FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Roger = to get

Oh great... he just exits again, no discussion, no responsibility, no input.
I think when he gets back tomorrow, you should tell him that you are not unpaid home help, you have had the children 24/24, 7/7 for 4 months, No holidays, strung out because of his financial games. & that you are going away for 24 hours. His time to be a parent. Plus he needs to take them shopping for all the things they need, hair cuts, summer shoes, shorts... That way he can do his part of fabulous parenting, spend time with his children instead of fucking off, & spend the money that he refuses you. Kiss the kids say see you tomorrow & leave him to it.

Mo
When he comes back tomorrow lunch, be ready to go
Tell him you'll be back later don't know when, you need some you time
Let him look after the kids!!
Go to your friends, parents or even bit shopping, coffee, cinema anywhere but don't come back till after bedtime for children.

No you're doing so well, you've detached from him emotionally, and that's what will get you through this. That and a sense of humour.

I might get up earlier than him if I was you and go out, in the car, so that he has to experience what you do ALL THE TIME

The only thing you can do really is amuse yourself with making him live your life and see how he likes it

Ya Mo well done on the progress. Now to get the children told, TELL him you are doing it, with or without him!

He's going off to play golf. I thought as well, but I was so exhausted last night I didn't have in me to accuse him of it and get angry - just no energy left for a fight. He also said he has something planned for tonight: WTF?! If I say NO I'm having the night off, he will just take the kids to his parents (because for various reasons they won't come here) NO NO NO
He's not even here for 48 hours and has only seen the kids for dinner and that's it - no school runs, no bedtimes, nothing.
He has no desire whatsoever to do anything with them and this is what it comes down to. I can't force him because it's pointless - he's not doing it with love or even recognising his duties as a father, it's just half hearted, can't be arsed, bare minimum, no care or nurturing, and more importantly it sends a terrible message to the children because actions speak louder than words.

He's taking one of them out tomorrow on his own (originally he emailed me a few weeks ago to say he was taking the eldest but I said NO you need to check with me first because he actually has other plans so to keep the peace I said he could take DC2) but that still leaves me with taking DC1 somewhere with DC3 in tow. He's got off again.

You're all right, I DO need to say well I'm off, in exactly the same manner as him - I can't today or tomorrow (more kiddie plans I want to be around for) but I could on Monday until Tuesday and go to a friend's overnight. He'll have no car and won't be able to do school and after school stuff without one. Oh well, his problem I suppose. I'll tell him when he gets back.

Mo
Quick go hide something from the golf bag!! Shoes would be a good one.
Put them in the shed. !?!

Sorry. I just read the revenge thread.... Had me acting like a child.

Actually the better advice from thAt thread is to show what a wonderful time you're having so go have lots of giggles with the children.

Mo, I'll go against the grain here and say that I wouldnt be planning time off while he's here. It would only look like tit for tat and you're above that. Stick to your normal routine and let him see that is how little he bothers you because going away would say much more but not in a good way.

But how could it go against me, Jelly?

I think it depends what you want the outcome to be Mo. If you are going to try to encourage/force him to be some kind of half-decent father (which he isn't ) then you can push him to spend time with the children. This will obviously mean they get left with his parents. Or you just accept that the children are your sole responsibility and the only contribution you will get from him will be an enforced financial contribution. This will guide your actions. I don't think there is a right of wrong.

I love that he got a takeaway. Selfish, lazy, predictable cunt. Thinking of you

You know I'd be happier if he just said he didn't want any contact at all. I can imagine making contact agreements, say that he has them every other weekend, and then him saying but I can't take the youngest to this or that and it totally stressing me out because I've made other plans. Or just pulling out because there's 'an important competition' on or something. Or generally being a crap parent. No change then.

I get the tit for tat thing, and that's not usually my way (probably how I've become such a door mat/responsible parent, whichever way you want to look at it).

Goddammit, I retract that! I am NOT a doormat! I'm just a parent. If my co-parent was as responsible as me, I'd have a happy, balanced life.

He should be dying to take them out, to a farm or a soft play place, or a zoo or a theme park, something special to mark his return and make up for all those absent weekends. But NO. He's playing golf. Something he can do ANY time.

He doesn't deserve his fantastic children who are truly, truly fantastic little, joyous people. They need me and my love more than ever.

Rant-o-rama

This is your thread Mo, rant away!
Yes, any decent dad would want to spend lots of time with his kids but we know he is not decent don't we? He is a takeaway wanker and you are a responsible loving parent. One day, TW will be an older man and his kids might visit him out of duty now and again, they will want to be with their Mum, no duty but love. This will be the price he pays for his behaviour now and it is his loss and will be his sadness. Keep strong lady, you are doing great.

He doesn't deserve them at all and he doesn't deserve you. He treats those closest to him like absolute crap. He is just carrying on doing what he does. It makes me feel stabby just thinking about him. Rant as much as you like. And keep a log of his contract with the children - or otherwise. And please, please be wary of his family.

All this time, I've been thinking I'm weak, I'm a door mat, it's me who's not assertive enough, the problem is me etc. but NO! There is actually nothing wrong with me. I chose and wanted to have kids and I'm just looking after them, that is all.
The problem is totally, 100% HIM. I'm fine. Nothing wrong with me.
Then I start feeling sorry for him - wish I didn't - because actually most of this goes back to his childhood where his parents simply prioritised everything else above their DC. Poor fucked up family.

Yeah well it's all very loud and clear he isn't interested in being a parent at all what so ever.

Regarding contact in the future. When there is mediation to agree it you have it in writing that it is all the DC or none of them, that cancellation isn't on. He may want to have the DC additional overnights to reduce his financial liability - again part of the mediation if he so much as cancels (and no you won't rearrange as the DC need routine and predictability) you will be phoning CMS to amend his liability.

Thankfully this thread is so detailed it is great as a sort of diary: dates and times of things all logged.

The difficulty with leaving him to deal with school and clubs (even if you left him the car, frankly) is that he doesn't give a shit. So given a choice between getting them to school on time (plus remembering when to go and pick them up) and plonking them in front of the telly for the day, he will go for the latter. Or take them to his parents. He knows that only you care about decent parenting and will use it to manipulate the dynamic so that you can't ask him to do anything. I can't see him ever managing all three kids on his own at once.

My suspicion about contact is that he will threaten to return to the UK and go for 50:50 to avoid paying you any child support. Given there is ample evidence that he hasn't been co-parenting up until now I think it is exceptionally unlikely he would achieve it, but it's worth discussing strategy with your SHL. I don't think this should influence whether or not you go away in the week, btw, as obviously him having them for one night is not evidence of co-parenting. I do think you desperately need a safe space and a night with a friend would do you the power of good.

Don't feel sorry for him, regardless of his childhood he is doing what he wants, he is doing the things he enjoys. He isn't bothered about having a relationship with your or his DC so he isn't missing out or losing anything.

Just be incredibly your DC have you and you are their primary role model of love and nurture and relationships.

I know this stems back from his childhood. But. But he does not need to continue the cycle and repeat it does he?

It's his choice.

He has chosen to prioritise his needs/wants and desires.....hence the takeaway cunt away, the round of golf and the buying food only for himself.

most of this goes back to his childhood

There is a response to this kind of comment which is given on this board quite regularly: lots of people have bad or difficult childhoods. They don't all become terrible parents, because they make a choice not to be. He's an adult now. He knows what decent parenting looks like. He's made a choice.