FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

is there benefit to you in just quietly paying out the rope and letting him get on with hanging himself?

This is where a quick chat with your SHL may help. A diary of his activities while he is home. What he provides for himself to eat and what he watches the children eat alongside him in the same house on his thin budget for them. Abusive prick that he is. That after weeks of separation for his kids what he spends his time doing, showing no interest of any kind in them, or an effort to parent. What choices he independently makes about these things with no input from you. Find out the best way to provide a record of this.

Judges are not stupid. If he goes for 50-50 he is going to be laughed at, he plays nothing like that role in the children's day to day lives, it would be a big change to them and courts try to preserve the children's every day normality. So it may help to not encourage or try to push for time with the kids he could use to give a false impression of fatherly feeling. The way he is going, with the evidence he's creating, he's going to be lucky to get EOW, and its clear he wont want even that. Plus there are going to be basic issues like can he be trusted to feed them while in his care? Or will you be sending them with packed lunch?

He really is a sad, deficient bastard.

How are you managing for food? I'm concerned he's going to eat "yours" and then refuse to provide the funds to replace it. Can you keep some emergency tins of beans locked in your room?

Fortunately so far he seems to be avoiding this direct area of confrontation by eating out/eating takeaways but at some point you will have to do a shop. What if he sabotages that?

I was just thinking, its like he had various goals in his life, that he was led to believe were accomplishments on his "how to be someone" list. an agenda that his father probably expected of him.
& on his trophy list there is, good job, big salary, house in good area, flash car, , holidays to great destinations, wife & children, for them, good education, then high earners, & on around it goes.
Accomplishments that will make his father proud. He's pretty much ticked all the boxes.
but the wife & family part, no one gave him the tools & the instructions to make it work, its like having a flash car & not knowing how to drive.

So he appears bemused by what Mo says, because he has done everything right... he has the trophy but no one explained there was interaction, emotion & impliction required to keep his the wife in that box

*I was just thinking, its like he had various goals in his life, that he was led to believe were accomplishments on his "how to be someone" list. an agenda that his father probably expected of him.
& on his trophy list there is, good job, big salary, house in good area, flash car, , holidays to great destinations, wife & children, for them, good education, then high earners, & on around it goes.
Accomplishments that will make his father proud. He's pretty much ticked all the boxes.
but the wife & family part, no one gave him the tools & the instructions to make it work, its like having a flash car & not knowing how to drive.

So he appears bemused by what Mo says, because he has done everything right... he has the trophy but no one explained there was interaction, emotion & impliction required to keep his the wife in that box*

Jeezy Peeps, do you know my husband. Not that Im the only wife he's ever had. He just goes round women and still can't get it right.

Anyway, thank you for that. Im going to cut and paste it to a wee running note I have on my phone to read when Im having a wee hiccough.

I think what you say mix56 is very insightful about a certain type of man.

Atenco - yes, a sociopath and perhaps even a psychopath.

Yes, I wondered at first if my H (who fits that description above perfectly) was aspergers, then I wondered narcissistic, now I'm sure he's either a sociopath or a psychopath....

I think mo's man sounds the same.... No clue how to be a compassionate and caring father... Just ticking off the box of having kids....

I like the idea of giving him enough rope to hang himself... He will show his true colours...

mo, yes it feels like wasted energy and in an ideal world it wouldn't be necessary. But today, tomorrow, it is, to get you through this. Baby steps, in part because you have already made the giant leap onto the other planet called life beyond OH where the sun will shine for you and the DCs.

It became too much for me earlier, following a confrontation with him, and I called the non emergency police number. I'm waiting for them to call me back so I can go to the station because I can't have a marked police car come to the house. I have a friend in standby who can have the kids.
I can't believe I'm typing this, and that it's come to this.

He is most certainly a sociopath/narcissist aspie derivative btw. I've been mulling over which for months, and can't separate them from each other any more, he has traits of all of them.

I came home briefly to pick up my tablet so that I could sit in a cafe with wifi in peace until it was time to pick up my son - another example of him controlling - the phone is in his name and I can't ring them to get it sorted or find out why it's not working, and he says he hasn't got round to it yet - just bloody do it, would take ten minutes to call! Anyway, he started going on about the fridge and cupboards being empty and accusing me of spending the money on other things even though he knows I can't because it's tied to the prepaid card, had gone round checking the expiry dates of things and which supermarket they were from and said all the stuff is old in the freezer and from other supermarkets, so what was I doing with the money?

He checked the transactions online and said I'd spent £100 over two days but couldn't see the evidence. He demanded to know what I'd spent it on. Of course I explained yes I'd spent it but the food had been eaten because that's what happens...and why did he expect a full fridge for him, how is £75 going to leave a full fridge for us as well as him all of a sudden?

He said it's another example of me being irresponsible and not being able to be trusted and I found the whole thing incredibly intimidating, and I left in tears and had a mini panic attack in the car. I was going to call the police then and there but my phone (that someone kindly lent me for emergencies) was running out of battery, so I called a friend and asked if I could come over to charge it and make the call.
I then panicked I'd left the younger ones at home with him so went back to collect them, and went to her house.

After I'd calmed down a bit, I decided to call WA again but tried 20 or 30 times but couldn't get through so just rang 101.

During this confrontation, he also said yet again that we were not separated....he's clearly mad.

Stormsurfer that's a really interesting observation because there is a strong history of autism In my husbands family that extends way beyond my severely autistic 25 year old son, and my husbands 5 year old high functioning autistic son from the woman he's with now.

Some of my children still think my husband is on the spectrum but some of the others now believe he is at last a sociopath. I'm convinced however that my children who think he's on the spectrum have to believe he is because anything else is too painful for them.

He's not in the spectrum. He's a sociopath. And perhaps even a psychopath.

This all came up in a thread a while back. Autism versus sociopathy and there were two women posting who really new their stuff - they said that currently there's research being done on the two. Personally I'm interested in the possibility of these personality disorders being a spectrum disorder just as ASD is. Just where does one end and the other one start.

I'm sorry for any typos - I can't find my glasses.

Just delurking here to give you a virtual hand hold.

Hope it goes well with the police. Courage, mon brave!

He is, to use the technical term, bonkers. And a git. And a despicable human being. (I have family friends who are clinically diagnosed psychotics. They are lovely people. Mental illness has nothing to do with being a bad person. And he is terrible father and a terrible man, regardless of what his clinical condition may be).

Please be very careful now, Mo. He is starting to realise you are being serious, and he may react in ways you don't expect. Is there any way in which you and your children could stay with family or friends?

Thankfully for me he's gone out for the evening so I've come back with the kids, but lovely friend says I can go to her any time with the kids, she offered us her place to sleep but I think it's fine for now. If I feel like we need to go, I have her, and other friends very close by so no worries there.

Mo, we cross posted. I'm sorry to read of this latest turn of events and I have no advice to offer except to say that regardless of what he is re a diagnosis there is no way you can, or have to, put up with this life. He is who he is. However one day further down the line it will help you to have a label for him but for now it doesn't matter and the important thing is that you KOKO!

Xxxx

It feels too sober for me to shake the pom poms, still wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.

All the best best to get through this and out the other side. {{{Mo}}}

Jelly belly, I have spent so much time analysing his behaviour but I don't give a shit any more what he is, all I need to know is exactly that: that I can be free of this nonsense.

So glad that you have real life support at hand right now, Mo. What did the police say?

Huge hugs

I'm glad you called the police, it does seem as though you will need to find a legal means to keep him out of the house because of his awful behaviour towards you. So glad you have somewhere to go as and when needed.

Only logged the call and waiting for a call back from an officer. Will have a chat about it at the station, in the morning hopefully.

Keep your phone with you, and please don't hesitate to use it if he tried to bully and intimidate you. Because he will.

Just remember that you are not alone - in addition to your friends and family, we all here to hold your hand whenever you need it.

You should be very proud of yourself.

I take it the reason you don't want a marked car to come to the house is because it would alert him to the fact you've called the police? (Rather than not wanting the neighbours to know or anything like that).

I think unfortunately you would have been better off talking to the police when calm so that you give them all the relevant info about financial control. However, try to take some deep breaths - I guess it will be tomorrow before you go to the station?

I think he will make out that your crying (and calling the police if he finds out about that) is evidence that either (a) you are guilty of some kind of financial deception involving the prepaid card or (b) you are having a nervous breakdown. Dealing with having to deny all that is just going to stress you out even more. I think you do need to consider leaving the house until he's gone (which is when, incidentally?).

Oh Mo in so glad you had brains to have all these numbers and friends and phones on stand by phone. Hope someone can give you advice on how to stay safe-how can he accuse you unless you been flogging supermarket beans from your boot in a carpark not much you can do with pre paid card.

Stay safe- if you in any doubt take kids stay somewhere else x

He is an absolute tosser, which planets he on ??

Yes I'm worried about the neighbours but also can't risk them coming while he's here.

I haven't given any details yet, so unless he does something immediately before I'm due to go to the station, I will be calm. And I will take with me all my notes, tablet with emails, phone with recordings on it etc.

Glad you settled for now, it's worry over next move if you "can't be trusted" with money what's he going do? Online shop for you each week- planning how many bananas or pints of milk the mimium you can get by on.