Good morning lovely babes,
elba my heart really goes out to you, you seem in so much conflict with your drinking and your emotions. I couldn't moderate in any way and for me a drinking night meant during that night, the next day and sometimes many thereafter. Sometimes I just felt living was too hard and alcohol allowed me to "check out" for a while. It started as my magic elixir and became a poison I used to self harm. I think it may be the same for you. The good news for you is that when you know you can't drink you don't so you have self control and that's bloody brilliant, you are doing so very well and every day starts with an "A" and yesterday is gone.
I hate going to bed at night too, I hate thinking about all the terrible things I've done, I'm terrified of a future without alcohol so I choose to just live in the moment, that's all that's real after all. Enjoy your lunch and laugh with your friend, that's the real stuff, that's living, huge big hug xxx
will same to you lovely, it's a new day and it's the only day that matters, lots of water and a bit of fresh air and you'll feel heaps better xxx
lala hell no wonder you drink. Your life seems frought with negativity and some very unpleasant people, could you look into a house share or get your own place? If your paying your Mums rent then it might be enough to get a wee place in your own or with a pal?? I'm so jealous that you have a horse, I love to ride and try to get a lesson or hack whenever I can but its so expensive, our fabulous wry also lives a good ride!!! Ooooh Errr xxx
ma I'm looking somewhat contorted cos every limb is crossed for you, you deserve this, I admire you so much, life keeps throwing you lemons and you keep making lemonade, today's the day the Gods will have your back xxx
So in other news my weight is getting me down, I'm on a medication called quetiapine for bipolar, it's famed for causing weight gain because it makes you crave sugar, within an hour of taking it I'm actually getting up from my sleep to eat sweet things, totally pigging out and going back to bed. Then I feel sick, guilty and slovenly the next morning and wrongly think what's the point of eating healthy and doing excercise after the binge which is all the more reason to bloody do it!!!!!
Also my 5 year old dd is being very challenging and not going to bed before 10. It's very very challenging and I'm knackered and she is very very stubborn, lots of triggers but there's no room in my chaotic life for alcohol, it will only make my life and my head more chaotic so one day at a time go !!! Xxx
I keep harking back to habit but honestly over time the cravings really do go away, I don't crave it at all, sometimes I wish I could quieten my erratic thoughts, I wish I was normal whatever that is, I have nowhere to hide from my thoughts and feelings, God there's so many feelings!!!
I'm a work in progress living a life in progress, hell aren't we all...
I think Bob Dylan or Was it John Lennon whose lyrics said "life is what happens when your busy doing other things"
Ain't that the truth!!!
Love you guys xxx