FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Dolly, I was advised by the SHL I saw to at least try it, as it's part of the process and one of the steps you need to do before going to court, regardless of whether we are married or not. I need to check what the hell I do if he refuses, as Akire says, it must be fairly common for one party to do so, there must be a way forward.

I stand corrected. I have to say it's not something I would do in your situation as he's so manipulative. I tried with my ex and then stopped it as he used the session to berate me for wrongs he felt I'd done

If he refuses (hopefully you will have that in an email), then surely you could go to court as you had offered? best check with the SHL

I have read on here that there are different types of mediation, I'm positive I read that you could have mediation separately (which would avoid what dolly has said that he may do in a session together). Maybe contact WA and see if they can recommend anyone?

Mo glad to hear from you...loving the idea, of leaving him without a car to take the eldest to school remember, he didn't even bother to pass the on the breakdown cover details...knowing he was working abroad for a long period.

I still find myself stumbling whenever I have to explain my situation and don't assertively come out and say financial abuse - saying it is the hardest thing, even now

That's something I can really relate to. The biggest turning point for me was being able to say it. Don't get me wrong, it's painful but it's more bearable and I needed to be able to do so to communicate my issues.

In order for you to move forwards it's something you'll need to be able to do to and that gets easier the more you practice it.

Mo, you're fab! Empty those cupboards; take the car!

If one person refuses mediation, it makes the Court think less of them and they seem to take it as a demonstration of their unreasonableness. It's in your favour.

In my case, even now my Best Bestie friend, gives me that "dubious" look when I say my OH is an emotional abuser... I don't flog it. I have difficulty giving concrete examples of the "death by a thousand cuts". (You on the other hand have maths !)
So, don't worry. what EVER your reason for separating. FA or not. The decision is your own.
If you are not happy it is your obligation to make any decision that corrects that.
You owe it to yourself, (& your kids) to make your passage on this earth as good as you can, why waste a life?

I know that dubious look very well. You know your truth, I know mine. Mo knows hers.

kitty. yes, I know my truth, I don't doubt it for a second. However it is human to want one's reasons to be understood.

Mo needs her reasons to be understood by him for her own peace of mind and knowing she's done her best to try to make him change (to deal with those wobble days).

She also needs to be understood to go through the process of separation and divorce.

These are the two most important reasons, with being able to communicate to anyone else being less important but useful.

Starting by saying it over and over in front of a mirror is a good first step. The words will become automatic plus she'll find all remaining doubts will start to melt.

Hope you are ok Mo and the good moments are outweighing the less good.

KOKO

I understand the need to be understood. Very much so. But when you realise that is never going to happen, then you can walk away. It can take a long time. Wishing you well Mo

It's very liberating knowing you're understood but not agreed with. Puts all doubt out of you mind that somehow they didn't realise what they were doing was wrong, and that they knew exactly what they were doing and choose to put you through that shit because that's what they believed you deserved rather than just being ignorant.

Aside from that, it'd be good to be able to explain thing to the SHL in a considered way too as it takes less time so costs less!

Oh, I think making him understand or agree that it was wrong, is a waste of breath. but I would try & give my friends a "snap shot" but have found that most don't understand as they simply have no knowledge.
It is after all Boggling. agreed best to hold your head up, detach & move on.

Ime men like that don't see the world as you do. They'll rewrite history to suit themselves anyway. It's a waste of effort to try to make them understand. They already understand, they just want to have control.

I've spent years trying to understand my ex's actions, then I stopped. No point. He's a cunt. End of story. My life is far richer for not agonising over WHY he did whatever it was

I'm going to tell him just that: you don't make me happy, you make me miserable. You don't support me, you cause me anxiety and stress. You don't understand me and I don't understand you. We are not a partnership.
I've absolutely had it trying to analyse him and his family and the root causes of his actions. I am not a psychologist nor do I want to be and I can't fix anything.
Feeling strong and resolute tonight ....please make it last!!!

That sounds great mo it's true sometimes you can waste your life trying to understand and get along with other people, it does you no favours.

Good for you Mo, start as you mean to go on. You've got years of this fuckwit to endure so you may as well have a game plan now

Wise words Mo. KOKO

Well said Mo.

YES YES YES. that is all that you need to say. It requires nothing more.

Sounds good. It won't be an easy discussion so try to keep things simple by sticking to a handful a clear points. In addition to the relationship making you utterly miserable, you might want to close down the offer of empty promises for the future:

Any promises might make about the future are now pointless because I will not spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells thinking that the miserable times could reappear at any time.

A simple mantra: the present is so shit you have no faith that the future will be not-shit and it would be too risky for you to take a chance.

KOKO

Once you've said it once you can repeat every single time he tries to converse regarding the situation "you make me miserable in every way, it is over"

I knew it wouldn't last. My fearless, assertive self.
I am not afraid of him. I am not uncertain of my feelings towards him. I don't want him. I don't want to make up with him.
But I'm terribly anxious and nervous about how we will move forward. Nervous about him resisting any approach I suggest, nervous about mediation, solicitors, courts, the cost of it all and having to ask to borrow money. Nervous about how his self-centredness will inevitably stop him from seeing that the kids need to stay in their home and he will be hellbent on punishing me even at the expense of the kids.
I've got a bloody stress hive on my face. The anxiety is starting to build up. It's been such a long wait and I've pushed it aside for so long. I'm counting days now. I'm terrified. Even though I am "prepared" in all the ways I can be. He's going to turn me into a jibbering, spineless wreck.

Have you got that lock on your bedroom door so you can shut yourself away when you need to?

I think your feelings of anxiousness etc. are perfectly normal.

Not got the lock yet. My friend's husband can do it for me though, seeing her tomorrow so might just have to ask.