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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FreeMo - Part 3

979 replies

AngryMo · 29/03/2016 13:54

New Fred Grin

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 30/03/2016 04:43

The FACT is that if he had to provide 24/7 nanny/cleaner/cook/driver etc for his children it would cost much much more. Your contribution is as SAHM doing all that plus much much more, as Akire said, he will never in a million years see that FACT much less admit to it.
You have to disengage for your mental health. Do not communicate except through your solicitor, you are just giving him more ammo to beat you with (((((Mo)))))

AmIbeingTreasonable · 30/03/2016 04:43

The FACT is that if he had to provide 24/7 nanny/cleaner/cook/driver etc for his children it would cost much much more. Your contribution is as SAHM doing all that plus much much more, as Akire said, he will never in a million years see that FACT much less admit to it.
You have to disengage for your mental health. Do not communicate except through your solicitor, you are just giving him more ammo to beat you with (((((Mo)))))

AmIbeingTreasonable · 30/03/2016 05:01

Oops sorry, don't know how that happened!

Roseformeplease · 30/03/2016 06:17

Great news. More evidence of his abuse.

Just reply, "Thank you. I will add that to my evidence file"

kittybiscuits · 30/03/2016 06:34

No need for a reply. He asked. You answered. He ridiculed you. That is everything you need to know. He's trying to gaslight you. Keep those holiday pics of him in your head. You are getting away from this piece of shit. If you hadn't answered him, you would have wondered if he really didn't know. You gave him the (slight) benefit of the doubt and this is what he did with it. No words needed. Keep strong. Lots of people believe in you and know the truth.

Original poster
AngryMo · 30/03/2016 06:49

I'm still so so angry. It's not like it's news, but to see it written in black and white is chilling for me. He is the fucking father of my children.
Disgusting man, disgusting attitude, disgusting upbringing, disgusting way to live. How can he want to share his life with someone he so obviously despises and thinks so little of? I am shaking.
I worked my entire life since I was a teenager, until I quit my job to follow him round the world to support his fucking job. I gave up my family, friends, house, everything. Yet I am ungrateful.
I can't cope with the thought of him coming back to this house, I can't. How am I going to cope? My poor children in the middle of this. I hope the fucking plane crashes.

OP posts:
mix56 · 30/03/2016 06:50

So hard not to engage, he will always have the last word.
but this from Random above:
"I don't love or respect you anymore, the reasons why are irrelevant as the outcome is the same"

tribpot · 30/03/2016 07:02

Agreed, no need to reply. Although if you did you could just say that he asked for your reason, you've given it. Whether or not he accepts the reason as valid has no bearing on what happens next, so it's time to focus on outcomes.

Original poster
AngryMo · 30/03/2016 07:21

I'm going to end up in a two bed flat with my three kids but we will be away from him, that's all that matters. I want this nightmare to end.

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 30/03/2016 07:46

mo what a horrible, horrible man Flowers for you.

please, please, as I said before have a friend/relative to stay with you when he is over. Also, as I and other PP have said either create a scumbag folder to forward his emails to so you don't have to read them

At least horrible as it is to read in black and white you have evidence....maybe go to the police now?

kittybiscuits · 30/03/2016 07:50

He is everything you say and more. No wonder you are furious. Your life will improve immeasurably. That much is certain.

Original poster
AngryMo · 30/03/2016 08:02

Well I've blocked the bastard now so hopefully I won't have to hear any more. Sign of the times, the ultimate insult...Facebook blocking.
Of course he can still get to me but it won't contaminate the rest of my OL stuff.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofafunnyname · 30/03/2016 08:04

Even if you do all end up crammed into a tiny flat I bet my life you'll be far happier there than trapped in the gilded cage you're in now.

PhoenixReisling · 30/03/2016 08:06

Good for you Mo Smile.....maybe also change your relationship status to single too

Joysmum · 30/03/2016 08:32

You have it in black and white. He doesn't believe you are his equal and he doesn't believe he is an abuser.

rumbleinthrjungle · 30/03/2016 08:35

Did the tiny house as a kid when parents split up - loved it. It felt like 'our' house, it was a cosy and happy one. The big posh one never was. you and the kids will be fine in a flat and it'll be yours . No twonk energy anywhere in it.

That nasty mail proves it again, he just doesn't see outside his reality. There is nothing in his mind about sharing or partnership, you're a grudged and unproductive drain on his resources to whom he is being more than generous in his own mind. It doesn't sound like he sees you or the children as people, there's zero empathy on his part. You can't argue with stupid. File that nice piece of evidence he's given you.

Original poster
AngryMo · 30/03/2016 08:37

What happens if you send a message to someone on messenger who's blocked you?

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 30/03/2016 08:57

I think you're just unable. I suspect that your name either won't be on the list or be unclickable.

Sending you loads more gumption today.

NettleTea · 30/03/2016 09:09

The money for the house is irrelevant as it is his house too - so he would still need to be paying mortgage, etc.

Original poster
AngryMo · 30/03/2016 10:41

Good point Nettle

OP posts:
Akire · 30/03/2016 11:02

Morning Mo I looked up messenger it says if you try send a message and you have been blocked he will see a triangle saying message can't be delivered as he's been blocked.

I am more concerned now about him coming home and your safety. Before I always pictured him as some sad wet dish cloth money obsessed type. But I don't know his last email made me feel uneasy. Obviously we don't really know him and impossible to call how someone will react, but really pleased that you have options to go too if needed.

Do kids now how to call police or how to call your mum of friend just in case? I would be tempted to get advice re having him back or say if he does insist on coming back to stay at the house you will take kids to a refuge while he's back. And what kind of father would make you do that if you can afford to stay close by instead? It does seem bizzzare if there's been abuse but not voilence but you are concerned you can't do anything until/if he ever does.

Just think all this shit he's giving you is going on your rose bed. He thinks he's given you shit - he can't see you are sucking it up and making you stronger!!!

OrlandaFuriosa · 30/03/2016 11:24

Mo,

It's shit. But there is one good bit. He is finally coming to believe you are serious.

Please make sure you have the documents safe. Also ensure you have toys in your cases.

Bon courage.

rememberthetime · 30/03/2016 11:35

He has a black and white mentality. There are no Grey areas just a simple transaction where you pay nothing and he pays everything. To his mind this makes perfect sense and he simply doesn't understand your contribution on any level other than monetary. This is why he is so matter of fact because the facts seem very clear to him. Women who are with men like this are forced into justifying their very existence when they choose to stay home. Your contribution to the home just doesn't count. Yet not only are you losing out in terms of your future earnings and career but you have to live at the behest of the main earner. It's shit and so unfair. But hewill never get this. You have sacrificed so much for his ability to earn yet he wants you to owe him. Anyone who feels truly equal as a sahm should feel truly truly blessed. I think it is rare. Yet we enter these arrangements with high hopes and natural expectations it will work. But one person becomes the more important one and if they happen to have abusive tendencies then they will become evident. Mo there is no arguing this point. Your only course of action is to build your own life and let him continue to try and work it out.

notapizzaeater · 30/03/2016 12:07

He obviously in his delusional world believes what he's writing, he's getting to be. A bigger ass all the time,

DollyTwat · 30/03/2016 13:34

Kittybiscuits has it. He asked, you answered, he ridiculed you

He genuinely thinks he can bat away your reasons and they will be gone

Therrs no point in engaging at all as he just doesn't think you have a valid reason.

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