FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Lots of brilliant advice, thank you Mix.

The irony is, I don't even CARE about money and yet here I am fighting my arse off for it.

I think that he is trying to come back.

If he is abroad, it would be difficult due to the time difference to discuss assests etc with accountants etc (as they may/may not have knowledge of UK law).

Also, expect some flying monkeys like his parents, his siblings, his friends to also pile on the emotional guilt tripping re: splitting up a family, the effect on the children, how you won't cope etc etc.

Like mix said, get prepared with some stock anwsers.

I don't doubt one sibling in particular will attempt to get involved, take his side and try to guilt trip me. I'm prepared for that and it doesn't worry me any more.

I've just submitted my application for child maintenance (well, only initial details) but it's a start! It could take some time because he's abroad and they have to liaise with the authorities there yada yada. And the best bit it, it won't cost me a penny, not even an application fee like the CMS. But he won't know that. He probably thinks I won't do anything like this because of the fees involved. Pah.

Ah, yes, the Flying Monkeys!

Mind, he's limited in his choices - he certainly can't risk asking the people he wants to look good in front of.

Reminds me to ask, have you told your eider circle if friends? Might as well get in there first. And if he's going to waste time trying to live in a river in Egypt, you might as well reap the benefit!

Wider, not eider. #badphone

Yes, I'm starting to spread the word now. Even my lovely neighbours when I get the chance. It's well and truly out in the open now, at least in my world. No shame, no secrets, only facts.

I can't help but marvel at the difference from your first post when you were not even clear there was an issue and where you are now, astonishing
What a virtual party we shall have the night in your own home

My favourite stock answer is "that's not what i want"

Great advice on here as ever, an infinitely long line of us, shaking pompoms / brandishing shields for you.

When I read your comment, Mo, that 'this is now war' i felt for you. I think you have been in a war for some time. This might just be the beginning of the end. All the very best.

interesting, in spite of now realising the "budget" has been the starting point for your dissent, even saying you had formerly endorsed it.... he hasn't added an extra couple of quid to assuage the problem. (altho now he may be worried that if you have the means you can pay a SHL panicking

Morning Mo well done started ball rolling with maintence. I woulnt worry about him doing himself in - surely (will depending) on his death you inherit the house 100% his bank account and assets/car/wine collection. He's not going to do you the favour of disappearing and giving you all that!!!

If he's transferred normal about he's biding time until he can get home and chat to you so situation normal.

He really does think when he comes home he can talk me out of all this silliness.

Well I'd say at least you'll find his attempts entertaining, but then as Frankie Howerd says, it's wicked to mock the afflicted.

How are you doing this afternoon Mo?

When he comes back, you don't have to listen to him when he talks. You can leave the room or put your headphones on. Your verbal responses can be the same as if they were on email.

Way to go Mo!

Only just caught up. Fantastic going. I too love his determination to mansplain such a simple concept to you. It just about sums him up.

I hope that should you have to face him, the memory of this thread will keep you giggling at him while he chunters on.

Do the deep breathing to keep the panic at bay, and practise your responses. You'll be fine.

Can you go back to that fabulous shl and find a way to keep him out of the house? Maybe a family member could lend you a couple of hundred for that?

We've just been watching MasterChef. When I read threads like this one,mwith these idiotic, ridiculous little men lording about all over the place for no good reason, I like to imagine them on a competition like MC. Very public. Well known experts that you can't really argue with. Your h is there because he thinks he can cook. He is demolished!!! His ideas, his flavours, his implementation, his presentation, every aspect is critiqued to within an inch of his life and he has to listen and pretend he doesn't mind. His eyes are flashing with fury but he is helpless. And he has to go to his empty home because you have kicked him out already, his 'friends' have dropped away because you were the one they enjoyed spending time with, and little old ladies recognise him and say "are you that one on MC? Never mind dearie, we can't all be the best".

For some reason this amuses me.

Mo, please do call the police on the non emergency number and tell them you are worried about how he will behave given the circs. If they ask if you think he may get violent, you need to say yes because you can't be sure that he won't.
They will log it and if you have to all again, it's all good info that will come in useful.

FinallyHere, your mantra of "that's not what I want" has lodged in my head and I've woken up with it, imagining saying it to him, over and over, every time he starts. I can see how you can bounce anything off with that simple little sentence.
Thank you.

Amibeing: women's refuge lady told me the same thing about the police. That's quite a scary thing but yes I will probably do it.

The days are so intense at the moment and when I'm not thinking about this to myself, I'm doing something about it (making calls, sorting my stuff out at home), and when I'm not doing that, I'm talking about it to someone, and when I'm not doing that I'm on here chatting to you guys. It really is non stop. It's amazing I've got time to look after my kids.

We had a wonderful day yesterday. Spent lots of time with friends and their kids, over several hours and the kids played non stop. Then in the evening my wonderful friend came over for a catch up and I filled her in - we talked about him coming back, which she focused on as I think she's genuinely worried for me. We've agreed that she'll have the kids the morning he's due back, and she said her husband can come over and fit a lock on one of the bedroom doors if I want. We also talked about who I could have in the house for support when he's here but that is actually not that easy to work out. A female friend might feel intimidated too. A male friend might spark an argument and accusations of an affair "what's he doing here" sort of thing. If it's someone he doesn't know, he could ask them to leave. A family member is tricky too, because I don't have any locally and I don't feel comfortable enough with any of his in that way. So I'm a bit stuck on that and still giving it some thought.

[smiley face icon here]. Glad you woke up with empowering thoughts.

Just for the record, though, I mentioned it because I thought that was the phrase he used to fob you off and not answer your questions. Seemed the perfect phrase to me, to return the favour. I think it's a good one and would stand you in good stead. [shakes pompoms | brandishes shields]

And assertiveness, not aggression, is what you need. Think about a rota of friends, easier than over depending on. One person.

On violence, you are absolutely right to be prepared. From what you've said however he is the sort of cautious person who will never want to be in the wrong so is unlikely to lose control or to be deliberately violent. But you never can tell, so yes, be prepared.

Have you done your document protection? Sorry to bang on but really important as he may try to seize or shred, wouldn't see that in the same category as as violence.

GoMo..

Glad you had a really good day yesterday Mo. Can I just say photographs? Do you have copies?

I think a rota of friends/relatives is an excellent idea.

You could also, plan activities/visits so that you are not in the house...he will need to get used to having the children by himself.

Is it likely that he will invite his parents/siblings over....for an intervention (flying monkeys)?

It's great you have support in RL too. Just having friends standby who can just happen to pass by and pop in for coffee if things getting intense is a good thing. Think just him knowing that family and friends know is a powerful sign. It's not just him against you.

I would try plan so you can pop out each day leaving kids with him so he can see that you have a life and it didn't relove around him. Even if end up sitting in car round corner for hour just to have reason to get out. Or plan met up friends in park for hour. Yes you need time together and with kids but you don't need be 24/7 together.

Difficult know to put lock on door now or just on stand by. It does look more aggressive keep out - which fine if you are worried but don't want up the anti unnecessary.

GoMo [love it]

Re the lock on the door: a simple wedge such as is used to prop a door open, wedged into the middle of a door to keep it closed is as good as a lock. It doesn't stop the door being busted off its hinges, but then no lock would do that. Best have a few spares in reserve. They are very unobtrusive, not likely to inflame and very much fit for purpose. [flourishes pompoms | brandishes shields]

The wedge is fine if you're inside already. But if you want to keep a room for you that isn't going to have him sitting inside already, then it's not going to work

I think a proper Yale lock now is fine, you could have had it fitted to feel more safe whilst on your own. I think I'd want that so I could be sure of my own space.