FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Send him a link to the new emotional and financial abuse legislation and see what he makes of that. ..I bet he will go deathly silent.

Remember: god yes I like that idea. I need to find the link I had before with bullet points laid out - if your partner forces you to ask for money, if your partner denies you access to finances etc.

But you're right: I'm not going to respond. Anything I say is ammunition for him. Silence might force him to actually think (not hoping for a turnaround I swear).
Bloody old heat of the moment. Even though I know, I still (almost) fall for it every time.

To claim he doesn't understand is just farcical.

tempting to write, "you try living on 89p a day arsehole"

Mo is there any way that you could dump his emails to you into a folder and read them as and when you like?

If you did this, it could give you a little breathing space and also help you to not respond to his endless questions/wanting explanations from you.

You could also (if you did anwser), just re-send your previous message --then you wouldn't have the bother of typing it out. Again.

I was going to suggest writing a standard email with some of the suggestions given already and every time he starts and asks etc. just resend the same one! It's classic broken record technique.

I was going to suggest

"I am no longer able to respect you as a partner or even parent of my DC due to the financial abuse you have subjected us to"

Damn you're good, Random. I love your suggestion. The shorter and more succinct the better.

No details, I love that. But it will make him think what financial abuse? Ohhhh she means that.

Hi Mo, agree that you shouldn't respond with an essay as he'll just tear ot apart and argue with you that you're wrong (you're not).

Basically, he treated you, and his DC, like shit, with no love or affection or care, and with a big smirk on his face because he thought he could and you'd put up with it.

I'm not sure how long you've been on MN, but a few years ago there were threads that quite similar by a poster called GettingBig. Similar situation, emotional and financial abuse (and more) where her wants and opinions counted for zero, she was kept penniless while her DH spent on himself. She tried to end it and he claimed he didn't know where this had come from and said he'd change. She gave him another chance and within days he reverted to type and then asked her how much notice she'd give him if she was going to try and leave again So basically, I am only going to be reasonable when I think you might leave, not because you deserve to be treated with care and consideration as my wife whom I love and respect".

Anyway, bit of a ramble on my part, sorry! But your DP and situation reminds me so much of hers, and hers stayed with me for a long time!

PS I believe she did escape and life was much better

I like the broken record too, given you have explained in detail. Been trying find abuse definition. From refuge.

Does/did your partner:
Prevent you from working, or stop you from going to work?
Prevent you from going to college or university?
Ask you to account for every penny you spend?
Check your receipts or bank statements so they can monitor how much you are spending?
Keep the log-in details, bank cards or PIN numbers for your joint account so that you cannot access the account?
Spend money allocated to bills for other things?
Steal, damage or destroy your possessions?
Spend whatever they want, but belittle you for spending any money?
Insist on control of all financial matters?
Insist that all the bills and loans are in your name?
Make you ask permission before making any purchase, no matter how small?
Make significant financial decisions without you (e.g. buying a new home, car)?
Place debts in your name?
Steal money from you, or use your bank card without permission?
Withhold child maintenance payments?
Initiate expensive post separation legal battles knowing you cannot afford to fight, or will bankrupt you?
If any of these situations feel familiar, you may be experiencing financial abuse.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/money-worries/

Make sure you delete cookies on laptop or tablet or acess Mumsnet and other sites in a private setting so he can't read or poke around in your accounts too. It's pain to log in and delete history's but worth it until he's out of the house.

Any other man would have asked these questions as soon as he got the email. Not waited til his holiday was over

I agree that you send a link to the financial abuse guidelines and then one line that you have lost all love and respect for him having realised he has subjected you to financial abuse for years and this can't be reversed so you are divorcing.

If he is AS, then argument will be what he wants. And he will be good at it and also use it as a means of attrition. So don't engage.

The standard assertiveness technique is to remain calm, courteous ( at least on the surface) and repeat over and over again:

I understand your view. But it is not mine and this is the position.

It is remarkably effective.

"I don't love or respect you anymore, the reasons why are irrelevant as the outcome is the same"

Checking in to new thread Mo.

Re the children, I can't remember how old yours are. Mine were barely 6 and 3 when ex left suddenly.

6 year old (almost 9 now) having a tough time. But 3 (nearly 6) has been unscathed.

Their biggest issue is Disney dad syndrome but they see straight through it and often don't want to go.

I believe you already have an enormous upper hand with him being away. How about explaining to them you have been happier during that time so you're going to continue it but there's lots of grown up stuff to sort out first.

One thing I'm adamant about is never telling the DC their father loves them. Never. That's up to him to do, to express and to ensure they believe.

Mo, please ensure that you remove all documents, birth certs, financial stuff (evidence, copies, pension etc) and anything valuable (to you) from the house before his return as he may well destroy/remove these things, anything to hurt you, forewarned is forearmed. Give a bag with all this in to a close friend.

I wouldn't engage. Him asking you to detail (or more likely bullet point in a Powerpoint presentation) why you have got to the stage just gives him the opportunity to rebuff your reasons point by point.

I haven't posted much, but I've been following your threads and this must have been incredibly hard for you but you've handled it brilliantly.

Yes you have handled it brilliantly - well done and you will continue to do so I have no doubt.

There is some great advice on this thread [clap]

OK, in your Inbox, make a folder entitled whatever you think is appropriate - Twunt; MicroPenis - then set up a Rule or Filter or whatever your provider/email clinet calls it, to put messages from him straight into it. Set yourself a time, maybe once a week, when you're feeling strong, put on some relaxation music, maybe do a bit of meditation or eat some chocolate or something which helps you relax, do a bit of the breathing, and then have a look. OR you could ask a friend to read them for you and tell you if anything needs to be replied to. You could email the folder to someone once a week, or just set up another rule to forward everything from him to them.

Anything you say to explain your position, especially anything that focuses on money, will absolutely be thrown back at you as you being grasping, as you wanting to let more money slide through your fingers as you did when you were working, as you putting your short-term interests ahead of the long-term interests of the children.

You know that none of these things is true. You know he will never, ever accept that they aren't. This is always going to be described by him as 'I put some sensible limits on her spending whilst she wasn't earning - and you'll never guess, she only accused me of financial abuse ". It doesn't matter what you say. And indeed the more you do say the more he will be able to manipulate you into believing you're the bad guy here. The decision's made.

I knew I shouldn't have replied.
Why did I bite even a little bit????

So I told him, almost word for word as in Random's post, I was leaving him because of his financial abuse.

His response (edited):

Financial abuse??? I contribute around £x a month towards you, the children and the house, which is almost double the average UK take home pay and you call it financial abuse. Yet you don’t contribute one penny! Listen to yourself for a moment and realise how ungrateful you sound.

Why did I bother. Now I just feel like shit. Not because I think he has a point, but because I'm achieving nothing engaging with him. Everything I say is wrong.

Aw Mo the things I listed about financial abuse are true. You know that, he's the stupid one for not realising that yes he contributes X amount (guess the house is biggest expense) but you have no say. No money. No share in long term goals. No access to anything.

He really believes you should be begging and greatful because you dear do jack shit. Never forgetting you are on call 24/7 at least he has free time and holidays. He really truely believes you contribute nothing. He's never going to see the role you play or appreciate your worth.

You tried to explain but he's an abuser he's not going to be able to see that ever. Because he's 100% right in his mind. I realise you probable feel like shit now but better you brought it up via email that to his face. It takes guts to confront someone you have done that. So moving forward you can repeat the same adding I can't love you anymore when you don't respect or value me. On the positive side if he does think you are being crazy ass women unreasonable - hopefully he want to get rid of you ASAP win win!

Oh heck, one is tempted to tell him that he should be relieved that you are leaving him, considering what an ungrateful wretch you are.

However, much more experienced people than myself are already advising you.