FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

And if there is anything you can sell, do it. Any old gold and silver get it cashed and the money stashed safely.

Missed the terrified comment- you know you and the kids don't have to stay there. You could stay family or friends or even refuge if he insists on staying at home. Xx

You don't have to be alone with him at all
I know that feeling of being scared of him, it's paralysing you at the moment, that's why you need to go to WA and let them hold your hand through what to do to prepare for his return. If you need to temporarily move out then so be it.
Go to you gp and register how distressed you are re him and now is the time to tell your family and friends and enlist their help and support too.
This is going to be very scary for you and you are going to need all the help you can
Don't worry about his mother that's his problem
But I know that learning to detach is hard

'I'm terrified of him'. It's very scary. Please do not hesitate to call the police. This is exactly how he has kept you trapped and compliant. KOKO

Mo, slow down, you say he has never been, & you don't think he would be physically violent. So you are afraid of his verbal displeasure.
He is just another bloke. he isn't Lord & Master, or God, or better than the next man.
If he shouts. You can just say one of your many 5 word mantras

"I will not be shouted at" & walk out.
"I am not deaf"
"shouting does not impress me"
"When you are civil I will listen."
"What a sorry little man" (derisory)

but Yes, you can register your fear with police & get it written in your notes at the doctor, it will be good for your "case"

His mother is only going to say "all you have to do is itemise your spending as he has requested and the money will be released to you".

His solicitor will be acting in his interests and follow his instructions. I think they will advise on what is reasonable/likely to be achieved in court but I think that if he demands they write to tell you he is seeking sole custody they will have to do so. That has no bearing on whether he will actually get that, of course, but this is what lawyers do. It's a negotiating tactic.

I think you're panicking because you're completely out of cash. Which is exactly what he wants. He has no shame and is more than prepared to fight dirty to win. I think you're beginning to realise the extent of the control (and the extent to which you are vulnerable). I would echo kittybiscuits and consider going to the police. No-one you've told in real life (apart from his bloody parents, who don't count) regard his behaviour as reasonable.

If you really want to fight back, the obvious thing to do is ask his friends for money. This will far more effectively humiliate him than asking his mum, who is completely on his side. But if you escalate he will as well, and you have a lot more to lose than he does (he has virtually nothing to lose that he cares to keep).

I wouldn't want to be alone with him in the house either, btw. Even without any previous episodes of violence. At minimum I would be concerned that he will rage and scream in front of the children.

Maybe I have an irrational fear of his verbal abuse turning into something physical. Or maybe because I'm so used to being browbeaten by him I'm just fearful of him reducing me to a wreck again.

God I cope so well on my own and then with every minuscule interaction with him I turn into a panicking mess.

Do you think that the actual with holding of money you need - is actual a very physical threat to you and the kids. Not just uniform but relying on him to put the money in so you can eat, get petrol, get to and from school. When he voluntary withholds that it is an actual physical threat to you and the kids. If he can hurt you that way it is almost same as a physical assault. No wonder your mind is screaming alert - alert be worried here.

Tribpot you're right about that: this is me seeing what he's really capable of and it's pretty gruesome.

Akire is right in that if you have not enough to eat it is effectively starvation. but he knows you will muddle through, as you are actually not just some dumb woman who goes overdrawn, you manage a house of kids on less than poverty level.
also he knows its not quite summer yet, so the summer uniforms can wait a few weeks. & you can always make up a story about the finance coming in the near future, hubby overseas etc.also he probably wants to check that you are passing anything not in rags to the next smaller one.
Remember last time spat the dummy over school uniform & had to go & check the actual prices himself.
I think he has done such a number on you. it is irrational.
To ask for extra money for things that are obligatory for his children is not a crime & not worthy of his wrath.

Mo, you will be OK. Really, even if he shouts, you will be OK.

Stop what you're doing, take some deep breaths. Outbreath longer than the inbreath. Calm that panic.

You will be OK. Use those short phrases, "that doesn't work", "I will listen when you speak to me civilly", whatever phrases you have chosen and are confident using.

You know you could change the locks on the doors. Yes he can force you legally to give him a spare key but by the time that happened he would have returned back abroad and then perhaps you can resolve things legally.

I think by filling in those forms you will trigger having to go down the legal route which I think the sooner the better.

Absolutely speak to the domestic violence team (that is what they were called where I lived) tell them the situation and that you are scared at how he will be when he returns. It means they can register your phone numbers for alert etc. Any actually threat to you means you can call the police and they will come and they can remove him from the property.

Oh Mo, I have been following he is a despicable human!
Stay strong and do be embarrassed or afraid to tell people you both know exactly what is going on.

breathe deeply.

I will be alright on an in breath,

We will be alright on an out breath.

Now, practice your visualisation. You are going to need this.

Think, small happy place, all the DCs and you. If you don't keep the house, it doesn't matter as long as they have their things and you. Promise. I moved every 18 months as a child, to v different countries, surroundings, Houses, flats, one bed, two bed, whatever. Visualise:

Nothing more than normal stress.
Going out to a museum and an ice cream, a McDonald's,
You can buy mascara
A birthday treat
Laughter

Now practice the thing that you did really well once. Think about it again, take pride in it. " I did that. Not anyone else. Me. " when you get scared, flick that switch. " hang on, I'm an intelligent capable person. I did that. Me."

When he loses his temper, " I'll continue the discussion in due course. Not now. " exit, breathe as above, flick the capability switch, visualise the future. Get a cup of tea, continue to practice breathing.

Hang on there, you will be ok.

Do your parents live anywhere near? Could your mum come to stay?

Do practice saying your stock answers out loud, so they're ready when you need them, and don't try to imagine him saying anything specific - it's usually a waste of brain space and they often come out with something you haven't thought of anyway.

It is scary when you first stand up to an abuser verbally in this way - I remember similar, though mine was that strange combination, a miserly cocklodger - my heart was pumping, god knows what I thought would happen - but the world did not end, and it made it easier to do the next time.

Even though mine had never been violent, I did made plans for keeping safe in the house, and arranged that I could just turn up at a friend's place, in case I found I had to leave suddenly. (He didn't turn violent, but was extremely unco-operative in the divorce.)

Something tells me as soon as he's here I'm going to be jumping on this thread for help on between every single conversation. I don't know how to handle him - listen to his latest response.

Yesterday, cunt card top up day, I went with the intention of buying a few things but first had to check the balance and the only way for me to know (if P doesn't send me an email saying it's been topped up) is to swipe the card in store and get a balance reading. I can't even check online or on the phone before I trudge down there because I'm not the account holder.

So, turn up, swipe card, card not bloody topped up, emailed him to tell him I needed money immediately. Twenty minutes, no response. So I just said my friend's lending me the money so you can pay her back yourself.

This is after our little conversation about the extra holiday/uniforms money which he refused unless I itemised, to which I clearly told him to sling his hook, btw.

Only now does he bother to reply and I'm spitting venom. Something like this: that's fine, just give me the receipts. If you'd just itemised as I'd asked, I would have sent you the money but you refused so that's why we are where we are. AND THIS IS THE BIT that I'm fucking spitting over, he uses an in-joke type phrase we always used to say, as a way sign off and lighten the tone and "can't wait to see you all, kisses'

He's been doing the 'look forward to seeing you x' nonsense for the past few emails regardless of the discussion as a blatant sign he's not taking me seriously one bit.

I.just.don't.know how to react. I am exhausted by his games. Truly. What the fuck do I say to that? Obviously I wish I'd said to him originally no, you itemise your spending first but I replied too soon.

Anyway I can clearly see it doesn't matter what response I give, whether hastily and angrily, or considered, calm and rational, it STILL makes no impact whatsoever on his behaviour.

I was going to jerk reply, but I think it's best not to. Lock is going on the door today.

Keep your powder dry, we are all here to support you.

What a chilling read. Im horrified by the goings on.

Mo, please stop asking him for money. Apply for your benefits and borrow 1 or 2 k from you parents or your friend till things are sorted out a bit more legally.

Take the power away from him.

He is a complete and utter bastard.

You are something else entirely!

I don't think much will happen while he's here. More of the same shit will continue, he'll continue to be flippant and I'll continue to feel frustrated and powerless. I'll just go ahead and mediator, and if he refuses to contact her too, it's time to gather every penny I can find and engage that SHL.

The "can't wait to see you"s and "look forward to seeing you x"s are gaslighting, aren't they? As in everything is normal where I'm standing, you must be the nutter if you think I'm being unreasonable.
Just making sense (while you lot are thinking WELL DUR!).

I keep making typos and missing out words. Not important but it annoys me when I read them back!!!

Benefits applied for by the way, CMS equivalent forms at the ready. I just want to wait to send them off until he's here. That was my thinking anyway. The process because he's abroad may take a long time and he may be back here permanently before they even kick in. But then if he does come back, I imagine things will be quicker if I do have to go directly to CMS?

Sorry the ? at the end was a typo. Bloody typos!!!!

He's still giving you plenty of evidence of his totally unreasonable behaviour. What a twat. Keep strong Mo

So he's now refused to give you money for food essentially. Call WA back today and get advice. Also speak to them about the fear you have of him coming back. Don't minimise to them at all.

You're doing so well Mo

You said you were worried about not getting legal aid because he hasn't hit you so domestic violence wouldn't apply. This latest exchange is surely illegal in light of the coercive control domestic violence law- he has actually again admitted financial abuse. This is a crime against you and the children. Please report it to 101 there is no going back now, you know this, and this will help you.