FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Sorry you feel stressed Mo. We here any time you need hand hold or glass of wine. You are in the worst bit now if it's days to go. It's like squeezing a big spot- it hurt like hell but then be gone!

Have you had any contact with him at all Mo? I think if you can persuade him that staying elsewhere would be a good idea then that would help a lot. Could his parents help in this at all?
They might be able to get him to agree to stay there instead

Dolly, no it's not going on happen. Contrary to all behaviour, he hasn't seen his own kids in the flesh for over three months and he wants to come 'home' - not in the circumstances he imagined but he won't back down on that.
I can't believe I've been stewing over this for three months or so and I'm still in shock how he thinks things couldn't have turned out like this. FFS man, who do you think you bloody are! Wake up call urgently needed.

Mo, sympathy. And strength.. coming to you.

Now, mind set.

Two things, no three. .

1 practice controlling your breathing. When panicking or worrying. Lower your shoulders and breathe more slowly, from the chest, not the throat. You will get calmer. Hyper ventilation does not help.

2 practice thinking about something you have done brilliantly in the past. You will find as you think about it, you relax but become highly attentive, in the zone. You need to or active this frequently, so that you can do it automatically, in the face of pressure. Eg, if you had made a superb wedding cake or given a magnificent presentation, nothing of it. When you go into a difficult meeting, get your mind to flick "wedding cake" or "presentation". I promise it works. I coach people sometimes for interviews and it is a brilliant technique. But you need to practice it.

3practice the words you need to cling on to and your vision of the future,. Again just a momentary flick of the min fir the latter.

Really sorry about typos, IPad giving up. But my encouragement and support for you isn't. Ignore the nothing of it, mind should replace min, for fir, etc.

Don't worry if sleep disappears. Try to rest nonethe less. And enjoy your babes. They are worth every second if this pain.

Ok Mo, I think all the advice above on how to keep calm and how to cope is very useful to you. You might want to copy and paste it somewhere for when you need it

He's not back for long hopefully, so hopefully you can manage this and the time you have to spend with him

Be breezy, be aloof. Be the best version of yourself you can be. This bit is only temporary remember that

Hi Mo, I am still here supporting you - just caught up with all the posts whilst I was away.

I think an awful lot of your anxiety is coming from the wait and the what if's and I suspect it will be far far easier when the time comes than you are currently imagining.

Try and stay calm if you can, maybe get some hypnosis type apps on your phone to listen to when you feel anxious?

Keep going my love, you are doing great!

You have spent so long waiting, its inevitable.
But the worst that can happen, is that
1)he poo poos it, & refuses to accept the idea. & leaves you in limbo, no further on.
2) he gets angry, verbally tells you you are a doormat, useless, incapable, needy. tries to make you doubt yourself.
3) OK, we both know this is misery let's get it over with
4) says, fine, I will fight you all the way, you will get nothing. I will get the children & you will be ground to dust.
5) I can see now that I wasn't very helpful, I will get better (NON STARTER)

I am assuming number 4. the legal fight, is the worst.
but in reality the most probable.

The thing is, No, you won't be left with nothing, you own half the house, he will have to pay CM for the children, & he wot n't custody. it may be rocky & financially complicated, but it's something that you can get through.
The children may have to move house , they may have to change schools. But they are young & will be fine. & so will you be.

Here thinking of you, willing you on.

Whatever is thrown at you, there is a way through and you will find it, and come out the other side.

Thank you. Guess I'll just have to get through it...what else can I do. Just have to hope and pray I muster up enough inner strength at the right times. I'm sure I will crumble in front of him at times, but I'm hoping I'll surprise myself too...don't want to jinx myself too much

And I'm absolutely determined NOT to move my kids out of their school though. I will not let that happen, no matter what. I'm not going to allow his selfishness to interfere with their lives, my life...one we are very happy with and one that he's got nothing to do with. We may end up renting a small place...but I am determined to pull myself out of this, not to prove anything to him but for me and my children. He can sod off and live in sad, selfish luxury.

Btw, I'm well aware I am all over the place..Jekyll and Hyde with my mood swings

Mix - it's good actually to hear what ludicrous things he might come out with. I don't think even he would stoop so low as to threaten to take the kids off me - not because he wants to hurt me but because he wouldn't know what to do with them and couldn't cope and he knows I know that! He's admitted that to me before. Anyway it's empowering to know he doesn't have a leg to stand on and even better if he thinks he can say things like that, threat or not, without realising it's all waffle to me because I already know my facts.

I suspect he will try 1, 5, 2 then 4.

Practice your responses, short, calm, assertive , not aggressive.
" I can understand what you are saying. I don't agree. That means we need to follow the separation route. I'm going to make a cup of coffee while you think about what you are going to do next. Would you like one?"

" I can understand what you are saying. I don't agree. I am following steps for separation. Here is a list of questions to which I need answers. Please may I have them by x . " exit

"I understand what you have said you will do. I think that is unfortunate. If we cannot agree, I suggest you get advice. You will find there are legal obligations on both of us." Exit.

"I understand what you have said. In my view, which you may nit agree with, a mediated settlement would be cheaper, swifter and less harmful for the children. Excuse me, I need to go to the loo" "

Make sure your questions are typed and that you have at least three copies, one for each of you and one for your SHL. Date it when handed over and note any immediate responses. If he tears it up, say, oh dear, here's another.

Thanks Orlanda, your strategy of I don't agree, that's not what I want etc. repeat ad infinitum is really rubbing off. It's really stuck in my mind.
But part of my anxiety and insecurity about what is going to happen when I see him is that I'm not sure what to ask him. I'm not sure what are the best things to ask in order to hope for the best outcome.
I need to sit down and think about it.
Apart from are you going to pay CM voluntarily?
Are you going to attend a mediation session with my mediation lawyer?
Then I stumble when I get to the house. I don't dare ask what to do with it until I or we see the mediation lawyer. I've already mentioned selling but since seeing the solicitor I have more confidence (if I can find the cash) that we won't need to necessarily.
I feel pathetic again. I don't have anything else to ask him until I am in a room guided by a professional. Face to face I can't do discussion with him because he's incapable of discussing anything to do with me fairly.

Well done Mo, you are thinking so clearly.

You do know your rights and I'm sure he'll be unhappy/shocked when he realises that you are correct...

You've hit a natural bump in the road, so to speak. Take it one day at a time. You are worrying about everything at once - pick one thing, and worry about it as much as you can for 15 min, then stop.

I remember the feeling - but the reality is, that you will only be required to take one step at a time. It is, I found, much more manageable when you are in it, rather than leading up to it.

Hmmm ask for more than you are entitled to.

"It would be best for the DC if we can agree a way forward for them remain in this house whilst the finish primary school how would you see that working from a financial point of view?" repeat, repeat, repeat.

Ok, so we need to come up with some of the questions. That will them prompt you. Don't ask the " are you prepared to.." Because he won't know, won't say, or will be negative. Ask for facts. V difficult to maintain credibility and refuse to give them. Will weigh against him. Make the assumption that you are splitting, not whether there is a whether in it, and it will become clearer and easier. Nothing will make it clearer that you are completely serious.

Eg

I shall need full disclosure from you, financial and otherwise. This is an initial list of questions but there will be more.
Financial
Assets, .
, property, in whose name is the house, approximate valuation for now. chattels, life insurances, investments, savings, cars, other property, debts owed to you. Pension

Liabilities, eg credit card debts, mortgages

Income, monthly, annual , bonus, dividends, interest, other income from property

Expenditure, mortgages , basic living cost, including food and transport to work, direct debits and standing orders, credit card interest and repayments, loans. School fees of any. Debts, eg gambling, membership of clubs plus approximate expenditure, this is not an exhaustive list, it will be for you to make full disclosure, not for me to have to ask the right questions.

I'll need all the paper work.

Other liabilities, of a personal kind, eg supporting anyone else, charitable payments

Details of current contract with employer, terms and conditions. Mortgage document, if any

I will pro provide on my part expenditure on the children. And costs of eg uniform, ordinary clothing, cost of school lunches. I will provide it on an annual and monthly basis in terms what I have spent, I will also provide what I think is reasonable to spend, which is higher. I shall also provide what is spent on non children housekeeping, again I shall divide into what I spend and what I would think reasonable which would allow for occasional treats,

The issues you will need to think about are

Where you work
The house
The level of contact you want

We will jointly need to agree on how we tell the children

Others, more experienced, may tell me this is bad tactics, but it's what I would do. Quite civilised, no blame, factual.

I think you need to firstly, make sure he understands this is real & it's over.
sleeping in your own room with door locked is a clear sign.
You will have to ask how he envisages the future, with the least upheaval for the children as possible. i.e. staying in the same area to stay in same school.
He will assume you want to keep the house at his expense. I think you need to say that legally you could stay until the youngest is 18. but its not about money, its about the children's future & separating as quickly & with the least possible unpleasantness.
He can buy your half off you, or transfer the mortgage to your name, or WE can put it on the market asap....
apart from that he has legal obligations re paying for CM, does he want to go the gentle route, or via the authorities?

one last thing about above list, re number 4.
he doesn't need to know how to parent, he can all in his mother & hire a nanny. When it comes to vengeance, they don't care about spending money, as long as you suffer. (Sorry)

call in his mother, soz

sorry crossed with orlanda. :o)

When it comes to vengeance, they don't care about spending money, as long as you suffer.

Nah, in this case I think it's pretty obvious that the OP's partner loves money much, much more than her or his children. He won't try to obtain custody. He may threaten, but he won't actually go through with it.

Mix, fine! Mo, all grist to the mill...

Remember Mo that fear of the unknown is usually the worst thing and we worry and torture ourselves with "what if's", well that's what I did and it goes round and round in your head

Thanks Mix and Orlanda. That helps a lot, given me lots to think about.

Distance, you're absolutely right. This is a man who's never spent a penny on childcare - even when we had babysitters in, I paid for them and not him, because he refused! (This was one of the most recent last straws, by the way, not something that I put up with for years and I only paid because I really wanted to go to the event, not be with him.)

As you know he is due home very soon. The contents of the cupboards are running right down and the Easter holidays have meant spending more money than normal, obviously - and we haven't even gone away. I emailed him to say I needed money to cover those extra expenses and summer uniform bits (why does he always kick off when it's about uniform? Our last massive row was over uniform) and what has he just emailed to tell me?

Prep a list of each item and the anticipated cost.

This is essential uniform for his children we're talking about. Not a fancy a day at the beauty salon.
Despite everything that's happened over the last 3, 4 months, me telling him it's over, dealing with the death of a family member, in his rigid mind, nothing has changed at all. I don't know what to say. Other than say financial abuse is a crime and he needs to start paying three times what he's paying in maintenance costs as the legal minimum. Shall I tell him my friend had to lend me £200 spend just give him his bank account details? To get this money before I totally run out I don't know what else to do. I am not pandering to his demands to itemise costs for petty items.

Fuck this has been going on so long and I can't wait to see him to show him I mean business.