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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FreeMo - Part 3

979 replies

AngryMo · 29/03/2016 13:54

New Fred Grin

OP posts:
mix56 · 06/04/2016 08:30

hmmm. just remember you only "feel" for him, as you are a normal empathetic person, so you know in your bones what you would expect hope for if the role was reversed.
He categorically,, would not be flying across the globe to your side to comfort you if the same circumstances happened in your family. You know that.
Think of him as damaged goods. He will never feel or behave as you do. You are not his saviour. You need to practise your "detach", as caring for him still is going to ultimately hurt you more.

Joysmum · 06/04/2016 08:57

He categorically,, would not be flying across the globe to your side to comfort you if the same circumstances happened in your family

Well said. Please, keep that in mind Mo as your compassion is normal for you, but not for him which will help you to remain detached but understanding without being overly giving of yourself.

RandomMess · 06/04/2016 14:16

Get that lock on your bedroom door asap Mo!

AngryMo · 06/04/2016 14:42

I've seen an obituary and other things...it's definitely real and I feel really upset by it, now that I've got over the shock of it myself.
I do usually roll my eyes at the whole "it was meant to happen" type of reasoning, but I suppose part of me (very, very deep down) is still hoping it will force P to reevaluate what's important in life and to let the people who are important to him know that he loves and cares for them. But only he can figure that out on his own, I can't spell it out for him (again).
Also feel sad because there I am telling him I don't love him and here is a clear message to him that if he'd listened to me and behaved differently, it wouldn't have necessarily come to that, and now even he does wake up in the middle of the night full of sorrow and regret, it's too late.
Anyway I know even if he does eventually say but I love you...it's meaningless unless he actually proves it to me.
Feeling very frustrated and sad.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/04/2016 14:53

Mo that all sounds very typical of the grieving that needs to happen at the end of a relationship.

It is very painful to realise that someone didn't love you as you loved them and hard to look back and think about the time that has passed by. However you do have 3 wonderful DC because of him Flowers

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 06/04/2016 15:05

So, in all of his protests, offers to "explain the concept", etc, he still hasn't said "but I love you"?!?

Not that you should believe a syllable of it, but even just for decorum's sake.. .

AngryMo · 06/04/2016 15:07

No, he hasn't. Sad

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 06/04/2016 15:12

Fuck. Ing. Hell. >shakes head<

Still, at this juncture, such asshattery should mainly serve to prove you are sooooo right for doing this.

Have you told mutual friends, etc? I remember in the first fred you alluded to a couple of couples in front of whom DP Twunt was keen to look good. Would letting them know about your split cheer you up at all? Wink

AngryMo · 06/04/2016 15:17

It feels inappropriate at this time. And also I've not had the opportunity (due to my lying low status) - now it's very much out in the open, if the opportunity arises, I will of course mention it to mutual friends. It's just a question of when (because I'm not going to initiate it).

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 06/04/2016 16:19

I imagine when he's back, he'll be wanting to parade the 'happy family' socialise as much as poss. You may be making many phone calls to mutual friends explaining why you won't be accompanying him....

Akire · 06/04/2016 17:15

If he does unlikely suddenly see the light Mo he can still do much to be a good father and keep important and open relationship with you. The love and marriage has gone but he can redeem himself somewhat by how he acts when home. How he keeps his finacial responsibilities and how he treats you for the next few decades as you both still have parent roles to play. It's not to late for the kids to be showing that money is not everything and how relationships should work.

AngryMo · 06/04/2016 17:27

I have so much hope that he will. They guy I met 15 years ago would have got it. P 2016 version, I'm not so sure but I can only hope.
Drinking wine early and have had to switch off the love songs...just too much!!!

OP posts:
mix56 · 06/04/2016 17:59

Remember not to get sucked into the mass family pathos. They are NOT your family. Like any tragedy you can feel its awful, & sympathise, but remember in not too far a future they are all going to be queuing up to nail your own coffin.
Even if you are the injured party in this break up, You will very probably be be outcast.
Don't listen to any soppy bloody Carpenters CD......& leave the wine tonight...

mix56 · 07/04/2016 19:16

My God, is he home?

AngryMo · 07/04/2016 19:32

No! Thank God. I'm not quite ready for him yet (practically). Not sure if I'm geared up enough emotionally yet either.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/04/2016 20:02

What makes you say that? What do you fear might happen?

AngryMo · 07/04/2016 20:16

I'm not scared of him being physically aggressive or anything. I suppose it's fear from not being able to predict how he'll behave. He can go from charming to vicious in a heartbeat. I know I just need to get it over with, like some horrible exam - there's only so much I can prepare now, I'm done. I'm just waiting for it to be over.
He's in denial, that's for sure. But he hasn't received official paperwork regarding child maintenance yet. When he's here, I need to mention trying mediation, as per the solicitor's advice - I know he will laugh in my face. He takes nothing to do with me seriously.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/04/2016 20:34

I can understand that you're afraid of how he will behave and there's not a lot you can do about that.

The only thing you have the power to control is your own reactions to whatever behaviour he presents.

That means trying to achieve a calm, detached and factual exterior and not buying into his mind games...because you can bet your last penny he'll play them to try to bring you in to line. It'll be very hard as he knows you best so knows better than anyone else what buttons to press.

What I find helps me in situations I think I'll find difficult is to try to come at it from a different persona, if that makes sense. So when I'm working I have to be professional, calm and considered even though I'm hot headed and prone to explode if pushed

I therefore put on my professional head, buy time, am non-committal, polite and detached. I somehow find it easier to be 'professional me' than the real me. Blush

Akire · 07/04/2016 22:02

Maybe stick up some post its of inspirational quotes around the house till he comes back. Keep repeating them to yourself. I'm a strong emotional free woman other people will have better ideas just to try build your armour up a little each day.

mix56 · 08/04/2016 07:42

I can completely understand that its easier to hold your front by email, than having a face to face show down.
He is good at talking people round. He will "reason" bully & dominate with you, till you give in.

This is why, you need your "bubble". In your bubble there is your best dancing music, the sound of the wind, children's laughter, whatever you love best, it smells of cut grass, peaches, cucumber sandwiches & there are your best trusted friends, you are drinking Pims, on the lawn. There is laughter, serenity, & friendship. you have your best memories & photos of your children/Dad/childhood.
Its a place you create for yourself.
In your bubble you are safe, protected & free. no one can enter uninvited, &
Let him harp on, you can look at him with passive benevolence.
Reply with your 5 word max practiced phrases. "It's not what I want", "It doesn't work for me," "You can't rewrite history" "I'll think about it", "I'll ask my SHL", "NO",
"too late for tears" "you are a noxious influence" "happiness cannot be bought",
"everyone will be happier" ......choose your detached tone, & repeat.

Post its are a good idea, write the "5 word bullet list", & stick on bathroom mirror/fridge along with Akire's idea above

PhoenixReisling · 08/04/2016 07:52

Practise saying those phrases that mix has suggested (brilliant BTW) in the mirror and do this several times a day. This may help you to have an outwardly calm exterior and that even if you are a ball of anxiety, you will have the phrases needed so you won't have to think about what to say.

Remember, he can mansplain all he likes and you don't always have to engage, when he does this again and again, remember it doesn't stop you from:

Turning away from him
walking out of the room
popping in some headphones
Making an important telephone call
Leaving the house

Joysmum · 08/04/2016 08:36

Absolutely practice done phrases, because when your mind freezes or you feel overwhelmed they'll bubble to the surface to help you Flowers

mix56 · 08/04/2016 09:30

Go Mo

mix56 · 08/04/2016 09:35

& re mediation, he will laugh in your face, or say OK, but then not go through with it, or even if he does, he will come out after one dance & say its bullshit, if the mediator doesn't follow his script.
It is often said it is not recommend in an EA situation, as alternatively the professional can get "corrupted" by the manipulator.

mix56 · 08/04/2016 09:36

"dance", not bad, but seance was what I wanted !

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