FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

I think you need to find out how quickly the courts can act.

What is clear is that you can cope with him being in the house. If nothing can be done to stop him returning in the summer to live in the house what are you going to do?

Go away with the DC for the school holidays (ie stay with your parents) then emotionally stress yourself by having to go back when term time starts and share a house with him?
Change the locks because you have lost your keys - let him take you to court to force you to give him a new set?
Somehow move out into rented whilst you force the sale of the house through courts?

None of these are pleasant or easy choices but I think they may be your reality

Do you think there is a possibility if he finally realises that the relationship is ended he may stay working abroad for longer than the current plan?

she has referred me to the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) who deal with these types of crime or non-crime, and they will contact me to assess whether I have a case. If I do, they are the ones who can help with legal aid

I think that's exactly what you need. You clearly are being financially abused and you have written evid nice day f this.

I struggle to see a scenario where this isn't seen as evident and you would therefore receive their expert advice, support and legal aid to finally be able to extricate yourself from this abusive relationship.

Of course you'd want the police to deal with this but it's the equivalent of a civil issue, that doesn't make it any less serious or him any less culpable of that and therefore you on your way to your freedom.

Was this a trained domestic violence officer or a regular plod? As you say, her advice seems contrary to the new laws on coercive control. The whole point was that abuse did not need to be physical/sexual to be illegal. I would keep trying Women's Aid to take their advice as this feels wrong.

I picked a couple of random police websites like Hampshire and they signpost to local domestic abuse helplines, did you have a look on your force's website?

I don't think the police coming to the house will help at all, really. The main thing, as Random says, is to work out how you get away from him and recoup your money from the house.

Apparently yes I am within my rights to change the locks which i did not know - as is he - but I'll get there first obviously.
The NVDC can also enforce an occupation order, which is where he would be ordered to leave the property.

Yes good idea Trib, will call WA (if I can get through!) to check on that.
Any how, NCDV referral is a good start.

Ok that is sounding more hopeful.

Wait until his gone, change the locks, start done the selling the house route via legal means and tell him that he is not welcome to stay in the house when he returns. Avoid telling him about that you've changed the locks if possible!!!!

I know if one party changes the locks then it doesn't make it okay for the other party to do them if that makes sense?

Good re NCDV referral
It is often noted on here, that WA is a lot more accessible in the evening. so rather than repeated call through out the day that get your blood pressure up, try once the kids are asleep.

Selling the house seems the best route to me, (as I am surmising that Mo even if given the chance, would have difficulty funding.) or he can buy out your share..
Even if legally you can stay till the kids are 18, it means you are dependant on him as landlord. (can't be good). lets face it, Mo is going to have to down size to finance her own life, particularly until she can go back to work.

Interesting applying for an Occupation is free

Given his behaviour whilst home at the moment - not bothering with the DC, being abusive and intimidation towards you
Refusing to entertain resolving your financial links
Refusing mediation
Having adequate funds to live elsewhere whilst house selling is resolved
Having alternate accommodation with his parents
You and the DC being unable to fund a home any other way until the house is sold
His ongoing financial abuse

Erm it would appear it's worth applying for - especially if it's in conjunction with the fact that you have been desperately trying to get him to sell the house and he is refusing and so on. Certainly worth a try. At the very least you going to court over "his" house may make the penny drop that you are serious and he can't ignore you extracting your money!

I agree with tripbot - the police officer is wrong and you need a specialist DV officer. But the most important thing is to get the back up to get an appropriate outcome.

I thought the locks had already been changed by a friends husband?

This changing the locks advice cannot be right - I would phone back and clarify what you've been told. I think they meant you can change the locks but you have to give a key to all owners, not that you can change the locks and exclude him.

Sorry, long-time lurker here de-lurking, firstly to wish you luck as you move into what seems like the next stage of shifting your twat of a H out of your life. But secondly, did you say he has your phone? I'd be really worried about what he's doing with it. Call me suspicious, but if he's as controlling as it sounds, I'd be wondering if he's using his phone to track you and yours.

(Or, I could just have been reading too many thrillers )

re. "His house". I thought both were on the deeds? Mo was certainly spending her entire salary on the family until she gave up work to be SAHM. I am assuming a judge, would say finances were communal in that sense ? so that the house was co owned. infact she was spending all her wage, & that was probably more than his monthly mortgage payment
Mo hasn't been desperately trying to get him to sell the house. as far as I remember, right up to recently she still had the tiniest speck of hope that he might come back & things would miraculously sort themselves out.

Mo, Have you spoken about about the house sale/ buy out/other? Has he refused? On what grounds can he refuse, can you go to court & demand to be given half the value, either by sale or buy out? (if that's the way you go)

BIWI, you are right, he may have got a copy of your SIM card, or put on spyware.
please check that immediately

jelly, the friend's H put lock on her bedroom door

Hi Mo well well done for going to the police station. Really proud of you.
Shane the advice wasn't more hopeful but all helps and hopefully other referral can help more on a practical level.

Think it's really clear now benefits and maintence you can't rely on him to pay his maintence at same level after accusing you. Once she back locks changed and start legal house route.

Crazy that police can't do anything as things stand. Don't know enough about occupation orders but hopefully you never be in position where he can come back again and put you through this much anxiety. He needs sell or sign share over but he can't keep pretending everything is fine.

Hope he was successful with your phone too xx

OK, let me clarify a few things!

The lock I had put on was just an internal bedroom door, not the external doors.

I need to check what she said as well about having the right to change the external locks - I asked her even if we are joint owners and she said yes. What the repercussions of that might be I have no idea though.

He has never had possession of my phone. He has just given me a new replacement sim as there was something wrong with the old one, and I still have the old one. He has never touched the handset. He is not techy anyway, has a different phone from me, so wouldn't expect him to know much about this.

We are joint owners, 50/50.

I've not specifically addressed the house sale issue. I am clinging on to the hope that if I go to court, under the Children's Act, a property adjustment could be made (awarding me 70% and him 30% for example), a lump sum awarded, or much higher child maintenance than the minimum via the CMS. Any of these options would enable me to eventually afford to buy a property on my own in the same area (once I'm working and could get a mortgage on my own with a large deposit).

Mo, he could have got 2 new SIM cards for you however, keeping one, all he has to do is swop it into his phone to see your correspondence ..

I don't want to worry you unduly, and I'm not techy either , isn't the key info and your apps on the SIM card and not actually on the phone?

He'd still need my log ins and passwords, which he doesn't have. Honestly, he's not very good with things like that, I know more than him generally about stuff like that.

Locating someone through their mobile

Yes but a brand new SIM will be useless on its own. He'd need to install all apps again and log into my email - which he can't because he doesn't know any of my passwords or have access to them. We don't even use the same make of phone and he's never had one like mine.

Biwi what an absolutely horrid site, talking about "the victim"!
I thought you had to have consent to be able to track someone with GPS. Anyway...even if could track me, I've nothing to hide!

No, a cloned SIM would allow him to see SMSes but wouldn't be any use for email, social media etc. That said, I find the whole 'both phones go on the blink and then on a Sunday he produces a new SIM card' thing more than a little suspicious. Is it on the same network? The loss of signal could be because he was porting the numbers to a new network (for what purpose I can't imagine). Do you definitely still have the same phone number, he's not given you a PAYG SIM expecting to be out of the country before you realise? Could he have imposed a very restrictive usage limit on it? (Not that that would require a new SIM).

I don't think spying on your phone would give him what he really wants, which is minutely detailed knowledge of your spending. I'm sure he thinks you are trading goods bought on the prepaid card for cash, and there wouldn't be much evidence of that on the phone unless your co-conspirator texted you to say 'hey, since you have at least 50 quid spare from your shopping budget this week, buy me 3 bottles of champers and I'm good for the money'. He might like to know your state of mind to find out if you're close to cracking and taking that job he requires you to have. But I don't think he thinks about any of you that much. Even now he's off hither and thither doing his own thing, not a care in the world. My guess is he thinks you're on your period and behaving irrationally as a result - you know, as we are all prone to.

At the moment he is not even accepting that their relationship is over!!!

Refusing to go to mediation...

Think it's going to be a long hard slog I'm afraid to get him to agree to do anything about the house finances