FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

I meant more something stupid to himself. I don't know why I've suddenly become worried about that. Maybe it's just the silence playing tricks on my mind. I wish I at least had someone over there who could tell me. If he doesn't reply I will have to check he's OK at least.

Don't check on him he is doing this on purpose, he seems to know what buttons to push.
My ex threaten suicide and quote "I don't know what else" which was a veiled threat to harming us all but it was all hot air
Really it is jus posturing and hot air
By you not checking he will know you are serious, if you contact him he will know that he has you

This is tough, you need someone with you to sound off and just put their hand on your arm and look at you and tell you are doing so well
It ishard to disengage and die tangle yourself from an abusive arise. Remember that

That anxious feeling of waiting & wondering what the response will be is horrible. But that is how he has been controlling you, by making you scared to confront him. So (hard as it is) you need to try to "own" the uncertainty, admit that you don't know how he will respond but not be anxious about it. Take some deep breaths, tell yourself you are not under his control any more and you will be able to deal with whatever he comes back with. You make your own decisions and you are the one in control of your life.
You've seen some fantastic answers to the things he's likely to throw at you, you've spoken to the police, you can handle this.
Visualisation may help when you do eventually see him face to face. Imagine you have a guard of mumsnetters standing around you, we are there, by your side, keeping you strong and giving you tips on what to say. Like an invisible shield. I used to visualise a bubble around myself, like a force field that repelled the verbal abuse and crap he came out with and only accepted the info I needed regarding the Dc's or selling the house. If I'd have had MN back then I would have had a load of virtual bodyguards instead!

Hi Mo - sorry - missed the point. No one can ever really be sure in saying someone won't harm themselves. But your ex is WAY too selfish to do this. Please don't bite. He wants you to worry. It's his standard operating proceedure.

Sorry missed your last post.

Don't worry about him. It really doesn't sound like he's the type to do something like that. And if he did, it would not be your fault. Threats of that nature are just emotional blackmail and yet another way for him to control you. Don't play his game.

He's realised you're not falling for his bullshit so hrs reverting to his previous tried & tested method of radio silence. I suspect thinking that if he goes quite you'll wonder what's happened, chase after him & reinforce his image of you being mentally unstable & not really meaning it when you say you're separated.

Ok maybe I'm just panicking. I'll call CMS equivalent this morning.

**quiet not quite

He's a supremely self centred man who has been fine with ignoring you for days knowing you were unhappy to the point of leaving. He is attached to his money and lifestyle, not people. He is more likely to be shocked and put out than emotionally devastated.

You are not responsible for how he feels or what he chooses to do about it, you're both free agents now. He has the option of lots of different forms of support, he has friends out there, but that network has to no longer include you. I'd try and avoid showing concern or checking he's ok as that gives him mixed messages when he's had enough problems understanding that you're leaving when you say it in words of one syllable. It's also important that if this is manipulation tactics they don't work for him.

X post with kitty.

Find something to do to keep you busy (as if you're not busy enough with 3 Dc's!) but something that will burn off a bit of nervous energy and take your mind off things for a bit. Clearing out wardrobes or deep cleaning a room helped me distract myself. I also ran a lot but appreciate you may not be able to get out and do that.

Ok thank you, you're making me see a different side to it. He never thought for a minute that the stress he's put me under, if I'd been weak and disturbed enough, could have made me suicidal. You're right. He's going to be far too protective of his money to let it go that easily.

I think that appearing emotional, having a "breakdown" threatening suicide etc is part of the script.

If he really cared about you and the dc you wouldn't be here would you.? So yes he's quite possibly upset or sorry but for himself because you're not behaving how he wants.

Don't worry about him he certainly didn't worry about you living on 89p per day while he had a lovely time on his nth holiday.

Download a mindfulness app to help during these anxious times.

I wouldn't worry about him harming himself...he is far to selfish and arrogant to do that. The radio silence is probably him realising that in regards to money he will have to pay more than he has done. Also, if he doesn't pay it it would be highly embarrassing and tarnish his image.

Please, please have someone to stay with you whilst he is back in the country.

We all know he's an abuser. Abuse is about control.

He's been a financial abuser because that's how he's been able to control you in the past. Now, you're showing yourself to be above the tactics he's used in the past and he's lost his control over you. He's going to need a little time to reassess and work out how best to regain control of you so it may go quiet for a little while whilst he plans his next step.

This means you are now both in unknown territory. Things are less predictable.

It may be beneficial for everyone to continue to expand on the list of suggestions already started of how he could swap tactics.

If you can predict his next moves, you can be better prepared and therefore stronger in your dealings with him and less affected by his future attempts to control you.

So come on Mo supporters, put your heads together to compile the ultimate list of what might happen next, and more importantly what Mo needs to do to deal with each most effectively.

This is the low after the high, I suppose. I'm stronger and the elation hasn't totally worn off but the worry is creeping back in.

He's just given me my answer by not even saying a word. He's transferred the usual amount into my account. So there we are, it is officially war.

Well, bring it on....bring it on.

I would think he's most likely to be urgently seeking advice from accountants as to how to protect his money before he does anything else.

As you are separated and you have told him you want no more to do with him then this should come as a relief. I know why it doesn't though. You are used to getting reassurance from him so that anxious feeling disappears. Not having that is a horrible feeling. But look at it this way. He is doing what you have asked. He is meeting his current commitments staying out of your way and letting you get in with it. Now you push for proper maintenance and let the process take over.

It doesn't matter how many opportunities he has. He can't do respect or decency. Anything you achieve will be by using organisations and the law to achieve the legal minimum to which you are entitled. I can remember being in your shoes and being shocked time after time. It's so hard to grasp that someone you made a family with has no respect at all for you or the DCs. But that is the message he keeps giving you. It's not you. It's him.

Agree with you rumble. He will be seeking legal and financial advice to protect 'his' assets.

Yes, agreed with mama.
the long gruelling being talked at, reasoned with & the "concept" explained are draining, & get your head spinning. So learn to leave the room.
You can cut him short."my viewpoint isn't changed"
So make sure you have appointments to go to, or have organised to help your Mum, anything, just go & sit in café, or to library to read up on AE !! or go for a swim (if you can afford it)
the one big thing on former list that came to me, is
the unrelentless emotional blackmail over your children's happiness, this he is going to use as it is your Achilles heel. He knows it and will use it. what is best for them, what a broken family will/won't do, school opportunities, uni/job options, holidays. Your little tantrum held up against 3 peoples future. You need to prepare a vice like reply to this, to stop him using it to nerve you.
so." I have had months of ensuring my children happiness alone", "they will be happier without financial abuse", "The role model you provide is noxious", "What you provide will not buy healthy whole balanced children"

should read Unnerve

oh & the other thing I missed on the list
threats of suicide (standard): jog on
I predict he is presently either rearranging a trip home, or making appointments with his accountant/solicitor/banker

I suggest always reply with the shorted possible succinct phrase. any long agonising, analytical diatribe is wasted on him, & emotionally draining for you.
so practise now, (as in a game )