FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

I think if I go away I'll just be anxious about the kids the entire time. And I mean, the entire time. Not relaxing for me at all.

I would keep a note in your diary in regards to when he has had sole responsibility of all three children on his own whilst he is back (might be useful if he does try to go for 50:50).

I think if I go away I'll just be anxious about the kids the entire time. And I mean, the entire time. Not relaxing for me at all.

And there you are, the difference between you and TW

That is true Tribpot. But he just cannot see I'm leaving him and angry with him because his behaviour is unacceptable. To him it's totally acceptable. And that's because he was left to his own devices as a child while using parents did whatever they did without him. It's a cycle. I don't care whether he should know better, he just genuinely doesn't and I can't teach him because to him it's just normal.

Seriously, Phoenix, even if it's just one day???!! Not going to make a jot of difference, surely?

I'm interested to know how the DCs are even responding to can't cuntcard. Because he's kind of back. But kind of still not present. Like anyone who had a crap childhood, he has the power to decide to be a completely different type of parent to his own children. He has the resources to seek help if he is struggling with that. But he isn't struggling with it. He just doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself. I completely understand how protective you feel towards your DCs regarding being alone with him.

But it can go either way, can't it Kitty. If you had a crap childhood, you can either do everything in your power to break the cycle with your own kids or just you just follow it blindly, unquestioned because you can't see it.

Kitty, this is sadly, already normal for the kids. Daddy's here one minute...then the next he's gone doing other more important stuff than being with them.

No may not make a difference (as he probably won't have all three together). However, it's always useful to jot it down (also when he has called/Skyed the DC when away) as SHL may need/use it as evidence if he decides to go for 50:50.

Ok thanks. Easy enough to track it all since most of our relationship over the last four months is in writing!

Has he shown the slightest indication of listening to you and even spending 5 minutes thinking about why you are ending the relationship? It is sad, if he has absolutely no capacity for reflection or awareness of how his actions affect others. You will need all of your energies to fight for and protect yourself and your DCs from him precisely because he has no care at all for others. It is sad. It is why you are ending the relationship. I guess to see his pig-headedness and hypocrisy right now in front of you it must be pretty shocking.

I dunno if there's any point if you're just going to be miserable tbh.

I also thinks it sends a much bigger message to show how little you need him. Basically act like his presence is utterly irrelevant as you can cope so well as a single mother. And remind him of that.

"Why don't you go to golf again tomorrow? It's not like you're not needed here"

And for the love of God please tell him he's a shit father when you get a private moment. Not in an argumentative way - just in an almost by-the-by driveby shooting way. Just throw the bomb, shrug and then say there's no point arguing a fact, See ya, I have chores to do.

No arguing, no rows, no point.

That should obvs say "It's not like you're needed here"! D'uh!

That's fantastic Elspeth. He could go off to golf every day and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference, in fact, it would be a relief to me.

Yes SHIT FATHER. Sad but true and needs to hear it. Thank you.

I don't want him going for father of the year award now if I tell him I don't need him and he's a shit father. I don't want him to put on an act just to get at me, as that's how low he can be. Anyway too little too late even if he does try.

My comment in passing to him would be along the lines of

"your disinterest in the children has surpassed my incredibly low expectations, I can accept they mean so little to you that the live in day to day poverty but that you don't even want to spend your time with them has made me realise that you are a shit father in every way"

But he wouldn't. Because he can't cope and doesn't know how to try.

And my DM had an EA childhood which left her with all sorts of insecurities but she chose to provide us with constant love and support. It's choices and acceptance of responsibilities.

Try unloving and irresponsible as opposed to shit? Remove the emotion, state the fact.

I also don't think he'd know how to play Dad of the Year.

Offer (or baldly state) he'll be taking them for the entire day? To which you reply "in other words drag them to your Mums so she can do all the work? It rather proves my point so cheers."

Besides, it wouldn't make a jot of difference even if he retaliated by taking them on a fun filled amazing day to Longleat or somewhere. "But m'Lud, I took them out for a day once! An ENTIRE DAAAAY!"

And he clearly doesn't think in terms of small parenting moments - bathtime etc. So if you don't point those things out to him it simply won't occur to him to do them. That's why I said No Argument.

The minute you get into an argument about it you'll find yourself listing off to him all the ways he's shit. And he will be busily taking down the list in his head so he can counter every single one over the next week.

So whilst I think "shit father" is a valid bomb to drop, don't elaborate. Leave him wondering how. He won't be able to figure it out too well and will be utterly shit at any attempts to prove he's not. Big gestures, no actual parenting.

Mo
Jot contact in a diary as you go.
If you HAVE to go back for the info later on, you may be feeling really low once the SHL start arguing. It may make you feel bad.

If it's jotted down, it's done and doesn't take up any mind space.
When I had to go back for stuff I found it distracting and distressing as I had reached a stronger point but kept crashing back down.

Just how it made me feel. But I am the organised type

I absolutely could not let this current appalling behaviour pass without comment. I'd probably have to ask him why, given that he hasn't seen his children in 4 months, he thought that prioritising a game of golf over spending time with them was a good idea.

Although RandomMess's suggestion is probably better.

First I need him to sort out my phone before I lay into him. Tactics and all.
Another exhausting day, just dealing with him, whether present or absent, takes every ounce of energy out of me. What wasted energy.

clam is right, this is just another holiday. visit parents, play golf. buy take away for 3 random youngsters.

In terms of his priorities you simply don't feature.
I think you are going to have to sit him down & tell him that he had a childhood where he expectd no input, because he had none.
The fact that his mother was not respected or supported has given him a drastically skewed idea of a normal functionning person.
The reality of a couple & a family, is mutual respect, sharing, trusting & enjoying raising a flourishing family together.
He is incapable of it & hell will freeze over before you throw your life away being his unpaid, unappreciated, undernourished unloved "staff".
He may not understand it, he may not want it, he may not care.
Your relationship hasn't broken down, it simply doesn't exist.
Which is why he will be receiveing the documents, & why you have been getting information about your rights to keep & live in the house, or sell it & what he will be required to pay for the survival of his children.
There is nothing more to say, other than he can go & play golf, he can do what he wants with who he wants as for you, he is history.
He may choose to ignore what you are saying, but it will become very real, very soon, when he recieves the paperwork from your legal team & various authorities.
Burying his head in the sand is frankly pitiful

Oh, I wish I could have 5 minutes in a room with him!

(and not in a good way!)