hope. You sound like a fab mum

For those of you who were regular drinkers, how much and how often was that? I hope that's not too much of an intrusive question...I just trying to see what I am. I think i am a mix of binge and regular....either way it's too much.

Just read this from MIFLAW on the original post...

^09/06/2010 22:48 MIFLAW

"So I'm a weak-willed hypocrite and you're not."

You're no hypocrite, Grace. By the sound of it, you're someone with a drink problem.

As for willpower - let's talk about willpower. My willpower was what enabled me to keep drinking. On the days when I woke up broke, depressed and feeling like shit, when the lightweights wer reaching for their orange juice and aspirin and saying "never again" (God, how I despised them, they were like children) I drank again and it was my willpower that gave me the strength to do that, to overcome the horror of it all and do what life had apparently cut me out for. I had a vocation and pain was not going to deter me.

Willpower plays no part in my not drinking. I do not need it because I have accepted that I am an alcoholic and that not drinking is what is right for me. Give it a chance and your willpower will kill you. This is not a metaphor.

I hope you can get to the same place too.^

What a great post!

elba thats a great aim, you've proven you can do it and now you can just build on your tools for how to cope. And just remember you will never regret an af day/night - that helps me get through it sometimes.

baby I always feel so sophisticated with fancy pant nails. Bet you look gorgeous Sod the fact they deem you incapable of using your fingers!

newmam low self esteem is at the root of my drinking too. I've never quite felt I'm good enough. I've often wondered just how I'll conquer that.

Elba wow! What an achievement. I remember you posting about how you couldn't possibly go to bed without a drink and now look at you

I know it's early days but tiny steps will get you're where you going just as nicely as big huge leaps. Might take a little longer is all and that doesn't matter one jot.

Will I used to love reading MIFLAW's posts. He was a straight talker and did ruffle a few feathers but he didn't give a fig. He was trying to help people and he did have a way of explaining things so that they made sense. I like the boxing ring analagy.

Right, so today is 3rd AF day. Normally I'd drink every 2-3 days (sometimes less often but then go nuts on the 4-5th). In the past I've always justified it by saying "well I've not had a drink for a few days" and go get a bottle of red.

So tonight in sitting here waiting for DH to come in (no friends in my area) and thinking how nice a glass of red would be. How do you all over come this?

will I'm not best placed to advise, but I remember reading somewhere online about a 15 minute rule. Essentially you tell yourself you can drink, but you have to wait 15 minutes and then see if you really want to. In that time do anything to distract yourself; go for a walk, eat something, have a bath, clean your teeth, go over in your head your motivation not to drink etc. Hopefully after that time the craving has passed, if it hasn't then you hqve given yourself a choice rather than feeling denied of what you want and most cravings will of resolved. I've used it to put back the time of my first drink and sometimes to resist having another drink, and it's helped.

faire thank you. I wouldn't of thought it possible a few weeks/ months ago so it's a massive psychological barrier hopefully overcome. Before I first posted here I spent months trying to make myself even regularly read forums/ threads like this let alone actually post and be honest. I feel quite emotional about how much you have all helped me...you are all so amazing

I've had a good day but started getting quite anxious this afternoon, and quite shaky. I struggle with anxiety and it's hard to tell if it was panic or mild withdrawal, objective self diagnosis didn't work in that situation! So I had a beer at 6pm, but im determined to moderate tonight. It's made me realise though that I've been burying my head in the sand a bit about physical dependence. I've been drinking over 10 units a night on average (less if working the next day, more if not) for years and I have to be careful. So I need to make sure I moderate and cut the units back on non AF days before I go for longer AF periods (sensible thing I know would be to have medical supervision and benzos etc). It was easy to kid myself that I was OK as I never drank in the day and could function but I guess this is what 'high functioning alcoholism' is, except the functioning bit has been gradually diminishing. But just doing that one night has given me the motivation that it is possible so I'm going to keep trying.

Thank you Elba I will definitely try that...

I always feel anxious the day after drinking so it could very well be withdrawal. Well don't for limiting yourself, each time you do that it's a little victory for you :)

Sorry I don't have better words of wisdom for you but you are doing great

Will those habits are the triggers that you need to try and avoid. The things that seem to work best are eating, having sweet treats, having alternative drinks (Becks Blue is popular if you think it won't trigger you) and doing different activities to distract your mind until the craving passes.

Elba I've just remembered another thing MIFLAW used to say. He said it's like being in a lift which only goes down. You can get out any time you like but the longer you stay in it, the lower you will sink. All the negative things that haven't happened to you, just haven't happened yet. Health risks, loss of jobs, friends, relationships, injury and even death. They are all down there if you stay in the lift long enough.

(I don't mean you personally btw, just in general)

I do think though, that once we start to be mindful about drinking, it's very hard to go back to 'head in the sand' about it.

I like that analogy faire. I think deep down even in my late teens and early 20s I've was aware of what could/ would happen eventually and have lived with a kind of constant supressed terror as to when and how the damage would materialise. I actually used to be secretly convinced I wouldn't live to 30 but I did, now I've the same feeling about 40. Reading that back I can't believe how much anxiety drinking has actually caused and for how long, especially as it's my default cure for anxiety!

But like you said it would take a lot to put my head back in the sand, so it might be a long journey but I'm determined to sort myself out.

Well done will and Elba.
will horrid baby doll lurks around the bus, usually appearing at Halloween but sometimes popping up to terrify people with her glassy eyed stare. Think Big Baby in Toy Story but more sinister...
We also have Barrie the Squid for slapping people with when they are wallowing in self-pity. On top of the bus is a giant silver sparkly stiletto and Indie can sometimes be found there, letting rip and shaking her norks at passers by!

Will hello there, hope you had a fine day at the park, nowt like a bit of fresh air eh?

In answer to your question, I'm mainly binge, usually before/during my days off. On the very odd occasion I would have one or two after a really bad day. Which puzzles me as it proves I can limit alcohol intake if I want to but it's like a day off gives me a free pass. Before pup arrived I could easily reach and breach stupor level. The depths to which I've sunk in the past have been downright scary, foolish and even dangerous.

There is something instilled deep within me not to do this on the days I am on duty. I am a grade A blotter of pain, stress and distress. When I am off it's almost as if there is an equally ingrained need to gallop to the finish line.

Tonight I had a drink. Not a bad day at work, but a bad day at home. I have just taken pup out, I am aching with disappointment as I was coping beautifully with almost everything. I'm on duty tomorrow so I have the added torment that I can't have any more. I just can't.

I will have to pour the rest away.

claret I am a pyjama and scrubbed face person too. It's the only way. I thought I could do it. Pup is of the age I have to limit her walks so it's easy to head to the pyjama drawer. When I had my last major blip in December I took the decision to crop my hair. It was breaking off anyway due to the lupus, but I felt so ugly and worthless on the inside, I just didn't care. I am now very, very grey. Without makeup I look quite washed out. It's a good deterrent. As for busying my hands, I have just read the Marie Kondo book.

My new aim is to give my life a bit of a red-up. So many of my wardrobe failures were actually bought in vino. Many still have the labels on. They are not nice memories and they certainly do not spark joy.

baby love you and your lovely nails! You have inspired me, I am going to get my manicure kit out. My hands are a disgrace... no polish for me tuntil I'm off again, but I can give them a bit of care. I need to tackle the epilating situation, mammoth-like pretty much everywhere. My brows are gorgeous. Short hair means no hidey places for shaggy caterpillars.

Faire I remember MIFLAW. Pulled no punches. I also loved the posts. Another person I miss is ShabbyChic. For some reason I felt she just needed a bosie. I didn't agree with all of her posts but she said what she felt. I wish I could be as brave in my day-to-day life.

I know I am rambling, but it's keeping my hands busy and with pup free range I daren't have any liquids near the laptop.

I bought some new bedding yesterday, French linen, ready for the warmer weather. After I Kondo my bedroom, it will be a quiet haven, muted and elegant. (I hope).

I saw a perfect throw for my haven on ebay the other day, a beautiful combination of cable and moss stitch. I am a non knitter. I can do a dishcloth at best. A neat dishcloth. For the knitters on the bus, how hard would it be to make one of my own? I need a project, and a throw. Would it be manageable for a beginner or would I be wasting wool?

I am hoping that my epic post won't incur the wrath of the eternally spinning wheel...

Here goes....

And into the ether.....

G'wan ma. Barrie me. You know you want to

Whoop! Thank you t'internet! You worked!

Get you wry and your fancy bedding.
Perhaps you could knit me a cover for my triangle.....

Keep at it quine, you can do it.
Had a shit meeting today, Board meet tomorrow. All grim.

Yay to no whirlygig wry...your previous posts did bring a smile to my face (and hurt my grazed fat lip in doing so, but that's a good reminder as to why I'm on the bus).

ma I now feel the need to stick my head out the window to find the stiletto?

Thanks for listening to my rambles these last two days babes....sorry if I've gone on a bit too much but it's keeping me focuses.

ma do you want purple cuffs to match your collar? In my mind's eye you are still thistle heided. I could do it in that hairy eyelash wool..

I still haven't read back, lazy and catching up with some cpd, so am a bit out of touch. Oh god ma, here's me wittering on and you have serious work stuff hanging over your head. Is it funding? Och, I'm sorry quine.

In an inane attempt to make you smile, I have found....

Fun. Fur. Yes really. And....

Variegated. Variegated?!

Fancy.

I hazard mine is more varicosed than variegated.

Hello...shuffling on to the back of the bus waiting for hangover to kick in. Tea brewing.