FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Mix, I've been told that too and I am terrified of exactly that happening. The solicitor told me though I should think about trying it also because if I do end up making an application to the court, they can throw it out if we haven't tried mediation first, as they expect you I suppose to have taken every possible alternative step first before going to court.

I am having a massive wobble again. I have decided I just can't go through with anything until I physically see him face to face. It feels fraudulent to be making applications for benefits and child maintenance without actually talking to him. I was about to skype him as the urge to actually speak to him is overwhelming but bottled out once I re-read some of his nasty emails and I am reminded once again how badly he treats me.

I need to let him sort out things regarding the family tragedy first, allow him to come back to the UK and then do what I need to do. I know he is effectively still controlling the situation and stalling me, by refusing to acknowledge the separation, but it feels wrong to do it until we've had it out, so to speak.

You have told him, he isn't listening.
In reality applying for applications for benefits and child maintenance is the necessary thing to do to enable you to finance your life. it will take weeks to process. I'd just do it.
plus he will throw at you, "you have no money, I'm not financing", blablabla. at which point you have your bullet point response. "It's sorted"

I don't want to be in this relationship. That is fact, I've made the decision. No doubt. So why do I keep giving him the benefit for the doubt? What is wrong with me that I keep clinging on to hope he will change, have regrets and behave differently? Nobody knows but me how he really treats me. A few emails only show a tiny fraction of the control and abuse he's subjected me to over the years.

I received the court papers for the CM application this morning and just seeing my name V his name on official paperwork I think has also shaken me a bit.

I need to speak to him though in person, in the flesh.

Benefit of the doubt

I feel like you lot are going to say oh FFS Mo! How can you STILL have doubts???
I feel like I've come such a long way but the odd mini wobble still really throws me off focus.

Mo you have told him.....and several times.

It doesn't matter that he is stalling....trying to passively/aggressively make you doubt yourself with his silence.

Claim the benefits, don't put yourself in a position where he stops giving you any money. How is it fraudulent, just cause it's not been done face to face?

You realise that this wobble is cause of the death....you are feeling sorry for him (which is ok)...but please remember it his him that has caused this.

I know it'll only be a few seconds of seeing him at home that he will piss me off. I'm almost 100% sure.

Do the paper work, You can always cancel it.
It is way of moving forward, knowing how much you will get. You know he is going to give you Nothing, Zilch, Zero, Nada, other than what he is forced to.

Think of it this way. If you won the lottery tomorrow, you would move out in an instant. The only thing that is stalling you is finance.
Fill in & send the forms
(its human to hope that this isn't really going to happen. But if you have no money you will have to give in.

One silver lining is that you made your move to end things just before this bad news came in. If you hadn't got there first it's likely this would have frozen you in place and unable to act while for quite some time while everything was being processed.

I think you should carry on as you intended. In a measured and clear way. Stalling could have the effect of your progress somehow fading away and leaving you having to re-win lost ground.

Yes yes the lottery thing. Of course I'd be out of here like a shot.

Re mediation - you are right to be wary. If it's a step you need to consider then look at shuttle mediation where you don't have to be in the same room. Also your first meeting will be individual and you must detail the abuse. KOKO x

If you are at all like me, you probably feel that you have to be scrupulously fair. Gawd knows why you would be fair to a thundercunt, but that's what I always tried to do.

Do the paperwork; as mix says, you can always cancel it.

Rather than Skype, can you just phone him? If you need an excuse, you can ask him where he's planning on staying so you can send his things there. You can be sure that the minute you hear his voice, you'll remember why you want to get away from him.

Wobbles are inevitable; don't beat yourself up over it

When you're face to face, I recommend casting your eyes down like the meek little handmaid he thinks you should be, whilst silently repeating your phrases and not listening to any of it (just passing the time, really!). It will lull him into a false sense of security and he can rant and rave at you without you being too badly affected. Then, when he's shut up, you can simply repeat one of your phrases out loud to him and walk away.

Not only have you told him repeatedly but he has responded with a "I don't care what you want, I will not let you leave"

It takes weeks for the admin of the paper work to happen, deep breath and do it.

You desire to talk to him is that part of you that doesn't want to believe that someone you once loved so much is treating you and the DC so badly. It is very very difficult to accept that it has gone. Why do you want to keep yourself in an abusive situation?

re above suggestion, about his accommodation when he is home, he will just shout at you & tell you its his house. He has a right to live there.
but you could tell him; For continuity for the children, it would be better if he stayed elsewhere, so that they don't imagine things have changed, nor expect him to live with them again, as under the circumstances it is X months, that they have had to become accustomed to living in a one parent family & you see no need to upset them. he will have to get used to caring for them on his own after all.
this will tell him it is REAL, & also to stay somewhere else. (altho latter unlikely )

The decease is a completely separate issue. & something that has had more impact apparently.
Keep on your path.

No ones thinks get a grip Mo it's tough situation all round. I do think you should continue with benefits though (thought you had applied? Or just need sign and send off now?) benefits take much longer and will give you nest egg to fight with if only pay for the odd hour of SHL advice. He's for sure not going be counting pennies down the back of the sofa to get the best advice so don't put yourself in worse position by not doing that. Plus women's aid and like have said you can claim so not like that's fraud.

I do understand not sending off maintence forms yet maybe keep them until after you have seen him And suggested mediation. It's unlikely he will agree to more maintence than peanuts he gives at moment but while he's still covering bills and food can see why might as well hold tight. Is he going come home and then visit family before he sees you ? Difficult to know how much head space break he needs for family verses the need to get on and discuss when he's home.

You don't want to be in postitn where he refuses to engage then pops back to work and you are no further along.

Oh crumbs no.

I know mumsnet can come across as a bit hard and fast and prescriptive, but one thing many will know is that feelings either aren't logical, or take a lot of unraveling to discover the logic behind them.

Mo you feel how you feel and you need to accept and acknowledge that to then learn how to best move on by working through those feelings head on.

You've been through so much over the years that of course you're going to feel confused or conflicted, THATS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND UNDERSTANDABLE

I think you're doing fabulously well but please don't be negative about yourself because it's going to take you time to get to some sort of emotional stability. That's allowed and to be expected you know

Hang in there Mo, of course there are going to be wobbly hours and days, you're riding a huge mental and practical shift in your life.

I would hope the email evidence you have would be enough for a mediator to sign off that this is an abusive situation and therefore to go direct to court. You have a good bank of written evidence over time.

It worries me still how I can flip from feeling totally empowered and in control to a total wimp and nervous wreck.

Thank you for your messages and keeping me going.

I've told him about attending a mediation session whilst he's here. No doubt he will say don't be ridiculous and we don't need any third party, so if he does, I will still go and will take it from there.
I'll at least give him until he's here to get his head round the fact we absolutely DO need a professional to help us sort this all out.

Do you feel able to fill out the forms in the meantime?

you are doing amazingly well KOKO

Mo, have been lurking but willing you on.
Basically everything they have all said ^ - there are many more wise people on here than me and what Joysmum says us true - written down is all logical but listen to everyone in the Go Mo. Wobbles and flipping emotions are absolutely absolutely what happens but keep your nerve, you're nearly there X

Of course you are going to have second thoughts, wobbles etc. you once loved this person, you were then in thrall to him. It takes courage for the bruised prisoner to open the door and move out into the weather, which may or may not be sunny. And it takes energy to keep that courage going. Adrenalin only lasts so long.

So, you need to ensure you have the physical and mental resources to keep you, body, mind and spirit, in top form. Make sure you are eating wisely, getting a bit of exercise, cherishing yourself in little ways. Keep a list, mentally or in reality, of all the things that your freedom will allow you to do, with or without the DCs. Not a bucket list, a freedom list. Understand yourself, those weepy moments, grieving for what might have been, but focus on the freedom and lack of fear.

GoMo.

Mo, Can I ask you something? If he comes back, and shows a total turnaround in attitude, begs forgiveness for having been so awful, opens up all the coffers for your complete access and shows himself to have reverted to the man you knew when you first got together....

What would you do?

Clam there's absolutely no way that will happen...but if he did, I'd be initially very skeptical, but ultimately I would consider giving him another chance, of course I would. Doesn't mean it would work, or that the love that has definitely gone would come back, but it would be worth trying.
Anyway not going to happen. He's in denial, has contempt for me and little respect, doesn't take me seriously and he's not suddenly going to give me his online banking password and pass me his credit cards to use as I please. The man can't even say I love you and I'm sorry.